SOS - I'm not doing poly too well right now

[lunabunny]

I think we've clearly established I like the fuzzy spaces, where things are undefined and open to movement and evolution. Sure, there are moments, days, where I feel miserable...and sometimes cry out when I need help, and then I adapt to that change and know that what will be will be.

...I've chosen to love deeply even if that love isn't perfectly matched. That's OK, it was never meant to be a transaction.

So, platonic to romantic... I can generally spot the difference. I don't think we can measure or quantify or even fully describe how we love someone, and to expect that to be perfectly matched when it's undefined, is just asking for trouble.

I came here sad that I was going to miss out on meeting Lance in person for the foreseeable future, and not thrilled that my existence was not yet known to his new GF. I get questions about the validity and value of my position in his life. I can see how readers make that connection.

That's fine, Ravenscroft. You do you. I'll do me.

Hi again, Evie.

I've taken on board your further explanation re: the way you approach love, life and relationships, and I'm sorry if some of the responses to your OP (including mine) came across as a criticism of your relationship with Lance, or questioning its validity.

Obviously it is, or was, a painful and frustrating circumstance you've found yourself in. So let me just ask you... was the intent of your post mainly to "vent" or were you looking for specific advice/input from the forum? Because even within the poly "community" (such as it is) people have vastly different ways of approaching all of the above and will therefore have differing opinions on how best to manage this situation and any hurt caused by it.

I probably went off on too many tangents in my last post, so to simplify... the two major points I was trying to make were:

1.) There's nothing inherently wrong with two people who are involved in some way not sharing exactly the same views of love and relationships. But where significant differences exist regarding either depth of feeling, future life goals, current commitments and intention/willingness and/or ability to manifest a shared aim or goal, then it's not uncommon for issues to arise, some of which may prove insurmountable - especially when trying to make future plans that stick. Reason being, it's hard to score a goal when both sets of goalposts are in motion. My two partners eventually ended their sexual/romantic association due to the fact that their feelings and aims did not align.

2.) Whether or not one is a RA, free spirit, hierarchical polyamorist, FWB, LD, is on the relationship escalator or whatever, any form of ethical non-monogamy requires that participants seek the informed consent of all partners and practice honest and open communication within the scope of their relationships. It's hard to invest in future planning (even if only a holiday, let alone emotionally or where trust is concerned) if you suspect/know a SO is not being totally honest with one of the parties involved.

 

[Evie]

Hi Lunabunny

I posted to cry out on a very bad day. I've been around here long enough to know the type of responses I'd get and generally from whom. I knew there would be very useful bits in there to help me move through the feelings I was having. This was the better option for me than writing it all down and throwing it into the fire (Sis' suggestion).

Bottom line is, Lance is still a significant other friendship/relationship in my life and will be for some time yet. And I support him in the unfolding of his new relationship. I've grieved over losing that visit on the original timeline. Now there's the issue of him telling her about his special friend with a funny accent right down the bottom on the world who one day he'd like to visit. We'll get there.

First, right now there is a care package full of chocolate (all planned and bought before I knew about Jen) winging its way to him with a heartfelt card in it, written the day before this all got very hard last week. But I'll continue this story on my blog. This thread has done its job and can be left to drift into the archives.

Nga mihi
Thank you all
Evie