MsEmotional
Member
I would be open to this.
Unplanned Pregnancy!?!?
- Thread starter MsEmotional
- Start date
I would be open to this.
Yeah, I think you did well to tell him.
So, um, how important is that paternity test to your future living and caregiving arrangements?
Edit: Sorry, I didn't see the post just above.
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MsEmotional
Member
Update 4/18
I think terminating the pregnancy is off the table for me. Glasses has a friend from work who has been trying to adopt for a long time. She and her partner want an open adoption and I am considering this if we can’t find a way to keep the baby ourselves.
I think terminating the pregnancy is off the table for me. Glasses has a friend from work who has been trying to adopt for a long time. She and her partner want an open adoption and I am considering this if we can’t find a way to keep the baby ourselves.
endusal
New member
That makes much better sense and is very understandable.
I would write the decision is ultimately yours and I'm glad it's looking like you won't be pressured to do something you don't want. It's good that you're looking into other solutions. I hope this works out for you all.
Sageflutterby
Member
This statement stood out to me because it should not matter whether there is a second person "on the hook" for a lifetime of parental obligations and support. I have always made my decisions for my body and the pregnancies I carried from the position of assuming I will have no support but my own.
Your partners could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you would be raising the child by yourself without anyone on the hook for parental obligations and support. You cannot control the future. If you are going to consider all the possibilities before making a decision, you should also consider the ones that don't seem likely because we tend to skirt away from associations with death and bad things.
And it shouldn't be about parental obligations anyways. It should also be about the child and what kind of quality of life the child will have. We can't force people to be good parents. We can't force financial support when we need it.
I feel strongly that your decision making shouldn't be based on who or who is not on the hook. It should be based on whether or not you want the child and if you think you are capable of sustaining a good life for the child, with or without the support of a partner. This in no way indicates that your current partners are not good or would not support you.
I am pragmatic in my viewpoint about child rearing and parental expectations. I have never asked for child support for any of my children despite being a single mom for a good portion of my adult life. I always hoped the father would be there and be a good father, but I never measured that in support or obligation. And thankfully the partners I had children with gave of their self to their child without external pressures.
You should make decisions on what you are certain that you can provide. It's easier to plan contingencies that way.
I really don't feel anyone can offer you definitive advice regarding what you "should" or "shouldn't" do here - there are too many variables.
The one thing I WILL say, MsEmotional, is that only YOU can and should make this decision, on the basis of whether or not YOU want the child... AND what YOU believe you can live with for the rest of your life and/or the child's.
From what you've written, I get the feeling you're going to struggle with the knowledge that you terminated this pregnancy if that ends up being your choice. IF that's the case, do NOT let either man unduly influence you to make that move. That would be one HUGE regret, and it's likely you'd end up resenting one or both of the guys.
No, I'm not some rabid pro-lifer. Having had a pregnancy scare when I was very young (albeit, not whilst poly) I've had to contemplate what I'd do in a similar situation, and certainly don't have it all figured out. This is definitely a dilemma one can only solve on a case-by-case basis.
The one thing I WILL say, MsEmotional, is that only YOU can and should make this decision, on the basis of whether or not YOU want the child... AND what YOU believe you can live with for the rest of your life and/or the child's.
From what you've written, I get the feeling you're going to struggle with the knowledge that you terminated this pregnancy if that ends up being your choice. IF that's the case, do NOT let either man unduly influence you to make that move. That would be one HUGE regret, and it's likely you'd end up resenting one or both of the guys.
No, I'm not some rabid pro-lifer. Having had a pregnancy scare when I was very young (albeit, not whilst poly) I've had to contemplate what I'd do in a similar situation, and certainly don't have it all figured out. This is definitely a dilemma one can only solve on a case-by-case basis.
MsEmotional
Member
Update 4/22
So I am getting pretty emotional about everything. Three more weeks until we can do paternity testing.
My ideal is that we will create a perfect open adoption in which Ponytail, Glasses and I all remain integral adults in the child’s life.
But I am also sensing that, now that Ponytail has recovered from some of the initial shock and fear, he is feeling sad about the idea of placing the baby for adoption.
Meanwhile, my mom and sister are both urging me to reconsider abortion. I got irritated with both of them because I am finally happy now that I am no longer considering abortion and have the support of both partners with that decision. It’s hard when they love so far away. They don’t know Ponytail really at all.
What drives me nuts is that my sister keeps talking about how the only thing she is concerned about is my mental health — and yet they are bringing up abortion again, which is the only option that literally makes me feel suicidal. It makes me feel like their whole “we’ll support you no matter what” thing is really “we’ll support you until you eliminate an option we were hoping you’d take.”
So I am getting pretty emotional about everything. Three more weeks until we can do paternity testing.
My ideal is that we will create a perfect open adoption in which Ponytail, Glasses and I all remain integral adults in the child’s life.
But I am also sensing that, now that Ponytail has recovered from some of the initial shock and fear, he is feeling sad about the idea of placing the baby for adoption.
