Tales from the Time Share Wife

Despite being very social, ESTJs are not too good at deciphering other people’s feelings and can often be quite inattentive when it comes to sensing how their dating or a long-term partner feels.

This is a huge one. I have this issue seeing the other side. I assume (and I'm working on this) that if it’s not bothering me, then it won't bother someone else. or if they do get upset, it's very hard for me to empathise. I always thought this was a spectrum thing because I'm not very nurturing and I don't feel sorry for people when bad things happen to them (with the exception of kids, for some reason), Nate is so different than me in this regard. He has told me that he’s so careful with my feelings that it stresses him out sometimes. I told him not to bother. lol

ESTJs are not naturally emotional, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, people with this personality type should not dismiss emotions as pointless and irrational. Different does not mean wrong, and being sensitive is often far more important than being right.

Another thing I'm working on, accepting that everyone is different and works on things their own way. What may be something easy for me to get over might devastate someone else. Last Nov someone stole our sweet little dog from our yard. We put up fliers and checked the shelters, I would go on CL to look in the pets section, I would stop at all the puppy mill people on the corner hoping I would find her. It was sad for me, but I knew that dwelling on it wouldn't make her suddenly appear. I kept my feelings to myself, almost embarrassed that I had feelings and just hoped that the person who had her would love her. Someone else, on the other hand, could have been crying for days as if they lost a child, and perhaps to them they did. But I shouldn't look down on them for some perceived weakness. I should see that they need to grieve that way. I get it, but I still can't feel bad for them. I can only logically tell myself why they feel bad.

One thing I love about getting older is I learn more and more about myself every year. I had a shitty childhood, really shitty and suffered PTSD and severe manic depression for years. I sometimes wonder how much sooner I would have realized these things about myself if I had had a head start, so to speak, if in my teens I had been a well rounded/healthy person instead of the mess I was until my early 20s.
 
NRE is over and I have to say it feels kind of weird. We've settled into a nice routine and everyone seems comfortable. Nate had a table and sold some of his prints at the star trek convention this weekend and he met a couple ladies, he's pretty psyched about that. One in particular he really likes and she wants more of a casual relationship so sounds like they are ideal for each other.
 
Now that the NRE is long gone, I have taken some time to reassess things. I feel terrible because in getting caught up in the romance, I made some promises I can't possibly keep. I told Sam that I wanted his baby. I imagined what our child would look like and even had the perfect names. When I made the offer I hadn't realized how important having a family is to Sam. The offer was a huge part of why he fell in love with me. Then reality set in. Having a baby at almost 40 just isn't something I think my body could handle, and the exponential risk of downs is just too great to risk it. I had 2 wonderful unassisted homebirths and the idea that I would have to transfer to a hospital due to my advanced age terrifies me. If we had met 10 years ago this would have been another story. I would have made it work, despite the potential drama with Nate and the unorthodox living situation.

I offered to let Sam go. He wants a family so badly and I felt guilty for not being able to give him that after I made him fall for me with promises. I gave him the option to just part ways, no hard feelings, since I cant give him what he needs. I just don't want things to fizzle out later and he realize he wasted time with me that he could have spent finding "the one." It sounds to me like he's wasted enough time with what he calls "dead ends." I just feel like another dead end to him.

The other option would be he finds a poly woman to be a coprimary. But honestly, in the long run, I don't know if living with another woman is something I could do. I'm not sure where that would leave Sam and me. I think if he had someone living with him full time and me only part time, despite having my own room, I would feel like an intruder in my own home.

Originally we had planned to handfast this fall, but I decided it would be wiser to wait until the springtime. I feel like that gives Sam more time to decide if he really wants to be with me for the long run at that point.

Things with Nate are going good. Now that the NRE with Sam has worn off, my affection for him has returned. Its crazy how NRE affected me so strongly that I was questioning my relationship with him and how unhappy I felt toward him during that time. We've always been so happy and in love. I cant believe I was so crazy! Nate has a few new ladies to flirt with, so he's very happy about that. He has a date Thursday with this new lady that he met at a convention. I'm really happy to see him smile again; things seemed really dire there for awhile. We are taking the kids on a little mini vacation to KC next weekend and I'm looking forward to that :)
 
Sam and I had a really good talk today and are in a much better place. I think the compromise of him having a girlfriend that he can live with and have a kid with is a good one. In my mind, I was terrified that he would find someone that would just tolerate me to be with him and see me as a threat and someone they have to just deal with, but I realized that it doesn't have to be that way. It could be that she and I are really good friends and that i wouldn't be seen as an intruder, but more as a part of the family. I am good friends with Nate's ex girlfriend so i don't see why that couldn't happen. Thinking about it that way makes me feel so much better about not being able to meet those needs for him.
 
