Truth & Consequences

[elemental]

Spyware

I texted Raven, to apologise for Cinder, and commiserate at the impossibility of the situation. To relay my humiliation. To ultimately say goodbye on my own terms, because I was committed to Cinder in all her flailing humanity and I accepted her for who she was, flaws and all. Over a month we texted sporadically, and I would erase our conversations from my phone. I knew what we were doing was wrong, and I was playing with fire in my relationship. Something felt so very wrong deep down inside me, and I was building a crazy ball of resentment in my chest about the ways I had been controlled.

It had a cumulative effect, and I began to care less about caretaking Cinder's emotional needs. I had developed a callous around her seemingly constant upset, I just didn’t feel it like I used to. Maybe a little impervious. Raven and I would text about her other boyfriend, her studies, my work, a little about Cinder. It was pretty tame stuff, actually. Sure, we acknowledged our feelings for each other, but there were no illusions around me leaving Cinder, and I didn’t want to lead Raven on. There was no overt pining or sexting. It was pretty innocuous. I hated the veto power that Cinder had swung like a sledgehammer, and her extreme control of changing my number. Eventually I came to accept that this had happened. I expressed my extreme displeasure and warned her never to do something like that again, because she was engendering feelings inside of me that would go toxic.

I did not know at the time that Cinder had installed spyware on my phone, and was following along with my convo with Raven. This went on for a month, and I was feeling like I had to cut ties with Raven, because it was not doing either of us any good to have contact and I didn’t like the deception I knew I was creating. It was wrong, and I still loved Cinder.

Then one day she called me at work, and asked me if I had been in contact with Raven. She said she had “women’s intuition” that we had been in contact. I admitted that we had been texting. I told her why, and the gist of our texts. (Of course she already knew this.) I prepared myself for the shit storm. It never arrived.

She forgave me, and thanked me for being honest with her, and pledged her love to me. I was dumbfounded. I still believed that she had guessed that I had contacted Raven, that it spoke of our deep emotional connection. I was lifted up by her acceptance of me. I felt like we had made a huge step forward in our life together. In hindsight, I see it as her checking my honesty out, and that my communication with Raven checked out as pretty plain. Unfortunately, those good feelings were built on a deception on her end of things, and unraveled later on. But at the time, we were in a good place.

Do two wrongs make a right? Does spying and deceiving your partner after a grievous controlling move like changing someone’s number justify finding something? Especially after the 180 degree turn in a day from being in an open relationship? That whole situation has just fucked with my head and heart. But that was Cinder. One day one thing, the next day it was a different story. I never felt like I had stable ground to stand on, to build friendships on. Looking back, I see lots of little things like that and it breaks my heart.

I called Raven one last time to say goodbye, with Cinder’s approval. LOL We talked and cried a little, talked about our feelings and the messed-up situation. She expressed a lot of concern about how unhealthy she saw my relationship, told me she worried about me, my heart. She had nothing good to say about Cinder. We said our goodbyes, and that was it. Our time together was over.

I was determined to make it work with Cinder. She was my wife and I loved her and was fully committed, even with the rising resentment and unease of years of subtle and not-so subtle control and manipulation building up.

We decided to take a break from polyamory for the time being, just be together, and work on our relationship. We did some couples counselling and processed tons. Lots of reflective listening, which was fine. But when it came time to discuss the things I disagreed with, there was always a reason to not talk about it. I began to see Cinder in a different light.

My vibrancy and lust for life was beginning to dull. I was depressed, tired all the time. Sad. I didn’t know why, but of course looking back it is easy to see. But when you are in it, that’s another story.

It wasn’t long before Cinder was on the lady hunt again (did she ever stop?) and had made contact with Chiquita. Here we go again!

 

[elemental]

Calm before the storm

Here I sit amongst the bags and boxes that are the remnants of my life, moving for the 5th time in a calendar year. I don’t like moving, the destabilizing aspects, the uprooting and sorting of the little things that get stuffed in drawers. I have surprisingly little, in some ways a blessing as a way of paring down to essentials and not being attached to material. Most of my “stuff” is left-overs from my shop I built on Cinder’s property. I’m going to give away most of it, or recycle it. I’ve had a pack rat tendency (to go with my procrastination) but that seems to be in its last vestiges.

My new place represents a home that I have never had, a place that no one can take away from me. Security to stay and put down some roots in this valley, filled with a chance at life. When I had that taken away from me one year ago, it was the most earth-shattering moment, to be denied something I had worked so hard to help create for us, something I felt we were equals in, only to find out how easy it is to be discarded and held in exile, and then given the ultimate ultimatum. Change or die. Die the death of our failed commitment, something that I never took lightly, regardless of my mistakes or transgressions.

Does reconciliation need to be all or nothing? Does redemption come from one's actions in the present? These memories and stories live on in me daily. Is there ever making sense of that which has seemed so senseless? Of course, moving has brought stress and nightmares, memories and anxieties flooding into unimaginable scenarios. It’s like each day I try to convince myself that this is the right way to go, that the torrent will slow and stop. That’s the thing with living in a certain limbo, when someone else still exerts control of choices and options. I long for the release from it, for it certainly is long in coming.

So much has happened in my story that I am slowly catching up with. We had just introduced Chiquita into our lives. That was just over a year ago. What happens in the next 6 months is going to be the hardest part of the story. I don’t feel like getting into that tonight, but the next few posts I am going to dive right in. This is the breath before the leap.

I came back from spending the night at Chiquita’s place. She had just gotten back from Cuba, happily tanned and her Spanish all fluent. She brought me back some lovely street art as a housewarming present for my new place, and promised to come and visit soon. She’s such a sweetie. She's in a good place of feeling secure and confident in her life, looking to make positive changes for her long-term health and happiness. Proud of her and glad to play a part in her life.

Had a good talk with Raven on the drive out to the city. She just moved into a new place herself, happily working away and making a life for herself full of adventure in her neck of the continent. It’s so great to talk to her. We are good friends who love each other. Going to make some plans to visit each other at some point when finances get settled. She's getting her freaky geeky on with her FWB. I'm happy for her to get that kink back in her life.

