the official ex and her ghost

Spiritowl

New member
Sorry for the dramatic title... but it seems dramatic at times.
Both my lover and I are very emotional creatures. It's part of why we have such deep relationship even tho we live apart. Both being married and living with our spouses. I think if we were married to each other we may explode lol.

That said I've mentioned his 'ex' in previous posts. They had been on and off for 16 years. She attached herself at a young age. Her jealousy became so huge she threatened him about him even sleeping with his own wife.

So the past few months she has been slowly letting go. He wanted so badly to keep her as a friend since in that way he truly enjoyed her company.

She just could not adjust. She could not have the open and honest relationship he needed or the option of just friendship. So now they do not sppesk at all.

It's been a few weeks and yesterday after our day together he began talking about missing her and began to cry. Not unusual for him...

But it is very difficult for me to try and help. When he and I began our relationship she was already so far into this control issue that he was in depression with her. To the point of stress sleeping and at one point a thought of suicide. He gives me some credit for opening his eyes to her games and intentions. He is happy with me and content with his wife. But there is something about that woman that he misses.

He began describing her... mentioning traits I never even saw in her. All I saw was the pain she caused and the rift she caused between he and many friends so she could get her way.

Perhaps she used to be that good friend and I just wasn't there to see it before she changed.

I realize it hasn't been long and it is a kind of grief. But I am at a loss as to how to help.

We practice radical honesty together. He says just listening is enough. Maybe it is. Time will tell.

But has anyone else dealt with this 'ex greif' type situation? And any advice that would help?
 
sort of....my boyfriend is going through a bad and separated time with his wife. I think all you can do is listen...and tell him to stop if it is hurting your relatuionship. I hear where you are coming from...BF's wife supposedly has good things to offer, but ive never seen them. its been two years of hurt and pain. hang in there
 
welcome :) I hope your relationship is staying strong. Im at the end of the rope with mine, because he wont leave and I don't know if she will and its all kinda toxic. I think youre guy needs to let the past be the past
 
Obviously I agree lol! I think she was once a great friend to him and he does miss that. We will see if time and listening can heal it.

As for wives, whew! His wife is a doozy herself but he seems to handle it well and can cope and stay positive.

Life is full of adjustments.
 
. . . he began talking about missing her and began to cry . . . it is very difficult for me to try and help . . . I am at a loss as to how to help . . . He says just listening is enough.

What makes you think that a person expressing their feelings needs "help?"

It can often be a hindrance to someone who needs to experience certain emotions and pay attention to their inner process when someone interferes with some form of "there, there" in an attempt to comfort them. Then they never really get to fully ride through the waves that rise up in them - this is especially true with grief. Even physical touch, such as an arm around the person or a gentle pat, can short-circuit the flow of energy (emotion = energy in motion) that needs to move through them, and that results in feelings being bottled up and "stuck."

It's also sort of an insult to intervene with some sort of "help" to "make it better" if a person hasn't asked for that. He's told you that listening is all he wants. That is "help" if you need to think of it that way, so respect his wishes, sit back, and lend an ear.
 
That seems very helpful. I have always had a compulsion to fix or help things. It's just hard for.me to sit and not try to answer it all. I will try to just be availible.
I appreciate all the helpful words.
 
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