Tales from the Time Share Wife

House hunting stinks. Sam wants his mom to live with him to save money, which is great. But that means the 2-bedroom place he can afford won't have a bedroom for the kids. He doesn't want to get a 3 bedroom because when she eventually gets a boyfriend and moves out he won't be able to afford it. I feel like I'm trading one situation (kids not having a room) for another (kids still not having a room). Hopefully the colorful house for $495 works out. (It has a big fenced back yard.) Otherwise a 3 bedroom townhouse for $395 might work, although tbh I hate apartments.

I really wish a house was in the budget, but Sam hasn't gotten a better job despite his bragging of past income and his ability to make more than double his income now. I tried to encourage him to start doing all these things he said he could, but then he got defensive. I fear he's become complacent with his easy bachelor life and living paycheck to paycheck. He's not really focused on saving for his future. I feel like this thing we're doing isn't going to grow beyond what we have now. I don't feel like I'm a partner to him. I feel like a visitor.
 
I decided to wash my hands of the whole situation. It doesn't make sense for me to be involved in the house-hunting process when I'm only going to be spending the night there a couple nights a week, and his mom will be living there full time. I figure someday when it's just him and me and he has the means to afford a place on his own, then that's the time that he and I can go together and look for a place. This alleviates a lot of stress for me because they are going to have to pretty much why to get in somewhere, since the rental company he's been going through most likely will not be giving him a good reference, since they've somehow decided that his apartment is in a state of disrepair, and that he's being told to leave. I don't really feel comfortable being sketchy. He thought the house we looked at was really cute. I'm not sure if he's going to be able to get into that place, considering they require a good rental reference.
 
Nate decided to get off the antidepressants. There is a $3400 medical study coming up (two 9 day stays in April) that he wants to do (will pay off most of his student loan debt) and he can't take the meds and do that. (Well, he could, since they can't test for that in his system, but because he's pathologically honest he wouldn't be able to lie about something like that.) I think he would be okay being off the meds since he's already deceased his dose down anyway.

I know I said that I wash my hands with this house situation, but I found this perfect house to rent, so I went ahead and applied for it myself since Sam now has iffy rental history. The house is 1300 sq ft. It has two large living areas, all hardwood and vinyl. It is an older home, so has a lot of charm. It has a basement, a fenced-in backyard, and is across the street from a park. Pretty much everything I would want, except being north side and not having a gas range. Not bad for $550.
 
I was trying to figure out how I went from being comfortable being around metamours and enjoying group activities, to being completely exclusive and uncomfortable. Just in late 2013 Nate was kind of seeing a couple different people in the game group. It wasn't until I started a relationship with Sam that Nate didn't even want to hear about him. It was almost like it flipped a switch. Suddenly I wasn't comfortable being around the people he was seeing.

Another part of it was usually the people he used to hook up with were people I already knew, friends of mine. But then, as he started venturing off on his own, and meeting people, it was more like it was almost expected that I was supposed to be comfortable around strangers. I remember when he was briefly seeing one girl last spring, she made me feel really uncomfortable, and wasn't friendly to me, and made sure to tell Nate I wasn't friendly to her at this big picnic. I didn't have any reason to personally engage with her and just participated in group conversations and mingling. She wasn't very personable, so of course I didn't engage her. It really wasn't a date for them. He asked if she were going, and we were going too, with our group of gaming friends.

After I realized that she was kind of rude and that I didn't like her, I was upset to learn that she would be roommates with our game friend, and I felt like I didn't want to go to game night anymore, because if I did, I'd have to see her, and she made it pretty clear she didn't like me.

That situation really burned me. That also plays a part in the whole inclusion thing. I'd like to go back to the way things use to be, where if he met someone, I could be friendly with them.
 
Once again, Nate is refusing to tell me that he loves me. I made the mistake of being excited about Sam's new place and I was telling him about it and he told me not to. I should have just walked away, but I didn't. I told him it was his refusal to even hear about Sam that has set the tone of exclusion in our relationship. He then went on to throw stuff in my face that happened months ago, such as me not wanting him to pay for dates.


He said the reason he paid for a date after I specifically told him not to, and even offered an allowance for dates if he decided it was important for him to pay for dates was because "You spend money all the time on yourself and I never spend money on myself." I told him, "Yes, I do spend money on myself, but we go to conventions all the time too."

He got upset and was saying that his artwork sales makes up for the cost of the convention. While that may sometimes be true, that doesn't factor in cost of hotel, gas, food, and supplies. I am more than happy to spend money on stuff like that. For me it's like a mini vacation and I generally have fun and I want him to be happy and I support his goals and art. I have no reason why he felt the need to throw that in my face.