Another thing I realized is that with every relationship I've had, after NRE wears off I go onto another phase of self-sabotaging relationships. I think recognizing this will help me stay focused on reality.
 
Thank you

Hey,

Thank you for your detailed post. It was very honest and illuminating.

It was interesting to read through it all and see how you've developed. Thanks for sharing.
 
Sam and I are in a good place. I'm glad we moved over that hump. It shows how dedicated we are to each other.

Nate and I had some squabbling last weekend. Just silly stuff mostly. I think partly because it's that time of the month and partly because he was being defensive about Jo. We were going on a date and I asked him in my roundabout way to change his clothes. Instead of expressing my desire for it to feel more special, I said, "You wouldn't dress like that on a date with Jo." Well, it was on. We didn't go on our date, we didn't go to the party Saturday. And even our date on Sunday didn't make him feel better. It wasn't until a long heart to heart Monday that he felt better. I think it was a good lesson to say what I mean and just not talk about Jo in general.

I went to the party with Sam instead. I was really looking forward to it and I wasn't going to be punished because Nate was angry with me. I encouraged him to go multiple times but he refused He's not too happy I went and he missed out, but i feel like if he really wanted to go he should have. Sam got to meet some more of the people I associate with. Although these are all poly people and into fet so seeing me be cuddly with other men made him uncomfortable. I didn't even think about how that could make him uncomfortable, because to me it was platonic. And besides, my friend was kissing my neck but I very promptly put a stop to that. It made me realize that I have to be more aware of how being with someone who is monogamous is very different than being with a poly person. I will take care how physical I get with others.
 
I feel like I can't plan for the future with things being up in the air with Sam. I got with a monogamous man because quite honestly I don't want to deal with a metamour. Now my monogamous man wants a wife and child and I wonder where that will leave me. What if she wants to be a stay at home mom and he has to move in with her? What's the point of starting a home with him when he very well might abandon it later? Neither one of us can afford to maintain a second residence. Where would that leave us? I wouldn't want to go to her house to have my overnight any more than he would want overnights with Nate at my house.

When she's pregnant or has a newborn and doesn't have time for overnights with me, how am I supposed to deal with essentially being a secondary? I don't want to be a secondary. I don't want to lose my 2 nights with him.

So I'm just going to try to give up control and just enjoy what we have now since I'm not guaranteed a future. I just feel like a place holder until he finds the woman he can have a baby with. I feel devastated that I'm not going to get to have the future with him I thought we'd have. :(
 
All is well once more. Sam and I had a really long conversation and a huge reason he wanted to eventually seek another wife to start a family with is he'd pierced things I've said and created a theory of sorts. He thought me slowing down or saying being polyfidelitous was different was me pulling back. He assured me that as long as I can continue to show him i care and treat him as a primary, he would not feel the desire to find another. Just taking that off the table makes me feel secure enough to feel like we have a definite future.

I had a really shitty childhood. I never had stability growing up. It's extremely important to me to have that now. I think that's why I deal in absolutes and feel incredibly uncomfortable leaving things up in the air. I'd much rather have plans and deal with changes as they come. I'm glad that we've gotten over this rough patch. I'd like to say it will be smooth sailing here on out, but who knows?

Nate and I are doing well. He's going out with Jo tonight. He said that she talks very relationshippy. She says on Fet that she isn't looking for a fwb or a boyfriend, but they added each other as "dating," so I guess that's what they are doing. He likes her well enough, but she's lacking some qualities that he wants in a girlfriend, so I think lover is probably the label that would best describe their dynamic.
 
Not much to report here, all things are good on the homefront. Been getting to spend some extra time with Sam while Nate is in a medical study every weekend has been lovely. I think the fact that I'm not going on and on about Sam like I did when I had NRE is making Nate feel better and he's not feeling insecure about being replaced. Things with Jo have seemed to fizzle out, but Nate is very patient.
 
