Okay first I wanted to say you guys are such a good community. So informed and giving of your time and energy... it really blows me away. I read this forum often but rarely feel I have anything to add because you folks do such a good job. So thank you in advance for taking the time to read and respond.
So background first: I've been living in my triad for almost six years. The three of us have been together in different shapes for nine years. My live in partners are Adam and Joan. I have a long distance partner of five years and recently (about six months) started dating someone knew. Joan has a local girlfriend of about three years and recently started dating an old friend of her's (about nine months in). The three of us moved in together when Joan and I started grad school, we moved cities and lost our highly interconnected non-monogamous community about six years ago. And while we have friends and community in this city a lot of them are monogamous... we just haven't found a poly community that we fit into well. We live in the bay area so it's not for a lack of poly people.
I recently discovered an issue I'm having. I'm a slow processor. It takes me awhile to figure out what I'm feeling and why. I'm also an internal processor, I figure my shit out on long hikes or bike rides by myself. So it takes me awhile to sort my feelings. And our relationship hasn't been feeling great for a long time.
I read a thread on here where you guys pointed out someone had a partner who was showing borderline tendencies. And I know it's not kind to diagnose your partner but I think that is something Joan struggles with. Before finding that term I would have called it an anger management issue. But it's not not just anger. It's an emotional management issue. When we first moved in together things were really rough. Joan can display her emotions in volatile and violent ways. In the dark times (which I think of as in the past now) she threw herself out of a moving car, she would beat her head on the wall, she would drive in terrifying ways and she has physically attacked both me and Adam. When she is emotionally flooded she would say and do things with the intent to hurt me and Adam. Both Adam and I developed a kind of hyper vigilance and would be scared when she would come home. It was a really rough time for all of us. Joan is working on her PhD and I was working on an MFA and we had lost our community and were living in a new city. We got a therapist, who was amazing and really helped us develop skills in communication and with his help over three years (before he retired) we have been able to heal a lot of hurt between us... but without really addressing this issue of emotional reaction. Now it has got a lot better. Joan no longer hits Adam or myself. And she has basically stopped trying to hurt me when she is overwhelmed. She isn't perfect but I feel much safer with her. But here is the problem. It hasn't stopped with Adam. When she fell in love with her new partner everything went really really smoothly for awhile. Maybe six months? No scary emotional outbursts. We were able to talk about our issue and work on them together. But lately the scary shit is starting to come back but only pointed at Adam. I don't ever see it. It only happens when it's just the two of them. She will get into a worked up place and do thinks like physically stop him from leaving. She will repeat hurtful things about him and herself over and over again (She tends to put words into someone else mouth, she often calls herself a cunt or other really hurtful things that Adam and I would NEVER say to her).
We are a really good triad. The three of us work together great. My relationship with her is awesome, better than ever. But it hurts so much to see this pattern of behavior towards Adam. It fucks him up and makes him depressed and I get wigged out and need to pull away to protect myself. Which is really scary for Adam.
We are about to face a big change in our relationship. Joan got a job across the country. It's what she's been working for for six years and it seems like a GREAT fit for her. So she is moving and we are staying here. She's not sure if this place is going to work long term and my career here is going extremely well. So we are going to transition into a long distance relationship. We've had a long distance triad in the past for a year, it wasn't easy but we've done it.
But the deal is I'm scared. I'm scared that with the stress of this giant change her volatile behavior is going to kick up and make life hard on us. I'm scared I will resent her other partners (who she does not treat in this way) because she is making time for them and they get the best version of her while we get the messy, angry, blame full version of her.
I love her and I'm going to miss her like crazy but I think this space will hopefully help Adam and Joan sort out some of the hurt that is still between them.
One of the things that kills me is that if Joan was treating me the way she treats Adam I would be out. It's abusive . It's taken me a really long time to be able to say that. And it was only after that behavior stopped towards me that I was able to put that word to it. I'm not sure why Adam puts up with it and it's hard for me to see and it's hard for me to deal with the fall out. Adam is someone who struggles with depression and events like keeping him up all night and telling him how awful he is makes him feel really shitty and get him down for weeks after they happen.
I know that when we talk about triads, we we talk about each dyad is a relationship and the whole is a relationship.... but the thing we don't talk about much is that each individual has a relationship with the others dyad... and that is where I'm stuck. I don't like their relationship. I can't change it. No amount of effort on my part can heal it. And I feel trapped because of that.
I want to be clear all three of us have worked extremely hard on this relationship. And I see how much progress Joan has made in managing her emotional flooding. She has grown a lot and I can't stress enough that the triad is a really awesome fit. The three of us are really great together. And her and my relationship is lovely, loving, supportive and fun. And my relationship with Adam is strong and loving and kind.
Since our therapist retired we do a kind of “therapy time” where we make space to talk about hard things in our relationship (thank god for our therapist he really taught us a lot) and I'm trying to figure out how to bring up my fears and hurt in that format. And I could really use some help figuring out how to say these things in the most kind way in which it still gets the point across. I'm a bit avoidant and I'm very scared of hurting Joan's feelings both because I hate hurting my partners feelings and because I'm still somewhat scared of her reaction... even though she hasn't given me a reason to be in a long time and seems to listen very well when I bring up my fears. I'm not great with boundaries but I have become a lot better over our time together. I hoping you guys can help me figure out how to approach this. Or help me see it more clearly? I'm happy to answer any questions. We have a shit ton of history.
