Trying to figure things out and move forward.

W

Wifeto2

New member
So.. It has been a bit since I posted. Since then I have figured out that what dh and I had with gf was not a triad but a V with him in the middle. I finally voiced to her what my problems with this were/are. The idea going in was that we were going to be a triad, she was more attracted to me than him, blah lahblah. Basically I ended up feeling lied to in the end. I told her last night that there never was a triad but a V. She first tried to say that it was because he never gave us his ok for the two of us to do things alone. I called her on that stating that if you are truly attracted to someone there are other ways (other than sexual) to show it. She finally admitted that she didnt want to take things further because we had started out friends. I told I would have been fine with that but she lead me to believe she wanted to go further. So things have been settled with her.

Things with dh however have not been settled. I gave them my ok for them figure out things between them. He continued to have a problem showing sexual interest in me but not with her. His sexual interest with me has only come back since things have ended with her. About 2 weeks ago I had finally had it.since then he was done with poly and didnt want to continue it. Then literally two days later he brought a friend of mine. And kept harping on it. I have kept telling him that I did not want to have a relationship with a girl. I however am not opposed to forming a relationship with another guy.

Being on this forum and talking to other people my mindset has changed. I don't believe on a mono relationship. I have told dh this. He seems to think that if he just changes the way he is with me that I will magically go back. He wants me to "shelf" this poly thing so we can work on the issues we have.

He is afraid of me replacing him with someone else. I have told him no matter what I am not interested in doing that. He wants me to help him work through his emotions and insecurities before I persue another relationship. I am not actively looking but Im against. I have had to work through my own emotions and insecurities myself over the course of those two months. I went through hell. I communicated my needs over and over and over again for them to be ignored in the end. He now wants me to help him work through his and honestly I don't feel it's my responsibility to deal with his issues.
 
Take our his preferences and yours from the equation for a moment.

WHY WOULD ANY OTHER PERSON WANT TO DATE EITHER OF YOU if they KNOW ALREADY that there are major issues to be resolved between the two of you-that could hurt them?

Everyone talks about the "fair" part between self and current partner-but how about lets talk about "fair" in terms of the new potential partner?

What would be fair to a new potential?
Certainly more fair to them if you two already have all of your shit figured out. Certainly more fair to them if you two aren't in conflict over them.
Certainly more fair to them if they aren't risking being veto'd by a jealous spouse...
 
Wifeto2 said:
I communicated my needs over and over and over again for them to be ignored in the end. He now wants me to help him work through his and honestly I don't feel it's my responsibility to deal with his issues.
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It isn't your responsibility to work through his issues with him.

It wasn't his responsibility to meet your 'needs' even though you communicated them to him over, and over, and over again.

You are grown humans, presumably capable of dealing with your own emotional issues.

Wifeto2 said:
He wants me to "shelf" this poly thing so we can work on the issues we have.
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What are the issues that "we" have? Do "we" have insecurity issues? Do the two of you share them? I suspect that individually you each have your own issues to deal with which, as responsible adults, you should deal with. As far as who is in charge of the "we" issues... it might be difficult to determine who is in charge of that (because it doesn't exist... you are two individual humans with your own issues).
 
Natja said:
And this once equal 'third' was kicked to the curb.....again.
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We didnt kick her to the curb. All three of us talked individually and she decided she wasnt right for either of us. My wife because she wasnt into her abd myself because we require different things from a relationship. Once the NRE wore off we figured that out. We have all remained friends throughout.
 
Natja said:
And this once equal 'third' was kicked to the curb.....again.
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She went into a fucked up relationship, her fault. I dont buy this secondary victim talk. They have just as much responsibility to ensure they form healthy relationships
 
You know, not everyone walks around with an 'I'm seriously messed up' sign hanging around their necks London. People often hide their crazy very well, especially when they have NRE around to mask the crazy.

But you believe what you want.
 
Oh come on you two. Stop it stop. Haven't you ever heard of the saying "it takes three to tango"?
 