I went for a walk with Gran at the lake. We laughed and talked. She’s pretty great. We are going to be friends for now. I don’t think she is interested in the poly life. But I also think she has got some things going on, so you never know.

I have a date with Crystal for next Friday, to go to a hockey game and chat some more. She’s a fan and supporter of local sports.

Mz Black away until later in the month. She’s going to come out for a visit and make me dinner sometime. It will be good to connect again. She and I are very intellectually compatible. We could talk for hours. And snuggle.

I really like having the variety of intimate relationships, not everyone has the same physical intensity. I am learning to approach every relationship differently, going where it wants to go. It's pretty nice.

So that’s me. Time for a shot of Jamison’s and clean the kitchen.

I hate moving.

 

[WhatHappened]

Thanks for sharing your story, Elemental.

I see these things all too often, and I suspect my story would have become a little more drama-laden had I been willing to stick around for it. But I saw similar things, except that BF's wife was far more subtle. Despite the high ideals of more love to give, and equal relationships, I think the truth is she felt very threatened when she realized he was actually in love with someone.

She didn't like it when anything impacted her life, leaving me to feel that I was meant to be a convenient toy to keep him occupied while she was off with her multiple boyfriends, but not a real person, and definitely not someone who impacted her life and what she wanted in any way. She began making it steadily harder for me to see him. He chose to close his eyes to what was going on.

I have my guesses that he's going to realize sooner or later that he's in a position very like yours, where she is controlling his relationships.

 

[elemental]

Storm warning

Chiquita was a young woman, early thirties, who was bi-curious, and this experience was her birthday present to herself. She is stunningly pretty, and of very sweet and reserved character. Underneath all of that is a strong fortitude and sweetness that is so very attractive. She was out of a 3-year relationship, had already had her rebound fling, and was looking to expand her sensual/sexual dating world. Why not try a couple?

I imagine that a lot of bi women go through this idea, the best of both worlds. We started off with a hotel romp and quickly moved into independent dates. In fact, Cinder pushed us to spend time together, have sex independently, have sleepovers without her. She said she didn’t want to make the same mistakes as with Raven, and knew I wanted independent relations with other women. Or did I? I was wary of making a connection with Chiquita because I knew how fast the ban hammer could fall. But Cinder, in her persuasive way, convinced me that everything was going to be all right. That, and I really got along with Chiquita. We had some similar life experience and the sex was mind blowing, so what the hey?

As well as introducing Chiquita into our lives, Cinder had started to interact with men on OKC, which she narrowed down to a few prospective “dates”. One of these was “Art” (early 40s), an art director for commercials who had struck up a conversation online with Cinder. It was as if Cinder were pushing Chiquita on me so as to start up something with Art. Cinder and Chiquita didn’t really connect very much, as Cinder judged Chiquita’s lack of perceived intellect. Chiquita is pretty simple, which I again found refreshing, but also she has a depth. Cinder just never looked for it.

Art was/is a mono guy. He was enthralled with Cinder and our story, and I was supportive of their connection. At this point, I wanted to share Cinder with another man, because I was coming to a point of not being able to deal with her emotional/intellectual needs anymore. I was run ragged by her constant projects and emotional probing that I thought another man would deflect some of her attention.

We talked openly about this. She would sometimes warn me about “letting” her be with another man and how “dangerous” that was. I was not interested in living my life from a fear-based place, and this was what we were doing, so let’s explore it all the way. I was happy with my time with Chi and didn’t want to give that up, so Art was a logical choice, if he could handle it.

I wanted to meet him, and did. I walked up to him square, shook his hand as I looked directly into his eyes, and told him that Cinder was the love of my life, and I trusted him to care for her in the appropriate manner. What they did together was up to them. I gave them my blessing and left it at that. Looking back, he was kind of nervous lol.

So Cinder had Art, and I had Chi, who we shared threesomes with occasionally, although Cinder and Chi didn’t connect much. One weekend Chi came over to our place, and Cinder bowed out of sex and went to sleep in the spare bedroom, which at first I was nervous about, imagining another scene in the morning, but that never happened. She seemed actually ok with it. I thought we had moved into a new and better place, and was opening up myself to the poly dream again, where our family grew by friends and lovers, and we created a life that we wanted.

After Chi left for the big city, Cinder shared with me that she had been texting Raven while I was sleeping with Chi, telling her how wonderful our life was without her, that I was having sex with another woman RIGHT NOW, that I had happily moved on, that she had won, and Raven had lost, and could, ostensibly, “go fuck herself."

I was gutted. Why would she do this? Why, after months had passed, would she lash out and try and hurt Raven like that? Why not let the past be the past? Why bring up all the old hurt again? Why use me as a weapon against a former lover like that? I just couldn’t understand.

We started to have a big fight about it. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not okay with that, especially using my relationship with Chi against Raven. Things started to escalate, and then I backed off. It wasn’t worth it. We had worked so hard to come back from the abyss. To focus on this was pointless. I took the cowardly way out, joked about it, and tried to make peace with it. Inside, I was churning through all the bad feelings it had brought up, but fought through that to be a good husband. Nobody is perfect, not even Cinder, as much as she liked to think of herself as such.

So things continued in this vein. Life was full. I was still struggling with depression, and Cinder was encouraging me to go on anti-depressant meds. She was always looking to tweak her experience of me to be just so. She would tell me that she was 90% happy with our relationship; if I would only keep working on that 10%, everything would be perfect. She pushed me to “kill off” parts of myself so we could be truly happy.

I got blood work to see if I suffered from low testosterone. I was so tired all the time. Turned out I had high T, which made sense, considering my somewhat fiery temperament at times. I began to see myself as just being who I am, and that, sure, I could alter my behaviour to a certain extent, but I wasn’t interested in "killing off" any parts of myself. That just seemed bizarre.

I didn’t yet see the connection between my relationship and my depression, so I went on the meds to make Cinder happy. At that point, I was doing anything she asked of me, to make it work, to make her happy, even at the expense of my own happiness.

After another romp with Chi, Cinder again sent Raven texts, this time with photos of all of us in bed, along with the requisite taunting texts. Fuck! Why was she doing this?! By this point I was fully whipped. I had modified my behaviour to not be confrontational with Cinder. I just didn’t want any more conflict. I was so hurt by her continued use of me as a weapon against Raven. I had conflict inside myself.

