Tales from 221B

A

AliceLiddel

New member
Main culprits of this blog are as follows:

Sherlock- my wife
Little K- my wife's baby (still in utero)
Lestrade- my husband and boyfriend to Sherlock
Little A- my tiny utero package.
Mycroft- Sherlock's brother and our roommate.
DB- Our other roommate

Welcome to the Thunderdome.


This blog was an idea I had during a short day jaunt to San Jose. One because, I'm an attention whore and I rather like blogging and two, because my partners could read it if they really wanted to. I always feel like when I blog that I talk about it like its a drug. It's been well over a year since my last blog and I am just a twitter with excitement. Hold on, let me get my lighter…

I have this problem. Well, perhaps it would be a better put as a lack of understanding. You see, I hate silence and I'm not a huge fan of being alone. The psychoanalytical part of me wonders if this has to do with being an only child, which can be terribly lonely. Most likely, it is my inner extrovert screaming at the deafening silence of the house. I'm not actually alone often, right both Sherlock and I are coming to the end of two weeks off of work; so its been the two of us.

Sherlock has no issue being alone. I think most days she prefers it. I can't hate on it, its part of her complex personality after all and she wouldn't be Sherlock without it. But, I simply don't get it.

I think Lestrade had a harder time with this than I do; he seems to take her stints of hermiting as a sign that she isn't cross with him. Which makes both parties a mite upset and I'm left with my proverbial dick in my hand.

In essence the only thing I can do about this is to learn to be okay when I am left alone. For the most part I am, I have hobbies out the wazoo. Yet I fear, I will have to always battle that small part of me that is a wailing child searching for the teat of attention.

What I'm really trying to say is that my ultrasound is today and I'm excited. Lestrade will be at work during it (boo) but Sherlock is going with me (not boo). I am seven weeks along and Little A is already proving to be a stubborn and unweildly creature. Right now, he does this curious thing where he craves a food and then in the middle of it, he hates it. I'm talking serious nausea here.

Things he had decided to hate on:

-Chinese food.
-Pickles
-Chocolate
-Coffee
-Hot sauce

I don't trust anything I eat now. It's a damn shame.

Speaking of that, when I get up in the morning a small timer starts in my head because I have about fiveish minutes to eat something before Little A gets mad at me. I'm going to have to start leaving snacks in my room.
And hope that he doesn't decide to hate those too.
 
Today's word of the day is codependency. I was once very codependent back when Lestrade and I were monogamous and so was he. Over the may years of both of us feeding into this life sucking creature of a relationship, verbally abusing and emotionally manipulating one another, I am amazed that we survived.

Well, amazed may not be the right word. Stubborn perseverance is better. Except that some time maybe in the last few years, I recognized this about myself. I still try to this day to be less codependent and I feel like I have made progress. Lestrade, however still flounders and I think he becomes even more distressed when it involves our woman.

Lestrade and Sherlock have not been (officially) together long, just under a year in fact. Although they have been friends (albeit rocky ones at times) for years. Meanwhile, Lestrade and I have been together for eight years, so in times of conflict I think he is more comfortable in dealing with me.

This causes some issue because Lestrade will come to me even if the problem has nothing to do with me. I hear about his issues with Sherlock so often I could write a book. It is rare that he goes to her about them, usually, it takes either her making the first move or me stepping forward.

Lestrade also has poor emotional control. He can be a volatile individual but it is usually contained inward. Most times, I have to pry it out of him or else he will stew and it. And like any infection, it will fester and spread until it becomes septic.

I realize that I am painting a poor picture of Lestrade. It's just that right now, he hasn't made a good one of himself. He has good qualities too; a good provider, good listener, he can be patient and very sweet. But his grenade like nature and clingy dependent needs seem to outweigh this.

Yesterday, Sherlock and I sat down with Lestrade to talk to him about these issues. They are not new ones and we have talked about this before but I hope that he will get some professional help. The conversation was heavy and Lestrade was visibly upset. Yet, he did not comment much on it and the rest of the night he kind of kept to himself. When we went to bed he tossed and turned and muttered. I kept my silence as I tried to let him work things out for himself.

He had to work this morning. I woke up when he got in the shower, although I was still in bed when he got out. I must have seemed still asleep but I heard him say that he hated me. He hated me because I want him to change. I did not take it words too personally, people say things they don't really mean when they are upset and I thought he may have been trying to get a reaction out of me.

It is true. I do want him to change but because the things he does are not healthy. They way he "copes" right now is not healthy. The emotional strain is like a rock on my shoulders because I feel responsible for him. I shouldn't and that is my burden to bear. But I also worry about our kids because I don't want them to model this aspect of their fathers behavior. Codependency is a learned trait and a bitch to break (I should know). I worry that he will not be able to support me emotionally during the course of my pregnancy because he seems to need so much of mine and Sherlock's help with his emotional control.

I hope he thinks all of this over and decides on therapy because I want it to be his only option. This sounds harsh but I have done this song and dance with him before and he never ends up going. But ultimately, I can't force him to change. I can only hope that he wants to.
 
I hate being emotional. With a passion.
I hate being so bothered by other peoples opinions. I hate that I seem so reliant on other people, that I can never seem to get right. I wish I were more like Sherlock but instead there seems to be nothing I can do to change my true nature. At times I am at peace with it but lately I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm going to be a terrible mother. I'll fuck them up just like my mother fucked me up and they will hate me. Like I hate her.

That's my fear.
 
:hug: that is every new mother's fear. Just think 'what would mother do?' And then do something else. No promises you won't make mistakes, but at least you won't make the same ones! I had a rocky childhood too, but my daughter (21 soon!) turned out way better than I did. You CAN break the pattern.
 
I know it's really really really hard but remember part of what you're feeling now is just hormones - I'm a pretty volatile person anyway but that's NOTHING compared to pregnancy / breastfeeding / weaning hormonal cocktails.
 
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