Very stressed about family

B

BoyF

New member
I'm the boy in Rhaenes's relationship, if anybody has read her introduction. I thought I would add my thoughts. They mainly consist of me dealing with my family at some point down the road. I realize that our poly relationship is new, and I shouldn't worry about it just yet, and I intend not to. I intend to just live and let live. But I don't feel I can ignore my family forever if I want to move in one day with my partners.

I believe Ihave a very good inkling as to how my family will react (primarily my oldest brother and mother, as my parents are divorced and my dad doesn't really know much about my personal life).

For the last few years, while I was still monogamous with my girlfriend, they tended to poke fun at my relationship at every opportunity. It was fine at first, but it almost became nonstop harassment.

I would come home for a break from college, and every single thing they mentioned was either ridicule about something I hadn't done (finding a job, or keeping in contact enough), but mainly about how I was "taking myself too seriously" in my relationship, and it was almost like I was destined to fail and my whole life was a big joke to them.

If I tried to defend myself, it would just go in one ear and out the other. They wouldn't even be able to see my side of the story, and would straight-up think I was lying to them! They just think that everything I tell them isn't true, like I'm a pathological liar of sorts.

My brother makes genuinely hurtful jokes about my relationship. My mother verges on verbal harassment when I have done nothing to provoke her. I think she does it because she has no outlet because my father left, so I've become the scapegoat. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I dread coming home from school because of all this. So obviously, if they found out about this, I cannot imagine what they might think.

At the top of the list would be that I'm cheating on my girlfriend with another woman, and I cant possibly love two women, and I'm just like my asshole father who cheated, etc., etc. And if my girlfriend tries to explain how loving and open we have been, and communicating about everything, and it's not an affair in the slightest, and I really do love two people, they'd think I probably brainwashed her, or something similar.

My brother is very liberal, and to a lesser degree, so is my mother, but when it comes to relationships they're very pessimistic. I think this is too farfetched for them to ever believe or accept.

What advice can you give to me so that my family doesn't entrench their false mistrust of me further?
 
Sorry, BoyF, that sucks, family like that.

I'm having a little trouble understanding why you would care what such people think of you. Do either of your girlfriends have families you could adopt?

I absolutely adore CBF's family, and they have claimed me, regardless of whether or not I'm his girlfriend (which I am no longer). I love FBF's mom too, though she's on another continent and I don't know her as well. What I find amusing, though, is that CBF loves my family. We are each not so crazy about our own families.

Anyhow, if my family treated me as badly as yours seem to do, I would quit them and quick. Now, perhaps they're putting you through school and you have some obligation. In that case, I don't think you need to say anything to them about polyamory. In fact, if they're that obnoxious, I would recommend against saying anything. If they always think you're lying, why waste your breath?

For reference, I know what I'm advising isn't easy. I cut my mother out of my life for five years (maybe it was longer) because she was intolerable. I was pushed by my dad (they were long divorced) and my therapist to speak to her again; and after I did, they both apologized for pushing me to it. :) I'm glad I did the (massive) work to make myself okay, and to make it okay for me to talk to her. But it was much more simple to cut her out.

Just because people are related by blood does not absolve them of behaving like decent human beings. If people aren't decent, you have no obligation to keep them in your life.
 
BoyF said:
If I tried to defend myself, it would just go in one ear and out the other. They wouldn't even be able to see my side of the story, and would straight up think i was lying to them. They just think that everything I tell them isn't true, like I'm a pathological liar. My brother makes genuinely hurtful jokes about my relationship. My mother verges on verbal harassment when I have done nothing to provoke her. I think she does it because she has no outlet because my father left, so I've become the scapegoat. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.
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But srsly, you cannot please all people all the time. I'm not sure if you're dealing with people who have unsettlingly poor communication skills, or if they're just razzing you and not aware that they're pushing it too far.

I would worry less about what they'll say about your relationship, and worry more about how they talk to you in general. If they feel like you're easy to walk over, they will. Planting the flag with a distinct and unmistakable "this ends, now" sounds necessary. That may bring them around to realizing they're overstepping. If not, then it's likely that very little else you can do or say is going to have any real effect.

In that instance, efforts should be made to insulate yourself and ignore the comments. There are some people that are beyond reaching, and there's no reason to engage in such a Sisyphean task.
 
