Things are getting complex

P

polyrar

New member
There have been some recent developments over the past few weeks in my love-life that I haven’t had a chance to talk about, or hardly even had a chance to think about and process. I feel like I need to take some time to organize my thoughts before they become backed up and I begin to emotionally suffer. I've gotten a chance to talk to Hubby about it, and he's given me his input - but I'm wondering if anyone has ever made or suffered from a similar mistake, and if they have any advice on patching this up

I have become romantically and sexually involved with one of my best friends, a Miss Y, and as relieving, enjoyable, fun, and exciting as this relationship is it is also filling me with some negative emotions, and has had negative repercussions.

Backstory
Miss Y
Miss Y has been one of my best friends for over ten years. I’ll get into more details about our relationship, but to describe her: she is a free spirit to her core. A hippie, a “neo Bohemian”, a gypsy. She has spent over a year traveling across the US out of a truck, camping wherever she could and exploring the world around her. She is an experimenter – and that is one of the things that makes her attractive to me as a friend. We get into and out of trouble together, and work well together as a team. She is creative, poetic, has a dark sense of humor that balances out her loving nature. She has been in poly relationships before, and is currently dating other women.
Mr C
Miss Y’s “ex”-boyfriend, and a friend and room-mate to Hubby and I. I first met him two years ago when Miss Y first started dating him, and he did strike me as a free spirit, but as her close friend I never thought she looked as madly in love as she said she was. He is a very nice person, a good loyal friend, interesting to be around, and incredibly gracious. He is a fantastic friend, and in the month and a half that my Hubby have been here it’s been fun being around Mr C. While he’s listened to me talk about poly, and we will rage against the establishment of marriage together, he doesn’t really seem open to the idea himself and always just seems to clam up.
 
Miss Y and I met in high school. We were both homeschooled, so we’re a bit iffy on our actual grades, but she was probably just going on her junior year, and I was probably finishing up my sophomore year. We met at a local YMCA that was hosting a homeschool gym day. We hit it off immediately on her first day there, and looking back on it I can see how attracted I was to her from the get-go.

We grew up together and were best friends. She was kind of the individual that tipped me off to my pan/bisexuality – the older I got the more I realized I was having the same feelings for her as I was for a few boys around me. We both kind of started realizing things about ourselves as individuals around the same time, and were there to help each other cope and talk it out.

Back then, Miss Y and I were so shy and inexperienced that even if it did occur to us to try a romantic relationship together we didn’t want to for fear of “ruining” our friendship. (We did have an awkward make-out experience that still remains one of my favorite memories; we were about eighteen and she had stayed the night, we were woken up early by my family and once the family left the house we decided to nap together in my parents’ bed. Unable to do so, we decided – as an act of defiance – the best thing to do would be to make out in my extremely conservative Christian parents’ bed. We managed to laugh about it afterword and kept it as an inside joke.)

Miss Y and I stayed best friends even after graduation, and mostly had the same friends between us. It’s tough to believe it was seven years ago, but in 2007 a group of us – including Miss Y – lived together in an apartment over a bar. It was a cramped living-situation to say the least, including six people in what was only supposed to be a two bedroom apartment. Miss Y lived in our pantry, and we all still joke about it.

Shortly after we all moved out of that house Miss Y felt a thirst for adventure and moved out of state. I remember how heartbroken I was, knowing that I didn’t know exactly how long she would be gone. She would come to visit about once a year, and I learned to get by on that and the occasional call. I really did miss her all the time, but it evolved from a blinding soreness to a dull ache that only flared up every once in a while, when something would happen that I wanted to talk about face-to-face.

While she was gone I broke up with my old boyfriend, experimented (however briefly) with polyamoury with a couple of friends, and then began dating the man who is now Hubby.
 
Miss Y came back to live in Ohio a couple years ago. By that time Hubby and I were working on a polyamorous lifestyle together, had tried dating other people but had never gotten anyone past the “freak out over polyamoury” phase. As soon as I knew Miss Y was back in town for the foreseeable future I talked to Hubby about the possibility of myself exploring a romantic and sexual relationship with her, and he encouraged me to do so. I was “too late”, and when I approached her about it she explained that she was already in a monogamous relationship with a new boyfriend, Mr C, and happy about it.

