Trust issues

[ElMango]

I know what Snapchat is, but what does it mean to get someone's Snapchat? Do you mean that you'd be exchanging Snaps? I'm just trying to understand the wording. Like, on Facebook you friend someone, on Twitter you follow, on YouTube you subscribe.

you friend them I guess? It has pictures or even a chat function...so you could do either? It is more casual/light hearted/fun than texting and means the person doesn't need your cell number? I'm not sure I understand this question in terms of relevance?

Either way it is simply a form of contacting a person so you can talk to them directly.

Vinsanity,

I think most people have the same reason you do, to keep an eye on things. They just pretend it's all about making new friends. No offense but I think it comes from insecurity. But then again, I have social anxiety so my judgement could be clouded by that.

At any rate, I've always trusted my partners' judgement. They are adults after all.

Oh for sure! I think for most people it is a self comfort thing. I have generalized anxiety so I also thing that affects my opinion as well. As well in my other relationships with a meta, the moment I developed even a casual like of the person (literally the moment they gave me their cell number and trusted me with that) my compersion went through the roof, legit it went from "meh" to *heart eyes motherfucker*. Again, this probably comes form my anxiety; but I thought it was an interesting tidbit about my personality.

Both of my partners have self admitted their judgement on people is not always accurate, as to the fact they really do miss social cues (one is ASD...he's literally missed me flirting/initiating sex even though I was basically touching his dick. He's also missed being manipulated by a friend so he doesn't super trust his judgment).
So when people self admittedly (and from past experiences with them in their hinge relationships), it definitely brings comfort to all to keep in touch.

 

[Cee]

Okay but it is fairly important not to confuse that you might be emotionally safer that way, but it doesn't make you safer in terms of STD transmission.

I don't often give links of poly writers, but I read one this week which resonated:

https://poly.land/2019/06/19/that-wont-work-if-your-partner-is-behaving-like-a-terrible-person/

I do know it doesn't actually make me safer, it just makes me feel safer and that's incredibly important to me because of anxiety and other things I can't really change. I know what my limits and boundaries are, what can be pushed and what cannot be pushed without significant damage and I see that as a good thing.

I'm not sure how your link is related, which one of us is being the terrible person here? I think we're just two very different people and sometimes it makes things harder and other times so much easier, more interesting, fun and complementary that it's definitely worth it and I can see this relationship lasting longer than any of my previous relationships, despite and maybe even because of our differences. The link at the end about negativity bias resonated with me alot though.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I do know it doesn't actually make me safer, it just makes me feel safer and that's incredibly important to me because of anxiety and other things I can't really change. I know what my limits and boundaries are, what can be pushed and what cannot be pushed without significant damage and I see that as a good thing.

I'm not sure how your link is related, which one of us is being the terrible person here? I think we're just two very different people and sometimes it makes things harder and other times so much easier, more interesting, fun and complementary that it's definitely worth it and I can see this relationship lasting longer than any of my previous relationships, despite and maybe even because of our differences. The link at the end about negativity bias resonated with me alot though.

If you can't trust that your partner will keep to safer sex agreements without you over their shoulder, I think it's safe to say that errs towards "terrible".

When I first brought up the idea of Felix policing his adherence to agreements rather than you, you said:

I need to know every time a new sexual partner is added because of safety reasons. Condoms only protect against some STIs, not all.

So it was all about physically safer sex.

Now you say:

I do know it doesn't actually make me safer, it just makes me feel safer and that's incredibly important to me because of anxiety and other things I can't really change

I think it would be better for everyone if you were transparent about this being related to your anxiety and not STDs so don't even mention them. You know knowing about a new partner doesn't make you physically safer - Felix sticking to agreements makes you physically safer, whether you know he does it not.

Acknowledging these things helps in 2 ways,firstly, it allows other people choice and secondly, it helps you progress where you want/need to.


General comment regarding KTP - it used to be okay to admit that you want this style to "keep an eye". It was around 2000 onwards that this changed and you had to pretend you just liked making new friends.

 

[Cee]

I think it would be better for everyone if you were transparent about this being related to your anxiety and not STDs so don't even mention them.

My anxieties are largely STI related, so of course I mentioned them. Colour me confused at this point. But I agree, it starts to look like I really shouldn't have mentioned them in the first place.

I personally think it would also be better for everyone if you could catch the hints and actually listen when someone tells you what their boundaries are and what is up for discussion and what is not. Not everything can be pushed.

It's also starting to look like without knowing all the details (which I'm not ready to disclose at this point), further advice is pretty pointless. I thank everyone for the advice so far and maybe I'll come back with another question when I'm ready, maybe I won't. We'll see.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm not sure I understand this question in terms of relevance?

Irrelevant to poly. I was just curious about the verb.

Sadly, I am familiar with Snapchat's unfortunate photo filter infestation in the wider culture.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

My anxieties are largely STI related, so of course I mentioned them. Colour me confused at this point. But I agree, it starts to look like I really shouldn't have mentioned them in the first place.

I personally think it would also be better for everyone if you could catch the hints and actually listen when someone tells you what their boundaries are and what is up for discussion and what is not. Not everything can be pushed.

It's also starting to look like without knowing all the details (which I'm not ready to disclose at this point), further advice is pretty pointless. I thank everyone for the advice so far and maybe I'll come back with another question when I'm ready, maybe I won't. We'll see.

What compounds this whole issue, IMO, is that you need to know, but admit that knowing causes you a lack of stability unless they only date in ways you understand and agree with.

We've already agreed that you knowing Felix sticks to safer sex agreements is no physically safer than you know if he does but dont hesr about every sexual partner, so this has nothing to do with STDs and everything to do with that you need to feel emotionally safe. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's important to acknowledge so if someone comes along who doesn't want a metamour who requires that level of input to feel safe, they can opt out.

See, while just knowing that your partner has a new sex partner seems relatively small, having to know because you'll feel unsafe otherwise usually manifests in several ways in non-monogamous relationships.

It really doesn't matter why you need to know to feel safe - you probably have valid reason from past experiences - still, it isn't something that everyone needs or wants in their relationships and both your partners and metamours have the right to know that you need input to feel safe and that there are other people who wouldn't need that.


ETA

"I need to know about all of your sexual partners" isn't a boundary. It's a complex discussion but things like autonomy and privacy complicate this issue.

 

[Tinwen]

It's also starting to look like without knowing all the details (which I'm not ready to disclose at this point), further advice is pretty pointless. I thank everyone for the advice so far and maybe I'll come back with another question when I'm ready, maybe I won't. We'll see.

Feel free to guide the discussion in your own thread, to specifying what questions have become relevant and irrelevant, to omit details or simply not disclose all the reasoning, and to opt out of the discussion with people who press on irrelevant issues. There's no need to answer every post.
If you're taking a break, see you soon

 

[FallenAngelina]

Feel free to guide the discussion in your own thread, to specifying what questions have become relevant and irrelevant, to omit details or simply not disclose all the reasoning, and to opt out of the discussion with people who press on irrelevant issues. There's no need to answer every post.

This is really good advice for life in general.