Time

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Freetime

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I've been reading posts where folks I know keep bringing new partners into their lives, great connections, NRE, mutual interests, or just plain curiosity.

I don't doubt the emotional honesty of these new relationships, but I do know the cost you will pay-- time. Time with those already in your life. No way around it. Every new partner or relation takes time. The questions to ask are: where is it coming from, or from whom am I taking it?

Are you willing to give up time with those you already love? That's exactly what it will take to create a new bond with another person in your life.

If the answer is yes, then I question the commitments already in place. If I'm willing to do so with or without agreements to keep adding to the list, then I have to ask: what the fuck is this really all about?

There is only one thing in this lifetime I have to give to another person, regardless of its form, sex, friendship, or love, and that's time with that person. Time is how we show we love someone, not how we tell them. It's the gift of true honest love. And that time spent together is a precious and rare gift.

Don't fuck up what you already have, because one day you may find yourself with all the time in the world, because you have no one left to share it with. Get it?

I'll add more as I clear my thoughts on this topic, but I can assure you that unless you're ready to live alone, you'd best give time to those who already love and care for you. They've earned it by being there for you, good times and bad. Don't dishonor the gift they've given willingly. Time.

Clay (Hardcase013)
 
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I agree. I think people often forget that polyamory is not about obtaining multiple loving relationships, it's about maintaining them. And sometimes, in order to maintain them, you may have to set limitations on how many you obtain. It's actually too late when it gets to the point that a partner has to remind you that you need to focus less on obtaining and more on maintaining. It means that damage has already been done.
 
I agree with you, as well. I can't imagine having more people in my life. With the two relationships I have, my time is stretched to its limits. I worry about the division of the time I give to both partners. I want to be fair and give each adequate amounts of time. Both of my partners are very important in my life. I can't imagine taking anything away from them. I agree that maintenance of any relationship is very important and time consuming. But the time you put into them is so worth it.
 
Freetime said:
Are you willing to give up time with those you already love? That's exactly what it will take to create a new bond with another person in your life.
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It makes me think of the analogy of having another child. You love the first one so much, why have another? Because you have more love to give. Time can be shared, and eventually the kids will have others to spend time with, friends, teachers, extended family. My attention will not be enough. Likewise, with lovers, if they need me 24/7, we are not a good fit. My lovers have others to spend time with when they are not with me. My gf has friends, colleagues. My bf has a wife, 2 sons, friends. No one is entirely dependent on little old me to fill up their time.

If the answer is yes, I question the commitments already in place.
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Now, if a poly person just keeps adding lovers, I'd question their sanity. But most here seem able to have two or three lovers and keep relationships balanced. If they get sucked into NRE over and over again, and neglect the lovers already in place, though, yeah, they need a good kick in the ass.

If I'm willing to do so with or without agreements to keep adding to the list, than I have to ask: what the fuck is this really all about?
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Speaking from personal experience here, FreeTIME?
 
It is indeed.

If a poly person just keeps adding lovers, I'd question their sanity. But most here seem able to have two or three lovers and keep relationships balanced. If they get sucked into NRE over and over again, and neglect the lovers already in place, though, yeah, they need a good kick in the ass.

Speaking from personal experience here, FreeTIME?
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Yes. I've seen this at all levels, where it becomes a question of is it poly, or am I just collecting a fan club, or on the darker side, a cult following? Many of the so-called poly/tantra experts I've met have shown no interest in the relationships formed, only in the growing numbers of lovers/worshipers they can gather and sell their shit to.

Go online and look at just how many of these so-called gurus, teachers, guides, whatever, seem to have more interest in selling their systems to nirvana than in actually practicing the principles they're supposedly living.

When you start to look behind the curtain, what you find isn't pretty.

Polyamory may be just anther relationship construct, such as monoamory, but it's still supposed to be about the sharing of love.

I don't need these so-called experts selling me their secret formulas for successful relationships. I just need to be willing to love. Freely. And with some kindness and truth thrown in, for good measure.

Rant over.
 
Oops, I didn't notice this was a new blog of yours, or I wouldn't have spoken so freely. Sorry.
 
You can post anytime. I always consider your words and learn from them. Thanks for letting me see another side of this little world of ours.
 
I agree. I have two men in my life as full-time, live-in lovers. We have 2 (of 4) children left at home, and 2 grandsons who visit several times a week. The men both have full-time jobs. I home school the 2 children at home. I am a student, as well. I have friends who mean much to me, and I don't see them enough for MY preferences. So, all this means I do not have time for another lover.

But some people prefer more distant, uninvolved relationships than I do. I try not to press my preferences onto others. Time is limited though, especially if you aren't willing to mix people together.
 
There is a difference, though, between quality time and quantity of time. I may be able to have a very meaningful, enjoyable, and deeply satisfying, loving relationship with someone I don't physically get to see very often, which leaves time to spend with others. Or I can have FWBs whom I care about a lot, but see more often. <shrug> Love comes in various shades and hues. It can be expressed less often with some people and more often with others, and still work out quite well for all involved.

Seems like you're judging a bit, and that's okay, but do you view people who have more lovers than you feel you yourself can handle as not really giving their all to a relationship? You seem to be questioning the quality of the time they spend with people they love, just because time is limited.
 
Time is limited

Quality of time is what counts. It's all about love and choices. That ain't ever gonna change.
 
Pretty much the reason I don't have a second partner is that I simply don't have time. Some days I'm literally home for 2 hours, between work, errands and school.
 
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