He then also called me a cheater. I thought that comment was in regard to the first time Sam and I had sex, but it was really about the time I saw Sam during my self-imposed break. He assumed I had sex, but I did not. He said the fact that I lied about seeing Sam means that he can't trust me. I'm not going to justify what I did. I know that it was wrong to sneak behind Nate's back to see Sam when I said I wouldn't, and even more wrong when Nate confronted me about it and I lied. I would never cheat on him. I would never put my relationship in jeopardy.

It just freaking annoys me that we get in a little fight and he holds it against me. If I just never get upset and never have anything negative to say about his behavior, it's fine. I'm so pissed at myself to be put in this fucking position again. There are so many things I could say that I don't. So many cards I could play, but don't, because I love and respect him too much to fight dirty. It's frustrating to me that even if I'm on my best behavior I get punished.
 
Im also kind of upset that my ex-father-in-law (I was with his step son for 11 years ) had a heart attack Monday and no one told me. I didn't find out until Wed morning that he had been in the hospital and needed surgery. I know my ex and I divorced 6 years ago, but I was the one who was close to my ex's family the entire time and they consider my kids with Nate as their grandchildren. Whether or not they felt me seeing Dad was appropriate, and technically I'm no longer family, my oldest lives with me and he should have been told. My ex took our 10 year old with.

I feel sad that the only family I've had in the past 17 years is distancing themselves from me. My ex-mother-in-law asked me how I found out and I told her it was on Facebook. I didn't tell her that I was upset. I don't want to make this tragedy about me. My ex-mil is very self-centered, so nothing I say would matter anyway. I did let Dad know that I love him and I would have seen, if I knew.

Part of me wants to write off the family, and if it weren't for Dad, I would. My ex SIL once told him that my kids weren't realty his grandkids because I'm not a blood relation, but he made sure to tell her by that logic then her kids weren't either, as she's not a blood relation either.

I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that my ex sil's husband unfriended me on Facebook because I was talking about my ex on FB. (I wasn't even saying anything bad, other than he was leaving our 16 year out of stuff and how ex confronted me about Sam.) They are so freaking immature.

Thank goodness Dad is okay after a couple surgeries and was discharged this morning.
 
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Petty Childishness

Inyourendo said:
Once again Nate is refusing to tell me that he loves me. I made the mistake of being excited about Sam's new place and I was telling him about it and he told me not to. I should have just walked away, but I didn't. I told him it was his refusal to even hear about Sam that has set the tone of exclusion in our relationship. He then went on to throw stuff in my face that happened months ago, such as me not wanting him to pay for dates.
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He is acting exceptionally childish. Have you asked him to grow up and stop making drama just for the sake of arguing? If he wants the night off, he could just say that, instead of picking a fight or refusing to say the L word... This is unacceptable, imo. I would state that and demand change. He is an adult. He should be able to express himself and articulate what is going on inside his brain. Nobody I know can read minds, so he needs to put forth the effort to talk through any issues if you two are going to have a healthy polyship.
 
KarmaAuditor said:
He is acting exceptionally childish. Have you asked him to grow up and stop making drama just for the sake of arguing? If he wants the night off, he could just say that, instead of picking a fight or refusing to say the L word... This is unacceptable, imo. I would state that and demand change. He is an adult. He should be able to express himself and articulate what is going on inside his brain. Nobody I know can read minds, so he needs to put forth the effort to talk through any issues if you two are going to have a healthy polyship.
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Well, I had it in my head that if he refused to say I love you, that I wouldn't say it anymore until he started saying it again. But Sunday when I came home, he cuddled me and was all "I wub you." That made me feel good. I get being mad and not feeling particularly amorous, but even when I'm furious I still love him. and I told him this.

I get that in the heat of the moment he's not going to want to say it. But days later? When I told him how much it hurts that he holds a grudge, he was all "I'm sorry, I can't help it." I guess he can't help taking a long time to get over stuff, just like I can't help being done with a fight and moving on right afterward.

To be quite honest, it wasn't even something to get all pissy about. It's a fact. Up until he started having a problem with me having a boyfriend, I never had issues with his fuck buddies being around.
 
ah...

Sounds like it got sorted. Glad you told him how it felt. He knows now so if he keeps it up I would be worried that he is playing mind games. I dislike being messed with when it comes to emotions.
 
Sam is pretty much all moved into the new place. He and I got my old queen bed out of my garage. I haven't been able to use it for 3 years. Since Nate and I co-sleep with the girls, we need a king.

Sam also picked up a Chow puppy today and took him to work to show him off. He's so sweet and cute. He looks like a little teddy bear. He's the best of the litter. Turns out the lady selling him had been holding him for a guy, but the guy never showed.
 
