Taking a break?

[MsEmotional]

Like Ponytail, my lover has mental illness. Hell yes, I take breaks when it gets overwhelming. My people know that if they ask about her and I say "We're off again," it means we're not seeing each other or talking much. This can last a few days or a couple weeks.

I've asked for breaks mindfully, usually after a very bad episode once she's stable and safe. After days or even weeks of dealing with her problems, I need this time away from her to turn my attention fully to my own work/health/life. I refill my own bucket, so to speak.

A couple of times it's been a "hard break." This happens when I see her not doing her part to stay on track, skipping her meds or doing hard drugs. I blow up out of frustration and anger, screaming "It's over!" These breaks definitely don't help her mental state, but I think of it as tough love, it means she's forced to deal with her own shit. So far, I have always taken her back after she's stopped whatever behavior triggered the hard break. I do not promise to do so forever, I reevaluate frequently while not under her sexy influence.

I've had to radically accept that this is just how my relationship with her IS. I can only comfortably stay in it if I actively take time away from it. I have to consciously carve out lots of separateness for myself. Like your guy, my lady doesn't always like it when I pull away, and she tries to push my boundaries. Like you, I want to be supportive and help her, but I don't appreciate being forced into the position of caretaker or enabler. And I certainly don't want my world constantly in shambles over relationship drama.

You gotta figure you can't help anyone if you're exhausted, overwhelmed, and angry. Do what you need to to regulate your own emotions. Take as much space or distance as you need, Pony will have to take care of Pony. Then you'll be able to see Ponytail and the relationship with more clarity.

As Ponytail and I are actually taking a real break this week, i came back and re-read this thread with a renewed perspective. Just wanted to say how helpful your response is. I didn’t see it at the time, but now I am feeling the benefits of taking this break — as well as the hope that we are able to come back from it. I am thinking that maybe this kind of radical acceptance is what I need — that I need to set the boundary that the relationship will need to have periodic breaks if it is to continue at all.

 

[lunabunny]

As Ponytail and I are actually taking a real break this week, i came back and re-read this thread with a renewed perspective. Just wanted to say how helpful your response is. I didn’t see it at the time, but now I am feeling the benefits of taking this break — as well as the hope that we are able to come back from it. I am thinking that maybe this kind of radical acceptance is what I need — that I need to set the boundary that the relationship will need to have periodic breaks if it is to continue at all.

I have had to take this route two or three times in the past year, with my partner, Jester.

My mental issues (anxiety, depression) tend to be exacerbated by Jester's own "off" periods (during which he is emotionally absent and uncommunicative) and risky behaviours (times of increased substance abuse).

Additionally, he has attention issues and we both exhibit traits on the autistic spectrum (tending to be obsessive, but about different things) so finding a healthy relationship equilibrium has been a struggle at times.

Thus far, our longest "break" has been a week of zero communication - at my instigation, and for the sake of my mental health - which he honoured without rancour. At other times, I've taken a couple of days where I've shut off social media and stopped texting (it's a LDR).

I also decided not to continue communicating with both my partners the last time they went on vacation together, mainly because it was just too emotionally difficult, knowing they were together without me, and having Boho so eager to keep in contact, while Jester essentially ignored me.

While some may view temporarily halting communication with a partner as dysfunctional, I currently take the view that - provided the relationship is generally worthwhile, is not abusive, and you enjoy each other's company and still have great love for each other - these times can be treated as much needed sanity breaks for one or both parties.

Dealing with mental illness and/or drug addiction can be very taxing and sometimes a period of "respite" is needed.

 

[anamikanon]

He had agreed to giving you space. A graceful way to address it could be "I need space for a bit". If he is feeling guilty about hurting you, the word "break" is obviously going to be an anxiety trigger.

What is more important? You getting the time to yourself or what you call it?