I texted Raven. Of course I knew her number. It had been erased from my phone, but I knew it. I texted her that I was sorry that Cinder was being a “cunt” and that I had no part of it, and that I loved her and wished her well. I wanted to apologise, in my own way, and let her know that I wasn’t ok with this bullshit. I needed to do it for my own self-worth. I felt better after that. Cinder could control me completely. I needed to express myself, be true to myself. It bothered me greatly that she was doing this.

At this time, she was also falling in love with Art, as she always does. I let her know it was ok, that even if things got serious, she could have Art in her life, I wouldn’t veto him, it was her relationship. I wanted to treat her as I wanted to be treated.

I told her I would never leave her, and that the only thing that could tear us apart was her not wanting to be together. I remember this moment so clearly, holding her in bed, in my arms, declaring my love for her, my commitment. I knew that I was hers for the duration, and that I would stand by her through anything. As long as she stood by me, in fairness and equality, we could work through anything.

I didn’t or couldn’t see at the time that our relationship was fundamentally unequal. I was about to have my eyes opened in a BIG way.

Cinder still had her spyware on my phone. Of course she did! I believed her “woman’s intuition” crap the first time around, so why expose herself? It was her ace in the hole. So when I had texted Raven my brief apology for her shitty behaviour, she knew about it. And when she asked me about it, then I knew about it. Something is stinky…

Initially I denied it. I didn’t want to have the conflict, and besides it was just a quick “I’m sorry my wife’s being a bitch” msg. Then it dawned on me that she was spying on me. I had to call her bluff. I needed to know what she had over me. I was afraid of her wrath. I was that whipped at the time, a shell of my former self. I should have called her on it right away, and that’s on me. I kept denying it until I basically told her to prove me wrong, even though we both knew I had already done it.

She kept trying to work it to her advantage, and I kept telling her “show me your proof”. She finally came out with my verbatim text, and all hell broke loose. In retrospect, I wonder if her hellfire was so intense so as to deflect any anger I had around her spying on me for 6 months, maybe longer? I don’t even know. The trust in our relationship had been shattered in both our directions. I of course felt bad and tried to make it up to her, put things in perspective. I was still clinging to my commitment to her and thought we could see it through. I thought we had both made mistakes, so if we both forgave each other, we could get over this. It wasn’t like we hadn’t had momentous upset in the past; it was actually the norm in our relationship, sad to say. But Cinder had other ideas, and I was about to find out what those where.

This is really hard for me to write about. I was at my lowest and most desperate state in my relationship with Cinder. The reality of the control and manipulation had yet to really hit home, because I was still dealing with her on a daily basis. Abuse can take many forms, and can certainly come from anyone, even someone of diminutive stature. It is the breaking down of one’s personality to the point they will eat their own shit and think it the tastiest treat ever.

 

[elemental]

Today

What's up, Whathappend? Thanks for your post. Yeah, he will have to open his eyes, or have them opened. Or maybe he will just bury his head and let her control him. Some people go for that. It takes inner strength to open your eyes to an abusive relationship. I hate the concept that people are toys, distractions to the primary relationship, the veto. Of course, every dynamic is different, and emotions swing all over the place. I just really dislike that kind of person and will be staying well away from them in the future. I'm pretty tuned in now. Glad you got out before the drama hit the fan. That's some good self preservation right there. Newbies take note!

Quick update. I'm in my new home and it is awesome! The launching pad for the new beginning of my life Tomo my dog loves it. Things are going good. I feel so much relief to have a safe space to call my own. Home. A real home. No one can take that away from me again.

Still going through the divorce process with Cinder. She keeps texting me. Of course, she has blocked my ability to return text her. lol. It's a fucked-up situation. She wants her cake and to eat it too. She can have the whole damn thing, just not me with it.

Raven just texted. She's liking the blog. Glad to get her feedback. She's a pretty straight shooter, that Raven.

Had a date with Crystal last night, another hockey game. We snuggled in the seats and I warmed up her hands. We are talking about a more private visit, and structuring some kind of D/s playdate.

Chiquita is coming for an overnight visit tonight! So excited for her to see my new place and love her up. I am going to make her dinner and have fun. Nice to not have to drive into the city to see her. Her coming out shows a more equal effort to see each other, which is good for me.

I invited Granny over for a dinner next week. We'll see. She accepted and is looking forward to a visit, as well.

Mz Black still out of town, texting sporadically. She is happy and supportive of my new home/life.

I am enjoying dating, the ebb and flow. The relaxed pacing. I'm not in any desperate hurry to jump into bed with anyone. I'm looking to be friends first and let things go where they may. I won't be locking down with anyone anytime soon. I'm a poly dude and I like it.

 

[elemental]

Eye of the Hurricane

Things were pretty dire between Cinder and me. She saw my reaching out to Raven as a direct affront to our marriage. She had threatened so many times that one more transgression, and that was it. She waved the divorce flag in my face a lot throughout our marriage, always a threat if I didn’t modify my personality or behaviour to better suit her needs. Rarely did we have moments of real acceptance. Whenever we did, I sure felt relief and security in our relationship.

This was not one of those moments.

Cinder was beyond upset. I could sense it in every way. She felt betrayed at the core of her being, as did I, funnily enough. I just couldn’t see it under the mountain of acquiescence that I had buried my true self under. I had a saying with Cinder, “the wind stops blowing eventually”. Only this time, the dark clouds on her brow were Stage 5 hurricane force. Hurricane Cinder. I was standing naked in its direct path. I tried to engage with her, talk out our feelings, but that sinking spiral came and took us down into the vortex of mass hysteria.

A couple of days passed, and things were still at code red, high anxiety. She had gone to stay at her parents, to give us some space. I tried to explain myself, my actions. Tried to justify, which never works. I tried to take responsibility, to apologise, to rationalise. Nothing got through. She was in “the zone”. I could not reach her. I reflected back, given a little bit of space, at my behaviour. I saw the deep unhappiness, the control, the manipulation. I saw her completely justifying her spying because, well, she found something. It didn’t matter that I felt she had manipulated me into contacting Raven with her shitty behaviour.

