brambles38
New member
9Hello, everyone. I really need to speak with poly people right now. I've just come out of an eight-year relationship (with Max) which we established as 'open' about four years ago. In that time I had two short-term relationships with other people. Max was jealous, but we worked through it.
It was my idea to open the relationship, partly because I met people who I wanted to be closer to, and partly because there were emotional and intimacy needs that were not being met for me by Max, It's for this last reason that I ended it. It was a messy break-up, as in the meantime, I met another person (Milo) during a trip to Europe.
Max's response was so explosive and abusive I knew I wasn't willing to work through it again, and the relationship was not worth saving, in any case. I see now that I did kind of insist on an open thing, and he wasn't totally happy about it. But truthfully, I could not have stayed in that relationship for eight years if I had not had more satisfying, though brief, connections with others. It's unhealthy, I know. But I am being honest. I am working on salvaging our friendship now.
Meantime, I have connected deeply with Milo from Europe, and now have overwhelming NRE in our agonising LDR. I had already planned to relocate to Europe before this new relationship formed, so we have been talking a lot about things we will do as friends (travel, etc.), and then see what happens from there.
In many ways, it's too soon for me to have a relationship with another person. I am working through very new insights and confusions from my recent break up-- my feelings of insecurity, of being "too much," and "too intense" in the long-term, and that's why Max withheld emotional love and truly loving sex, etc. I am starting to project those insecurities on my LDR relationship, though I do my best to not vocalise them.
I know I was very happy having multiple relationships, but I am not sure if I truly am polyamorous or just a damaged monogamous person. I definitely have developed issues around believing I don't really deserve to have my needs met... I would loathe to have that spill over into one relationship again, let alone two or more. And yet, sometimes, a relationship is the best place to work through those things, in a healthy way. I do recognize I need to establish my independent identity again, though.
The NRE is wonderful for me, but also raises a lot of fear. But when I think of it simply as NRE, and not of me as being so in love, that this one person is the only one for me, for however long it lasts, I feel a lot better in ways.
Milo says he may want to be mono with me when I am there. This fills me with joy and fear. Joy at being definitely wanted, fear that I will hurt another person, if I really am poly. I have told him I am trying to figure out where my head is at with polyamory, and he is fine with it. But the fact Milo is monoamorous, but considers himself quite single right now, kind of hurts me. I consider myself available, yet deeply emotionally attached, and I will take into account our attachment from here on, with new people I meet. The mono mindset scares me, because I feel Milo is looking for the next "one" person. But at the same time, I do kind of want him to myself for a bit when we are together again.
Am I using polyamory to cope with my insecurities? I feel muddled. I hope this was clear enough.
It was my idea to open the relationship, partly because I met people who I wanted to be closer to, and partly because there were emotional and intimacy needs that were not being met for me by Max, It's for this last reason that I ended it. It was a messy break-up, as in the meantime, I met another person (Milo) during a trip to Europe.
Max's response was so explosive and abusive I knew I wasn't willing to work through it again, and the relationship was not worth saving, in any case. I see now that I did kind of insist on an open thing, and he wasn't totally happy about it. But truthfully, I could not have stayed in that relationship for eight years if I had not had more satisfying, though brief, connections with others. It's unhealthy, I know. But I am being honest. I am working on salvaging our friendship now.
Meantime, I have connected deeply with Milo from Europe, and now have overwhelming NRE in our agonising LDR. I had already planned to relocate to Europe before this new relationship formed, so we have been talking a lot about things we will do as friends (travel, etc.), and then see what happens from there.
In many ways, it's too soon for me to have a relationship with another person. I am working through very new insights and confusions from my recent break up-- my feelings of insecurity, of being "too much," and "too intense" in the long-term, and that's why Max withheld emotional love and truly loving sex, etc. I am starting to project those insecurities on my LDR relationship, though I do my best to not vocalise them.
I know I was very happy having multiple relationships, but I am not sure if I truly am polyamorous or just a damaged monogamous person. I definitely have developed issues around believing I don't really deserve to have my needs met... I would loathe to have that spill over into one relationship again, let alone two or more. And yet, sometimes, a relationship is the best place to work through those things, in a healthy way. I do recognize I need to establish my independent identity again, though.
The NRE is wonderful for me, but also raises a lot of fear. But when I think of it simply as NRE, and not of me as being so in love, that this one person is the only one for me, for however long it lasts, I feel a lot better in ways.
Milo says he may want to be mono with me when I am there. This fills me with joy and fear. Joy at being definitely wanted, fear that I will hurt another person, if I really am poly. I have told him I am trying to figure out where my head is at with polyamory, and he is fine with it. But the fact Milo is monoamorous, but considers himself quite single right now, kind of hurts me. I consider myself available, yet deeply emotionally attached, and I will take into account our attachment from here on, with new people I meet. The mono mindset scares me, because I feel Milo is looking for the next "one" person. But at the same time, I do kind of want him to myself for a bit when we are together again.
Am I using polyamory to cope with my insecurities? I feel muddled. I hope this was clear enough.
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