So I have a boyfriend right now who I really like, because we are both country and click when we are together. But sometimes I feel as if he is just using poly and dating me as a guise for sex. I have brought up this feeling to him and he says he truly does care, and wants to be here to help me through all the issues I am having. I just got diagnosed officially with a late onset of PTSD from an old abusive relationship. A little background on how he acts. When we first started talking we would text all day while he was on vacation. He asked me to be his girlfriend and said he just wanted to date me. He came back from vacation and we ended up having sex, he texted some here and there because he has a very busy job so I understand that, and then invited me to his house for a movie date night since I wasn't feeling up to going out anywhere. (2 kids ages 3 and 11 when I get time to go out I want quiet sometimes lol) So I went over and yes again sex happened and then we cuddled and watched movies and talked and had a great night. Now it seems as if he is pulling away some. He says he doesn't want to "close off" our relationship just yet until we've been together for awhile, and we all figure out what is going on in our lives since my husband and I may be moving to FL. And he hardly really texts me or will just die off in mid text conversation. My husband thinks he may have found someone else or already have a girlfreind so I figured I would see what everyone else thinks. Because if he is using me or whatever I really am going to think about breaking it off.
Using polyamory as a guise?
- Thread starter Kittykate
- Start date
We don't care if he is dating someone else, but one of the general rules we have set up with people we date is if you are dating or having relations with others all we ask is for a "Hey I am doing this just so you know" that way we kind of have a general sense of hey our partners are with 6 people right now so time is going to be short with them or hey they are going from person to person sexually we need to get tested more just to be safe.
WhatHappened
Active member
Maybe he's backing off because you may be packing up and leaving. What reason does he have to get emotionally invested with someone who is clearly telling him he's not worth hanging around for?
Kind of like you and your husband making decisions together on what new car each of you will get? Maybe your BF doesn't appreciate someone he's not dating making decisions on him, with you, as if he (the BF) is your new toy with no mind or thought or feeling or life of his own.
Maybe not. I only know that had my BF informed me he and his wife 'make decisions on me' as a team, as if I'm immaterial to their decisions, I would have broken up with him then and there.
Dagferi
Well-known member
Why does your husband get a say in relationships that are not his own?
If you two have just had two "dates" and texted back in forth he doesn't owe you anything. He has told you flat out he doesn't want to be committed to you.
Why wouldn't you be practicing safe sex with someone you hardly know or don't trust? Why wouldn't you be getting tested anyway?
If you two have just had two "dates" and texted back in forth he doesn't owe you anything. He has told you flat out he doesn't want to be committed to you.
Why wouldn't you be practicing safe sex with someone you hardly know or don't trust? Why wouldn't you be getting tested anyway?
We do practice safe sex and get tested no matter what. We just like knowing how many partners our partners have in case anything ever happened. And I just found out the reason why he was backing off so no more need for the post. And my husband and I set it up this way because it works for us. I come from an abusive relationship so I like having his input. That doesn't mean he controls my relationships or I control his it just means that we take in account what it'll do for our family since we do have children, and I do have PTSD issues. It is just how we do things and it has always worked for us.
LovingRadiance
Active member
There is nothing wrong with wanting honesty and forthrightness about dating with all of your partners, regardless of how new they are.
There is also nothing wrong with the fact that you and your husband (who was already a current partner) happen to have discussed and agreed to that (in fact-wouldn't everyone HOPE that before you started dating anyone including each other that you were in agreement?)
There is also nothing wrong with ensuring that you and any new potential partners ALSO agree.
If those are your terms, I would expect that EVERY PARTNER YOU HAVE agrees to them. That would INCLUDE your husband.
Sometimes people on here get SO defensive about "couple privilege" that they forget-the spouse IS A PARTNER TOO and anyone who has a partner SHOULD HAVE NEGOTIATED what they are comfortable with in their relationship AND in having additional relationships.
So it should be OBVIOUS that you and your husband agreeing that to open, forthright communication from any/all partners regarding the existence of any/all partners is *actually* a sign of GOOD communication and functional effort on your parts.
If you have DIFFERENT expectations-that would be a sign that more discussion is needed in order to decide if your relationship is tenable. That would be true of all partners as well.
In this case it appears that there was a question of whether or not the second partner was on board, further discussion was needed.
THAT her husband agrees with her terms does not in any way imply that he is controlling or determining the terms of her other relationship. It ONLY acknowledges that he has agreed to those terms. Period. Nothing more, nothing less.
There is also nothing wrong with the fact that you and your husband (who was already a current partner) happen to have discussed and agreed to that (in fact-wouldn't everyone HOPE that before you started dating anyone including each other that you were in agreement?)
There is also nothing wrong with ensuring that you and any new potential partners ALSO agree.
If those are your terms, I would expect that EVERY PARTNER YOU HAVE agrees to them. That would INCLUDE your husband.
Sometimes people on here get SO defensive about "couple privilege" that they forget-the spouse IS A PARTNER TOO and anyone who has a partner SHOULD HAVE NEGOTIATED what they are comfortable with in their relationship AND in having additional relationships.