Well, the adventures of the time share wife have come to a close. Sam and I broke up tonight. Today was particularly hard because of the way Nate was treating me in regard to his time with Jo.

1. I work every Friday normally, but found out today that I had Friday off this week. So I told Nate that I wanted to go to the amusement park with the kids that day, since normally if we go it would be after 2 when I get out of class and that leaves less time there. He would also be going into a medical study that day, so going during the weekend is out until mid-next month. Nate said no because he had been thinking about asking Jo if she needed help moving. I wasn't happy about, that but I figure that since she doesn't have a whole lot of friends and doesn't have a car, it would be selfish of me to deny her the help. I asked Nate if he could go with her in the early morning then leave with me and the kids later. He said no, and wouldn't tell me why. So, I decided that Sam and I would go instead.

2. I found out that on Thursday Nate would be going to drink and draw. It starts around 6 pm so i requested that he come home when I got off at 11pm. Normally I wouldnt, but i wouldnt be getting to see him until Sunday evening otherwise. He said no. So i offered to go there after work, but he told me Jo would be there. At first I was disappointed, but then I decided what the hell, we all hang in the same social circle, so she had better get use to seeing me at these social functions. He was all "Let me ask Jo if she would be comfortable with that." I was pretty furious about that and i had to go sit in the car for awhile. I guess I felt like if that was the case then I wont ever get to go anywhere because it seems she will always be there and if I cant even go to this event, an event ive been to multiple times before, then how/when will i be able to go?

3. My son who is 9 hit our 4 year old in the head, on purpose. I've noticed in general he's been acting up lately. He had this huge meltdown afterward. I let him have some time alone and I told him that we would all go to the amusement park on Friday, just me and the kids.

Well, I texted Sam to tell him what happened and that I needed to cancel our plans that day, because I needed to spend some time with them. He asked me if I was going to be able to give him the time and attention that he needed as a mate and I had to confess the answer was no. We've been together nearly 5 months and we've spent so much time together, far more than most couples at this point. But ive been feeling increasingly guilty about my time away from the kids. Even though I have been doing really well balancing my time between my two mates, the quality time I spend with the kids has been suffering. Now, with my fall class schedule (16 credits) set and my full time work, I just dont see where I would have the time for him.

Also there is the matter of Jo. She seems like eventually she would want to move into a coprimary status. I honestly dont see how that would work, with the limited time Nate and I have as it is to divvy it up with someone else. I feel like a poly fraud. I've always enjoyed being with a mono or polysexual person because I didn't have to share them with anyone else. the idea that Nate could be spending a lot of time with someone else terrified me. I felt like a hypocrite telling him that I could have another primary partner but he couldn't.

Because of those reasons I didnt fight for Sam. I didn't beg him to stay with me. All the plans for our future are gone now. there just isnt enough time in the world for us and he deserves to be with someone who can give him much more than I can. I know he wants a family and now that is something he can pursue. Id like to think that I left him in a better place than I found him and wish him all the luck. he's already deleted me from Fet and Facebook. I can understand why, but it still stings a little. he always did tell me that if we didnt work out he would reduce me to zero. I guess he wasnt lying.
 
I didnt get much sleep last night, by 5 AM i finally was able to fall asleep after taking a sleeping pill but I had to wake up at 8 to finish homework and study for a test. i managed to drag myself to class and do what I needed to do but i felt so shaky and tired that I had to call in for work. I sat in my car in the parking lot and began sobbing. I called Sam and asked him if he wanted to see me, I needed some closure and I guess he did too because he asked me to come.

We lay there and kissed and cuddled for a couple hours, we cried and talked. We listed to "the scientist" by cold play because it just seemed appopriate. every time i hear that song now I will think of us crying in each others arms and making love one final time. afterwards he walked me to my car where we embraced and shared a passionate kiss before he watched me drive away from him and out of his life.

it was so bitter sweet. I needed this though. I try to be brave, pretend that I dont really love him, but the truth is he's the love of my life, my twin flame. No one will ever love me as much as he does and I have never been treated as well by anyone. I'll miss him so much, these past 5 months have felt like years and he's become one of my bestest friends. I'll miss everything about him and am sad that I just cant split myself in two and live by his side the rest of my life.
 
