Tales from the Time Share Wife

Sam moving in was a potential consideration I had mused. I know some people who have done this successfully. Maybe Nate would eventually be comfortable with Sam around, but Sam honestly prefers maintaining his own home. So while it might make things convenient for me and be fiscally beneficial for all of us, it's not something either guy wants anytime in the near future. Who knows what could happen in our golden years?

I've been dabbling in polyamory for 20 years and I know I own no one and people can't control their emotions. It's all well and good to say I have been with Sam first, but if he meets someone he feels strongly for, and wants to leave me, there isn't anything I can do. All I can do is love him, never take advantage of him, and hope that this is enough for him to sacrifice the traditional life he thought he was going to have. He spent 7 years married to his first love, a very traditional marriage that unfortunately went sour. He knows that traditional isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

He's been lonely. We've only been spending 1 night a week together since he's been working two jobs. We missed each other last Tuesday because I worked overtime. But starting Sunday, things will get back to normal and he won't miss me as much.
 
I think you still need to make Sam happy no matter what. Spend 3 nights with him if you can and cut down the number of nights with hubby. I just think you will regret it after if Sam does happen to leave you. Just a thought.
 
I sleep 2 nights a week at work and get off work late one night a week. I pretty much spend equal time between Nate and Sam as it is, when Sam is available. I also have to consider what I want for myself. I will never regret Sam leaving me if I've done the maximum I'm willing to do. If what I'm willing to give isn't enough, I can't control that. He knew 2 nights a week is what I was willing to give.
 
Nate didn't end up seeing Deanna this week either, even though they had tentative plans for Thursday. She took the fact that he was sick as he didn't want to see her. So when he was following up with their plans, turns out she didn't have a vehicle so she could meet up with him. I'm not sure what her living situation is. I had assumed that because her husband works that they live by themselves, but she has not told me where she lives, so I'm wondering if now if she was with family and that's why she didn't want him to come pick her up. It kind of tickles me that they didn't meet up yesterday, and because the older boys are going to be home for the next two weeks, she won't be able to come to our house until next month because we're going to be going out of town for Thanksgiving and won't be able to have company over. He ended up going to see Terry for a booty call instead.
 
Happy birthday to my sweet baby girl. She turns 2! I love her so much, such an adorable sweet dolly. She was born unassisted at home in a birth tub in my kitchen and was a whopping 10 lbs 4 oz.
 
I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to let Sam go, but I can't keep him. I don't have it in me to maintain the level of commitment he needs. Now that his time at the haunted house is over, he'll be wanting his second night back, but I feel like I'd rather be home. Best now to part ways before he moves. I'll miss him. I'll miss his friendship. Sadly, he will never talk to me again after this. I just can't keep going knowing that he wants so much more than I do.
 
Woke up this morning knowing I will never talk to Sam again and it makes me sad. I wish he'd be my friend. I know it's only been 9 months, but it's been 9 months that I've talked to him daily. It's going to take some getting used to not sharing my life with him.
 
Ok, things have been worked out. He's free to seek other partners. I am as well. This takes a tremendous amount of pressure off of me to be his everything and keeps me from feeling like I'm in a cage. I'd rather have him in my life, even if that potentially puts me in a secondary position, than not have him at all.

I'll have to potentially deal with living part time with a metamour, but it's a small price to pay, I guess. I'm just not cracked up for polyfi.

Most likely what will happen is I will step down into a secondary role once he moves in with someone. So I might go over to have sex with him occasionally and date him out of the house, but that would be the extent of it. He's pretty much said that since I don't pay bills in his house that it's his place to do what he wants. So it's pretty clear to me that I won't be living with him part time. I will spend the night with him occasionally until things change.

I think this is good. I have given up on this idealistic life. I will be flexible and adapt to changes as they come around.
 
