Trouble w/ Feelings

M

minnegander

New member
Hi, there!


I need some advice -

PF and I are getting married this weekend. TF is super excited, but, at the same time, it is really bothering him in that he feels like he's going to 'be the odd man out' in that PF and I will be legally married and he will not have that, therefore feels like society will see him as lessor than PF and I.

Does anyone have any advice? It wasn't a problem until literally two days ago and he's been obsessing about it since.

Background: we started a quad in which there were two couples who'd been together for some time. He and his husband are now going through a divorce (CPF decided he couldn't handle the relationship dynamic and TF never felt more loved than he has felt with PF and I). They have officially separated and it's just the three of us living together at this point.

Has anyone else gone through something similar or have advice on how to handle this? The wedding is very small (15 people) and over half of the people already know about our relationship dynamics (just one of the parents and grandparent do not know). We are even having a commitment ceremony beforehand with those who do know and then mentioning TF in the actual ceremony as a "we'd never have gotten this far w/out his love and support".

Hopefully this all makes sense and thank you in advance for any insight! :)
 
Humm lot happening fast for him I think

Just my thoughts of course.
Maybe he's just feeling abandonment​ issues? If he just went through divorce and then the other part of the triad
Going to marry! Wow! It's quite the range of actual events... So Emotionally​ he maybe overloaded​!
I would suggest just comfort him together... If he's that much a part of y'all.. Bring him along that way...I think it may pass soon.. But you never know... And don't let him feel left behind.
Is he the type that​ would be more comfortable just going on a small getaway? You know out of sight out of mind...
Possibility is endless I would assume
Congrats by the way
 
Last edited:
I think you might be right in that it's a lot to deal with overall in such an untimely manner. He's always been apart of the day and actually voluntarily planned dinner and a sunset boat charter after the ceremony. It's just the "they're married and he's not" part that seems to be getting to him. He even goes on to say that he knows it isn't changing the love we share... It's rather confusing.

Granted, I think a lot of this is from seeds planted by the manipulation of CPF, but I could be mistaken.

I appreciate your advice! And thanks for the congrats!
 
Update:

Had a lot of discussion throughout the day w/ TF. My mother actually surprised him for lunch, too, and everything is good! He still will struggle with the "legality", but he's much more comfortable after realizing that my family still views him as important as PF and we are also including him in our wedding, so that's awesome.


Two more days!
 
A thumbs up for you.

There was a scene in the tv show polyamory married and dating season 1, one of the later episodes (spolier alrrt. Read no further if you dont want spoilers)






A scene where a triad get married unofficially. They created a hand fasting ritual. Hard to explain but the way the 3 people held hands and the symbolism of it felt very touching to me. They stood with their hands crossed, each hand then grasped one other hand in a circle so all 3 were joined. Maybe PF would like something like this another day to feel included.
 
Hi minnegander,

It sounds like you got things worked out with TF, that's good to hear. If any further problems arise, let us know and we'll try to help.

Congratulations on your pending wedding.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top