I looked hard at myself. Had I knowingly risked my marriage, because deep down I was fundamentally unhappy? Was I disconnected from Cinder's upset after years of dealing with her manic mood swings? Was I so tired and exhausted of being pushed to be someone that ultimately I was not, or didn’t want to be? I was filled with questions.

We talked briefly on the phone, and in a rare moment of clarity she saw some of her actions as unfair, and was scared that she was losing me. She apologised and asked if it was too late for us. Could we come back from this? I told her that I loved her, and that she should come home, be with me. That we could and would work it out. That all I needed was acceptance for who I was. It was like that calm moment in the eye of the storm where the sky opens up and that brief respite gives hope before the dark clouds come crashing in and the steel rain rips everything to shreds.

Looking back, I see part of me was done. Part of me was done with Cinder, that I had lost that loving feeling. That I had broken away from the co-dependency of her upset, and was detached from it. I think that truth allowed me to do things that upset her. I pushed boundaries, said mean things. It came down to the fact on a fundamental level I didn’t care anymore. It hurts to write that. I was so numb to the battering howling winds of Cinder’s upset. It was and is a dark place. A toxic place.

I feel like that is the moment that something died inside of me. Hope, maybe? Certainly ideals. The reality of our situation hit me full force, like a 2x4 across the face. I was falling out of love with Cinder, and had been for a while.

I was on the anti-depressants meds at the time, so I didn’t feel anything, really. It was bizarre. My life was crumbling around me and I didn’t really feel anything, just like a mild acceptance of what was happening.

I still believed we were going to work it out. I had gone into the city to visit friends, to talk about what was happening, and on my return drive I got a call from Cinder. She wanted me gone from HER house, immediately. Today. Didn’t care where I went, as long as I was out NOW. Immediate eviction. I tried to reason with her, I had no where to go on such short notice. She was adamant. We were done, and I was to leave her home now. Actually it was our home, and I had paid 80k+ on the mortgage, and done 20k+ in renovations, but it was still her home. She was the only one on the title. Foolishly, I had turned down being on title, confident that if we did ever get to this point that she would be fair and equitable. How wrong I wa

She was exploding on the phone, and was threatening me with all sorts of confrontation. I was gripped in a panic of anxiety. I went home while she was at work, packed a few of my personal belongings, and found a room to rent with a stranger that day off of CL. I said my goodbye to the dogs, not knowing if and when I would ever see them again.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I left, exiled into the world with literally the clothes on my back. I was done begging. I had to leave. She was forcing me out. I couldn’t take any more of the pain and the upset, even in my numbed-out state. I went out into the world on my own, scared and unsure what the future would bring.

 

[newtoday]

I hate that concept that people are toys, distractions to the primary relationship, the veto. Of course, every dynamic is different, and emotions swing all over the place. I just really dislike that kind of person and will be staying well away from them in the future. Glad you got out before the drama hit the fan. That's some good self preservation right there. Newbies take note!

Excellent advice, Elemental.

I was vetoed, as you know. Then his primary told him that he could continue to see me, if he agreed to reopening our closed V to other women with her. She needs him to seek out (bait) other women for her, so that she feels desired as much as I did by him. I love how the "fix" was to reopen, something she knew that he and I had discussed for almost 4 years as not a possibility. I had told her directly this exact feeling in the past and now it's the ONLY option to her allowing him and me to see each other.

The manipulation is sickening and I'm sad for him that he doesn't see through it.

He swears that if she reneges on this agreement, he will leave her. But I also know that that won't happen. She's sick, has nobody and nothing else, blah blah. Same excuse, different week.

He tells me that he doesn't want to do this, and that he is only doing it to appease her so that he can see me. He tells me that his love, desire, need and passion for me won't change, but I'm having doubts. The reality is, he broke my hard limit, and as a result, I'm repulsed by them both. There is so much wrong in this entire situation. I just want to hide under a rock. So much for trust and honesty and acceptance in these relationships.

I could write a novel on the flaws of their thinking, and the manipulation and lies and retrofitting of the past to fit the story she needs to tell now and for him to believe. And he swears she's an innocent little lamb. Whatever. A 3-year old would see through the litany of lies she's spun. But not him.

I, too, will ensure that in the future, I will stay as far away from these people, and people like them, who use and dispose of people as toys.

I'm loving your blog. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

[Eclipse]

I think the most flattering thing you could possibly say to someone here is that their experiences change the way you are functioning in your own relationships. If that's the case, then I can definitely say that to you.

When my triad started, we decided to put a veto power into our rules, to be used should anything catastrophic happen. My wife and I were both new to polyamory even though we had been in the swinger lifestyle for a long time. We were very well-intentioned in making this rule. Everyone wanted to make sure that everyone else was happy, and that should things take a sour note, then we could all retreat back to life as it was before our triad began. However, largely because of reading your story, I have started to question the ethics behind the veto power.

My wife and I love Freckles immensely. But I have started looking at what that veto power means to HER. Curls and I will always be okay, we are in a marriage and have kids together. We are never going to veto each other out of the relationship, just like Freckles doesn't have the ability to veto only one of us out. It's all or nothing. Where we think we are doing a good thing by having a parachute out of the relationship, should things not go right, I realized that it must be horrible from Freckles' point of view. She daily has to contend with the idea that the bottom could fall out of our relationship at any moment. She alone has to contend with the fear of being left alone again.

I've talked to Freckles, and intend to talk to Curls in the morning. It's time to change that arrangement and get rid of the veto power. There's no problem so insurmountable that anyone should have the power to destroy someone else's life as they know it.

 

[elemental]

In the wilderness

I was out on my own, living in a room in a townhouse with a stranger with the clothes on my back. I was numb from the anti-depressants. I spent the first few days staring at the ceiling, and then formulated a plan. I’m not one to just wallow in the mire, even if I feel the hurting intensely. We only have a certain amount of time in this life and I prefer not to waste it. My initial thought was “it’s over." I had a deep unwillingness to go back to the way things were.