I was thinking about the commitment ceremony, how Sam wanted one and why I was apprehensive to do it. I think I figured it out. I never had a wedding. I had two civil ceremonies that I didn't even dress up for (for legal purposes ). I'm not interested in a ceremony or wedding. Not interested in making vows in front of witnesses, not interested in parties in my honor, or being the center of attention. So while I care for Sam, I can't bring myself to do it. He asked me if I'm committed to him, and I said yes. He said that was good enough for him. I feel so relieved that he doesn't need titles. I can't imagine being with a partner that wanted a wedding. That would be so awful for me.
 
I decided instead of breaking my overnights with Sam into two stays that it would be better to stay Saturday afternoon to Monday afternoon. This gives Nate a better opportunity to be more productive with his art and it also makes me feel like less of a visitor.

Sam's niece spent the night and she and my girls got along really well. She's pretty sweet. She told me she likes me and that I'm really nice (and apparently a sucker for flattery lol). She got wind that I have a trampoline at home and wants to come visit us there. :p
 
Nate hit the dirty 30 this weekend.

It's crazy that in the 6 years we've been together he's had sex with 23 other women.

My boundary of not having others in my home has softened a bit because Layla hasn't had sex in 3 years. She lives with her mom out of town and Nate is too frugal to pay for a hotel room. He met her 6 years ago when they worked at the same call center and they've been Facebook chatting ever since.

I've been taking 5 mg of Celexa the past few weeks and it's made me feel pretty apathetic toward most things, which is good because I tend to react strongly to things and feel emotions so strongly.

I've been feeling productive lately. I've been finding yard stuff for free. Nate just installed a koi pond. I'll be building a deck soon with free materials when Nate goes into a medical study. He was disqualified from this $3400 one, but he's trying to now get into a $2100.
 
I found out that Nate is talking to Deanna again. I guess she texted him from a new number. She asked him out. I could have been petty and reiterated that he's not to bring her to our home, but I decided that our relationship has been really good lately and I'd like to continue that. When Sam was helping me drop off lumber at my house and deliver my new super awesome foam mattress, Nate helped and talked to Sam. He's making an effort and so will I. I want to put all the past mistakes behind us. Continuing to punish him for treating me poorly isn't the answer. I feel like I'm in a better place now emotionally.
 
I came home early from Sam's house. It's pretty clear that his mom runs the show around there. I wasn't feeling it today, and he was going to be going out for a few hours, so I figured I would pack up and come home, since I was already feeling restless there. I've been working so many hours and being gone. I just felt like I needed to be in my own space.

I came home to discover that Nate was going to the movies with Deanna and her friends. I'm not surprised that he didnt waste any time going out with her. I feel so weird about it, like there is this empty place inside me where anger should be. He ended up taking my 16-year old along, since it's not a 1 on 1 date. Then later he and I are going to go to drink and draw. He was awfully sweet to me before he left. I don't feel jealous at all, but I feel like I should be, if that makes any sense.

His approach of treating me with kindness instead of acting defensive and like an asshole makes a huge difference to me.
 
So I decided that going two days straight was just too much, so I'm going back to Saturday and Tuesday nights again. This also allows Nate and me to go on activities. (Like we went to drink and draw last night.) Nate and I decided the kids can't go to Sam's anymore because Sam's mom started smoking in her room, even though she agreed to the condition that smoking in the house would be prohibited when he approached her about the the roommate situation. She feels because she pays to live there she has the right to smoke in her bedroom. At first it didn't seem like a big deal, but I can smell it in the rest of the house. She's also started smoking with her bedroom door open, and it's escalated to the point where she walks through with a lit cigarette. It's completely disrespectful to the 6 non-smokers in the house. A complete slap in the face that she agreed to only smoke outside and now Sam is stuck in a house he can't afford on his own until his is lease is up next April.

I was looking at the CDC website and they say even living in a multi-family unit exposes you to secondhand smoke. So even if she was smoking out her window, the rest of the house is being exposed. So the plan is I will take the kids out to do activities so Nate can have his alone time, and then late at night I will go spend the night with Sam. Next year when Sam moves into his own place, I'll start taking the kids there again. Funny he moved into a house so the kids would have their own room, and they can't even go there. :(
 
So Sam's mother texted him to let me know that she wouldn't be smoking in her room when I'm there because she won't be there when I am. But if she is, she won't. I requested that she always keep her bedroom door shut and to not smoke for a few hours in her room before we arrive. Still not ideal, but it's a little compromise, at least. Sam informed me that she plans on moving when she has the resources, so this is just a temp situation.
 
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