BoyF said:
I would come home for a break from college and every single thing they would mention was either ridicule about something I hadnt done (finding a job, or keeping in contact enough)...
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Did you basically ignore them while you were away? Speaking as a mom, this is very important, and can be very hurtful to not hear from your kid. Even just a 5-minute phone call at least once a week can help.

but mainly about how i was "taking myself too seriously"
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Do you?

I realize that these criticisms can be hard to live with, but do they have some truth? I don't even want to remember how seriously I took myself when I was in my early 20s. :eek: I don't know how anyone could stand to live with me.

They'd think I probably brainwashed her or something similar.
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Yeah, they make us take "Brainwashing 101" in school. Apparently it works great! ;)

Dealing with blood family can be extremely painful. They tend to criticize freely, offer praise sparingly, and get very offended when our morals, politics or religious views differ from their own. It's up to us to learn how to just say "STOP! You have gone too far," and then walk away.
 
I can only offer you the advice I have been given on another forum, one dealing with being children of hoarders. In dysfunctional families, it is common for one person to be, as you said, the scapegoat. This can permit the other members to shove their misery off onto you, and thus avoid the discomfort/anxiety they would feel if they looked hard at themselves.

Communication with people like that is never pleasant, and it rarely improves, because they rarely change. As the posters above have noted, setting your boundaries is vital. They are all you have to protect yourself.

I have been told over and over on the other forum to embrace the Black Hat. Since they will label you the villain no matter what you actually do or say, claim the title, wear it with pride, twirl your moustaches, tie people to railroad tracks.

You know the truth of who you are. The non-dysfunctional people who love you know the truth about you. Sadly, your biological family, unless they seriously work on themselves, never will. You can break your heart and lose your mind beating against the wall of their mental issues.

I feel for you, and wish you the very best.
 
BoyF said:
What advice can you give to me so that my family doesn't entrench their false mistrust of me further?
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Finish school. Get a job. Move out. Do your thing. Let them spin in their vortex of false mistrust. You can either try to please them or please yourself. You can't force them to think or feel good things about anything.
 
When I created my chosen family, we became the primary family in our life. Parents and siblings at that point became extended family. Extended family has the privilege of maintaining contact based upon their being capable of treating each of us with respect. Whilst we except that they may have differing opinions and may not even like all of us-they are required to treat ALL of us with respect or they are NOT welcome. Period.

The truth is, this has been a healthy and wonderful boundary for us. In the intervening years since it was begun (that was 21 years ago), we have extended the boundary to "Anyone who wants to be involved in our life must treat all of us with respect."

The reality is that in this world there are so many variables in people (variables=details that could be different). There is no need for us to all try to be the same, not even with "family." What is important is that we learn from mistakes and move on in healthy relationships.

Your childhood family sounds dysfunctional, specifically not understanding that the right to respect from others is an acceptable boundary. That means you (having grown up in that family) need to lay down the law that this is a boundary for you, and you won't socialize with people who can't treat you and your loved ones with basic respect. You will find that it makes your future much more enjoyable than the past.
 
Thank you all for responding.

I think I wrote that post while I was fairly upset, so I may have been slightly confusing, after rereading it.

I think what I need to do is just not cause any more trauma when I'm home by revealing this to them, and for the time being just take the punches. Finish out school, move away and find work, and then, once I know I've become financially independent and feel they can't really ridicule me, then maybe I'll feel strong enough to say that they need to treat me with respect if they still want to interact with me. At this point, it feels like if I said that, they would probably laugh in my face and tell me how ungrateful I am, because I still rely on them.

But to answer why I don't really feel inclined to call my mom that often, it is because when I do call, she never seems happy to hear from me. She just rattles off these questions about schoolwork, whether I'm doing it, and what my grades are. She proceeds to make some kind of extended rant about how I'm no good at XYZ. I just sit there and ask myself how she can make our few phone calls so unpleasant. If I were her, I would be happy to hear that my son is loving his classes, etc., and not take it as an opportunity to ridicule him.
 