So it should be OBVIOUS that you and your husband agreeing that to open, forthright communication from any/all partners regarding the existence of any/all partners is *actually* a sign of GOOD communication and functional effort on your parts.
If you have DIFFERENT expectations-that would be a sign that more discussion is needed in order to decide if your relationship is tenable. That would be true of all partners as well.
In this case it appears that there was a question of whether or not the second partner was on board, further discussion was needed.
THAT her husband agrees with her terms does not in any way imply that he is controlling or determining the terms of her other relationship. It ONLY acknowledges that he has agreed to those terms. Period. Nothing more, nothing less.
Hubby and I--and Guy and I, for that matter--have agreed to tell each other about anyone else we see. And we've agreed that if we have a specific reason for not wanting each other to see a specific person, we can say so.
However, our other partners are told this up front. Last weekend when I went on a first date with a guy I'd met online, S2, when we decided to move the date from walking around the city to his place, I made it clear that I would be telling my husband and my boyfriend, and that for safety's sake I would be texting Hubby S2's address. S2 had the opportunity to say he wasn't okay with that, in which case the date would have ended there; I also come from an abusive relationship and had...some really bad things done to me as a child, so I am not willing to go anywhere with anyone I don't know well, without having someone I trust be completely aware of where I am.
Likewise, when Guy started seeing a woman in his area, he told her up front that he and I have a full disclosure policy, and gave her the choice of not meeting up if she wasn't comfortable with that.
We don't force others to live by our rules. However, *we* choose to live by them, and the three of us have discussed the agreements thoroughly with one another. Hubby and I made the agreements we have because I'd seen too many open marriages fall apart because of misunderstandings or one spouse choosing to ignore the other's concerns. The agreements Guy and I have are some of the same ones Hubby and I have, because that's what Guy and I were comfortable with. But no one controls anyone else, and as Hubby points out, just because we have these rules doesn't mean we can't negotiate them. Or choose to ignore them, as long as we're prepared for consequences like arguments and breaking of trust.
However, our other partners are told this up front. Last weekend when I went on a first date with a guy I'd met online, S2, when we decided to move the date from walking around the city to his place, I made it clear that I would be telling my husband and my boyfriend, and that for safety's sake I would be texting Hubby S2's address. S2 had the opportunity to say he wasn't okay with that, in which case the date would have ended there; I also come from an abusive relationship and had...some really bad things done to me as a child, so I am not willing to go anywhere with anyone I don't know well, without having someone I trust be completely aware of where I am.
Likewise, when Guy started seeing a woman in his area, he told her up front that he and I have a full disclosure policy, and gave her the choice of not meeting up if she wasn't comfortable with that.
We don't force others to live by our rules. However, *we* choose to live by them, and the three of us have discussed the agreements thoroughly with one another. Hubby and I made the agreements we have because I'd seen too many open marriages fall apart because of misunderstandings or one spouse choosing to ignore the other's concerns. The agreements Guy and I have are some of the same ones Hubby and I have, because that's what Guy and I were comfortable with. But no one controls anyone else, and as Hubby points out, just because we have these rules doesn't mean we can't negotiate them. Or choose to ignore them, as long as we're prepared for consequences like arguments and breaking of trust.
Communication seems to be the key issue here bringing things into question. He may be pulling away because you guys might be moving to FL, as others have pointed out. He might be seeing someone else, but unless you've made agreements otherwise, there's no reason he shouldn't be. He's not willing to commit at this juncture until more time has been put into the relationship, and under the circumstances of a possible move, he may be seeing that is not possible.
It's also entirely possible life is distracting him -- work, family, other obligations and entertainments. It happens. It may be that, after the initial glow wears off, that he's not a comfortable texter and prefers some other form of communication.
However, the only way to really be sure, is to ask him and be willing to accept his answer. Otherwise you and I and all the rest of us are just guessing.
I talked to him today and then we found out he is seeing someone else and didn't tell us. So he pretty much didn't follow the honesty rule 
And I love how we have our rules and relationships set up. It really helps us weed out who is in it for not just a relationship with one of us but both of us (friendship wise) as well. My husband and I have a full open honesty policy in our relationship. We see everything and talk about everything and we like for our partners to be open and communicate as well. It has truly saved us several times with wasting time on people who were just in it for sex or trying to take a partner away from the other.
And I love how we have our rules and relationships set up. It really helps us weed out who is in it for not just a relationship with one of us but both of us (friendship wise) as well. My husband and I have a full open honesty policy in our relationship. We see everything and talk about everything and we like for our partners to be open and communicate as well. It has truly saved us several times with wasting time on people who were just in it for sex or trying to take a partner away from the other.@lovingradiance.
She actually said that her and her husband make decisions on people together. The Op went onto say that she expects her partners to be in relationships with both of them.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Of some sort. I expect my friends to be in relationship of some sort with all of my household as well. They may not be friends. But they are at least acquaintances. Otherwise they arent my friends much less lovers. If they arent close enough to me to know my household, they sure as hell arent close enough for me to take time away from my family to see.
Just saying.
I know what she said.
The bottomline is it works for them. They arent complaining that someone doesnt want to live that way.
