One thing I see you saying is "a lot of poly people have gone through this same road."
Hi, Dog.
Even if that's true, is it relevant to the ethical weight of the situation?
I didn't state it to assert this behavior is ethical or healthy or proper or polite. I was just trying to say, "You are not alone," for comfort and hope. "Others have done this, and we've come through it. You can too." That kind of thing.
I think that's more of a signifier that we live in a highly mono-normative society that gives us minimal tools for starting or transitioning to a polyamorous relationship. That does not mean that actions taken through this sudden and often reckless form of entering polyamory don't frequently involve significant emotional abuse and/or neglect of the committed partner.
There can be outright abuse in certain cases, for example, when a new father or husband of a pregnant woman suddenly decides he's "poly" and starts going out with another woman or women all the time, and not taking care of his pregnant or post-partum wife, or the the newborn.
Neglect is common in NRE. We offer that "poly hell" article all the time. It's important to be a good hinge.
I am not saying dropping the poly-bomb is not devastating. Okay?
Being blindsided is never fun. But, opening up to swinging in a naive fashion is risky business, and they both chose to do that. The consequences have not been great.
Also, a huge factor here is a couple who partnered with their first love, their first sex partner, 20 years ago. I assume they met in their teens, early 20s at the latest. Change over those 20 years is going to be inevitable. Sometimes people make a point of not wanting their partner to change. So we hide the changes because we fear abandonment.
Self-discovery is great. Self-discovery and exploring personal agency when you've been chained down by hetero and mono normative ideals for potentially decades is, I can only imagine, a very overwhelming and liberating experience.
That being said, there's too many times where the person forgets that they have created lives where they still have a partner and/or children that depend on them, and that there's still a lot of hard work that comes with liberating themselves ethically. Even if that relationship dynamic was created through self-oppression,
Maybe cultural oppression and self-repression.
it is still a very real relationship that needs a lot of care for it to dissolve or change to hold their new selves.
Speaking from experience, it is agonizing to be in the position where someone you care about/depend on has, from your perspective, suddenly decided that you are now a burden to their lived experience and leaves you to try to either adapt or leave. It's even more cruel to pretend like the "adapt" option isn't anything more than telling your partner to swim or drown, though swimming ends up meaning you have to push so much hurt down that you become significantly more bitter and resentful. I do find myself angry that you seem to be minimizing the damage that these actions can do to people, even if it come from a very real need or desire.
I'm sorry you're angry. It wasn't my intention to minimize the pain and confusion, or to say this "opening up" was done correctly. I just don't think we should sling around adjectives like "unkind," "liar," etc.
Someone doesn't have to self-flagellate themselves to admit and grapple with the fact that their actions might have caused very real harm.
So in this case, the Partner was in the wrong, but she shouldn't have to whip herself? Good. Women are enslaved by the partiarchy, so it's good we don't have to whip ourselves. We've been whipped enough. Having an epiphany about polyamory is not a reason to hate oneself.
I'm holding back from telling stories about my experience with all this, as I've told it so often... The regulars are tired of hearing it. haha
Let's just say, we can resolve to be open and honest. And if our partner can't handle the truth, we might be beaten, or even killed, at worst, or punished in more subtle ways. My own ex-husband preferred to be passive aggressive, and to humiliate me. We might self-flagellate,
and be flagellated by our partner, as well.
I fully believe and have seen situations where the ethical burden and emotional harm is reduced due to the inevitable nuance/complexity that comes with human relationships. They tend to be the exception rather than the rule.
I am not sure what you mean here?