I do remember that conversation quite vividly. I remember we were sharing a pizza at a local pizza joint, I remember that when she said that she was seeing this man, that they were mono and she was happy about it, I could see in her face that it wasn’t going to last. I was very upset and emotional about it, and had to spend a lot of time organizing my emotions and figuring out how to work with them.

That was two years ago, and at that time I had decided to lay to rest the idea of ever pursuing a sexual, romantic relationship with Miss Y.

She continued to date her boyfriend, Mr C. They did seem like very good friends, and at first she seemed attracted to him. He always seemed very attracted to her, and was very enamored with her. When their relationship started two years ago they were both infatuated with each other, and both very spontaneous people, but over the past two years Mr C has changed – not necessarily what he believes in, but how he goes about his life (this is according to Miss Y, since I didn’t know Mr C before she began dating him.) Mr C, I believe, may have gotten worn down with his old job, and has lost a lot of his momentum in life. What attracted Miss Y to Mr C initially was his spontaneity and drive, and it is absolutely gone now. I suspect that her infatuation may have run its course.

As well, Miss Y began to realize that she was discontent with their relationship because she wanted to explore her sexuality and he is uncomfortable with poly or sexually-open relationships. She began to realize how much more attracted she is to women than men, and wanted to explore that side of herself. Miss Y realized that, to use an old trope, “she may love him, but she wasn’t in love with him.” That is to say, she feels for him more like a best friend than a soulmate or life partner like she wants.

This is where things begin to get really complex.

Even six or seven months ago I had noticed that she seemed much more annoyed and irritated around Mr C, but I never really brought it up to her. Mr C offered to let Hubby and I rent one of the rooms of his house and live with him, and I remember at one point Miss Y said that she needed to talk to me about it. She told me that she was breaking up with him, and later explained to me that she told him she just wanted to take a break for six months so she could explore her sexuality.

Miss Y broke up with Mr C, but she still comes to stay with him on the weekends. She knows that they are each others’ “security blankets” and doesn’t want to give that up, but also feels held back by him because he doesn’t want to let go of the intimate relationship they had when they were dating. They still have sex occasionally.
From talking to Mr C, I can see that he may be preoccupied with the idea that he can somehow win back Miss Y or make her fall in love with him again. Whereas a couple years ago when I first met him he seemed to have a clear idea of his goals and path in life, now he just seems… Lost; which I can totally understand seeing as how he was so smitten with Miss Y, and spent so much time and energy into their relationship, only for it to not work out. As well, right around the time she broke up with him, he suffered a tragedy in the family but wasn’t able to travel out to the coast to visit them.
While I have been friends with Miss Y for far longer, Mr C is still a good person, an honest soul, and we have a lot in common. He’s renting out his house to Hubby and I, and we’re living here with him. We’ve all become close friends, and Hubby and I try to encourage him into personal growth and activity; as his friends we hate to see him hurting so much.

Mr C is aware that Miss Y is trying to date other people but doesn’t seem to actually accept it as a reality. I have heard a lot about her adventures and dates, and the new women she is meeting, Mr C wants to know very little, it seems.
 
Now… Here is where it is most complex.

I had mentioned recently to Miss Y that I would be interested in pursuing a sexual, romantic friendship, but she had initially said it would be far easier if Mr C followed a job-lead he had out of state.

A little over a week ago Hubby and Miss Y were hanging out one Friday night, and got drunk and got to talking. Hubby took some liberties, explained just how attracted I still am to Miss Y, and suggested that we should try something.

A couple days later, Mr C was out of town for a night, and after Hubby went to bed Miss Y and myself took our chance and had sex. Hubby was actually really happy for me when he found out the next morning, and it obviously made Miss Y and myself very happy.