That first week of being alone was a chance to let the quiet return to my life, my heart, and take stock of all that had happened. Being away from Cinder immediately reduced my anxiety on a daily basis, even with so much hanging in the balance. That was the biggest change, not having to constantly process and deal with manic emotions. I spent a lot of time lying on the floor staring at the ceiling. The meds were keeping me from feeling the full brunt of what I was going through.

My first few conversations with Cinder were pretty heated. She told me adamantly it was over, and how we needed to move forward with a separation agreement. It was tough going. I thought we could reconcile. But she was steadfast in her opinion that we were done, so I started to believe her. I read her blog about how wonderful her life was and would be without me, how great a guy Art was, and how we needed to work towards a binding separation agreement.

Considering we had intermingled our lives and finances from the very beginning, no small task. But that was Cinder, methodically step-by-step deconstructing and rebuilding reality to better suit her ideals. She immediately wanted to negotiate our relationship on financial terms, which I found pretty upsetting. It seemed that once the hammer had dropped, it was all about the money, and how she could deny me the reality of what I had contributed to our life together.

I reacted badly to some of her early communication. Hurt, confused, in a certain denial. I don’t think I was functioning normally, so I went off the meds. Took about six weeks, and a whole slew of withdrawal symptoms, but I got there. That’s when the full brunt of the emotional reality of what I was going through hit home, and I crashed into some pretty nasty emotional spaces. There was a certain desperation developing in my life, but I still held out for fairness and equality in our dealings with each other. I thought we could work through our differences and find a common ground. I was unprepared for the things that happened next, that have rocked me to my core and left my whole concept of relationship and marriage in tatters.

Home is the most important place/space for me. I am very much a homebody. I pour my heart and soul into my homes, the ones I build, and the ones I am lucky enough to live in. Having always rented, there was only so much commitment I was willing to make to my home, but I still always did the little things and connected with it as my safe space.

When Cinder and I bought a home together, she was so happy for me to finally be able to express ownership over that space, and always assured me that no matter what happened, I would be protected, and the equity in the form of time and money would be there for me. She use to gloat that she kept track of every mortgage payment I made, and that money was mine, no matter what. I felt so happy and secure that I believed her, that she was a moral and ethical person and would honour those commitments.

I was wrong.

At every stage of the separation, she has denied me my rights, my ownership, my work, my investment. It was like those silky soothing words never existed. The reality was she moved quickly to consolidate her equity, and deny me my stake. She still does, almost one year later. My character has been vilified, and I have been publicly broken down into my lowest common denominator. Her family, once so proud of their hardworking son-in-law completely turned their backs to me. I was truly outcast, with nothing. No support, no assurances, no supportive words.

Friends were informed to choose sides. I was being shunned. It was nothing that I had ever experienced before, and this was my second marriage. I was shocked by the lightning quickness that I was struck down from the ledger and replaced. It was like I no longer existed-- until she wanted me back. Then it was a complete about-face that made my head spin.

Two months of pure hell, moving from room to room, unsure of any footing, of being completely ungrounded. Well, almost. I did have one thing that grounded me, the cabin I was rebuilding for us. We had purchased a little shack that I was pouring my love and hard work into to create a little get-away for us, a year earlier. I had done most of the grunt structural work and was about to get into reshaping it architecturally when the shit had hit the fan. Working on that cabin was my only light out of this, the slight promise of a home that I might have once again. It was worthless to Cinder as it needed so much work (was unlivable) and I had already poured over a thousand hours into the project. We had taken out a loan to renovate that was in a joint account, that I was drawing off to do the work. This was how I worked off the pain and upset of being an outcast. Building myself a home.

Cinder knew this; we had talked about it. Whenever we would come close to an agreement, Cinder would always change the parameters at the last minute. It became so frustrating, never to complete a discussion before the context shifted.

When she wanted me back, all of the things she had taken from me were dangled in my face again, like so many carrots. My home, my dogs, my life, family, all ready to welcome me back. As fast as she had turned on me, she was offering me a way back. I was the love of her life again, and we could get past this. Of course, I had to sign up for all the processing and counselling and jump through all the many hoops, and of course, the little problem of adjusting my personality to best suit Cinder, but she knew I could do it.

There was only one problem. I didn’t trust her anymore, and I didn’t love her like I had. I couldn’t just turn the other cheek to what had happened to me, because it could happen again at any moment. I knew she was fickle, but what I had just gone through had been very hard, and I had lost more of that loving feeling. In fact, I had developed a strong dislike for Cinder’s personality quirks. I found her a bully, under her persona dripping with kindness and personal growth. I found her to be a liar, someone who doesn’t abide by her word. I found her controlling and manipulative, like a sheep dog herding me into whatever psychological pen she thought was best to put me in at the time.

I was starting to hate what she had done to me. Some of the things she told me also during that first attempt at reconciliation also brought bile to my mouth. She had been consulting with a “professional” who had, without ever meeting me, diagnosed me with some kind of personality disorder, and advised that I needed “emotional shock therapy,” vis a vis kicking me out with nothing, no notice, no help. Seems they were trying to create crisis for me in order for me to see the error of my ways. What the fuck??!

Another was that her mother had been in on all the spying and consulting with the psychologist and how best to fuck me over on the settlement offer. Thanks mom-in-law. I’ll always remember you for that two-faced knife in the back.

So I turned down her first offer of reconciliation.

I’m ranting now. I feel that serpent of rage coiling around my chest, all the bad memories flooding up. I want this to be the last time I recall all of this in this much detail. It’s not good for me. And with my story about to take another turn for the worse, I will take a break. Little steps, little steps.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

This is such a sad story. Reading this is bringing tears to my eyes. I think that you are doing a good thing in writing it down.

I hope that writing it helps you in processing the tough emotions.

You write well and it's good to hear the story from your perspective.

 

[elemental]

Blackness

When I turned down Cinder’s desire for reconciliation, I must have hurt her deeply. Rejection by a partner is, for Cinder, one of her biggest fears. She opens herself to the world, and when things don’t go as she expects or wants, especially in love, it would crush her. So I can only imagine what my refusal to re-enter the marriage was like for her. I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready. I needed time and space to even consider, and after what I had found out about her personality and deceptions I just couldn’t do it. There was a hard boundary inside me. I guess it was my self-preservation instinct kicking in.

