Unbalanced?

B

Blu

New member
So a few weeks ago, my bf Frank brought his other girlfriend Hera over to our house. I knew that Hera was attracted to me, and being a heterosexual male, Frank was really excited to see us both together. We had fun, nothing serious like sex, then went out to dinner together. It was nice.

About a two weeks ago we all got together again and had more fun.

So far, I like this triad, but I have a few concerns.
- I am not so much bisexual as heteroflexible; i.e., I am willing to be with a woman, and I really like Hera, but I don't really feel sexual attraction.
- I do feel romantically attracted to Hera, but I worry I might be leading her on or something.
- Frank is uncomfortable with me being with another guy. We talked it out, and I chose to stay monogamous to him in that sense. But lately I've been feeling like I would like another man, not in a needy way, but like an itch in the back of my mind. This feeling comes and goes every once in a while.

I really just wanted to write down how weird it feels to be in this situation. I don't want to make Hera feel unwanted, or Frank hurt, but I kind of feel left out, because Frank is fine with Hera dating other guys. I know that the only way for that feeling to go away is to tell both Hera and Frank what I want and how I feel. I hope I get the opportunity soon. (I don't get to see her very often.)

On a side note, I told Frank offhand that I thought one of our male friends was cute. Frank said, "I think he's cute too." This response is classic Frank, completely open-ended. I have been wondering since-- did he misinterpret my meaning and answer it in a platonic way, or does he have attraction to this friend, as well? And if so, could I pursue him without Frank getting hurt?

Eh. Feeling lost...
 
Sounds like you know what you want to do...
I know that the only way for that feeling to go away is to tell both H and F what I want and how I feel, and I hope I get the opportunity soon (I don't get to see H very often).
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but perhaps need encouragement to go ahead and touch base with both people to set a date/time to have those talks?

Go for it! Hopefully you will feel better getting that out there in general.

Hopefully you can also renegotiate agreements that no longer fit so you too can be free to date other people like you want.

Galagirl
 
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Yup. Just be completely and totally straightforward. There's no other way to clear this up. It'll be hard, but it'll be much harder to untangle things in the long run if you don't take that path.

And seriously, an OPP for one of your partners and not another is just kind of weird? What is the deal with that?
 
Hi Blu. :) I'm Jim.

From personal experience, I'd say the best approach is honesty without expectations. Frank is likely to have some strong opposition, and even make a good case to keep things as they are. You state he is open-minded, and if he is, the initial conversation won't be the last one, nor will it be the final word.

Be clear about what you are feeling. Avoid being wishy-washy, and at the same time, be kind. If you bring it up and he recoils, be understanding, but don't retract your feelings. That will only confuse him more.

Be clear that you are having a discussion. That is not the same as making demands or changing agreements unilaterally. Give him some time to get used to the idea and allow him to establish comfort. Be prepared for frustration and overload, and be willing to recognize the signs of those and take breaks.

These conversations aren't easy for either partner. Partners work together to achieve common goals. I wish all of you the very best.
 
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