Stuck and Confused

[Deleted member 11452]

I've been in polyamorous relationships before, but am currently in a monogamous one. I'm in a relationship at the moment. I have often brought up a polyamorous lifestyle, and although he seems to understand it, he seems very hesitant to pursue it. He says he's okay with me bringing in female partners, but no male partners, and gives me the simple reason that it's his territorial instinct. Yet he seems to like the idea of being able to bring in female partners for himself, as well.

He claims that he's happy being monogamous, but understands where I'm coming from, and would pursue this lifestyle, but finds it completely new to his ways.

As of now, I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been with him for 2 years and do not want to lose him, but I'm not sure he really gets it, or if this is fitting for us, with his views. I do believe poly relationships are better fitting for my own views, and simply for me, but I'm currently stuck. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[meinsb]

I'm stuck and confused, too.

I've never been in a polyamorous relationship before. Basically, I came out as poly to my wife about six months ago. Prior to, we had discussed it some, but I was still too unsure to commit to being truly different.

Now we are in a bit of a tough spot because we love each other, but she is defiantly monogamous, while I am more sure I am poly by the day.

Bringing a man or a women into our relationship is something she is willing to do for the sake of allowing me to have what works for me. Basically, she feels as long as I am willing to maintain a mostly-monogamous relationship, she is willing to be somewhat sexually promiscuous.

At first, this seemed like a great breakthrough, but now I feel it is a temporary solution for a more difficult problem. In our relationship, the only thing that has happened physically was kind of like a couples foursome, but the only ones doing anything were my wife and the other women. We men were friends, and sort of respected each other's space, and girlfriends, in bed. Plus, we were all drinking, so the whole situation was not very deliberate.

I have come out to very few people and am struggling with being honest with myself about being different.

 

[Deleted member 11452]

I'm not searching for other partners just for a physical thing, as I care more for intellectual connections with people. But everyone's different. It's good that your wife is open to it, you can probably talk to her more about it, and get her to learn about it on her own, and that way be able to understand it more. Although, if she is set on it being more monogamous than anything else, you'll probably have some issues. What I would suggest is to have her as your primary, and remind her of that, and then have other partners as secondaries to your relationship. Ask her why she mostly wants it monogamous. What are her fears, troubles?

Btw, considering you said you're a male, and you mentioned that you were okay with bringing in female and male partners, if you don't mind me asking, are you straight or bi? My partner says that, as a straight male, he does not want any male partners involved with me, and I don't really understand his reasoning.

 

[meinsb]

I have a difficult time saying what I've said about sexual things, because I feel it is contrary to the basic principle of polyamory, which is about multiples loves, not promiscuity.

That is the reason I figured polyamory was more of a cover for wanting to be promiscuous. Six months ago, when I 'came out' as poly, it was with the full understanding that it can't be just about sex. Now I am getting involved with the community to see what it is.

Shortly after I came out as poly, I also had to face the fact that I am not straight. For a while I kinda let that stay under the radar, but now I identify as bi. I don't believe I am an even 50/50 split, but I am way to new to all this to say.

Mostly for both my sexuality and relationship choices, I am feeling enormous social pressures NOT to be the way I am. Coming out to a close friend and my sister seemed fairly easy. Then I came out to my brother, which was tough at first, but went really well in the end.

Right now, I am just soul searching to figure out what I am. Today is my first day talking to people I don't know about these topics. I am surprised how easy it is to talk, though.

 

[meinsb]

It's difficult for me not to think about sex, right now in particular, because my wife is in Spokane, WA, and I am in Santa Barbara, CA, for the next six months! This was a way for us to begin our new lives out of college. I've just started a career down in SB, and she is finishing her career start in Spokane before moving down here.

Your partner seems caught up on the sexual part of it, as well, if he is interested in you bringing women, but not interested in men. I am thinking, I need to step away from sex completely and look at seeing another person intellectually. If that feels good, I will consider other things.

The largest factor in my identifying as poly is my lack of jealousy. If things were flipped around, and my wife wanted a more open relationship, I wouldn't be afraid of losing her, and would be happy that the other person/people made her happy.

 

[redpepper]

He wants a unicorn, then? It's a typical way to start exploring polyamory. It may not be the best way, however. I suggest doing a search in the tags for "unicorn" to see what has been suggested in the past.

I suggest he reads here also, and does a search in the tags for "mono/poly." There are lots of great threads, and great mono people (including my bf), struggling to make sense of poly, just as he is.