It was an intense time, 3 months into separation. We were both seeing other people still. I had continued to see Chi, and didn’t stop. It was very casual. She knew everything that was going on. Cinder would occasionally text her, but mostly Chi would just ignore her. She thought Cinder was crazy. I was in contact with Raven, and her perspective helped a lot, after being the brunt of so much of Cinder’s animosity.

Cinder curbed Art as soon as we talked reconciliation, and then picked him up again immediately after I turned her down. I felt sorry for him, to be used like that . But I just let it go. It was their relationship.

I redoubled my efforts on the cabin. I was determined to complete it as a monument to perseverance. I even had some good luck and stability, renting another cabin across the street for ten months so as to be close to the project and work on it every spare moment. I could see it every day as I walked out my door to go to work. It was pretty sweet, or so I thought. I had just finished a lovely timber frame entryway to the cabin, and it was really taking shape.

I was using the reno funds diligently, and knew that I would have to trade Cinder considerations in our life together to maintain ownership of it. I had kept the reno monies in a joint account in good faith for three months, and had records and receipts to back up my expenses. Cinder seemed honorable, and we had talked about me finishing the cabin and living in it. I thought even if we couldn’t be together we could be friends and work something else.

Unfortunately, Cinder had other plans.

I had just moved into the cabin across the street from our cabin and was making great headway. I felt for the first time in months a purpose and a light at the end. Cinder and I were talking, and I felt like there was an understanding. Then, calamity. First Cinder instructed me that she didn’t feel right about me finishing the cabin. She wanted to sell it. Then she took all the reno money out of our joint account. In one fell swoop she had taken control. A coup d’etat. It felt like she had cut my heart from my chest. My head from my body. In that day I was destroyed, and I died a living death. My dream died right in front of my eyes. And I had to live across the street from it for the next ten months.

I lost my mind. I had a nervous breakdown. I called her a lot of names, and said things out of hurt and anguish. I told her she was killing me. Then I went looking for her. I went to her business, to her home. I held out a belief that if we could just talk we could work it out. I ended up at her parents,' in complete desperation. I talked to her mom, who calmly told me I should just settle with her. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it was her mom who encouraged this course of action. Thanks, "Mom"! Her family was like that. I was only a part of it as long as I was useful to them, it seemed. They closed ranks pretty quick. She did calm me down though, and I went home, in shock. I was devastated.

I returned home to calm down. It was a bad time, and it was about to get worse. Much worse. I was home for about an hour when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to find three police officers, hands on their guns in tactical positions, telling me to come out of the building and talk to them. I could see from the looks in their eyes they were not fucking around. I asked them what this was about, and they said I had made threats to my wife and her family, and was a danger to myself and others. Cinder had told them that I was a martial arts expert, violent, and had unregistered firearms in my possession, so they sent the Diesel takedown team. I invited them in and kept my hands up. This was a dangerous situation. They came in and searched my place, then informed me they were taking me in on a mental health apprehension. They cuffed me and marched me down the street and put me in the police truck. I remember seeing my neighbors watching me get paraded down the street.

It was humiliating. It was true I did have a Black belt in jujitsu, but I was not violent and did not have guns in my possession. This was just more maneuvering by Cinder to put me in the hole. Control. Manipulation of the truth to suit her needs. She now had everything, the money, the homes. She had everything except me, although she had me where she wanted me, reeling and fucked up. She had taken everything again. I had nothing.

Once I explained the situation, I was let go. The police were kind of pissed; they felt they had been played. I checked out, and got dropped back at home. I called my lawyer.

I had retained a lawyer a month before, just as a council for the process, and because I didn’t trust Cinder. I didn’t want a lawyer war, but needed legal advice and thought it was a prudent move. In no way did I ever unleash him as an attack dog on Cinder. I was confident we could hash out a settlement and find common ground, even in separation.

Unfortunately, Cinder didn’t have the same kind regard. On the same day she took the money and the cabin, she had a lawyer attack me and lay out her legal strategy. She denied everything I had done and paid into our life together. White was black and black was white. It was trench warfare. She would reject every claim I had to anything we had built together. The lies that came from her lawyer were mind-boggling. I couldn’t believe I was being treated this way.

But I could believe it. I knew Cinder. This was her payback for my initial rejection of reconciliation. This was her taking control of the situation. If I wasn’t going to toe the line and get back together, I was going to be annihilated. This was scorched earth. The things her lawyer said about me and the claims she made about our life together ripped my heart and soul apart. I fell into the abyss of despair.

Blackness

 

[WhatHappened]

Hi, Elemental. I'm glad you're continuing to post. Your story is worth hearing, although it's wrenching even to read.

Whats up, Whathappend? Thanks for your post. Yeah he will have to open his eyes, or have them opened. Or maybe he will just bury his head and let her control him, some people go for that. It takes inner strength to open your eyes to an abusive relationship. I hate that concept that people are toys, distractions to the primary relationship, the veto. Of course every dynamic is different, and emotions swing all over the place. I just really dislike that kind of person and will be staying well away from them in the future, I'm pretty tuned in now. Glad you got out before the drama hit the fan, that's some good self preservation right there... Newbies take note!

For better or worse, I did get involved in a recent discussion with him (read: day of drama) in which I pointed out the disrespectful things she's said and done. His only response was that I don't understand anything. It is true I don't understand people denying black and white words and actions, and claiming there's no man behind the curtain.

I truly believe that he is able to somehow compartmentalize in some way, such that he feels the force of his emotions for me should have been enough to overcome the evidence of his actions. As I try to understand what happened, I think that he has lived in the world of open marriage for so long, that he really couldn't see how his behavior was showing me I was second, and he really couldn't even see why I should object to being second because...."You knew! You knew I was never going to marry you." And yet, he objected to me ever saying I felt second, and in fact, pulled the 'I'm hurt you could even think that of me!' routine. A juxtaposition of facts, feelings, emotions, expecting me to accept that I wasn't and never would be his priority, and yet never notice it or feel it.

