starting over again

kala83

kala83

New member
so i guess what I am in right now could be defined as a monopoly relationship. My primary partner realizes that i am poly....not quite knowing just what all it is but he is willing to learn and be educated about it.

he claims he wants to keep it seperate and let me have partners but not so much for him. lol but he has already meet one of my girlfriends and has talked with her and quite likes her.

so I am not sure if things will keep going that way or not.

We need to set up and establish boundaries for how we want things to go, its kind of different since I am bisexual but also grey a sexual and have asexual relationships now in my life.

but at lest with a set of boundaries it will make things go easier.

most all the partners are all aware of each other. I would like for them to get to know each other and become friends if possible but its been understood that if things go to intimate or physical levels details do not need to be discussed and we would prefer not too know details.

sexual partners for me are ONLY girls the male partners in my life are asexual this just seems to work for me and my grey asexual life style and for my primary and for myself the best.

lol I never noticed it before but I just do seem to work better with ONE main male partner that I am sexual with.



but over all I feel very good that I finally have someone that I don't feel is lying to me about excepting me fully as the person I am. It still sucks that I have to keep my partners and my poly life style sort of a secret but that is just how our life style happens to work at times for certain people. And as long as I have my primary partner and my other partners all loving and supporting me I am sure my life will be better and fuller for it.
 
My initial thought was, you don't have a mono/poly relationship. You have an active poly/lazy poly relationship :) In other words, you date girls....and he dates the girls you date :)

If you do end up dating the same women, which is cool, I think it'll be pretty tricky (and asking a LOT of her) to do a "Don't ask, don't tell." It'll put the girl in a VERY awkward position to be sleeping with both of you, but somehow hiding it from the other.
 
I think this is sort of why I am hestiant to go to a physical level with any other then my primary as of right now.

Especially since both of us seem un sure as to how thing will end up going.

the thing is he does want to know if I have sex with my partners and we wants to make sure I am being safe but he just does not want to know details of the sex.

so to a degree its don't ask don't tell...but its not fully.

As I said before he has meet the main majority of my partners and is very polite and respectful to them in term....and vise versa....so far it has seemed to work out for the two of us.

lol but this cause we do have very good communication skills going on. And we both are trying to be as careful and cautious as we can about things we do.
 
Nothing wrong with not going into detail. I don't generally go into detail and I personally wouldn't want my husband going around telling his lovers intimate details of our sex life so I don't ask him about the intimate details of his lovers either.
 
Inyourendo said:
Nothing wrong with not going into detail. I don't generally go into detail and I personally wouldn't want my husband going around telling his lovers intimate details of our sex life so I don't ask him about the intimate details of his lovers either.
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lol I almost told him flat out "well dear I am sure my other partners would not want to go into detail about such thing either" lol which is fairly true I think for most people in general
 
it does for the most part seem like I am in a mono/poly relationship.

he does not have any people he wants to date other then me. And is actively trying not to have other partners then me.

which makes me feel to say the least kind of akward. I mean I have secondary partners that I have feelings for but nothing has gone anywhere near sexual....aside from a girlfriend asking about it. And even then I asked him about what he thought and how it made him feel WAY before hand.

I feel like I am going to have to pull in a lot more tighter boundaries when it comes to how I deal with this situation so as not to offend him.

He is trying really hard to see from my way of perspective on this, and its really touching and sweet but I can tell he does not fully get it. There was a lot of discussion and a lot of me asking him if he was ok or not ok.

and him explaining that where as he did not feel really fully comfortable with things....he felt he had to accept things for how they are just due to. This is part of who I am as person.

just like I have accept that he mono mind set.

at least he wants to try to understand and even when I feel bad for making him possibly feel bad he is there comforting me he kept reaching over and kissing me in his own way making me not feel bad...and wanting to cheer up.

but sharing me even in a non sexual way is proving to be hard for him....but he realy does not seem mad by it. Just curious, slightly confused......but willing to learn.

so I think keeping things of this nature as private as possible, and taking things super slow is the best way to go about with things.
 
I am slowly starting to realize that the conflict we seem to have is not really about me being in love with my partners for him it's that he does want to physically share me.

Which oddly I can accept this more then him being completely against me being bi or poly at all for a while I thought he was upset for me being the way that I am. It's not so much that but he is mono and I am poly we two different people that love each other are trying to learn from each other and get along as best we can
 
It sounds like you have figured out a dynamic, and a way of going about things, that works for you. That's all that's really needed.

I think a poly person and a mono person can share a life together if there is lots of understanding and listening between the two people.

Hope you guys continue to get things figured out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Its odd cause normally this would make me jealous but I saw him on some dating sites earlier and both him and me where looking. Over his shoulder I don't think it will amount too much he seems content with me and just me. But try he fact he is showing even a like interest makes me happy I mean if he went ton a data who am I to be mean I have partners of own so fair is fair
 
kala83 said:
Its odd cause normally this would make me jealous but I saw him on some dating sites earlier and both him and me where looking. Over his shoulder I don't think it will amount too much he seems content with me and just me. But try he fact he is showing even a like interest makes me happy I mean if he went ton a data who am I to be mean I have partners of own so fair is fair
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Social conditioning is incredibly hard to get over. The fact that he can allow himself to look, without feeling guilt, is a very good sign. I wouldn't push him, just naturally allow him to feel what he does.
 
The only thing I worry about is that he has cheated on partners before in the past which is why I want observe but like you said not push. Although I don't think the likely Hood of him cheating n me is likely we have known each other for long time like since we were both in high school. :) and he has told me foe all those years he has loved me.

So naturally Some things could scare me a little. I want to be myself with him...but lol I might have dumb irrational fears of Losing him at times too
 
I'm sure you'll work it out, it takes skill and experience to manage multiple relationships.
 
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