The slow regaurd of silent things

It sounds like things went well with Lumberjack and the swinger couple. A non sex date is a nice way to get a feeling of attraction before actually jumping in the sack! I hardly ever have sex on a first date. It gives the impression that sex, even a one off, is all I want. And I don't want that. I want a relationship!

My personal search for someone goes with great slowness. It is not that I need to meet anyone right away. I am just picky about what I want. All great things take time. I have started talking to one of my ex's. I am not sure where this one stands though because she is happily married to someone. To further complicate matters. We were dating during her one and only separation with her now husband. I am comfortable with a platonic relationship with her and she does not know that I am poly. I just need to have the talk with her about my relationship. I have been hesitating on telling her for several reasons. I do not want to put pressure on her to define something she may not even be sure about. Nor do I want the platonic relationship to end. With all that being said I am not against the idea of something more than friendship with her. I don't want her to cheat on her husband or lie to him about me. That feels very wrong. I want to do the right thing. For all parties involved. I feel as if this is what she has been doing thus far. In a perfect world she could just talk to her husband and get the okay. But that really just doesn't happen. I also highly doubt they are closet poly.

In poly, we talk about a "messy person" list. Your ex sounds messy. I don't see why you'd want to get into something sexual with her, since she's married. Also, she is very very busy. Doing polyamory takes free time! I can't date people who are too busy. My last sorta bf was a newlywed, he had partial custody of his 3 kids from his former marriage, he had a full time job and sometimes a 2nd job, and his new wife has 2 kids with partial custody, and a full time job of her own. Plus he has hobbies in sports. He still seemed to want to make time for me. But then his wife got accidentally pregnant! I told him, no, I do not want you to make time for me. You're needed at home. Good grief!

What I really want to do is sit down with her in person over coffee and explain all of this. Buuut she has three jobs, a husband, and two kids. How can I ask her to put me on her schedule when she has so much going on. Plus if her husband doesn't know yet wouldn't that further complicate things?

Messy. Keep it platonic.

On my end I have been 100% open and honest with Bunny about all of this. I am left with a hot mix of emotions about all of this. Bunny is not exactly on board with this relationship. Which makes me hesitate even more.

On a side note I have chatted with a few men so far. They are so cute and I have no idea what to say to any of them. I am still going at turtle speed on this subject.

There's no rush. You're doing fine with Bunny and her Lumberjack and what may happen with the couple. It sounds like plenty on your plate for starters. Poly newbies sometimes get "kid in a candy store" syndrome. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should, or have to, eat it all.
 
A sad day

So first things first! We still haven't gone out with our couple for the actual sex date. Bunny is still bleeding. I have to say that this has caused for some choppy waters for us. While sex isn't the most important thing to me it just has been tough lately.

So secondly, lets talk about my ex. So we didn't actually talk for a few days. During this time I really got to thinking about what I want from her and I came to realize a few things. First being, just because I can doesn't mean I should. The second thing that I came to understand is that I don't want someone who would come to me through cheating. Nor is it okay for me to talk to someone who is purely mono. I don't want someone who can't commit to me in an open and honest way.

So now to the heart of my turmoil. So I started looking on OkCupid and I found someone. So we started chatting and hit it off right away. I started talking to her from when I woke up to when I went to sleep. She was kind and sexy. She thought I was very attractive and she also really liked me. So I told her I wanted to meet her and she said she would be willing to drive to see me. I was so HAPPY! So yesterday she starts talking to me about deal breakers. She starts acting rather strange and tells me that she has something that she needs to tell me. I thought she might be catfishing me or something. I told her I wasn't going to be scared away and she could be open and honest with me.

She has hsv2.

I had no idea what she meant and I thought honestly she made a typo when she texted me. So I did my research. So yeah, this was a deal breaker for me. Which kind of devastated me. So me being the person I am, I could not just ghost her. So I had to tell her. This was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. My feelings didn't just vanish once she told me and neither did hers. She confessed that she was given it by her primary partner, which terrifies me. She cried at her station at work and that hurt. a lot. I told her that she had to keep her head up and keep looking. I told her that her honesty was so beautiful. So the least I could do was do the same for her.

When I started this whole Poly journey I thought that I could love anyone and everyone with out fail. The more I continue down this path the more it seems to complicate. The harder it feels to feel the same way as when I started. It just is so hard to put myself out there and meet with failure. I am not going to lie to any of you. Last night I cried like a small child in Bunny's arms. I didn't cry for my heart ache or a missed opportunity for sex. I cried for a beautiful woman who was struggling in her own life. I cried for her heart and how hard things must be for her. Lastly I cried because I was excited to go on a date. To throw popcorn at someone or chat over dinner and desert. To hold hands and share the inner workings of my heart.

So I want to keep trying to find a partner but this really shook me up. I never even thought about STDS like that. That just skin on skin contact could cause me to get something. And that ladies and gentlemen is terrifying.
 
How much research have you actually done on herpes 2? For most people, it really is nothing.

It only is something that we worry about because my husband is immunocompromised. For most people? It's a mild skin issue that most doctors won't even test for since most people have some version of it and don't even know.
 
I concur with that.

I'm sorry you and your prospective person came to tears over a minor skin issue. There's really only a risk of transmission when she has an actual outbreak.

But in general, dating is hard. You'll come to find that out. It's very very difficult to find just the right person to date. The fact that you spent all day talking to this woman, and then had such a hard crash, shows that you were carried away on a fluffy pink cloud of NRE, which is a hormonal state of infatuation. You will learn to expect and deal better with this feeling over time. Well, most of us do. Some people become NRE junkies. It's better to be a bit cautious and know that not every person you feel attracted to is going to work out.
 
Frustration

So today I just want to talk about the fact that I told my mother. Things did not go well. I told her that we had an open relationship and I think her exact words were " I don't like this. This will end with you feeling sorrowful and broken," so yeah. It did not go well at all. I tried explaining all the positive things it has brought into my life. I have a better sex drive, I have lost weight, been crushing it at work, and how close Bunny and I have been since. She did not get it at all. I told her that she could not tell anyone either. She did not like this either. So yeah that sucked hard.

I had a great day with Bunny today. We typically get almost every Sunday together. We spent all day talking about nothing. Got to eat breakfast together. I value our time together so much more since we polyd up. She isn't bleeding anymore so our sex date will be coming up soon! I am very excited to have this experience with Bunny. The couple is still really interested so I will keep y'all updated.

On a separate front. I have been chatting with this guy. I have been moving really slowly on this front. He is started to draw my seductive side out of me however. He sent me a picture of his Johnson. OMG. I am thoroughly intimated by his penis. I didn't get NRE right of the bat with him. But today we chatted all day long and it felt really good. He is kind and really really sweet. Things are progressing quicker than I imagined they could or would.

All in all even though things went terribly with my mom. Everything around me continues to tell me I am on the right path with all of this. I am started to change who I am. Poly isn't changing me but it was bullet that fired me down this path. I feel like I am on cloud nine at the moment. I used to have this feeling when I drank. It feels good to feel like this with no alcohol in my life. I actually haven't felt the urge to really drink in almost a month. I am not letting my guard down but the days when I don't think about it are good days.
 
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