Too much experience

[lunabunny]

Why jump into a "triad" when it could just be a V?

Do you feel you have more "control" and security to keep bf if you also form a romance with New Girl? You've tried this in the past 3 or 4 times and it didn't work.

It never occurred to me, but you might be right. Definitely something to think about. Thank you.

For the moment it feels like a beginning of a beautiful friendship (with benefits) between the two of us. Now I realize that it's just him who wants us to form a triad when it's doesn't have to be so.

Do consider this possibility, Kara. After much angst during the beginning stages of my own MFF "V" / triad, I finally realised that - subconsciously at least - this was definitely one reason I had reluctantly agreed to form a triad with my lovers.

In my case, it was my girlfriend who pushed for us three to all be involved with each other in a physical sense. There were a couple of reasons I had grave misgivings about developing the relationship along those lines:

Firstly, my lovers, Jester and Boho, had previously been involved with each other. Even though their "break-up" had been an unhappy one, they remained very close friends and I knew Boho still nursed feelings for Jester that he didn't reciprocate - making the situation an emotionally tenuous one, especially after Boho and I began to become involved with each other.

Secondly, like you, Kara, another (mono) relationship from my distant past had ended badly after a threesome with my then-boyfriend and best friend/housemate.

When my relationship with Jester expanded to include Boho/me, I think I believed that becoming romantically involved with her would allow me some measure of control by lessening any perceived "threat" that Jester would eventually end up "cheating" on me with her (as they'd previously been close friends with benefits). I suppose I believed that it was inevitable that something would happen between them again, since Jester refused to distance himself from Boho, (even though, when we first got together, he'd indicated he would cut her off if I objected) and they even went away on trips together, which further triggered my jealousy.

- and i still can't find the definition of "PC sentiment"

"PC" stands for Politically Correct. It refers to an ideology or expression that is intended to be equitable, inclusive and inoffensive across the board.

In the context of this thread, a "PC sentiment" may refer to a belief that sounds fair and equitable on the surface, but may be little more than an idealistic "cliché" in reality. Even staunch advocates of polyamory occasionally find it difficult to apply such "ideals" when contradictory emotions come into play, as our feelings aren't always easily controlled or regulated, even in the face of logic and the best of intentions.

I'm not sure if that helps.

 

[Ravenscroft]

You launched this thread, seeming to want validation that you are a shallow, egocentric, grasping person, & single-handedly responsible for the destruction of Paradise. Everyone has said you should reconsider that notion.

I'm going to say that you might have been correct.

You've been "practicing poly since forever" yet have had pretty much nothing but negative experiences, generally traumatic. Choose one:

• You're really NOT cut out for polyamory
• What you've been doing isn't actually polyamory

I've had abiding emotional/sexual connections with a few dozen people (at one time juggling six), & consider most of them close friends even after years of going different sexual directions. I'm blunt & tempestuous, as are most of my intimates... yet offhand I can think of two that I'd put in the "disaster" column, & none of them "traumatic."

At a guess, it appears you reflexively either project a need for melodrama (& wanting punishment because you're "undeserving") onto those nearest you, &/or allow others to bring their chaos to your life & would rather sacrifice yourself than challenge them to grow the hell up a little.

It's up to you not just to make the change, but to WANT to change.

A thousand hours, that's only 41 days and 16 hours.

Um... do you realize that's complete weaselly nonsense? & that weaseling (because it is demonstrates dishonesty with others AND a deep-seated avoidance of self-examination) pretty much removes "polyamory" from the conversation? & that's especially true when applied so handily?

FWIW, I indicated a thousand hours being alone together AND awake AND undistracted. Allowing eight hours for sleep & six hours for outside obligations (school, work) & an hour for transit & an hour for toilet/bathing, that leaves an average eight hours/day, MAXIMUM. Anywhere in Reality, 1000/8 = 125 days MINIMUM. And that's only feasible (however unlikely) if you have no social life, & waste no time on entertainment or doing stuff online, so at least double to 250 days (though quadrupling would likely be closer to objective fact).

I've seen people -- who I considered both sane & intelligent -- meet, marry, spawn, & divorce in less time.

And stuff like getting ready to part & greeting each other after a separation, though they can be bonding experiences, fall under the heading of "Distractions" which can hang on for days or more, as the two of you "re-sync."

Furthermore, separation (time, distance) means two people grow in their own unique directions. Random movement being what it is, they might not diverge hugely, but chances are that it'll be significant; this gets more so with time, & as one or both undergo significant new experiences. That "re-sync" period gets longer.

(IME, it's really boring, uncurious, shallow people who don't change much.)