Struggling

[AmokBSN]

So I've spent some time processing thoughts and reading materials since I last posted a discussion on here which has set me on a few good directions however often left a few questions unanswered. I feel like now that I'm at a proverbial brick wall which I can't quite seem to get around or jump over. For those of you who may not remember or perhaps didn't read the original topic I'll summerise.

I think I potentially know a few of these answers of which I'm struggling with however would like your advice

• 
  My ex-partner and I split up one month ago (on good terms)
  She feels more secure in a polyamorous construct
  I am a monogamous, straight male
  We are still very good friends
  We still hang out and chat regularly
  I am exploring the possibility of us going out again within a mono/poly relationship

I have researched multiple blogs, videos from various public speakers, websites and I'm currently in the process of buying a few books to help get a better insight or alternative perspective which clicks. I have also had a discussion with a polyamorus friend and how she constructed her rules and how interactions and communication worked, which was quite insightful.

So... to the meat and bones of the subject.

My feelings for my ex-partner have not dissolved or dissipated and even though I know everything is still fresh and I'm still experiencing the emotional baggage. One thing that I do know is that I really do love my ex-partner down to my bones and I know she feels the same way about me. I have considered at potentially just 'moving on' so to speak and look for another monogamous partner however its very difficult to do when I feel so strongly about her. This is probably the most I could probably say I have felt for someone (if I could measure it)

Our personalities click, our interests, our humour. You know all the good things!

Even in knowing this within myself I still feel extremely lost, like I'm walking through thick fog. The overall idea is very scary for me and although people have mentioned to me 'just try it, you'll never know' to me thats just like dipping my toe in the water to see if it's a comfortable temperature. If I make this decision I know I have to be all in and put 100% in to this.

I sort of feel like I don't really know what my ex-partner wants from me. I'm a little afraid to ask the question as I suppose it'll start to rekindle our relationship somewhat. I feel knowing this may help however I'd like to be unbiased. I don't really want to tell her what I want as, being mono, I'd probably put on some restrictions which may seem very unfair. I think it would potentially be better to work around hers and then negotiate which would also make me happy - in that order.

I have also wanted to consider us potentially taking some time apart, we hang out almost every week for example which almost feels like a strange illusion of an open relationship to which I notice. I feel that the time we may not contact one another for could be bad, we may grow slightly more distant however I think it'll probably give each other time to think about if we really DO want each other and use that as a good measure before potentially dating again, good idea, maybe?

I feel that she moves extremely quickly with NRE and people that she meets, I'd never mention this to her at the moment as we're not together so I don't really want to impact on what she does, I feel happy that shes able to explore her life and be happier. However I do have some worries or reservations on her not discussing things with me and acting out through 'heat of the moment' situations.

I am not saying I don't trust her however she does seem a bit more promiscuous than I've previously noticed.

Thats all I'm really able to type at the moment, its getting late!

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I have considered at potentially just 'moving on' so to speak and look for another monogamous partner however its very difficult to do when I feel so strongly about her.

To me feelings ensue after behavior. Above? You continue to hang out and chat regularly with her as close friends,. That is the behavior. The feelings that ensue? Still feel strongly about her.

So in not letting it have closure and a rest first? In not moving on mentally to consider to date others? You mentally are still trying to date her? You are not letting new feelings ensue or time/space for the detachment process to happen in.

In other words, you have to DO the detaching behaviors before your feelings reflect that. You are not going to STOP feeling strongly about her until you stop doing behaviors to keep that alive. I am sure she will always be one of the loves of your life, but she won't stop being the "active love" until you stop making it be the active love.

I sort of feel like I don't really know what my ex-partner wants from me. I'm a little afraid to ask the question as I suppose it'll start to rekindle our relationship somewhat.

You may as well ask so you have clear communication to go from. You aren't allowing yourself to UNKINDLE right now anyway.

I don't really want to tell her what I want as, being mono, I'd probably put on some restrictions which may seem very unfair.

So you want to build a new potential thing with her by starting out from a less than honest foundation?

Dude, put it out there. Make your offer. Leave the evaluation to HER, not you. It is either an offer she wants to take on or one she does not want to take on at this time.

I think it would potentially be better to work around hers and then negotiate which would also make me happy - in that order.