Dhto2 said:
We didnt kick her to the curb. All three of us talked individually and she decided she wasnt right for either of us.
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Yes, she realized did not fit into the relationship configuration you had prescribed for her and really would never have a say as an individual because she was expected to be in love with and desiring of both of you equally. Basically, she was being kicked to the curb if she didn't fall in line, so she opted out (only a glutton for punishment would've stayed).

Why can't you two get it through your heads that that approach is totally unrealistic and a recipe for disaster? The only times triads work is when they fall into place and evolve naturally, not when you try to fit people into that role like a puzzle piece.

First thing the two of you do: work on strengthening the foundation of your marriage, deal with your issues, learn how to be kind and considerate to each other, and communicate. Then... DATE SEPARATELY!!!
 
nycindie said:
Yes, she realized did not fit into the relationship configuration you had prescribed for her and really would never have a say as an individual because she was expected to be in love with and desiring of both of you equally. Basically, she was being kicked to the curb if she didn't fall in line, so she opted out (only a glutton for punishment would've stayed).

Why can't you two get it through your heads that that approach is totally unrealistic and a recipe for disaster? The only times triads work is when they fall into place and evolve naturally, not when you try to fit people into that role like a puzzle piece.

First thing the two of you do: work on strengthening the foundation of your marriage, deal with your issues, learn how to be kind and considerate to each other, and communicate. Then... DATE SEPARATELY!!!
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WhatHappened said:
Sounds to me like being kicked to the curb.
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What happened: what I ment in that statement was that I needed her to stay away from me. I needed time to be alone and think. Not from dh. I told both of them that their relationship was theirs and they were responsible for it. As far as her and I were considered we were still friends but nothing more.

nycindie: she didnt fit into the "mold" we had originally planned and discussed with her, no but as time went on.i changed about how I was thinking. I was more upset with her because she wasn't honest with me about her feelings. She led me to believe she still was interested in persueing a relationship with me and she wasn't. As far as what her and DH had, I told her and him that I wanted them to continue if it made them happy. I had to take a step back and figure my feelings and stuff out and needed a break from both of them until I could.

In the end, her and I talked and came to the realization that there never was a triad and that her and I have always been just friends. Nothing more.

Her and dh just decided to end things this weekend because he is a very cuddly, affectionate person and she is not. She wants/ needs someone who will give her unlimited space and he is not like that.

Dh and I are trying to work through any issues the two of us might have.

I might onto have always enjoyed the comments here but I have appreciated them and am greatful as they have helped me work through my issues and emotions.
 
Natja said:
You know, not everyone walks around with an 'I'm seriously messed up' sign hanging around their necks London. People often hide their crazy very well, especially when they have NRE around to mask the crazy.

But you believe what you want.
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Same goes for getting into any relationship. It's exactly the same, poly, mono, triad, vee, tribe, homosexual, hetereosexual. We all have the same responsibility to check that someone isn't crazy, then to check they aren't hiding their crazy.
 
london said:
Same goes for getting into any relationship. It's exactly the same, poly, mono, triad, vee, tribe, homosexual, hetereosexual. We all have the same responsibility to check that someone isn't crazy, then to check they aren't hiding their crazy.
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Hmm, indeed, though it is easier said than done, some people are so good at self deceit that they don't even know they're crazy. Anyhoo...life and relationships are not walks in the park all the time.
 
Sorry Wifeto2 & Dhto2

Unfortunately, due to the desires of some selfless saints to help people successfully break free from community imposed traditions that dictate acceptable configurations of all persons personal relationships, there cannot be any examples of couples looking to form triads.

If I wasn't clear, it has absolutely nothing to do the small fortunes to be made by literary ticks that publish "how to do polyamory successfully:break the oppressive chain of societies*"

We just want to help you, now quit with the crazy talk, we have already given you the links to others random and unaffilliated accounts proving that using the language and specific terms you used or have used at some point in the past, triads will not ever work for you, and no matter how much time all three of you spend together it can never be considered a "triad"

you IP address has been recorded to prevent you from sharing any experience involving a second woman and because you did not quit when we first told you to, one of you has to surrender your spouse for spousal segregation reformation or pay 0.5% of our lost book sales due to the two of yous guys being persistent little pricks about this matter.