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Things seem really good for me. I think letting go and accepting that Sam might get with someone else is good. Feeling comfortable in that there isn't another baby in me and not feeling like I have to have a baby to please someone else is great and a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel comfortable in the fact that our life together isn't a monogamous lifestyle. Now I can just enjoy him without all the heaviness of a traditional relationship. He's told me that if it's "his night" and he plans on going to bed early, I am free to leave after he goes to bed. In the past I would have just stayed up until 3-4 in the morning alone. I prefer to go home where people are awake then just sitting alone all night watching tv.

There is just something about Sam that I just cant quit. The passion that we have in so intoxicating. It's like some kind of chemical reaction. I'm repulsed and attracted to him all at the same time. And the sex is always amazing. I've said it before, but I'm going to make an absolute effort to have sex with him right away when we get together. Then I will feel close to him the entire time we are together and not have to wait so long to warm up to him.
 
Yesterday started out great but ended really shitty. I went over to see Sam in the morning since our Tue night had been cancelled. It was a nice visit.

After class last night I got home and discovered Nate had left to visit Patty. Sam has been sick and recovering from his intense 6 weeks at the haunted house, so when I called him he didn't answer. I called and called and got no answer. I assumed he turned his phone down as he often does when he sleeps, so I went over to the apartment. His truck was there but he didn't answer so I assumed he must have made plans and got a ride with someone.

He messaged me later to let me know he was at a bar that his haunted house buddy works at. This isn't an issue for me except the fact that Sam agreed to invite me to stuff. He agreed that even if it's a time we wouldn't normally get together he'd invite me, because I really hate feeling left out and I want to be able to do fun stuff with him. Well, he didn't invite me. Instead of apologizing for letting it slip his mind to invite me, he just made excuses and tried to pass the blame on me.

"You gave me no notice that you were coming over to my apartment." Um, well, #1 you didn't answer your phone, #2 you said it was our apartment, and that I was welcome any time, #3 what was the point of giving me a key if you require notice? #4 you agreed months ago to let me know when you were going to be MIA. Had you honored that agreement, then this whole issue could have been avoided.

"You didn't invite me to Samhain gathering." #1 you were working, #2 you haven't asked me to invite you to stuff, #3 you agreed to invite to stuff

Then he egged me on to make him feel bad as much as I could before his phone died. He told me he couldn't take all this drama. (I didn't know asking you to honor your agreement and be considerate to my feelings was me been dramatic.)

"I don't need to tell you everywhere I'm going. I'm not going to just sit home." Well no one is asking him to, but damn, he agreed to invite me.

So there you have it. My sweet considerate boyfriend isn't. I've rescinded my request for invites and have decided that from now on I will not be hanging out with him outside the times I would normally be with him, since I can't count on him to honor his agreement.
 
Well he apologized profusely for his inability to own up to his shit. But then we started to talk again about him finding another partner and he revealed that he has interested parties already and that kind of set me off. We aren't even moved in together. I thought I would have some time to enjoy a life with him. I honestly view someone living in our home as an intruder and someone I don't want there. Ugh, I didn't get with a poly guy. I don't want to be involved with a poly guy. I won't be. We've agreed that I will continue a relationship until he meets someone who he wants a relationship with, then I'll mosey on down the line.

Just knowing that there really isn't a future alleviates my anxiety.
 
I hate posting in people's personal blogs but I read yours and I'm confused. I thought you and Sam moved away from being "exclusive" due to your feelings of being tied down and the pressure of having set time with him? But now you're saying that you don't want to be with him if he's going to be poly? I thought you were the one that wanted less of a commitment.
 
I don't mind the questions. I have to say I'm very impulsive and adaptable, so when new things arise I just say what I feel in the moment and make decisions. Then I make adjustments. I don't want less of a commitment with him, per se. I mean I want to marry him and live with him part time. The issue is I don't want to have any more kids and I didn't like the pressure he was putting on me. He said that he wants a kid. Then when i offered that he could seek a partner, I felt ok with that because that would take the pressure off me to have his kid, because it's something that he really wanted and I feel guilty about not being able to give him that.