IMHO, it is better for BOTH of you to just lay all cards on the table. What lines up, will. What doesn't won't. But either way it will be out there crystal clear.

I wonder if you hesitate to get the crystal clear word because you fear the result will be a clear cut "Nope. Not compatible. Won't ever happen" from her? Is that what is happening here?

I have also wanted to consider us potentially taking some time apart, we hang out almost every week for example which almost feels like a strange illusion of an open relationship

Yes. Meet your wants. If you guys hang out so much you worry it is giving the illusion that it is still like you are BF/GF? You probably ARE hanging out too much to let you more easily move on right now. that doesn't let you arrive at closure well.

I feel that she moves extremely quickly with NRE and people that she meets, I'd never mention this to her at the moment as we're not together so I don't really want to impact on what she does, I feel happy that shes able to explore her life and be happier. However I do have some worries or reservations on her not discussing things with me and acting out through 'heat of the moment' situations.

If you are friends now, she's oversharing telling your her NRE stuff. You could tell her to stop oversharing. Fine to tell you she's dating again, but don't give you details.

If it bugs you this much as her friend so you have worries? Think about how how her oversharing and how poly hell will affect you as her monoBF. Maybe that helps you arrive at closure also.

I mean this kindly, ok?

But to me you sound like you are still grieving the break up, and could be the "bargaining" stage in the stages of grief. I think what you need more now at this point in time is closure. Set aside rekindling things in a mono-poly model for some future point in time AFTER you have finished with today's closure business.

My suggestion? Give it some time and space APART for a while. Stop hanging out so tight. See each other for coffee once a month instead, no contact in between. Then 3-6 months out see if you guys really want to talk about trying to date again in a mono-poly model THEN.

It has been 3 weeks since the break up. You posted only like 2 weeks ago about that happening. Mono-poly is a challenging model. Attempting while still in mourning for previous rship? That's not the best time to attempt it, IMHO. Putting so much energy into all this research and stuff now also seems to enable you to avoid dealing in closure at the present time.

What's so horrible about being friends and exes for a while to let things chill first? Deal with closure first, rest. Could pick up this new idea and working with her to see if it is feasible THEN.

Galagirl

 

[AmokBSN]

So in not letting it have closure and a rest first? In not moving on mentally to consider to date others? You mentally are still trying to date her? You are not letting new feelings ensue or time/space for the detachment process to happen in.

I don't feel that I could mentally date others, I'm actually terrible with the whole dating thing to be honest and that's just from a low confidence point of view. I'm a bit of a walking contradiction. I'll find it difficult approaching people however once those barriers are removed I'm extremely confident and very energetic.

In terms of my personality I give off a lot of energy and I'm more than happy to devote a lot of time and resources to either assist with situations or make them feel better. Of course I realise this can often lead me pretty drained if there's a lack or no return.

So you want to build a new potential thing with her by starting out from a less than honest foundation?

Oh no, I'd always want to be honest with her, I would never lie (I know that sound cliche) however I think way too much about other peoples feelings and how it would affect them if I were to do such a thing. It's like cheating for example, I know I just couldn't do it, physically it would make me sick.

I wonder if you hesitate to get the crystal clear word because you fear the result will be a clear cut "Nope. Not compatible. Won't ever happen" from her? Is that what is happening here?

Actually its more to do with whats going on in her life at the moment, I don't really want to go in to much detail as I feel its not my place to do so however a small overview would be that past experiences growing up have been very difficult, re-finding polyamory, anxiety, job problems and money issues.

I would feel that placing this other element would be an extra thing for her to deal with on top of the other things she's trying to get on top of so I suppose its more of me waiting for the right time?

I do think that knowing would let me get a general idea of how she would feel in a relationship and once I know that, I can further explore if it would make me happy or if I need to negotiate or alter a few details.

Yes. Meet your wants. If you guys hang out so much you worry it is giving the illusion that it is still like you are BF/GF? You probably ARE hanging out too much to let you more easily move on right now. that doesn't let you arrive at closure well.

I don't really see it as we're boyfriend and girlfriend its almost like the feeling of an early stage 'open relationship'. Sometimes I find it quite weird and other times I'm very accepting of it. I know I'm not doing myself any favours in this situation!

