Two options. Trying to understand choice.
- Thread starter Astirarose
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Astirarose
New member
I know that all of this comes down to, being afraid of the private intimacy.
We havent had this yet. This is my roadblock.
So, how does everyone rationalize,or think of it?
I'm close to it, I can feel it.
I can masturbate thinking of my husband with another woman (even if I'm not present in the fantasy), and I can get pretty turned on. I get turned on by the pleasure I know he is enjoying.
In reality though it gets incredibly twingy, and I freak and want to stop it.
Threesomes turn me on. The emotions, the "love" that might grow, and the intimacy with it. Thats my roadblock.
Its something we want though.. we dont want to be swingers (without emotions and relationships involved).
So, all of this... everything I wrote comes down to this.
How do you all get over, and even enjoy knowing your partner is having sex with someone else, without you there.?
We havent had this yet. This is my roadblock.
So, how does everyone rationalize,or think of it?
I'm close to it, I can feel it.
I can masturbate thinking of my husband with another woman (even if I'm not present in the fantasy), and I can get pretty turned on. I get turned on by the pleasure I know he is enjoying.
In reality though it gets incredibly twingy, and I freak and want to stop it.
Threesomes turn me on. The emotions, the "love" that might grow, and the intimacy with it. Thats my roadblock.
Its something we want though.. we dont want to be swingers (without emotions and relationships involved).
So, all of this... everything I wrote comes down to this.
How do you all get over, and even enjoy knowing your partner is having sex with someone else, without you there.?
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Personally? I've never been super into sex with multiple people. And when I think about my partners having sex with their other people, it doesn't get me off. I don't sexualize it. It's a thing that they do that makes them happy. And to that extent I'm grateful. But it's not a getting off on thing... is that part important to you?
When my established partner started having sex with someone new for the first time it hurt, it felt scary and bad. I went and hung out with friends and spent a lot of the night in tears. It was rough watching him fall in love and for awhile it hurt ever time he had a date. That was 10 years ago now. It's hard to even remember the intensity of those feelings. Because I got used to it. Because it became normal. Because we stayed together and kept working. Because I fell in love and dated other people. Because I saw and spoke to more poly people and sorted out some of my insecurity.
The reason I could sit through the pain and fear was because at the very very base of it I was poly. I NEEDED to sort this out so that I could have ethical relationships with the people I loved. And it simply got easier. I'm not sure when I started to feel more happiness and excitement at my partner(s) other partners/lovers/spouses... but somewhere in there that's how it started to feel.
I don't think there is anyway for you to do this painlessly. I mean, clearly you are already in pain about how our husband has chosen to pursue non-monogamy. And I think it's safe to assume that when/if he has sex with someone else for the first time (and the second and third) that it will probably hurt you. No amount of prep work will take away that sting. Are you willing to do it? Will you willing go through that pain, not knowing when it or if it'll get better? Because for me that answer had to be yes. I was not monogamous. I could not be myself and happy in a monogamous relationship. So when I went through that first round of pain I was doing it for myself. I honestly don't know if I could have done it if it was just for him.
So who are you doing it for? Are you willing to take on that emotional work? (you clearly already have taken on a lot of emotional work and sex hasn't been added in yet) non-monogamy isn't safe and painless. But neither is monogamy. For me the work has paid off 1000x over. But I did it for me.
Astirarose
New member
No its not important to me. I know it wont always be possible. It doesn't have to be a turn on, but If I can be happy and enjoy his enjoyment, it feels there is a "key" there to perhaps explore in wrapping my head around the insecurity. If I can find enjoyment in his enjoyment, then I know there is something there.
Thats how I feel, like I NEED to sort this out, because I know at the base I am wired this way, and so is he. Its why I havent ever uttered the words "close this up" even if at times it feels to hard. He has at times seeing the pain I have gone through. He wants to fix it, and thats his solution. He has asked me so many times why I dont close it. I really feel this is us. If I could just get through these hang ups.
Its for me, its for him. Ive already shown I'm willing to do the painful work.. even if sometimes I want to space that painful work out a bit. The painful work sometimes I think is actually harder on him.. and I'm trying to find a way to make it easier. Because his inclination is to stop when he see's me in pain. And I also look very forward to also having a connection with someone else. Its something I want very much as well. So its not a case of him wanting to be poly and me not. We equally want this, for the same reasons.
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Well if you are doing it for yourself, I would say just do it. Stop trying to control his behavior and let him start connecting sexually with other people solo. And then sit in that pain and deal with it. There isn't a way out of it. There isn't a way around it. It's going to hurt the first time if it's today or in two years. Dragging out when it happens is only going to drag out the time of hurt and uncertainty.
If you can say: Hey I need six months at this new place to find friends and a support system. Or you can say: Hey can you do it on this day when I know I'll have support? then say it.
When my partner started seeing his first new person. I asked them to put of sex for months because I was scared. And they did. And it still hurt just as much when it happened. It just drew out the period of me feeling bad for controlling them and wondering if I could really do it and sitting in sad. Once they started having sex I could start working on feeling better. I saw that it didn't wreck what my partner and I had and I could start climbing out of the hole that my society put me in and that I unkowingly was helping to dig.
This is the advice I would give myself. If you know this is who you are then rip the bandage off instead of slowly letting it pull out all your hairs and scabs. Let your wounds breathe. Let them hurt. And move forward.
If you can say: Hey I need six months at this new place to find friends and a support system. Or you can say: Hey can you do it on this day when I know I'll have support? then say it.
When my partner started seeing his first new person. I asked them to put of sex for months because I was scared. And they did. And it still hurt just as much when it happened. It just drew out the period of me feeling bad for controlling them and wondering if I could really do it and sitting in sad. Once they started having sex I could start working on feeling better. I saw that it didn't wreck what my partner and I had and I could start climbing out of the hole that my society put me in and that I unkowingly was helping to dig.
