Trying to figure out feelings

[LBC12345]

Hi all,

I've agreed with the ideas of opening up and poly for a few years in theory and during my last couple relationships, but it didn't seem to be the right move for those relationships.

I started dating a girl a little under a year ago and I discussed the ideas with her as interesting things, especially the concept of love/feelings/friendship not negating or reducing other love/feelings/friendship. We even both started reading the ethical slut (which I need to finish). I didn't try to open us up because it was early and she didn't seem quite ready, and she hadn't been in a relationship in a while, and we are long distance (hopefully fixing that in a few months).

Now months later, she brought it back up (open with rules, not poly) after developing a crush. I really don't know how to organize my feelings and thoughts. I have never actually been open or poly before, but in theory those ideas were something I agreed with. I'm having a hard time even telling which feeling I'm having.

There's definitely jealousy, which is something I may want to get past but I'm not used to it. I felt kind of sad and defeated a little too, not sure why. I want to be able to say yes and let her explore something like this, and being long distance I feel like there's a lot to be desired. I also have a feeling like a kid who doesn't want to share his toys because he doesn't get to play with them often enough. I feel like a hypocrite. I have a lot of worries like what if this guy (who lives much closer) ends up having a deep connection with her? What if she likes sleeping with hom.more than me? What if he replaces me? The sad reaction I have to all of this is the most frustrating.

I really don't know what to do or how to figure out what I want. I know I've wanted this before but it's hard being long distance, not knowing the guy, not being able to meet him, not getting enough time with her, etc.

-A

 

[kdt26417]

Hi LBC12345,

I get the impression the long-distance factor is actually the main thing that is causing problems for you. You said that was hopefully going to change in a few months; I am wondering, are you moving to live near her, or is she moving to live near you? If you're moving, then she can still hook up with this crush of hers, but maybe she could just wait until you do move. If she's moving, that makes it harder for her, but maybe she could still wait, and find a new crush in your town.

Difficult situation, I don't envy you. LDR's are a hard proposition.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Shaya]

Hi there LBC,

Firstly, a warm welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new here myself but I've found that most of the forum members here are really quite experienced and often have very good insight into situations.

I'm hearing you say that while you agree with the philosophy of polyamory intellectually, you found yourself surprised by your emotional hesitance to it. I feel that you are saying you want help on how to be more at ease with these emotions and with the transition your relationship seems to be taking.

I've never read the ethical slut. By all accounts it sounds like a great book. Others you might want to consider are "opening up" by tristan taornimo and "more than two" by Franklin Veaux. I personally like this relatively shorter online piece that comes for free. The same online author also writes a piece about non monogamy for men, and an article on jealousy that I found useful and tried to summarise here.

Your feelings are normal. I'd suggest trying to focus more on what you and she has, rather than on what she and the other guy has.

Best of luck in this difficult time for you. For what it's worth, your entry into poly with lots of discussion beforehand sounds healthier than many other people's entries into poly.

Good luck,
Shaya

 

[vanillabean]

Good start so far!

Hi there, A,

A couple of initial reactions:

1. you are reaching out for resources (books, forum)
2. you discussed this in theory ahead of time
3. you are taking time to process your emotions

These are all great steps to take.

For me, when my partner brought up that she wanted to open up, I asked her to put the breaks on for a bit (we hadn't discussed this in theory, except at the beginning of our relationship 7 years prior). This gave me time to find resources (talk with friends, read) and to ask her questions about some of the insecurities that I felt.

It is important to take ownership of your decision and emotions, as you are. I like books and networking, so I read the resources below and starting going to a monthly poly meetup in my area. This might help you feel more confident about your choice and when people ask "did you decide to open up because you want to or because your partner asked?" you can say that it was right for you.

Be your awesome self, and you won't be replaceable. I was a bit worried at first that I might be replaced. When I first said no to poly, my partner cried, which was hard to process at the time, but in retrospect, this was a key moment in realizing that her emotional reaction was because she really cared about me. Are there any signs in your case that you are important to this partner? There likely are if you have been dating for a year especially since long distance is challenging.

Our relationship also became stronger after we opened up because the resources I was using to improve poly life also meant that I could invest those same relationship-building skills with her (e.g., being present and building friendship). Overall, I would say my sense of security in the relationship has stayed about the same before/after opening up.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with experiencing emotions. Sometimes it sucks, but don't read into it or try to set up your life to avoid feeling them. Some jealousy management strategies that worked for me include:

1. poly rather than open (casual sex is a trigger for me, as opposed to sex in a romantic relationship)
2. meeting my metamores (they have been awesome which is why my partner picked them, and they are people and imperfect just like me)
3. asking my partner to let me know ahead of time if she is meeting someone new (this is when I feel most jealousy, before a relationship is established), so that I can make plans, go out, and/or make a date with someone else.

Anywho... sorry for the rambling. Hopefully, there is something in there that helps. Check out the resources below. Jealousy management in particular is a hot topic so I'm sure you will find these resources helpful.