For the last time Wife & Dh, what you are attempting to do is illegal, you have been diplomatically warned three times now, please understand we must maintain some sense of civilized order. Please remember, this isn't about your life or your relationship, this is about principles, and more specifically the principles of True Authentic Polyamory, if you don't like it you can always have your names removed from the latter day polyamorist superior and enlightened humanists church of truth and truth-like accounts of what works and what doesn't, for True Authentic Polyamory







*all of the oppressive chains but one, unfortunately due to not having as much actual experience and overlooking the fact that some people are understanding and patient and because our limited research missed all the people who are not part of severely off-putting and offensive "poly" communities that didn't act like they didn't understand love and were able to maintain relationships of FMF with 2 straight females or more frequently 2bi females who had already worked through the pitfalls of venturing into non-monogamy -- so intimacy between the females was not required, and no matter if there is never any intentional separate 1 to 1 poly arithmetic going on, because there is no certified poly accountant this type of configuration violates triad code Ce8.45367 of amendment R37 of the newly coined definition and acceptable dynamics to be considered a "triad" which was found to be constitutional and NOT considered a community imposed chain thus we are not hypocrites and even though Dustin calls us poly ticks the supreme court ruled 7 to 1 in favor of his opinion being wrong. Of the three couples he claims to know that break Ce8.45367 of amendment R37 of acceptable dynamic definitions, one we chased off for good, the second we were unable to be invasive enough to verify and the third triad the second woman does not share the same residence for 6 weeks out of every year.

We feel we have been more than fair with you and went through every proper legal channel to make sure we didn't pick the wrong battle to maximize our how to book sales, so at this point please refrain from stating, implying , reporting you were a couple looking for a third bi-woman (and it would really help us out if you didn't even try it without talking about it)

We fully realize that all it does sometimes happen, but we put serious effort into ensuring that nobody falls through the cracks, if we weren't so egotistical and blind, mixed in with the typical grammarian elevated sense of our highly "evolved" so smart to believe there is no God that at this point God is included on the list of "can't happen" right there underneathe "couples for triad" so please, unless your would like to hear from our publisher's lawyer,

pshhh! indeed! triad, ha you know nothing about real triads, everyone knows they start out with DADT spousal not invited dating

cease & desist for Christ's sake

thank you,

signed
~the mangmnt

of the new french revolution and supporters of NASA because anything they filmed themselves doing is true, even though the hologram jumps over 27degrees and 7minutes across the sky in west by south west motion which would only put it and 687 miles away.
 
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Dirtclustit, you sound like spam. If you're not going to at least try to make sense why do you bother posting?
 
Emm said:
Dirtclustit, you sound like spam. If you're not going to at least try to make sense why do you bother posting?
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It makes things easier to put him on ignore I find because I don't think he realises how rambling he is :confused: I used to get frustrated until I realised there was more of an issue than just bad composition. Getting on and him won't make any difference and it might just make it worse.
 
london said:
We all have the same responsibility to check that someone isn't crazy, then to check they aren't hiding their crazy.
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Excellent point. There seems to be some sort of tacit understanding here that the 'unicorn' is a poor, unwitting and semi-conscious dimwit that hasn't a clue what she wants or what she is getting suckered into. Either that or she is being conned by unscrupulous unicorn-hunters.

I don't buy that. I prefer to believe that grown-ups are responsible for their actions. I know, it's conceptual flaw in my understanding of humanity.

It's totally understandable that a couple might want to extend their "family" to include a third person. It's also totally understandable that neither they, nor a third person considering joining such a couple, might not have thought things through completely. It even possible that such a setup is, statistically, not going to work out in the long-run.

To add to this no-one is perfect (except BG - joke!) and we all have personal and relationship dysfunctionality to some degree.

Consenting adults have a right to experiment, even with short-term setups. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't. That's life.
 
but, the implied they were looking for a triad

Emm said:
Dirtclustit, you sound like spam. If you're not going to at least try to make sense why do you bother posting?
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and it didn't seem like they were willing to let us dictate who and how they date, somebody back me up here, they're a couple, they met a single woman, they weren't dating separately.
 
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