If you are friends now, she's oversharing telling your her NRE stuff. You could tell her to stop oversharing. Fine to tell you she's dating again, but don't give you details.

Oddly enough, similarly to the above comment as much as the information can be difficult to process (its not explicit) its still something I actively ask on how she's doing to offer any support that I can. She has moved around from place to place for much of her life so having some very close friends who are understanding and want to listen could be few and far between.

I feel comfortable that she can confide in me as a friend and like I say, sometimes it feels a little hurtful however, in a weird way, I feel like I have to see how it feels and if I can process information like that. I hate to come across like I'm using it like a kind of experiment or research field!

She had sent me a really nice message saying how she was extremely thankful I've been able to be there to help her through some of her problems/issues and generally just be around when she really needed someone. Which you know is nice, I'd rather she didn't suffer in silence.

I have also been really thinking about how these things would affect me as a MonoBF, something I'm still trying to get to terms with however I'm making very small cautious baby steps.

I mean this kindly, ok?

I know, I don't really consider anyones returns to be vindictive or negative, sometimes you gotta hear what you gotta hear and for that I'm very thankful!

But to me you sound like you are still grieving the break up.

My suggestion? Give it some time and space APART for a while. Stop hanging out so tight. See each other for coffee once a month instead, no contact in between. Then 3-6 months out see if you guys really want to talk about trying to date again in a mono-poly model THEN.

I would completely agree with this, I still am to some degree however as days move past I become more accepting of the fact. I know we should maybe take some time apart, she might discover more about herself when I'm not around so much and vise versa.

I feel that I would potentially 'lose' her which is a very strange feeling for me to process as its very conflicting, open relationships still give me the ability to re-enter her life in some kind of capacity even if its just close friends or something more. This is something I am currently dealing with and more of a primary focus.

Of course as highlighted above, I still want to be there for her and help her in times of need due to the various conflicts she's currently struggling with. I'd feel pretty bad cutting off all ties.

 

[GalaGirl]

Relationships are participatory, not possessive. If she and you want to keep participating in some kind of relationship you will. Less frequency will not mean zero frequency.

To me? The bottom line "brick wall" appears to be that you have two wants in conflict:

• I want to take time apart. I want closure. I want to be friends but not date her.
• I want to keep in her orbit as tight as I can. I want to date her again.

Both right now seem kinda equal. So until more time passes and you decide which you want most, you just have to put up with feeling wobbly with internal conflict.

Was it a different brick wall you were talking about?

What is your desired outcome? Are you able to articulate it at this time?

Galagirl

 

[AmokBSN]

I have never really been a possessive person, I have always let her do what she wants and encourage the exploration of her interests. To some degree I realise the restrictions within that with her maintaining a mono relationship with me until it broke down.

I am just considering the time apart as an option, I think/feel we are so comfortable at what we've lost and still equally have gained that the dynamic hasn't really changed (for the most part) I am interested in the time being apart for us to perhaps reflect. Time apart I realise can work in two ways, both of which are good outcomes.

The first outcome is that we realise that something can work, the passion is still there and something we are both willing work out through planning.

The other is that we are perhaps on different ends of the spectrum and foresee that it cannot and never will work, feelings and communication may break down to the point we no longer wish to be in each others lives.

Ultimately, we know, communicate and understand what we want, how things can work or perhaps not. As long as we remain friends.

I like the idea you present in terms of an orbit, I feel thats what we do, we circle one another responding to needs and always being there for one another. I wouldn't say I want to keep it tight however I would say that I don't want her to drift away.

The brick wall that I'm facing happens to come from those I've tried to discuss elements of poly to in person, mostly my mono work colleagues. It's left me with a lot of hurt feelings to how they perceive my ex-partner and also me.

I'm leaving out the more direct details as I don't want to trigger anyones past experiences and get banned from the forum or something!

I'm really trying to formulate words here however even with that, I'm finding it hard.

 

[GalaGirl]

Are you saying you are basically good with your exGF and where you both are at the moment then?

And the brick wall you are hitting is...

• I want to talk to my mono work friends about my polystuff
• I am disappointed they think poly is nuts. I cannot talk to them about it.

Is that it?

Galagirl

 

[AmokBSN]

Are you saying you are basically good with your exGF and where you both are at the moment then?