This is the advice I would give myself. If you know this is who you are then rip the bandage off instead of slowly letting it pull out all your hairs and scabs. Let your wounds breathe. Let them hurt. And move forward.
Astirarose
New member
We sat and realized in reality we are 4 months into all of this, of actual hard experiences and reading and reaching out.
Not giving ourselves enough time to adjust to something that is so different then how we were brought up. Just giving each other the time to go through the swings that will happen with learning something new like this.
We cancelled any plans for the past weekend and backed up from everything. It was a choice made by both of us. We needed it. We had been ignoring a lot around us focusing on processing through everything, and our life became poly. It was pretty much all we've talked about for about 2 months.
While the communication has been amazing, and frustrating at times, we needed a breather.
It helped a lot. We did talk, but not until after we spend some real time together not talking about poly, spent some time with the kids. Enjoyed the weather this past weekend.
I feel much calmer, so does he. He is still trying to figure out if this is something he wants to persue. I believe he leans towards yes (He wants to, but he didnt anticipate how hard it actually would be).
He didnt anticipate the pain I would go through, which in turn would cause him pain, and feel guilty.
With all that said, I feel much better in pursuing this, I believe he does too.
He and I are in a very good spot right now, and have tried to put in some plans to make sure no one feels forced, no one feels rushed, but also no one feels held back.
I feel much more confident in knowing I can go through the hard things in front of us.
We know we don't want restrictions (Or at least ones that can change over time, as we get more comfortable in this).
I am starting from a place, where I was one of those girls who got jealous if He even looked at another woman.
I never liked that about me, that I could get so jealous over something so natural.
I know we need to just jump over that fence and stop teetering one way or another.
Again appreciate all your responses, and candidness. Sugar coating is not something that works in this situation is it ? Lol
Not giving ourselves enough time to adjust to something that is so different then how we were brought up. Just giving each other the time to go through the swings that will happen with learning something new like this.
We cancelled any plans for the past weekend and backed up from everything. It was a choice made by both of us. We needed it. We had been ignoring a lot around us focusing on processing through everything, and our life became poly. It was pretty much all we've talked about for about 2 months.
While the communication has been amazing, and frustrating at times, we needed a breather.
It helped a lot. We did talk, but not until after we spend some real time together not talking about poly, spent some time with the kids. Enjoyed the weather this past weekend.
I feel much calmer, so does he. He is still trying to figure out if this is something he wants to persue. I believe he leans towards yes (He wants to, but he didnt anticipate how hard it actually would be).
He didnt anticipate the pain I would go through, which in turn would cause him pain, and feel guilty.
With all that said, I feel much better in pursuing this, I believe he does too.
He and I are in a very good spot right now, and have tried to put in some plans to make sure no one feels forced, no one feels rushed, but also no one feels held back.
I feel much more confident in knowing I can go through the hard things in front of us.
We know we don't want restrictions (Or at least ones that can change over time, as we get more comfortable in this).
I am starting from a place, where I was one of those girls who got jealous if He even looked at another woman.
I never liked that about me, that I could get so jealous over something so natural.
I know we need to just jump over that fence and stop teetering one way or another.
Again appreciate all your responses, and candidness. Sugar coating is not something that works in this situation is it ? Lol
anamikanon
New member
I think it is one of those things you have to live through, come the other side and then review whether it was the end of the world or not. If it was exceptionally traumatic, you always can go back to monogamy 
I suspect you will find that you're building it up in your mind. The unknown can be quite intimidating.
Congratulations on having come this far from the previous paranoid stalking. I think you are focusing on the problems more than appreciating how far you have managed to sort things out with youself. The rest will happen too. Don't fuss the details. Keep yourself busy, and know that everything passes. Even a date.
For what it is worth, I think having your husband's date's husband to give you company is a terrible idea and worse than being alone, because the biggest common conversation factor you will have is those two. Much better to catch a film or masturbate or whatever if you don't have other company. Getting a pedicure or head/body massage works too as a solution to all problems needing to get through time (at least for me). Being touched and being comfortable and feeling pampered always helps.
I suspect you will find that you're building it up in your mind. The unknown can be quite intimidating.Congratulations on having come this far from the previous paranoid stalking. I think you are focusing on the problems more than appreciating how far you have managed to sort things out with youself. The rest will happen too. Don't fuss the details. Keep yourself busy, and know that everything passes. Even a date.
For what it is worth, I think having your husband's date's husband to give you company is a terrible idea and worse than being alone, because the biggest common conversation factor you will have is those two. Much better to catch a film or masturbate or whatever if you don't have other company. Getting a pedicure or head/body massage works too as a solution to all problems needing to get through time (at least for me). Being touched and being comfortable and feeling pampered always helps.
Astirarose
New member
I think it is one of those things you have to live through, come the other side and then review whether it was the end of the world or not. If it was exceptionally traumatic, you always can go back to monogamy
Congratulations on having come this far from the previous paranoid stalking. I think you are focusing on the problems more than appreciating how far you have managed to sort things out with youself. The rest will happen too. Don't fuss the details. Keep yourself busy, and know that everything passes. Even a date.
For what it is worth, I think having your husband's date's husband to give you company is a terrible idea and worse than being alone, because the biggest common conversation factor you will have is those two. Much better to catch a film or masturbate or whatever if you don't have other company. Getting a pedicure or head/body massage works too as a solution to all problems needing to get through time (at least for me). Being touched and being comfortable and feeling pampered always helps.
The masturbating, bwahahaha.
But yes, I'm working on finding a friend to come over. Ive been networking within our poly community here, and hopefully I will have someone when I need it.