Trying to figure things out

V

Vicki82

Active member
I just read through the guidelines. I don't belong here, but I'm not really sure how to find where I fit, and I need to talk to some people who are experienced in this sort of thing!

I hope a long story is okay. I figure that will get the most helpful responses.

I've been with my husband (Henry) for 11 years, married for 7. For most of our marriage, I've been fantasizing about being free to have sexual contact with other men. It's not that I am not happy to have sex with Henry; just that I love the idea of variety and being able to experiment if I want to.

For years, that idea remained on the back burner, a fantasy that I felt would never be satisfied. We had talked about it in the past (and I even have a friend that Henry has always said it's okay to fuck if the opportunity arose, since we'd been friends for 15 years and he's clearly no threat to our marriage).

Then we were on vacation, and ran into some people we'd seen on our last vacation (completely by coincidence). We enjoyed their company and hung out most days. I noticed about halfway through the trip that the husband was coming on to me. I was very attracted to him, as well. He told me that he and his wife were poly. I told Henry that I was very attracted to him and wanted to have sex with him. Henry was a little taken aback, but he did tell me to go for it.

So I had sex with him and it was great, and Henry realized it didn't diminish my love for him in the least. In fact, it made me love and appreciate him more for being willing to allow me to do this. We won't see that couple more than a couple of times a year, and I don't know if it will happen again, but it was a great experience.

Henry has now given me permission to seek other lovers when he is out of town on business, which he is quite frequently. He prefers that my attachments be casual, and I can respect his desire not to threaten our relationship.

So, I have posted on a few sites seeking sex partners, but I guess this just feels a little tougher than finding someone in real life that I have chemistry with, who is clearly interested in me. I feel a little awkward about the situation, but on the other hand, I would greatly value some relationships while Henry is out of town, as I have a very high sex drive and he is gone for extended periods of time.

At this time, Henry has no plans to take other lovers. He says he is fully satisfied by me, but if a situation arises, he will discuss it with me.

Does anyone have any suggestions or advice for a newbie? I'm looking for pretty much anything. I just finished reading The Ethical Slut and that was very helpful.
 
Would Henry be comfortable if they were friends, or if you went on dates while he was gone, not just had sex?

If dating is okay, I'd try OKcupid.com, and/or polymatchmaker.com, if you are in a larger city. So many poly people are SO busy with relationships, I don't think it would be that impossible to find somebody who you enjoyed spending time with and had chemistry with. who ALSO was willing to see you on your husband's travel schedule without it making them feel like a cheap sex toy or something. ;) It might be preferable for a lot of people who don't necessarily have time for a relationship where they need to have time available weekly.

Of course, whether you date or not, there is the chance that you might fall in love with someone else. That is something you and your husband should really accept as a possible consequence, no matter how casual your relationships are planned to be right now.

I think, STI-wise, it can be much smarter to choose longer-term FWBs or lovers than strangers who are just there for sex. With all the strains of both low and high-risk HPV around that condoms don't protect from, with the high rate of HSV-2 (if that is concern to you), having a better idea just who you are getting involved with can be a bit more important to be aware of, when there are other partners' health to consider.
 
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I just want to second Anne's point that deeper feelings can sometimes strike when you least expect them. It doesn't mean it would have to diminish your love for Henry, or hurt your relationship any more than sex did. But if that happened, despite your best intentions, if you realized you loved someone else, and wanted to develop more of a relationship with them, would it be a disaster, or something you two could accommodate?
 
Well, for a lot of reasons, dating probably isn't going to work. I don't actually think I am the kind of person who can love more than one person romantically without shortchanging the other. Sex is just sex to me. It's just physical pleasure. There's nothing threatening there. But my heart belongs to my husband. I also don't really think I need an emotional relationship. Henry satisfies those urges fully. It's just when he isn't around that I need something physical. I'm not the kind of person who does alone well.

Actually, my tentative solution was to sleep with married men. Obviously there aren't going to be any emotions there, since they're just looking for what I want-- a little fun and some pleasure. The ethics bothers me a little bit, but nothing I can't rationalize to myself anyway. My plan was to have maybe 3-4 different guys and just see each one maybe once every month or two. And I was going to ask them to get tested and use condoms, of course, since Henry and I have unprotected sex. (I have an IUD.)

I have a very high sex drive and that's pretty much what I miss when Henry goes away. I do masturbate, but it's just not the same as a real person.

I also can really only meet people during the day, anyway, which doesn't bode well for actual dating. I have small kids at home and no babysitter, so my only free time is when they go to preschool. I am not comfortable having someone in my house when my kids are asleep.
 
Do you really think that if you only sleep with married men that it's going to guarantee that you don't develop feelings (or vice versa)? Haven't you seen thousands of women posting around the world how they've fallen in love with some guy who is cheating on his wife? So saying that "obviously" there won't be any emotions is silly.