I even briefly thought that I would be ok with being a secondary. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'm not ok losing my home with him. Chances are he's going to meet someone with kids already and need to move in with them. Where am I supposed to sleep? When I want alone time with him I will never get it, because his live-in partner and her kids would always be there. If he did get with someone else that he would have to go to their house when I'm not home. Well, he doesn't like this idea. I simply cannot share a home with a metamour. I simply have no interest interacting with a metamour. That is why I choose mono or just polysexual partners, because I don't want all that static.

Then he tells me that it's not about having a kid. It's about creating a baby with the woman he loves. Well, the woman he loves is me. I just don't understand why he would go out and try to find someone else to fall in love with, just to have a kid with. It took a few years for him to even love someone else after he divorced his wife and then he admits to me that he never had a romantic love for her. He had no idea about NRE or romantic love because he'd never experienced it with someone.

He also married a woman who didn't want kids, so he thought they would be together forever and accepted the fact that they wouldn't have a kid. I asked him about that, asked why he couldn't just be happy with just me. He said he had the security of being her husband. I guess if we were to get married, then he must feel that it's not a real marriage because for some reason that mean that he doesn't have the security of being my husband. Obviously even the security of legal marriage doesn't mean anything either, because she's not in the picture now, right?

He told me that he just doesn't want to be with me and have things go south in 10 years then he's going to be childless in his 40s. So I guess it boils down to, his biological clock is ticking, he wants a baby, and he's willing to find someone to fall in love with them, in hopes that he can have a kid. I've encouraged him to at least get a sperm count first. I would hate for him to throw our relationship away because he wants a womb. It would be ironic if he couldn't even have kids.

I don't want to seek partners, but I do want at the very least a DADT policy, because even though I don't want to have sex with anyone, and have no interest in another partnership (I had been partner-free 2.5 years before I got with Sam), I feel really caged knowing that the option is on the table.

So, in summation, he wants a live-in wife and kid (family style poly). I do not want to live with a metamour and want my home with him to be ours. I did make a concession that he could bring women into the home and have sex in the spare room, since it's a concern that he may want to screw someone who cant host. Like I said, I thought I could handle it. But I honestly though it would be years from now, if ever. Now he brought up today that he knows a couple women who might be interested. I'm definitely not ok with that timeline.

Since he's monogamous, I feel like I'm just a placeholder until his next relationship gets started. I told him I'm not going anywhere until he decides to move on. He's ok with that. I don't want him sacrificing a child for me, and quite honestly, chances are he'd eventually get divorced anyway, and hopefully if that happened we could resume things.

Just eliminating the anxiety of "what ifs" has been a relief. I don't have to think what if this or that happens. I don't need to. I'm with him until there's someone else in the picture. Then I will take my leave.
 
I will still plan on moving in. I will still plan on bringing my bed and washer and drier there. I will still decorate it. I will still spend half my time there.

I probably won't marry him though, since I don't want to make that kind of commitment to someone if they plan on leaving me.

I just plan on enjoying our time together while we have it.
 
We knew that when he went in for the haunted house job that our time together would be extremely limited. I warned him that during this time I would most likely feel very detached from him, because I need frequent contact to feel amorous with someone. I know it's weird, but that's just how I am. Since we had sex Tue and Wed I'm feeling close to him again. Now that I'm feeling close to him again that feeling of bring trapped has been diminished.

He's also been in a very dark mood lately as well, which has affected my feelings in all of this. Now that we will have 4 days together again and he can start gaining weight and getting more sleep, this all will blow over.
 
polyamorous69 said:
I think you still need to make Sam happy no matter what. Spend 3 nights with him if you can and cut down the number of nights with hubby. I just think you will regret it after if Sam does happen to leave you. Just a thought.
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No one is responsible for making other people happy!
 
Inyourendo said:
Marriage without the legal paper. A commitment ceremony, if you will. But to all who know us, we would be husband and wife, just not in the eyes of the law.
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Does Sam consider this an actual marriage, a commitment ceremony, a home where you're there only half the time, and knowing there will never be children and you're married legally to someone else? Does he feel this will give him any more certainty that this will last a lifetime? Do you intend this relationship to last the rest of your lives if you have this commitment ceremony?
 
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