And the brick wall you are hitting is...

• I want to talk to my mono work friends about my polystuff
• I am disappointed they think poly is nuts. I cannot talk to them about it.

Is that it?

Galagirl

I think we're in a good place in terms of us being friends, we still laugh and enjoy each others company and its very positive. I should, as previously highlighted ask her terms of what an ideal poly relationship would be for her and see if her terms are workable or if I can negotiate something that would make us both happy.

I feel like I've read a decent amount (not a lot) watched some videos and I still feel quite afraid of stepping over the line, I don't expect to watch or read anything and think 'yup, I can do it' I understand this is going to take a lot of self reflection, discussions and even to some degree, experiencing.

Lets just say I work in the creative sector, we deal with loads of people from every kind background and I'd have like to have thought my mono colleagues would perhaps be a little more supportive or open minded to me researching this and even considering it. They know how much I care for my ex-partner and they thought we were a great match, they all love her too.

However, once I discussed this option with them they became quite vindictive to her as a person almost trying to make me dislike her. They internally reflected on themselves as people rather than thinking about any positive outcomes or about my feelings.

At first I was more lead to believe on what they said, a common phrase is her 'having her cake and eating it' which has been said by multiple people and at first I was believing it. I quickly changed that mode of thinking though. I don't think she's a selfish person, she claims she is however she goes out of the way to help anyone she can.

Overall it feels I've had perhaps ZERO support or any positive outlook on the situation, even if someone were to talk to me about the negatives and then weigh up positives I'd probably be a little happier. It feels all very personal and I'm trying to stay away from it being personal and more in to thinking about the feelings, the processes and if it can work rather than abandoning ship at the first cause of a problem.

Does that maybe explain it a little?

 

[GalaGirl]

I could be wrong, but I am hearing...

"Yes. My brick wall right now is my friends at work.

I've had ZERO support there as I wonder and research if I could actually do a mono-poly model. I wish I had some support there as I think things out.

They don't have to be all hung-ho like "Yay! Poly=awesome!" I'd be happy even with someone willing to pro/con with me. Rather than all my friends at work being "poly = bad."​

In which case, I am sorry you struggle finding real life support as you sort this out for yourself. I can see that you would like it.

Galagirl

 

[AmokBSN]

I could be wrong, but I am hearing...

"Yes. My brick wall right now is my friends at work.

I've had ZERO support there as I wonder and research if I could actually do a mono-poly model. I wish I had some support there as I think things out.

They don't have to be all hung-ho like "Yay! Poly=awesome!" I'd be happy even with someone willing to pro/con with me. Rather than all my friends at work being "poly = bad."​

In which case, I am sorry you struggle finding real life support as you sort this out for yourself. I can see that you would like it.

Galagirl

Apologies for the late reply, it's been extremely busy at work for me so I've been spending a lot of time focusing on that.

I guess theres a lot of things I'm trying to overcome with everything still being very new and fresh and thats more down to my own thought processes and trying to learn from this new concept and experience.

I mean I don't expect everyone to look at this concept and be like 'yeah that sounds great, go you' however being a little supportive that there are other means to have a working relationship out of the normal constructs would be nice to listen to.

Those whom I've trusted with speaking on this subject have been turning the topic around on its head, maybe giving me bad impressions of my ex-partner. It feels like they want me to dislike her rather than work things through because thats how a lot of people deal with ex-partners, they cut everything off and they feel they could never be friends with them again (for whichever reason)

A term they usually throw at me is her 'having her cake and eating it' she can get all of the benefits that I offer as well as more however I also like to see this as me getting lots of benefits also, this should work both ways and I don't think they see it.

I feel they see it as me working towards changing when they feel that I shouldn't have to.

Its just really hard to find other poly people to have maybe some in depth discussions with. Forums are great and all however its never a flowing conversation. You know?

The other bricks I'm facing within the wall I'm currently trying to deal with if I need some assistance on addressing these I'll make sure to post them. I still know that my ex-partner and I need to have a big discussion at some point and during the weekend we have hinted to one another that we want to be together.

She's putting a lot of effort in to seeing me at the weekend due to everything else she's got going on and I recognise that, if she didn't want anything to work she would have long abandoned that!