Supporting your partner as they go through a difficulty with their other partner

G

Gardener9

New member
Hi friends,

(Apologies if there's a thread for this already; couldn't find one)

What's your philosophy or approach for supporting your partner when they are having or going through some kind of difficulty with their other partner (your metamour).

I'm thinking "difficulty" could mean an argument, stress, misunderstanding, possible breakup, jealousy, revised agreements - I'm open to any examples from your own experience.

I'm particularly interested in instances where the desire to give and receive (mainly emotional but really any kind of) support in one dyad might bump up against respect for confidentiality in the other dyad (I have a V structure in mind, my partner being the hinge).

I realize this is a broadly framed question, but I'm interested in any insightful experiences people may be willing to share.
 
Hello Gardener9,

I think the key thing here is just being there for your partner, whatever they may need. And they may just need space, to figure things out on their own. Don't begrudge them this space, every relationship is its own compartment and they may not want to mix compartments. You will find the right balance, just let them know you care about them, and are there for them if/when ever there is some way you can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think with experience, you may find out that knowing the details of your partners' fights is really neither interesting nor helpful. At least that was my journey. If it was a one-time thing and not repetitive fights, depending on the situation, the level of sharing might differ.
 
Thank you both. What you say makes complete sense and I'm sure I'll eventually adjust to the expectations of the new relationship dynamics we're in.

Part of the struggle for me, though, after thirty years of monogamous commitment to one another, is understanding what it means to be my wife's confidant now. Or how the role of "confidant" may be changing. There have been so many challenges we've worked through together as a team over the years: parents with dementia, raising a trans daughter in a hostile political environment, our own mental health issues, job losses. I was sort of surprised at this aspect of the new arrangement, not always being able to talk through the details of what may be affecting her emotionally (to the best of my knowledge, my metamour and her partner, being younger and not having been married as long as we, have encountered some stress that has the potential to affect the relationship between my wife and metamour).

I'm sure there's more than a little naivety on my part with this development. And I'm sure some folks on the forum would say I'm guilty of holding on to a kind of couple's privilege that no longer exists (or should not moving forward). I'll continue to follow my wife's lead on this and not ask questions so as not to interfere with confidentiality. Kevin, compartmenting and giving space is good advice, and Tinwen, perhaps the interest in such details will subside for me too as you've experienced. Still, I struggle with the urge to leap in and assist.🙂
 
Exactly. If you do jump in a few times, you might find your engagement with other people's affairs didn't help anything. It just made one more person (you) all agitated.
 
Naturally, this is an adjustment. You are used to a two-party dynamic, where you and your wife put your heads together to solve problems as a team. Now you have a three-party dynamic, and the rules have changed. It may be that your wife will need you to be a listening ear, not to try to help her solve the problem, but just to show empathy. Or she may need to keep the problem entirely between her and her other partner, and then the best thing you can do is give her space for that. Just let her take the lead in indicating to you what kind of help she needs.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top