Taking time off.

[AlexPortnoy]

My live-in GF and I have run into some problems recently - broken rules, total NRE submersion and more broken rules. I don't date a whole lot. Maybe once or twice a month and rarely does it lead to sex. And even more rarely NRE on my part. I like my dates as friends, but don't always feel terribly romantic toward them.

I can handle my GFs NREs - I've done it many times before and have ridden it out with only minor injuries if any at all. But the rule breaking (constantly texting her new BF even when we're on a date, not changing sheets after he visits, ditching out on shared parenting and dating someone who's not being honest to his partner) combined with the lack of time spent together is making me reconsider. Plus she's seen three or four guys (plus me!) in the last couple weeks? Seems excessive, panicky almost

I don't want to just break up. We share a blended family, a house etc. Plus, I really love her. And I believe she loves me. But I'd love if we got off our dating site and just slowed down for a couple weeks maybe a month to work on us. I'd be happy to go back once we re-establish what we have, if it's salvageable.

Is this absurd? Is it controlling? Is it a bad idea? Thoughts?

 

[PolyinPractice]

If you are simply non-monogamous and not poly, than closing your relationship might be possible-- if you can get her to agree to it. But if she's poly and in a committed, emotional relationship with others, it's not right for you to ask her to cut them out of her life. Even if she agreed, it's bound to cause resentment and is one of the few things that will cause someone poly to leave you.

If you're asking her to stop dating NEW people, it could work, even if she's poly-- but what if she happened to meet someone she likes/has someone she likes and starts getting closer to them? Or spends ANY time with them? THe lines get very blurry- for poly folk- when trying to distinguish between "romantic relationship" and "affectionate friendship."

Best to just reinforce what you and she need, between the two of you, rather than involving other people in this matter.

 

[Emm]

Can you frame it in terms of what you want as an outcome rather than how you want to achieve it?

For example, if you want to spend more time together but just say "I want you not to date others for a while", she may agree, stop going on dates, and spend the extra time on a new hobby. She's done exactly what you asked, but you still don't get what you want.

If, instead, you say "I want to spend more time together", then she may agree and spend more time with you. Where that time comes from will be up to her, and may come out of her existing "me" time or study time or TV time rather than her dating time, but so what? You get what you're actually after.

In either case, though, you need to remember that the fact that you're asking in no way obliges her to agree.

 

[Inyourendo]

I think taking a break when you are both not seeing others fine if she chooses that. You can't really take a break when there ia other people already involved. Its pretty rude of her to be texting while you guys are out and inconsiderate not to follow simple requests like changing sheets though. Perhaps she should just leave the phone off while you guys go out and not have sex in your bed anymore (maybe have an air mattress for her other sex partners)

 

[AlexPortnoy]

Thanks for your input.

We spoke at length last night and can't decide whether to take a break from each other or from seeing others. I prefer hunkering down to see whether we're worth it anymore. She suggested taking a break from each other, but acknowledged it's difficult to do while living together. I'm resigned we will take a break from each other. She's unsure (for now), but what she wants is usually what happens.

The man she's seen most regularly for the last month is married and not honest with his wife. Which did not entirely bother me at first. I was not thrilled, but life is messy. I understand that. She said she loves him and he loves her (which caused me some heartache, she's never acknowledged that with previous lovers). She said she doesn't realistically see any future with him; he lives 90 minutes away, married with a child and is 12 years her junior. But she's obsessed, nonetheless. Her words, not mine. I understand, it has all the signs of NRE, but I'm kinda at my wits end.

But I'm starting to believe his dishonesty allows her to be careless with my feelings - i.e. the unchanged sheets, texting during a date etc. I could be wrong. I also think the unchanged sheets and texting were subconscious or conscious choices to drive a wedge between us. She denies this, claims it was thoughtless, but unintentional.

I'm taking a break no matter what - not that I was seeing a lot of people anyway. But I logged off OKC last night. I may chat with a couple of (romantic) friends who live far away and rarely see in the flesh. But beyond that, I'd rather work on us or myself.

Also, it must be noted, she's an NRE junkie. We've been together for 2.5 years and she crushes hard on someone for a few months and then moves on to someone else and crushes hard for a couple months. It's her MO and I'm used to it, but also weary. Tired of the shelved rules and responsibilities to us when she's in the throes of NRE.

