Telling adult children

R

rkfb

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I need some advice. My husband and I are in a duel marriage I guess that's the right word for it. We share our life's with another married couple. We consider our self married to each other. We have been together for 4 years and are planning on selling our houses and moving in together. My husband and I children are younger 6 and 11. I come from a very open family where my parent have been singers for 20+ years. From the being of our relationship I have never keep it from my children I let them see us being loving towards each other so now 4 years later my children think nothing of it they love our other husband/wife. Here is were I need help. Our other husband/wife are older then we are and have grown kids 20 and 24. Their daughter knows and loves us. She came out and asked one day as she seen the signs. Their son does not know and they still have not told him. This upsets my husband and I. I hate lies and feel like maybe they are ashamed of the life they chose. They say that is not it. They said that with their son he will withdraw and will not talk to them. If we are going to move in together they are going to have to tell him. I feel hurt that after 4 years they haven't opened up to him. It's very uncomfortable when he comes over to visit when we are at their house because we have to act like we are just friends. I have address this several times but get nowhere. I know maybe it is easier for Me since I was raised in an open family and I told all my family. I know it can be hard to open up to family. What should I do? Should I be understanding? It's just it's really starting to bother me
 
While, I sympathize with the awkwardness when your partners' son is around, I don't think you should take it as a sign that your partners' hesitance to tell him should be taken as a sign of shame. Of course they love their son as much as you love your children. They fear his reaction. And what if they are right, and he totally can't cope,withdraws, won't speak to them, and they are heartbroken? How is that scenario going to benefit your cause?

When I have been in poly relationships, there were people I didn't share with - employers and coworkers for example - because I didn't want to endanger my good standing with them, not out of shame. Unaccepting reactions do occur, and while it would be bad with an employer, I'd say it would be especially emotional with an unaccepting child.

I suspect you are correct, he will probably figure it out when you all move into together. Maybe they will be strong enough to cope with it if the worst should happen.
 
And maybe instead of feeling hurt that they haven't told him, instead you should appreciate how much they love you to have pursued this quad marriage with you all the while knowing their relationship with their son may be jeopardized by it.
 
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What is your desired outcome? I do not get a clear sense of that so it is hard to give feedback. I am sorry you struggle though.

Could focussing on what you do have rather than what you do not have at this time help any?

How many first degree relatives it is to tell?The parents of each partner is 8, you got the 4 kids of varying ages. 1 not knowing (the son) is 1 out of 12. So you are 91% "out" at this time 4 years in? I think that is pretty good. If this were school that would be a "A."

Given that you are moving in together, I think it will sort itself out over time. Let them deal with their son. It does not mean they value you less because that relationship is not on the fast track for "out -ness."

Could you need that expressed out loud? That you are valued, that people see this is hard for you and that your patience and understanding is appreciated?

Galagirl
 
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Thank you all for your answers. I guess because I come from a family that is very open that I do need to be patient with them. I don't want them to have a bad relationship with their son. I guess it's not really him not knowing it's the very uncomfortable awkwardness when he is around that bothers me and maybe that's what I need to address with my partner.
 
it's the very uncomfortable awkwardness when he is around that bothers me
Click to expand...

Working from the inside out are you able to articulate...

  • what thinking behavior you do that leads to awkward feelings?
  • what action behavior you do that leads to awkward feelings?

  • what thinking/spoken behaviors you know/observe in partners that leads to awkward feelings?
  • what action behaviors you observe in partners that leads to awkward feelings?

  • what thinking/spoken behavior you know/observe in the son that leads to awkward feelings?
  • what action behaviors you observe in the son that leads to awkward feelings?

What would you like to do to help minimize awkward moments? "Reducing" could be a start.

What would you like to do to help handle an awkward moment when it does happen? That could be part 2 of your coping strategy.

Hang in there,

Galagirl
 
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