Well lets erase the last couple days. Sam and I had a heart to heart and he's taken me back. Ive been scared and selfish in both my relationships and I recognise that I can't put limitations on my partners. Nate will continue seeing Jo and Sam is welcome to find another partner who can give him a family. I'm going to try so hard to work through my fears and control issues
 
Here in India, we say if you love someone, set them free, if they come back, then they are yours, but if not, then they weren't yours. You cant force someone to love you. There is someone for us and that's for sure that get our partner just listen to ur heart.
 
I think his issue was that he felt that when I said I couldnt spend as much time with him, that meant that he was being put in a secondary position. I will admit that when he broke things off I was a bit relieved, because this is just so complicated, and dealing with him having another partner and Nate having another partner seemed like too much emotional work for me. In my ideal universe, I would get both all to myself and not have to share them. But I know that isnt fair. i thought if i could just live a monogamous lifestyle i could be happier, but i know that isnt the case.

i told Sam that I accept that he needs to have a full time partner, and if that means he meets someone and moves them into our home, then I will learn to deal with it.

Nate will continue to pursue Jo. Even though he doesnt really seem to like her personality, I accept that he is going to see whomever he chooses, and when and who really isnt up to me. I have a lot of emotional work ahead of me, that's for sure. I think the best approach is for me to excuse myself from that whole social circle, since she's infiltrated it. I dont want to be around her. The times I've seen her I already know I dont care for her type of personality, and honestly, i don't want to appear to be catty or uncomfortable being affectionate with Nate as I normally would around her. So the best thing is for me to just stay away in general.

Spending more time with my kids is something I have to work on. I will make sure that my time at home is quality time, not just vegging out in front of Netflix. More outings as a family. When I do see Sam, I will take them with me a fair amount of the time. Once he moves into a 2 bedroom i will be able to set them up with a bedroom there too.

Between work, school, my two loves and the kids, I will somehow manage it all. It's only for a couple more years. We will somehow make it work.
 
look in any plce where u feel uncomfortable or feel bad when ur partner is with some one and if u keep on missing him and watch him loving other gonna make u insane as u r gonna die without him and u can get totally obsessed of him. I think to remain away from such situation get away from any such uncomfortable situation concentreat in ur work, study or read advanture novels watch movies which fill u with adrenaline and get out in air go to pub disco and love ur partner who is with u love him as its your laet night with him, enjoy ur life and dont think of any thing of that make u miss him. just live ur life dont leave ur life, and after some days u'll feel that u love ur partne who is with u, u love ur life and u love ur self..
 
I talked with Nate today about some boundaries that I need. I let him know that first that I wouldnt be hanging out with our friends anymore, since she lives with one of them now, and will most likely be at all the social gatherings and game nights.

I also told him that no one gets dibs on activities, so if he and i wanted to do something together, as a first experience, but he and she do it first, I wouldn't get upset about it. The same goes both ways. I don't want to feel like Sam and i have to wait until Nate and i do something. (Nate is refusing to go to a particular attraction with me now because Sam and I did it already.) The same goes for movies; in the past, I've made plans to see a movie with Nate and asked him not to see it with anyone else. But now I realize that seems unfair.

I also said that i dont want to hear the details of his dates with Jo. If they go out together, fine. I'll know that, but i don't need to know what they did with their time.

Things he's said to me:

"It has nothing to do with our actual problems, but I'm starting to realize there is nothing i can do about those, so i will play along.

I also said you don't care about my thoughts and feelings, but you don't seem concerned with fixing that. i don't want to hear about your ideas on how to fix things anymore. You can do them without telling me because you probably wont do them anyway.

You telling me these things is just another method of control, because you do not come up with them to control your own behavior.

I don't know how else to put this, but this frantic behavior from you is making me feel more distant from you. You obviously have no idea who I am if you are at all worried about these things. And the fact that you want to talk about it to death while accepting none of my input, other than to build a case against me, is exhausting.

You're making problems, not fixing them. If you are going to do them, don't tell me about them.

So to make me happy, you are going to give me what you want, not what i want, i.e., keep secrets from each other, like you kept from your ex. You think my idea of happy is to make sure you're never sad. Isn't it more likely that this is a childish attempt to protect yourself and has nothing to do with my feelings? You think telling me will make you accountable, when you never listen to my opinion and usually don't let me speak. The actual problem is you don't trust or respect me.

I'm not having anymore of this circular argument with you. It sounds like having a real relationship is too painful for you to deal with, so just do what you think is best and we will see how it works."