Meanwhile, my mom and sister are both urging me to reconsider abortion. I got irritated with both of them because I am finally happy now that I am no longer considering abortion and have the support of both partners with that decision. It’s hard when they love so far away. They don’t know Ponytail really at all.
What drives me nuts is that my sister keeps talking about how the only thing she is concerned about is my mental health — and yet they are bringing up abortion again, which is the only option that literally makes me feel suicidal. It makes me feel like their whole “we’ll support you no matter what” thing is really “we’ll support you until you eliminate an option we were hoping you’d take.”
Ravenscroft
Banned
Even if you have a super-close friend who lives next door who's going to adopt, I doubt your vision of the future is at all realistic. More likely that you'll be about at the same level of the cousins you only see at Christmas & weddings & funerals. (I'd feel uncomfortable trying to regularly wedge ONE adult stranger into my life, & introducing nonresident co-parents could undermine my parental authority.)
Where's the polyamory? Why haven't you already brought these points up & resolved them, rather than continuing to guess & assume then worry about what you talk yourself into believing might possibly happen?
MsEmotional
Member
The reason that I am trying to stay out of Ponytail’s face about his feelings is that he processes emotions much more slowly than Glasses or I do. So if I “get the sense” of an emotion from him, it is safe to say that he won’t be ready to talk about it (and might not be even aware of it) for a few days to a week. That’s why it is generally a good thing that we have a few more weeks before any next steps can be taken — it gives Ponytail that much more time to process his feelings.
As far as the adoption, this is something I am definitely aware of. Glasses seems confident that his friends would be interested in a pretty high level of contact and openness, but I recognize that this would be a unique thing to ask for.
Try to let the emotions settle and the news to sink in before making any hasty decisions (either being swayed by what others think/advise when it comes to abortion, or prematurely letting another couple believe you're definitely going to adopt the child out after birth.)
I can't help thinking that with three mature adults in the picture - one of whom claims to want kids + two other children in the house (the potential baby's siblings) - that there wouldn't be a way to keep the baby and share the responsibility of childcare and the costs of raising him/her around, no matter who the biological father turns out to be.
It seems to me that that "should" be one of the perks of polyamory, since you guys have more or less a kitchen table style going on. That said, I've never been faced with this exact dilemma, don't know the financial/work situation of those in your polycule, and it may be too much to ask of any/all involved.
Regardless of what you ultimately decide, everyone will have to get on the same page about birth control, asap. (I remember that, just prior to finding out you were pregnant, this was the topic of a thread you started, MsEmotional.)
I can't help thinking that with three mature adults in the picture - one of whom claims to want kids + two other children in the house (the potential baby's siblings) - that there wouldn't be a way to keep the baby and share the responsibility of childcare and the costs of raising him/her around, no matter who the biological father turns out to be.
It seems to me that that "should" be one of the perks of polyamory, since you guys have more or less a kitchen table style going on. That said, I've never been faced with this exact dilemma, don't know the financial/work situation of those in your polycule, and it may be too much to ask of any/all involved.
Regardless of what you ultimately decide, everyone will have to get on the same page about birth control, asap. (I remember that, just prior to finding out you were pregnant, this was the topic of a thread you started, MsEmotional.)
I'm so glad you're not going for abortion. I was biting my lips (or fingers, lol) not to write anything on that topic (thus adding pressure) before you decided, but feeling the dissonance of you wanting a third child... and contemplating abortion... painful even as conveyed across half of the globe.
An abortion definitely can lead to huge psychological problems - I've seen that with a friend of mine.
It's a tough situation. You're handling this very well.
Ugh, Tinwen. Having KIDS can lead to huge psychological problems too - I've seen that happen with many friends of mine! So what? Doesn't have anything to do with MsEmotional.
Your first instinct was right--biting your lips.
You are right that it's a relief that MsEmotional has come to the decision that's right for her. But it has nothing to do with your personal feelings about abortion (which are apparently based on the experience of a one random friend of yours).
MsEmotional
Member
Hello everyone.
I have decided that this thread isn't really appropriate for the "Poly Relationships Corner" anymore. It's less about my original question and more about updates and my thoughts and feelings while decision-making.
For that reason, I have decided to stop posting here and continue any further updates over at my blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=392247#post392247 Skip to post #105 that I just made today if you don't want to scroll through the first 104 posts before the pregnancy thing happened.
No need to continue to follow over there just because you've been watching this thread. I just wanted to make sure that anyone searching for threads on the topic of polyamory, unplanned pregnancy, and uncertain paternity would be able to connect this thread to the rest of the story and see how this situation turns out.
I have decided that this thread isn't really appropriate for the "Poly Relationships Corner" anymore. It's less about my original question and more about updates and my thoughts and feelings while decision-making.
For that reason, I have decided to stop posting here and continue any further updates over at my blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=392247#post392247 Skip to post #105 that I just made today if you don't want to scroll through the first 104 posts before the pregnancy thing happened.
No need to continue to follow over there just because you've been watching this thread. I just wanted to make sure that anyone searching for threads on the topic of polyamory, unplanned pregnancy, and uncertain paternity would be able to connect this thread to the rest of the story and see how this situation turns out.
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