I truly believe that he still sees his wife as the 22 year old he married, not the 48 year old she has become. He seems incapable of comprehending that she could feel threatened by his obvious love for me, and incapable of comprehending that yes, she might make things difficult out of that fear.

He says there will never be another girlfriend, so it's beside the point. I say she's got him where she wants him, then, and eventually, I can't imagine he's going to be happy watching her date and have a long-term girlfriend while he can no longer see it for himself and does everything alone; or, he's going to meet someone new and history will repeat itself.

I think the most flattering thing you could possibly say to someone here is that their experiences change the way you are functioning in your own relationship. I can definitely say that to you. There's no problem so insurmountable that anyone should have the power to destroy someone else's life as they know it.

This is exactly the sort of thing that makes me glad Elemental is taking the time to tell his story. I'll be honest, I see very few situations where poly really works well, and you highlighted it. In so many cases, there is a continual, distinct lack of equal footing. It's exactly why I'm done with BF. He's broken-hearted and crushed, but unwilling to admit, much less fix, the problems.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Elemental, reading your story makes me so sad. It is good to know that you are free from that situation and are getting on with your life. I wish you every happiness in however you choose to live from now onward.

I'll be honest, I see very few situations where poly really works well, and you highlighted it. In so many cases, there is a continual, distinct lack of equal footing. It's exactly why I'm done with BF.

Me too, sadly. I have more to say on this subject, but I'll move it onto my own blog. No need to clog up yours, Elemental. Best wishes for the future, and thanks again for writing.

 

[elemental]

It's sad but...

Sure, it's been a tough slog, and bad shit has happened. But I want to emphasise the good that can come out of situations like this. Opportunities to know oneself better. Deconstructing dysfunction. Finding out the mettle of one's character. A lot of good has come out of this, as my story will show. It's just at its lowest point. I want my story to be a success story, and it is, and will be. I read blogs like Idealist's and think "That's what I am going to create."

I know that people like her are out there. I have made a lot of mistakes and relish the opportunity to learn and grow from them. For me, that is what this is all about. And to connect with a community and find people who relate to the ways I do and want to do poly. Because there are all kinds of ways to live a life well.

 

[Arrowbound]

Sure its been a tough slog, and bad shit has happened. But I want to emphasise the good that can come out of situations like this. Opportunities to know oneself better. Deconstructing dysfunction. Finding out the mettle of ones character. A lot of good has come out of this, as my story will show. It's just at it's lowest point. I want my story to be a success story, and it is, and will be. I read blogs like Idealist and think " that's what I am going to create"
and I know that people like her are out there. I have made a lot of mistakes and relish the opportunity to learn and grow from them. For me, that is what this is all about. And to connect with a community and find people who relate to the ways I do and want to do poly. Because there are all kinds of ways to live a life well.

Love this, and fully agree. A friend of mine, after hearing my fears and rants about the recent upheaval in my own relationship, asked me if I "still want to do poly." I just said poly wasn't the issue, and it isn't. Never even crossed my mind to demand monogamy again. It's the lessons I'm interested in and open to.

 

[Phy]

I can't really comprehend what this second side of the story has shaped it into. It is mind boggling. I am truly sorry that you had to live through this and am happy to hear that things got better for you lastly.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[elemental]

Cherry blossoms

Phy, I can't either.

I had to take a break from posting because I was filled with the living dread of the memories. All the memories. But, I am strong, and resilient. I can bend. It's hard when someone seems so hell bent on complete domination. By any means necessary, apparently.

I was walking with Tomo today after work. Spring has sprung. The new season has brought the cherry blossoms out, pink and bursting with the promise of something new, fresh, clean. A new beginning after a cycle of darkness and decay. Rebirth. Growing. Changing. A lot of promise in the new season, the light, the warmth. I wonder what will grow out of this, of what fruit will bear from these blossoms. I hope they won't be sour cherries.

Got a busy weekend planned. I just had a lovely overnight here with Chi.

Mz Black is finally back in town and headed this way for a visit Saturday night.

Been texting with Crystal, going slowly but the intention has been made, looking forward to exploring a kinkier side of myself.

Granny is out. She has hunkered down with a dude she has been training with. We are still friends.

Been chatting with Raven, who is good, although still in the grips of winter, it seems.

And, like I need more dating potential, a dark horse: TallDoll, from OKC. Where the hell did she come from? Oh my... coffee date on Sunday.

Have a good weekend everybody! xo

 

[elemental]

Picking up the pieces

I was destroyed by Cinder’s moves against me. How can someone who purports to be this being of light and love, of constantly striving to grow and change and be the best possible version of herself, come at me like this, without dialogue, or warning, or even the slightest care or concern for my mental and emotional well-being? Surely she would have known that this was going to ruin me. Was that her intention? Maybe this was part of the grand shock therapy she had planned for me, turning the screw on the stress level to induce the desired response, make me come back into line. Break me down so I could be re-programmed, the right way. Her way.

This has all brought me to the lowest point in my story. It is only up from here, gentle readers! Yeah!

But before we go up, I wanted to talk about depression, and the hazards of being put through times like these. Certainly we are talking about first world problems here, and that was something I used to fall back on. When things got so crunchy that I felt like “doing something” I would remind myself of the basics; food clothing shelter. I had all three.

By this time, I had Tomo with me, having had him dropped off at my work one day by one of Cinder’s employees with the caveat “Do you want him or not?” He has been my little rock throughout this, my love, and the reminder to look outside of myself for the simple pleasures in life. I have found a certain solace in his simple dog-ness. To be present in the moment and appreciate the sight and smell. Walking him every day got me out of the cabin. Fresh air, perambulation, the rhythmic swinging of arms and legs. Proven therapy to get the good endorphins going.

I didn’t need a cognitive therapist or a life coach to tell me I was a good man being fucked over by someone who was not, at their core, who they pretended to be.

I have a history of substance abuse and self-harming, and these things came up. But I was able to pick them up and put them down, without adding to my own misery. I have decided to stop trying to destroy myself over the worry of love or money. I had finally gained some perspective in my life.

I did question myself, and my decision. I had loved Cinder, and married her. Made vows to spend the rest of the days together. I thought back on our life together, of the beautiful life we had created. I would walk the shoreline, letting the feelings come and go. I questioned whether I could go back and we could make it work. I was in such dire straits financially that part of me was seriously urging the rest of me; take another look at this.