Pretty much any time i ask for anything, and it turns into a discussion, he comes up with this idea that we have all these problems, problems i am unaware of, problems he will not tell me about. I've specifically asked him multiple times to email a list, but the thing is, he can't really think of any, other than saying I don't trust or respect him. i don't understand what that means and he can't tell me.

For instance, the fact that he refuses to go to that attraction with me because, "Now it's ruined," well, that just shows me that i will be punished for telling him things. When he told me the other night that he doesnt care about my feelings, and that im not allowed to go to the group function unless she says I can, shows me that he doesn't care about my feelings and i cant trust him not to hurt me.

He says I lash out at him. Me "lashing out" is using a tone he doesn't like. I'm not allowed to confront him, because he just shuts down and acts like an abused dog. He wont actually talk to me and work on resolution. He argues until i get tired and just back down because it's not going anywhere. He doesn't hear my words and all he does is speak in riddles.

The other night he could have told me that them going to drink and draw was actually a date. He could have told me him offering to help her move was a gesture to get to know her better and win some points. But he didnt tell me what his motives were and I'm not a mind reader. I took it as he didnt want to spend any time with me and that i wouldn't get to see him at all from Thursday morning until Sunday evening. I always make sure that i spend time with him every day, even if it's only for a couple hours.

So, in the end, I conceded that he can just do whatever he wants, because continuing to argue about it wasn't going to help anything at all. it was the same old discussion where he says i don't respect him and that i keep saying the same thing over and over again. Well, that's because he doesnt listen to the words i'm saying. He doesnt care that i need these boundaries if I'm going to be ok with him seeing her. He doesnt want me to "lash out" at him? then i'll take away the conflict in the first place. The funny thing about all this is that he seems very lukewarm about her and he's only fighting on principle.

So, this is why i just avoid conflict at all. This is why i put up with everything i do-- because it doesn't do any freaking good, ever.
 
ravi said:
look in any plce where u feel uncomfortable or feel bad when ur partner is with some one and if u keep on missing him and watch him loving other gonna make u insane as u r gonna die without him and u can get totally obsessed of him. I think to remain away from such situation get away from any such uncomfortable situation concentreat in ur work, study or read advanture novels watch movies which fill u with adrenaline and get out in air go to pub disco and love ur partner who is with u love him as its your laet night with him, enjoy ur life and dont think of any thing of that make u miss him. just live ur life dont leave ur life, and after some days u'll feel that u love ur partne who is with u, u love ur life and u love ur self..
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I'm not that worried about Sam finding another partner. I know he loves me and that he will be fair. My main concern with that was sharing a home with another female. I'm very alpha, and someone that he got with would need to be more submissive for me to get along with her.

I'm not worried about Nate. I dont think he's actually capable of loving someone else. I know he's told me he loves me more than the others, but i dont even think he's actually in love with me. I think I'm the closest he's ever gotten to it, though. There is something about him that makes it hard for him to actually feel things. He's very analytical about stuff. Mostly he wants this girlfriend because he likes her, and she doesnt want to feel like a friend with benefits, so he has to wear a boyfriend hat with her. He would need to have sleepovers.

He thinks because i can have sleepovers, that he can as well. In the beginning, we were only having FWBs, but I quickly realized that wasn't something i was interested in and wasn't capable of. I thought it fair for me to have one partner while he had many. But he didnt see it that way. The funny thing is, he much rather I have 1 partner than many, the way he does. After Sam broke things off, I told Nate that i was just going to do what he was doing, and he wasn't very thrilled with that idea.

Of course he can have sleepovers with Jo. But if she tells him that he cant have other partners, I'm not sure how that will sit with him. He's used to being able to have sex with whomever whenever. Being told that he has to be in a polyfidelitous relationship might be a dealbreaker.
 
I'm feeling much better today. Nate started texting me at 5AM this morning. The conversation went a lot better. Basically he said that he's hurt that i would think that he would ever date someone that would treat me unfairly, and that even feeling scared of that is insulting. Honestly, I cant help how i feel. i am going to have fears, i am going to have concerns. Whether or not they are unfounded doesnt matter. I cant control my feelings.

I still maintain that it would be best to keep my distance. I have no desire to be around her, and if that means avoiding social gatherings she will attend, then so be it. My friend told me that it wasnt healthy to not have a rapport with my metamour, and it won't foster a good relationship for Nate and her, but I disagree.
 
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