I think it should be mentioned that BoyF's mother would have an extra sensitivity to learning we are poly; as BoyF's father cheater on her twice, with the second leading to a divorce. She's a very traditional person who is extremely rooted in her Christian faith, and while it would certainly be easy to simply cut her our of the equation, BoyF and I:

1) Are pretty close to his brothers and their girlfriends, who are really awesome to be around when the mom isn't there feeding the flames, so we wouldn't want to lose them, and
2) Feel a certain amount of pity for Mom. She's a very judgmental person by nature, which is inexcusable, but she was also raised that extremely conservative way, so it's not entirely her fault.

She's had her trust broken multiple times, so she's extra sensitive, and because of the situation with his dad is doubly sensitive to anything that could, in the slightest, resemble cheating. So there is no doubt as to how she would interpret the situation.

However, I think she lashes out so much because she's an extremely bitter and lonely person, having lost her life companion right as her two older sons left for college. She put a lot of very grown-up responsibilities on BoyF when he was a very young teenager. This definitely contributes to the reluctance on BoyF's side to call her. He isn't exaggerating when he says that the first things out of her mouth, even when he calls her, are some kind of nagging, belittling, or guilt-tripping statements. She will complain to him about things his father hasn't done, about her insurance being confusing, about a problem with her toilets, just absurd things that are neither his responsibility or within the realm of things he could actually help her with. She's very intimidating and often unpleasant to speak with.

She has good days. On those days she's great to be around, and I feel bad for her, knowing everything she's been though. I still don't think it excuses the way she treats BoyF, but I also wonder sometimes if she knows any better.
 
Rhaenes said:
I think it should be mentioned that BoyF's mother would have an extra sensitivity to learning we are poly; as BoyF's father cheater on her two times, with the second leading to a divorce. She's a very traditional person who is extremely rooted in her christian faith, and while it would certainly be easy to simply cut her our of the equation, BoyF and I:

1) Are pretty close to his brothers and their girlfriends, who are really awesome to be around when the mom isn't there feeding the flames, so we wouldn't want to lose them, and
2) Feel a certain amount of pity for mom. She's a very judgmental person by nature, which is inexcusable, but she was also raised that extremely conservative way, so it's not entirely her fault.

She's had her trust broken multiple times, so she's extra sensitive, and because of the situation with his dad is doubly sensitive to anything that could, in the slightest, resemble cheating - so there is no doubt as to how she would interpret the situation. However, I think she lashes out so much because she's an extremely bitter and lonely person, having lost her life companion right as her two older sons left for college, and she put a lot of very grown-up responsibilities on BoyF when he was a very young teenager. (This definitely contributes to the reluctance on BoyF's side to call her... he isn't exaggerating when he says that the first things out of her mouth, even when he calls her, are some kind of nagging, belittling, or guilt-tripping. She will complain to him about things his father hasn't done, about her insurance being confusing, about a problem with her toilets... just absurd things that are neither his responsibility or within the realm of things he could actually help her with. She's very intimidating and often unpleasant to speak with.) She has good days, and on those days she's great to be around... and I feel bad for her, knowing everything she's been though. I still don't think it excuses the way she treats BoyF, but I also wonder sometimes if she knows any better.
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She has always been better at explaining what i'm feeling than i have :D
 
BoyF said:
But to answer why i dont really feel inclined to call my mom that often is because when i do call she never seems happy to hear me, she just rattles off these questions about school work and whether im doing it and what my grades are.
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LOL! Guilty (about asking a million questions), but that's my job as a mom. My son doesn't like long phone conversations either. Just a suggestion - anticipate her questions.
Hi mom, I only have a minute, but though I would just calling to say Hi! Schools good, ___ class is really boring and I'm having to work my but off in _____ class. I think I'm catching a cold, but so is everyone else, I think I'll load up with vitamin C (or such). Works tedious, but paychecks are still coming. I'm still seeing Rhaenes and things are good. HOW ARE YOU?​

She will have to answer your question before she can go back and comment on what you are doing. She may still gripe and complain, but you will know that you made the effort. You don't have to sit there and take the abuse, if things get weird, just say goodbye, and tell her you'll call her next week. The more often you do this, the easier it will be for both of you. If all else fails, just send a post card, who knows she might like that better.

This is a difficult transition for both of you. Your an adult, but not quite out on your own. It takes parents years sometimes to learn how to interact with adult children as adults. If there's counceling at school, it might not be a bad idea to talk to someone about how to navigate dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics.
 
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