A2Poly
New member
Hi again, so I am slowly, carefully, moving forward with a relationship with my bff's husband. (For review purposes: she and I have been friends for about 30 years, they've been married for 15. They were open, and she more or less set us up, and then had a bad reaction to the idea of 'poly', but has over come, or is overcoming, that)
The thing is, here I am, in my 40s, and I've been single all my life, and celibate for about 10 years. No romance, no sex. Busy life, and child rearing, and really just not a lot of interest in the standard monogamous relationship escalator. I've done a lot of soul searching in the last months, and realised a big part of that is that I NEVER believed that monogamy was a healthy was to run a relationship. Even as a teen most of my longer lasting relationships involved multiple people (some ethically, some, to my shame, not). So when I look at this history with honesty I have to say I self define as "solo-poly". That is the label that feels most true and honest to me (though I acknowledge all the problems with ANY label).
But I'm also happy alone, and feel no need to be out 'dating' or trying to start another relationship, and I think that is causing some confusion in my relationship.
In some ways it simplifies things. They each started new relationships recently (his with me, her's with a male friend who is mono), so we are dealing with a 'N' instead of a 'W' or more complicated structure/network. With everything being so new that's certainly easier - for all of us - to deal with 4 people (even though that's already exponentially more complicated than a standard 'mono' relationship!)
But in other ways it seems to confuse things because he feels like he is 'primary' in my life because I don't have any other romantic partners. And he's expressed that he is starting to feel that he wants me to he co-primary in his life. (We use these terms descriptively not prescriptively, there currently are no bounds on how our relationship can grow. It will be allowed it's own organic shape/size). I think that has to do a lot more with NRE, though, than reality. We have a LDR that involves jet planes to see each other, so even once a month is a stretch financially, plus three busy people with kids means scheduling doesn't even allow for that, even though the money does (just). I just don't know if we can maintain the level of contact - email/text/phone/in person - that makes him think 'co-primary' long term once the 'crazy' NRE neurotransmitter cocktail wears off.
My ideal situation is exactly where we are. A 'V' or 'N' with them 'open' to both casual sex (likely for both of them) and possible romantic partners (more her, less him, and less likely over all), and me not looking for additional partners of either kind. But since my part of that doesn't fit with mono, or the 'standard' poly, or with how they are about relationships, it seems to be confusing for him. I think SHE gets it though. We were friends all through those relationship years, and through the celibacy years, after all.
I don't want to crush his feelings. I'm more than flattered that he's thinking co-primary, and if I lived close I'd be all over that...but I don't. And I won't for another 15+ years, too committed to things where I live to consider a move, and vice versa, they individually and collectively are too entrenched where they are to move. All of which is to say: I'm fine with our relationship being secondary. That feels right and natural to me.
How do I explain the difference to him? I actually don't want him putting to much weight on this relationship, especially not at the cost of theirs ... but saying that out loud sounds like I'm not committed to this relationship or him, even though I am. It just isn't going up the escalator, kwim?
The thing is, here I am, in my 40s, and I've been single all my life, and celibate for about 10 years. No romance, no sex. Busy life, and child rearing, and really just not a lot of interest in the standard monogamous relationship escalator. I've done a lot of soul searching in the last months, and realised a big part of that is that I NEVER believed that monogamy was a healthy was to run a relationship. Even as a teen most of my longer lasting relationships involved multiple people (some ethically, some, to my shame, not). So when I look at this history with honesty I have to say I self define as "solo-poly". That is the label that feels most true and honest to me (though I acknowledge all the problems with ANY label).
But I'm also happy alone, and feel no need to be out 'dating' or trying to start another relationship, and I think that is causing some confusion in my relationship.
In some ways it simplifies things. They each started new relationships recently (his with me, her's with a male friend who is mono), so we are dealing with a 'N' instead of a 'W' or more complicated structure/network. With everything being so new that's certainly easier - for all of us - to deal with 4 people (even though that's already exponentially more complicated than a standard 'mono' relationship!)
But in other ways it seems to confuse things because he feels like he is 'primary' in my life because I don't have any other romantic partners. And he's expressed that he is starting to feel that he wants me to he co-primary in his life. (We use these terms descriptively not prescriptively, there currently are no bounds on how our relationship can grow. It will be allowed it's own organic shape/size). I think that has to do a lot more with NRE, though, than reality. We have a LDR that involves jet planes to see each other, so even once a month is a stretch financially, plus three busy people with kids means scheduling doesn't even allow for that, even though the money does (just). I just don't know if we can maintain the level of contact - email/text/phone/in person - that makes him think 'co-primary' long term once the 'crazy' NRE neurotransmitter cocktail wears off.
My ideal situation is exactly where we are. A 'V' or 'N' with them 'open' to both casual sex (likely for both of them) and possible romantic partners (more her, less him, and less likely over all), and me not looking for additional partners of either kind. But since my part of that doesn't fit with mono, or the 'standard' poly, or with how they are about relationships, it seems to be confusing for him. I think SHE gets it though. We were friends all through those relationship years, and through the celibacy years, after all.
I don't want to crush his feelings. I'm more than flattered that he's thinking co-primary, and if I lived close I'd be all over that...but I don't. And I won't for another 15+ years, too committed to things where I live to consider a move, and vice versa, they individually and collectively are too entrenched where they are to move. All of which is to say: I'm fine with our relationship being secondary. That feels right and natural to me.
How do I explain the difference to him? I actually don't want him putting to much weight on this relationship, especially not at the cost of theirs ... but saying that out loud sounds like I'm not committed to this relationship or him, even though I am. It just isn't going up the escalator, kwim?
And you're right, a direct statement is going to be necessary.