I can’t remember if Miss Y stressed before or after, that she didn’t want to let Mr C know, and didn’t want to display affection around him. I thought that was odd, but I know that he still has really deep feelings for her – but knows that she’s dating around – but I guess I was just too excited to really care. I did ask what his reaction would be and she just said he would be really hurt and feel betrayed because I’m a close friend living in the same house.

Well, things have been going on in Miss Y’s life. There is a chance for her to travel without him, and this has been bothering Mr C; perhaps he’s just noticed a change in our interactions or figured something out. Whatever the case, he has been acting very agitated recently, and I know there are many factors.

This evening, while I was at work, Hubby and Mr C got to talking. Hubby accidentally asked if Mr C was feeling upset because of what had happened between me and Miss Y, and Mr C hadn’t even known. Hubby feels awful for letting him find out this way, and I feel even worse for not telling him that it should have been a secret. I’m honestly not that upset with him, because I should have known that something like this would happen when everyone isn’t being honest.

Even more, I’m rather upset that it has to be a secret. I can understand the feelings of attraction Mr C has to Miss Y, I can still understand his jealousy since I suffer it from time to time, but I’m only human so of course I feel frustrated, as well. I am upset at myself for not probing the situation more, and making sure I wouldn’t hurt anyone.

In a way, I’m also upset at Miss Y for not telling Mr C that it had happened, or maybe waiting until living circumstances were different so it wouldn’t be so close and raw.

I’m not angry I just feel… Lost and confused and hurt.

I practically wrote a novel that I’m going to use as a prompt to talk to Miss Y tomorrow. I asked Hubby and he said that really, talking to Mr C probably won’t do much good until after he’s talked to Miss Y about it. I have to agree – I feel like since he is obviously closer to her he probably wants to talk to her about it first, anyway.

Obviously, she and I will have to discontinue any romantic and sexual interactions until after she has worked things out with Mr C – whether that be patching up their relationship and getting it to work for them, or her breaking it off. That part really kind of hurts me deeply, because it’s something I’ve dreamed about for a long time, but being her friend – and Mr C’s friend and room-mate – I’d rather see everyone work everything out than continue to spread more pain.

I’m afraid of overstepping my bounds as a friend, just because I have invested interests due to my recent intimacy with Miss Y – I constantly second (and third, and fourth) guess myself. I’ve always “had her back”, but for some reason now I’m feeling anxious about voicing my true opinion because I’m afraid of how Mr C will perceive and translate my actions and words, and I know that since we’re all in the same house so much it will be bound to reach him eventually, as it already did.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Obviously, she and I will have to discontinue any romantic and sexual interactions until after she has worked things out with Mr C – whether that be patching up their relationship and getting it to work for them, or her breaking it off. That part really kind of hurts me deeply, because it’s something I’ve dreamed about for a long time, but being her friend – and Mr C’s friend and room-mate – I’d rather see everyone work everything out than continue to spread more pain.
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Could stick with that.

Stop everything with Y. Stop to sort out. Do not spread more pain.

Y could apologize for her part of the mess. Leave her to do that but take note how she behaves if you think you want her date her one day. But that is on her, not you. Could also set that aside.

DH could apologize to C for blurting. Could clean up his part of the mess. But that is on him, not you. Could also set that aside.

Even if neither one EVER apologizes? That does not excuse you from doing your stuff.

For now could set all (Y + C) things aside and all (DH + C) things aside and deal with the (You + C) layer of things.

You could apologize to C for sharing sex with Y in his house when you know the Y + C relationship is wonky right now. Clean up YOUR part of the mess.

You are his tenant and his friend. Going for his wonky lover in his house while he is away on his trip is less than cool. Add him grieving the family tragedy? Def not cool! :( Not cool person, not cool location, not cool time.

  • When things go afoul is it good friend behavior to apologize ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make amends? YES.
  • When things go afoul is it good friend behavior to skip it, make excuse to postpone? Nope.

It is not overstepping bounds with a friend to apologize for poor behavior. You might dread doing it, but get it done. Price of admission for not stopping to think first. Sort that stuff out.

He might forgive, or not.
He might choose to end friendship or give opportunity to make amends.
That's C's end of the stick.

