First, thanks to this web site and all the useful information I've found here.
I believe my lover and I passed through the poly looking glass today.
We've known each other for a year, and have a complex relationship in that we work together and have a romantic relationship as well. We're both very busy people and don't want to have a typical romantic relationship. We are both entertainers. She owns an entertainment company and occasionally performs, I help run the company and book all my performances through the company. Why that is relevant is that even outside our romantic connection we are in touch with and see each other almost every day.
We've discussed poly in the past as we both need tons of space and don't expect one person to fill all of our needs. That was fine in theory, but eventually someone or something has to come along to put that concept into action.
She lived abroad most of her adult life. A (male) friend of hers from overseas is coming to visit, staying at her place for a week. They had a long relationship in the past that was also romantic at times, and at times purely business. He is currently in a relationship back home, the status of which neither of us know.
I've known about the visit for a few months but outside of average levels of concern I haven't been too focused on it, in part because our relationship status is never quite clear. Two months ago I had no idea where she and I would be at this time. We recently got closer and our relationship is currently "on".
At any rate, he arrives in a few days. Last night the sleeplessness... I saw her today and she sensed my anxiety and we talked. Here is where the study and learning kicked in.
I explained to her that the problem wasn't her, or me, or him... my jealousy and concerns were about, and allowed me to focus on, what I am missing from the relationship; That we should be able to discuss his visit openly, that I am not needing this to be a monogamous relationship, that I am not getting enough connection with her in general (we're both incredibly busy).
It was really nice to be able to tell her that in my opinion our relationship was very close to being something that worked for us but it just needed a tweak here or there. Primarily, she needs to start throwing me a few bones. (I'm the primary "giver" in the relationship, and I like it that way. I'm also a pretty low-maintenance guy.)
She asked point blank what I needed from her. I told her it was pretty simple, I need time set aside once a week for us to put everything else aside and connect. Some would call it "have sex", but it's much more than that.
Without hesitation she said yes, that she agreed that we need that type of maintenance scheduled into our relationship.
It was amazing how that one concession, really an acknowledgement that what we have is real and deserves nurturing, made me feel so much more at ease with everything.
Then we discussed the visit and she truly doesn't know what is going to happen. I can understand that, he may be "faithful" to his current lady, the spark may not be there, etc. Hell, I'm doing shows out of town this weekend. I don't know what may happen in my world either.
Conversation moved to her asking me what would be the fallout if they slept together? Would that end our relationship. I assured her it wouldn't.
Then she gave me the most amazing kiss, after just holding her mouth away from mine for a minute while breathed together. It was an amazing turn on. I looked at her and said "Jeez. Fuck whoever you want." And I meant it. It came to me in a rush what an amazing, sensous, sexual being this woman is and who the fuck would I be to try to reign her in and control that.
That led to meetings being pushed back and two hours in the bedroom in the middle of the day. Awesome. Then we went and did an interview together.
We have a completely strange and unconventional relationship that cannot be replaced. We work together, play together and create together. It's been an exciting and maddening first year.
By the way, her friend that is coming in is renowned in his field and here for an exhibition. He seems like a really cool guy and I will be meeting him, hanging out I'm sure, and going to his show. I'm actually looking forward to meeting him now. I didn't feel that way before she and I talked. The openness and communication was what did the trick.
I believe my lover and I passed through the poly looking glass today.
We've known each other for a year, and have a complex relationship in that we work together and have a romantic relationship as well. We're both very busy people and don't want to have a typical romantic relationship. We are both entertainers. She owns an entertainment company and occasionally performs, I help run the company and book all my performances through the company. Why that is relevant is that even outside our romantic connection we are in touch with and see each other almost every day.
We've discussed poly in the past as we both need tons of space and don't expect one person to fill all of our needs. That was fine in theory, but eventually someone or something has to come along to put that concept into action.
She lived abroad most of her adult life. A (male) friend of hers from overseas is coming to visit, staying at her place for a week. They had a long relationship in the past that was also romantic at times, and at times purely business. He is currently in a relationship back home, the status of which neither of us know.
I've known about the visit for a few months but outside of average levels of concern I haven't been too focused on it, in part because our relationship status is never quite clear. Two months ago I had no idea where she and I would be at this time. We recently got closer and our relationship is currently "on".
At any rate, he arrives in a few days. Last night the sleeplessness... I saw her today and she sensed my anxiety and we talked. Here is where the study and learning kicked in.
I explained to her that the problem wasn't her, or me, or him... my jealousy and concerns were about, and allowed me to focus on, what I am missing from the relationship; That we should be able to discuss his visit openly, that I am not needing this to be a monogamous relationship, that I am not getting enough connection with her in general (we're both incredibly busy).
It was really nice to be able to tell her that in my opinion our relationship was very close to being something that worked for us but it just needed a tweak here or there. Primarily, she needs to start throwing me a few bones. (I'm the primary "giver" in the relationship, and I like it that way. I'm also a pretty low-maintenance guy.)
She asked point blank what I needed from her. I told her it was pretty simple, I need time set aside once a week for us to put everything else aside and connect. Some would call it "have sex", but it's much more than that.
Without hesitation she said yes, that she agreed that we need that type of maintenance scheduled into our relationship.
It was amazing how that one concession, really an acknowledgement that what we have is real and deserves nurturing, made me feel so much more at ease with everything.
Then we discussed the visit and she truly doesn't know what is going to happen. I can understand that, he may be "faithful" to his current lady, the spark may not be there, etc. Hell, I'm doing shows out of town this weekend. I don't know what may happen in my world either.
Conversation moved to her asking me what would be the fallout if they slept together? Would that end our relationship. I assured her it wouldn't.
Then she gave me the most amazing kiss, after just holding her mouth away from mine for a minute while breathed together. It was an amazing turn on. I looked at her and said "Jeez. Fuck whoever you want." And I meant it. It came to me in a rush what an amazing, sensous, sexual being this woman is and who the fuck would I be to try to reign her in and control that.
That led to meetings being pushed back and two hours in the bedroom in the middle of the day. Awesome. Then we went and did an interview together.
We have a completely strange and unconventional relationship that cannot be replaced. We work together, play together and create together. It's been an exciting and maddening first year.
By the way, her friend that is coming in is renowned in his field and here for an exhibition. He seems like a really cool guy and I will be meeting him, hanging out I'm sure, and going to his show. I'm actually looking forward to meeting him now. I didn't feel that way before she and I talked. The openness and communication was what did the trick.