And with that, I'm horribly depressed.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

My live-in GF and I have run into some problems recently - broken rules, total NRE submersion and more broken rules. I don't date a whole lot. Maybe once or twice a month and rarely does it lead to sex. And even more rarely NRE on my part. I like my dates as friends, but don't always feel terribly romantic toward them.

I can handle my GFs NREs - I've done it many times before and have ridden it out with only minor injuries if any at all. But the rule breaking (constantly texting her new BF even when we're on a date, not changing sheets after he visits, ditching out on shared parenting and dating someone who's not being honest to his partner) combined with the lack of time spent together is making me reconsider. Plus she's seen three or four guys (plus me!) in the last couple weeks? Seems excessive, panicky almost

I don't want to just break up. We share a blended family, a house etc. Plus, I really love her. And I believe she loves me. But I'd love if we got off our dating site and just slowed down for a couple weeks maybe a month to work on us. I'd be happy to go back once we re-establish what we have, if it's salvageable.

Is this absurd? Is it controlling? Is it a bad idea? Thoughts?

Alex, this is what I want too with my own BF. he agreed to a week or two of cooling it off, then re-assessing. since I was very mad at him at the time, I said that wasn't enough (mind you, he doesn't have an outside partner, hes just looking). But we DID agree to go to counseling together, and I asked him to close his OKC account until at least or session (which he did).

 

[gorgeouskitten]

We spoke at length last night and can't decide whether to take a break from each other or from seeing others. I prefer hunkering down to see whether we're worth it anymore. She suggested taking a break from each other, but acknowledged it's difficult to do while living together. I'm resigned we will take a break from each other. She's unsure (for now), but what she wants is usually what happens.

The man she's seen most regularly for the last month is married and not honest with his wife. Which did not entirely bother me at first. I was not thrilled, but life is messy. I understand that. She said she loves him and he loves her (which caused me some heartache, she's never acknowledged that with previous lovers). She said she doesn't realistically see any future with him; he lives 90 minutes away, married with a child and is 12 years her junior. But she's obsessed, nonetheless. Her words, not mine. I understand, it has all the signs of NRE, but I'm kinda at my wits end.

But I'm starting to believe his dishonesty allows her to be careless with my feelings - i.e. the unchanged sheets, texting during a date etc. I could be wrong. I also think the unchanged sheets and texting were subconscious or conscious choices to drive a wedge between us. She denies this, claims it was thoughtless, but unintentional.

I'm taking a break no matter what - not that I was seeing a lot of people anyway. But I logged off OKC last night. I may chat with a couple of (romantic) friends who live far away and rarely see in the flesh. But beyond that, I'd rather work on us or myself.

Also, it must be noted, she's an NRE junkie. We've been together for 2.5 years and she crushes hard on someone for a few months and then moves on to someone else and crushes hard for a couple months. It's her MO and I'm used to it, but also weary. Tired of the shelved rules and responsibilities to us when she's in the throes of NRE.

And with that, I'm horribly depressed.

Sorry I had not seen this last bit before I responded. Honestly? If D. wanted preferred a break from me to a break from "others' i'd seriously question our relationship. But I'm also newly identified as mono not poly, so its somewhat different.

 

[AlexPortnoy]

Sorry I had not seen this last bit before I responded. Honestly? If D. wanted preferred a break from me to a break from "others' i'd seriously question our relationship. But I'm also newly identified as mono not poly, so its somewhat different.

I define myself as somewhat monogamous. I like being a primary, I've enjoyed meeting new lovers in the past though not lately. Getting used to my GF seeing new lovers can be a hurdle at times, no doubt. Which I suppose is why I couldn't define myself as 100 percent only poly. I certainly prefer an honest, (emotionally) open relationship which lends itself to the poly lifestyle in my opinion.

I'm not completely sure where we will go, whether a break between us or a break from others. Nonetheless, I feel this is as big a fork in the road as we've faced.

 

[AlexPortnoy]

entirely[/I] bother me at first. I was not thrilled, but life is messy. I understand that. She said she loves him and he loves her (which caused me some heartache, she's never acknowledged that with previous lovers). She said she doesn't realistically see any future with him; he lives 90 minutes away, married with a child and is 12 years her junior. But she's obsessed, nonetheless. Her words, not mine. I understand, it has all the signs of NRE, but I'm kinda at my wits end.