I am assuming you mean you are considering having sex with cheating men? If so, there are probably better places to get advice from than here. Polyamory IS ethical non-monogamy after all, and literally defined, it is the ability to love more than one person at a time, with the informed consent of all. I guess that that's why you wondered if you should post here.

My father, and thousands of other men out there, who are unhappy enough to cheat in the first place, fall for the new woman (regularly) who is exciting and doesn't make demands on them. A married friend who was doing the whole NSA thing found that it was like catnip for men, married or not, to decide that they wanted to have more, and to try to interfere with her marriage. Would you and your husband really rather have cheating husbands than honest and upfront sexual partners involved in your lives?

Really, if you want NSA, please go for unattached or poly guys. I don't imagine you'd like your husband going out and helping women deceive their spouses, or worse... deceive you. I always tend to think that couples seeking hot-bi-babe unicorns for fidelity are in for the worst luck of their life, but really, it sounds like this scenario is more likely to end up with more misery and karmic doom than anything else I can think of.

I think it is about 99% unlikely that you are actually going to be able to get cheating married men to provide you with STI test results. (I mean, they can say what they want, but paper results? no effin way.) A guy who is cheating is likely going to be sex-focused, and want more regular sex than once a month or two, if they have to jump through any hoops like proving they don't have gonorrhea or genital warts. THEY will find you way too high maintenance.

Genital warts, and the high-risk HPV strains that cause cervical cancer, aren't avoided with condoms. There are over 40 strains. They can be spread orally too, both with oral sex and kissing, and can give people oral cancer, or spread genitally for cervical or penile cancer. There are no tests for HPV in men. Genital herpes are not spread as much with condoms as without, but they can't be avoided with condoms.

Here where I live, 1/4 of the women and 1/7 of the men have HSV-2. Normal STI tests do not include the HSV-2 blood test because it is so widespread. It is MUCH more likely for a woman to get it from a man than vice versa.

Just more food for thought. I mean, you can roll the dice, but a girlfriend of my husband ended up with a high-risk HPV strain from a partner (not her husband) last year, and was cautioned by her doctor about the risks of spreading it by anything from kissing to oral sex.

Anyway, lots of people these days are unemployed, are house husbands, work from home for tech jobs, writing, whatnot. People are out there for daytime dates.

So.. just what did you get from reading The Ethical Slut? I am pretty sure it doesn't recommend unethical non-monogamy, so just what sort of open relationship did it suggest that appeals to you? Starting from that point might be more useful.
 
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There's nothing wrong with NSA sex, but there's no reason to choose cheaters for it. If they're willing to lie to their wives, what makes you think they won't lie to you, maybe about important stuff that could affect your safety? Swingers clubs and Okcupid seem to be two good places to find married men in open marriages who are honest with their wives, just like you've been honest with your husband. In the former scenario you can meet the wife in person to confirm that she's okay with what's going on. In the latter, you can chat with her online or meet her in person.
 
The reason I was looking at married men is that I really don't want an emotional relationship, and I know that the vast majority of cheating husbands just want sex. Yes, I know lots of women fall for married men, but I also assume that they might have been looking for a different type of affair. From what I've been told, most women want a love affair to meet missing emotional needs. Yes, I realize I'm generalizing, but I would assume it's typically true.

I was planning not to go beyond surface stuff when I am with a sex partner and we're talking. I'm just not interested in an emotional outlet there, so I think it would be tough to fall for someone if they're just an occasional fuck. If they fall for me, that's their problem. I'll find someone new. They'll know upfront what my expectations are.

It really was so much easier in person. I liked making friends with both the husband and wife we met on vacation, and knowing that we were still going to be friends afterwards. I liked how easily the chemistry and attraction developed between us, and how relaxed we were in bed together. The internet has felt so awkward for me as a result. Honestly, I prefer the openness, but I doubt I will end up in another situation like I did with that couple. If I do, that would be a huge bonus.

I can't go to swinger's clubs. I don't drive and I am only free during the daytime, like I said. And this is not something Henry wants to go to. He's fine with me doing whatever while he's at work, but he doesn't want to participate. I definitely like the idea of swingers clubs in theory, although of course, there are some practical details that make me anxious. But it's a moot point anyway.

I do have to do some more reading on STIs. I know I am completely clean.

The Ethical Slut helped me feel more normal in my desires, and that was really helpful since I've spent the last month feeling like an unnatural, selfish freak. Henry and I have done a lot of communicating about this to make sure we're both okay with it and our relationship. We're finding that my fling with the other man has actually improved our marriage. I think the book will help us relate to each other better, although obviously many sections will not apply to us.

I actually did make a profile on OKC, but it seems that single guys just don't seem to get it, despite my profile being quite clear about what I want and what I'm looking for.

I also figured longtime married men would be less likely to have STIs, since they've had fewer partners. But yes, I do assume they are lying to me, too.
 
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