I am diligent. I also know I can be stubborn and headstrong. Was I being too full of pride for my own good? Could I reconnect with Cinder? I know, I know, DON’T DO IT!!! But I am like that. I don’t give up easily. I decided, against most common sense, to contact Cinder one more time. Own my shit, and see if there was anything there. Could we both forgive and forget? I had everything to lose, and if that was the way it was going to go I needed to be sure that this was my path. For my heart, my mind, my whole being. Unity on all fronts.

This was to be my last attempt at any kind of relationship with Cinder. I wanted to reach out and touch her humanity, with humility and grace. Acceptance. To see who she really was, and know in the depth of my being, whether we could right these wrongs, from both sides. I wanted to see if she could see me as a human being, instead of some pseudo employee-husband-plaything-meatbag.

So, with great trepidation, I initiated contact.

One last time.

 

[elemental]

rants and rage

I am amazed at where my life is at compared to a year ago. I never imagined I would be in this place. Change can be good, especially in the face of so much adversity. It can also be nerve wracking and stressful, with still so much uncertainty. But life keeps revealing itself, about myself, and those around me past and present. I never imagined that the woman I married, who I pledged my life to and dedicated my life energies to would have been capable of doing the things she did to me and our life together. I also have a hard time seeing some of the things I do, and did in the same light. The angry words. The harsh language. Being aggressive. Do these things cancel each other out? Does calling someone a cunt after they steal 26k out of a joint account constitute abuse? I have such a hard time reconciling the scales in which events happened. I can’t believe the huge love and life that Cinder and I had shared has been reduced to an internet pissing match.

I have been so angry at being held hostage from my own life. At having every agreement changed at the last minute. Of being used like a pawn, degraded and lied to over and over and over. So sometimes I act out. Lash out. Fire. This weekend was one of those times. I messaged Cinder's lovers/partners with links to this blog. I thought maybe, just maybe, they would be interested in my story. I was angry as yet another deadline approaches and passes and still no resolution. Cinder as usual holds all the keys, the cards, the money. I have to be the patient boy, after being forced out of my own life. I wait and wait and wait… it is a long wait.

I find it funny that she won’t address the specific things that she has done to try and destroy my life. She makes vague references to mistakes and “not being perfect”. The things she has done in our relationship have been cold and calculating, well thought out. Done with purpose. Done for effect. None of it has been happenstance. I do not find myself in this situation due to a series of unfortunate events. I am in this situation because someone decided to put me in these situations. Cinder made choices and acted on them, fully cognoscente of the possible outcomes. To pretend any different is a bold-face deception and I am calling it.

Truth. We make our own version of it. This story has been mine, although all the events are factual, and not meant to be cloaked in flowery language. This shit happened to me. This shit is REAL. Not some chick flick fantasy novella about how wonderful my life is or how much fucking personal growth I’m doing. None of that can cover up or make up fucking someone over, willingly.

Consequences. The often unintended results of our actions that we have no control over. The net results of our choices. The undeniable mark left on lives after events that make us live the lives we have. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions, we should remember that and choose wisely.

I look forward to being released from the clutches of someone so callous and blind to the facts of what they have done, so deaf to the begging and pleadings for mercy, and so oblivious to the damage they have wrought on someone that they pledged to love and honour forever, only to turn around and thrown them on the scrap heap with as much care as tossing a bag of dog shit in the garbage.

Flame on.

 

[elemental]

two steps

My weekend was pretty great. Had a lovely visit with Mz. Black, after not having seen her for over a month. Seems like that is who we will be to each other, long distance adult friends who have a solid deep connection. Friends who are physical, who sleep together. It’s a nice re-awakening for both of us, a reminder of the many shades of poly that are neither intense nor overly emotional. Pleasant. Kind and rejuvenating. We talk about our lives, and she is thrilled to see me gain some stability in my life. She knows my story and is dumbfounded by it. She has a good heart and council’s forgiveness and understanding with wisdom and grace. I speak to her of my recent struggles (see last post lol) and she tells me to stop it, no good will come of it. For my own sake. I have to agree with her, and am moving in that direction.

Sometimes I backslide into the anger and rage I feel, the injustice of all that has happened. Ultimately, I have no control over what happened. I want to return to the place of acceptance and rise above these troubling emotions. I know I have to, but healing has to happen, as well. Two steps forward and one back. I have been doing pretty good actually, and to have backslid into the rage and revenge mode for just a little bit is ok.

The re-emergence of Cinder on these boards was a trigger for sure, the deleting of her previous blog that detailed her side of what happened and then the recreation of a new, improved, cleaner, more sanitized version made my head pop off for a bit. I wonder why she deleted it if she had nothing to fear from the truth. Why change user names? Why create another layer of anonymity? I feel like it is her trying to bury the ugliness of what has happened, because she never addressed the things she perpetrated on me in her original blog. Let’s just pretend that it never happened.

I talk to another dear friend who has been haunted by an abusive relationship. Her ex is like “Get over it, already”. My friend suffered horrible psychological abuse, as well as physical violence. It’s like her ex wants to move on quickly from the uncomfortable truth of what she did, and doesn’t want to have to deal with any consequences of her actions, in herself or in the community. My friend struggles with the burden of a broken heart and of being a victim, of having some who falsely pledged her everlasting love, only to be turned on and cast off when things got bad. Better to start over so fresh and so clean than having to really accept responsibility for one’s actions. Right?

I had a nice coffee date with Talldoll on Sunday. We talked and laughed and related, a lot. She is pretty dynamic. I am starting to feel spread a little thin these days, so I don’t think it wise to start up another dating scenario. Raven will be coming to visit sometime, and with Chi and Mz. Black in the mix, I think I will just cap things from an intimate standpoint. I am not a people collector, and don’t have any interest in pretending I have all these “life partners”. Gawd, that is the last thing on my mind. But friends, intimate friends, adult friends, who care for each other, are honest and open, have autonomy and who aren’t interested in some kind of sycophantic co-dependant fantasy world? That sounds about right for me.