And just on a personal note because that all sounds more bleak then our relationship really is, I have never worked this hard on a relationship in my life. I'm proud of all three of us. And while this has been a real struggle at times I'm proud of the person that this relationship has helped me become.
So background first: I've been living in my triad for almost six years. The three of us have been together in different shapes for nine years. My live in partners are Adam and Joan. I have a long distance partner of five years and recently (about six months) started dating someone knew. Joan has a local girlfriend of about three years and recently started dating an old friend of her's (about nine months in). The three of us moved in together when Joan and I started grad school, we moved cities and lost our highly interconnected non-monogamous community about six years ago. And while we have friends and community in this city a lot of them are monogamous... we just haven't found a poly community that we fit into well. We live in the bay area so it's not for a lack of poly people.
I recently discovered an issue I'm having. I'm a slow processor. It takes me awhile to figure out what I'm feeling and why. I'm also an internal processor, I figure my shit out on long hikes or bike rides by myself. So it takes me awhile to sort my feelings. And our relationship hasn't been feeling great for a long time.
I read a thread on here where you guys pointed out someone had a partner who was showing borderline tendencies. And I know it's not kind to diagnose your partner but I think that is something Joan struggles with. Before finding that term I would have called it an anger management issue. But it's not not just anger. It's an emotional management issue. When we first moved in together things were really rough. Joan can display her emotions in volatile and violent ways. In the dark times (which I think of as in the past now) she threw herself out of a moving car, she would beat her head on the wall, she would drive in terrifying ways and she has physically attacked both me and Adam. When she is emotionally flooded she would say and do things with the intent to hurt me and Adam. Both Adam and I developed a kind of hyper vigilance and would be scared when she would come home. It was a really rough time for all of us. Joan is working on her PhD and I was working on an MFA and we had lost our community and were living in a new city. We got a therapist, who was amazing and really helped us develop skills in communication and with his help over three years (before he retired) we have been able to heal a lot of hurt between us... but without really addressing this issue of emotional reaction. Now it has got a lot better. Joan no longer hits Adam or myself. And she has basically stopped trying to hurt me when she is overwhelmed. She isn't perfect but I feel much safer with her. But here is the problem. It hasn't stopped with Adam. When she fell in love with her new partner everything went really really smoothly for awhile. Maybe six months? No scary emotional outbursts. We were able to talk about our issue and work on them together. But lately the scary shit is starting to come back but only pointed at Adam. I don't ever see it. It only happens when it's just the two of them. She will get into a worked up place and do thinks like physically stop him from leaving. She will repeat hurtful things about him and herself over and over again (She tends to put words into someone else mouth, she often calls herself a cunt or other really hurtful things that Adam and I would NEVER say to her).
We are a really good triad. The three of us work together great. My relationship with her is awesome, better than ever. But it hurts so much to see this pattern of behavior towards Adam. It fucks him up and makes him depressed and I get wigged out and need to pull away to protect myself. Which is really scary for Adam.
We are about to face a big change in our relationship. Joan got a job across the country. It's what she's been working for for six years and it seems like a GREAT fit for her. So she is moving and we are staying here. She's not sure if this place is going to work long term and my career here is going extremely well. So we are going to transition into a long distance relationship. We've had a long distance triad in the past for a year, it wasn't easy but we've done it.
But the deal is I'm scared. I'm scared that with the stress of this giant change her volatile behavior is going to kick up and make life hard on us. I'm scared I will resent her other partners (who she does not treat in this way) because she is making time for them and they get the best version of her while we get the messy, angry, blame full version of her.
I love her and I'm going to miss her like crazy but I think this space will hopefully help Adam and Joan sort out some of the hurt that is still between them.
One of the things that kills me is that if Joan was treating me the way she treats Adam I would be out. It's abusive . It's taken me a really long time to be able to say that. And it was only after that behavior stopped towards me that I was able to put that word to it. I'm not sure why Adam puts up with it and it's hard for me to see and it's hard for me to deal with the fall out. Adam is someone who struggles with depression and events like keeping him up all night and telling him how awful he is makes him feel really shitty and get him down for weeks after they happen.
I know that when we talk about triads, we we talk about each dyad is a relationship and the whole is a relationship.... but the thing we don't talk about much is that each individual has a relationship with the others dyad... and that is where I'm stuck. I don't like their relationship. I can't change it. No amount of effort on my part can heal it. And I feel trapped because of that.
I want to be clear all three of us have worked extremely hard on this relationship. And I see how much progress Joan has made in managing her emotional flooding. She has grown a lot and I can't stress enough that the triad is a really awesome fit. The three of us are really great together. And her and my relationship is lovely, loving, supportive and fun. And my relationship with Adam is strong and loving and kind.
Since our therapist retired we do a kind of “therapy time” where we make space to talk about hard things in our relationship (thank god for our therapist he really taught us a lot) and I'm trying to figure out how to bring up my fears and hurt in that format. And I could really use some help figuring out how to say these things in the most kind way in which it still gets the point across. I'm a bit avoidant and I'm very scared of hurting Joan's feelings both because I hate hurting my partners feelings and because I'm still somewhat scared of her reaction... even though she hasn't given me a reason to be in a long time and seems to listen very well when I bring up my fears. I'm not great with boundaries but I have become a lot better over our time together. I hoping you guys can help me figure out how to approach this. Or help me see it more clearly? I'm happy to answer any questions. We have a shit ton of history.
And just on a personal note because that all sounds more bleak then our relationship really is, I have never worked this hard on a relationship in my life. I'm proud of all three of us. And while this has been a real struggle at times I'm proud of the person that this relationship has helped me become.