You do YOURS.

One can be a free spirit without spreading pain in their wake. I get you have a long time crush and are eager to polydate but could reconsider dating her.

She complains to you that he holds her back and won't let go of intimate relationship while continuing to share intimate relationship activities with him (sex)? She's not helping him MOVE ON if she's doing that, is she? She is not letting go of intimate relating with him. If she has no interest in him/men... stop doing that. It comes off like using him for sex.

She says C will feel hurt because you are a friend and did this in his house? While not mentioning she knew this and went forward with it also? Or mention of C being hurt by HER doing this? What's that all about? Prepping for blame shifting it all on you?

Weird stuff there. Tread carefully with Y if you choose to try to date her one day. She sounds... messy and insensitive to me.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for the input, GalaGirl. Your outside perspective has definitely helped me see the situation in a different light, and helps me understand my own course of action moving forward from here.

Cutting out the romance/sexuality from my relationship with Y until she and C sort everything out is the most mature way I can think of dealing with this, as is talking to both of them individually and apologizing to C myself for my own hand in the matter.

After I thought about it last night, I do know what I will say to Y and how I, personally, think she may help remedy the situation. I know it will take working through very tough emotions to get to the proper solution for all of us, in the end.

I know that mistakes are part of life, so I'm trying not to get too angry at myself for this.
 
Glad it helped some.

Nothing wrong with anger if it helps fuel you toward doing the ethical things that need to be done in this situation in your next chosen behaviors. Nobody is perfect. Mistakes happen; people correct themselves and go do what needs doing.

You sound like you have a plan. You can do it!

GL sorting stuff out!

Galagirl
 
We kept it simple. Me, my wife, her girlfriend and her husband who stayed out of our relationship. It was basically a marriage of convenience for them.

My first fiancée was a free spirit. Travelled the country, staying with friends. Joined a commune and lived in it for 10 years. Got married, had a son and then married a woman as soon as her parents died and her son graduated from college. I feel sorry for her husband who she used as a front and sperm donor. Glad that I got out of her life.

Second g/f had a girlfriend that she stayed with every weekend. Would not even let me see a picture of her. She also wanted an open relationship. One day she asked my visiting friends to gang bang her and that ended that relationship. She still pursued me to father a child. Told her that I adhere to one thing in life, make it as drama and stress free as I can, even if it alienates family and friends.

Third g/f and now wife, also is bisexual. I seem to be a bisexual magnet for some reason because I did not even realize until this year that all my sexual experiences have been with bisexual women. It was the only relationship I ever had so it was normal for me. I really thought that any woman can be bisexual under the right conditions. My wife said that I turned her bisexual but I doubt that. :)

Life can get complicated if you let it. The key is you. You can control your own life and my experience is that too many people allow outsiders to influence their emotions and lifestyle until they are so unhappy that they are miserable. As the old saying goes, you can just as easily fall in love with a rich man as well as a poor one. The same applies to poly relationships. You can just as easily fall in love with someone with no baggage as well as someone with a lot of baggage. It is always up to you though. Good luck.
 
maxnsue said:
Life can get complicated if you let it. The key is you.
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I definitely agree with what you are saying, maxnsue - we often times let the situations around us become complicated when we choose the wrong actions, or the wrong people for those actions.

Having had the day to talk it out with Hubby, and to reflect on the entire situation as well as my part in it, I know that I have to end my romantic/sexual relationship with Miss Y, at least for the time being, until I can gauge and communicate with both of them whether she and Mr C have cleared things up, and if she (and I) have both learned not to hide anything from anyone. I think that we have been friends for so long, and gone through so much together, that if I address all of this with her now before anything has a chance to fester more than it already has, at least our platonic friendship should remain in-tact.

As for Mr C, he is taking some time away from the house to visit a friend out of town - it is probably good for him to take time away, as that will give me and Miss Y time to work through our issues, and give me time to figure out just what I am going to say to him.

I realize what I have done wrong in this situation, and I believe I am finding a clear course of action to at least apologize, learn from my mistakes, and move on in life.
 
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