Its not couple privilege to find a partner who has the same preferences and lifestyle quirks as you AND to agree that you both want to limit other partners to people who also have thise same preferences and lifestyle quirks.
Theres no double standard in that and theres nothing unfair in that.
My partners and I want a drug free lifestyle. Any new partners ANY of us takes must be drug free.
Likewise with dog-friendly, kid-friendly, financially self sustaining, over 30, living locally, AND honest and forthright about having other partners.
BECAUSE-our ability to guage safer sex decisions delends upon whether or not additional partners exist.
Period.
So I suppose that would be "V relationship privilege".
Eyeroll
Its called, negotiated and agreed to terms and additional people would need to be people who were also comfortable with those terms. Otherwise why woukd they want to BE WITH ANY OF US.
Just saying.
I know what she said.
The bottomline is it works for them. They arent complaining that someone doesnt want to live that way.
Its not couple privilege to find a partner who has the same preferences and lifestyle quirks as you AND to agree that you both want to limit other partners to people who also have thise same preferences and lifestyle quirks.
Theres no double standard in that and theres nothing unfair in that.
My partners and I want a drug free lifestyle. Any new partners ANY of us takes must be drug free.
Likewise with dog-friendly, kid-friendly, financially self sustaining, over 30, living locally, AND honest and forthright about having other partners.
BECAUSE-our ability to guage safer sex decisions delends upon whether or not additional partners exist.
Period.
So I suppose that would be "V relationship privilege".
Eyeroll
Its called, negotiated and agreed to terms and additional people would need to be people who were also comfortable with those terms. Otherwise why woukd they want to BE WITH ANY OF US.
Are you shouting when you write in caps because that's how it reads. I'm not sure if you're aware.
The OP said that her and her husband make decisions about people. That is couple privilege. It's one thing to say couple privilege works for us. It's quite another to deny it's existence. I'm far more likely to consider someone who admits they structure their relationships in ways where those that have gone on the longest are privileged than someone who denies it. I've had that situation before and it felt like constant gaslighting when they'd deny everyone else's needs were secondary to their own yet treat me like dirt.
Exactly we tried dating a couple who didn't care who their main significant didn't care who they dated. I have never seen more fights in a poly marriage. There were always comments coming from someone about "who" and "where" they were going, and how they felt the other partner wasn't being respectful, and they wouldn't know what they were like because they have never met them.
We have a family and have children, and a dog. So we have a lot of days where we want to do something with the kids, but maybe my husbands partner wants to do something as well. So we make it easier for everyone and become friends with eachother. That way on days when we want to do family activities or if there is an emergency ever and the partner wants to be there for support it isn't awkward for us and doesn't take time away from the main family unit. And we like it alot better.
We make the choice on if the person would fit together and if there are reasons why we think the person won't we talk about why.
We only tried once and didn't like it at all that is why we don't do it now.
Dagferi
Well-known member
So you are basing your judgements based upon ONE screwed up poly marriage. Please do not judge people based upon one example.
Butch didn't care who I dated. He trusted my judgement. His only requests were no partners around the children for any thing other than a quick moment until we were in a committed relationship for a length of time. And respect his sexual health.
He has never felt the need to personally know who I spend my time outside the house personally whether they are just friends or more. He knows that if he calls or texts me I know it is important and I will do what is right as the situation warrants it. And Butch knows better than to just to contact me for unimportant issues.
I have kids and a house full of pets. Butch is perfectly capable of caring for them without me. I do not have people in my life who do not understand that when my children have an important event or issues going on that the kids comes first. I would hope that any sane adult would understand that. But on the other hand my world does not revolve around my kids. Adults have hobbies and etc outside the home that do not involve them. For example when it was my youngest birthday he wanted to go to the Aquarium on a weekend that was usually Murf's with me. Murf went with us too because he is a part of my family and my son wanted him there. Sometimes my kids miss a non friend classmates birthday party because it is scheduled time with Murf. Sometimes Murf and I make plans with the kids in mind and miss events like motorcycle poker runs even though we would rather hit the road with the Harley.
Murf and Butch are friendly but are not friends. Butch gets no say on Murf and Murf no say on Butch. Both understand who ever needs me most gets my time. Last month Murf lost his favorite Aunt and I had plans to take the kids to an Amusement Park with Butch. Murf's needs were more important than a trip to an amusement park. Murf and I had plans to go away for weekend to NYC before Christmas. Butch developed a hernia and needed surgery. The NYC trip was rescheduled. When I was hospitalized this spring both men were there and pulled together to take care of me.
I personally would not date someone with a couple privilege relationship model. I do not tolerate being put second class to someone else's whims. I have seen far to may primaries conveniently have one issue or another when it is the other partners time with the shared partner. One of the kids conveniently has something come up suddenly...
If he knew that this was what he was walking into why wouldn't your bf treat you as a second thought. That is how YOU are treating him.
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I am just going to leave this thread alone I am tired of having to feel like I am defending our way of poly. Besides like I said we found out what was going on anyways and after talking to him found out I was just a side piece used for sex so whatever. I don't have the patience for this right now. Our way of poly works for us. Just like your way works. Plain and simple no reason to be rude.