But I'm starting to believe his dishonesty allows her to be careless with my feelings - i.e. the unchanged sheets, texting during a date etc. I could be wrong. I also think the unchanged sheets and texting were subconscious or conscious choices to drive a wedge between us. She denies this, claims it was thoughtless, but unintentional.

My mistake, he's not married. He lives with his longtime GF and their child. But…splitting hairs, am I right, folks?

 

[friskyone4u]

Alex,

of course your relationship with you GF can be saved, but it appears that will occur only if she gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and with whoever she wants. And it appears that is going to continue to be with a bunch of people.

You have stated that is 2.5 years it has been constant bumps and it appears ( I could be wrong) that you are struggling with the dynamics of your relationship and she is having a blast.

You are not going to change that i do not believe. You cannot nor should you control her, but you must decide what you can live with or not.

You child sharing should not be the reason you stay in a relationship where you are not getting what you need and everything gets focused on what she wants or needs and you just go along with it.

It does not matter if her partners are older, younger, or married. What matters is that she just told you she would rather take a break from you than give up doing exactly as she pleases. That should tell you something.

So as i see it, you wiother suck it up and allow her to be as poly as she wants to, or you seriously think about ending this relationship. it does not seem you are on the same page.

 

[AlexPortnoy]

You have stated that is 2.5 years it has been constant bumps and it appears ( I could be wrong) that you are struggling with the dynamics of your relationship and she is having a blast.

The constant bumps were my own. I went from a 100 percent monogamous marriage to dating my current GF in an open relationship since day 1. It merely took some getting used to, like living in a foreign country that you love but may not carry the type of peanut butter you're used to.

You are not going to change that i do not believe. You cannot nor should you control her, but you must decide what you can live with or not.

Agreed. I can and have lived happily in our open relationship when my rules and needs are met. When they're ignored or forgotten or mistakenly dismissed, it goes beyond just an accident to me. It becomes "She hates me and wants to replace me with her NRE of the moment." That's why I've stressed to her these are the safeguards I need to be happy.

It does not matter if her partners are older, younger, or married. What matters is that she just told you she would rather take a break from you than give up doing exactly as she pleases. That should tell you something.

Agreed. But, to be honest, we've not reached a decision yet. Or she has not. My break from dating has already started. I need it even though I rarely date anyway. I just don't need the extra thoughts.

So as i see it, you wiother suck it up and allow her to be as poly as she wants to, or you seriously think about ending this relationship. it does not seem you are on the same page.

We may not be, but who ever really is, anyway?

 

[AlexPortnoy]

New turn in this sage

Now I am confused. My GF and I have had ongoing discussions since this erupted on Sunday and we've been getting along though things feel fragile and distant. Anyway, this morning she said "I think I'm going to end things with (the attached guy). It's just too much. Too many feelings. I'd rather be numb."

I told her not to and not on my account. My suggestion ever since things erupted was they should tell his GF they were dating, that it felt wrong to date based on a lie. One date, sure, I'll look the other way. But 10? And my other sticking point was their ignoring my boundaries (the sheets). And, to some extent, making time for my relationship with her. Those were really the things that mattered most to me regarding their relationship.

Though I feel the tiniest bit of relief (I always do when these NREs end) I also feel guilty as though I forced it. Typically her NREs die out on their own, I've never voiced an objection to her previous partners and only suggested they should be honest here. This feels abrupt, like this will haunt her as the one that got away. I told her I'd be understanding, helpful and cognizant she may be depressed due to the end of this relationship, but now I wonder if things will just be more distant between us.

I've been a wreck the last few days, honestly. Very little sleep. Crabby as hell with kids, with work, trying to remain calm with her. She said she's noticed and feels to blame for my misery. I don't want her to think that, everyone is in charge of their own emotions and what not. But blah blah blah, you know. We went out last night for the first time in weeks and it felt great though occasionally strained.

Also, should I show her this thread? Would it make things worse? Better? No difference? Though she's significantly more poly than me, she's also far less well versed in the poly community and ethics. Once we started poly I naturally immersed myself in learning more about how it works. She's always played it by ear. I don't think she's even read "Ethical Slut" or "Sex at Dawn." Any thoughts?

I don't know if we're taking a break between us or taking a break from others. This is an ongoing discussion that is not over yet.

 

[AlexPortnoy]

I suppose I failed to mention in previous posts that her most current BF is attached and lying to his partner, which is significant. I always tell her I love her unconditionally. I just wish she didn't frequently try and test those conditions.