SeahorsesForever
New member
CONTENT WARNING. ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR. VERY LONG MESSAGE, WHICH HAS BEEN WRITTEN IN A STATE OF EMOTIONAL EMERGENCY.
This is my first message to this forum and I wish I wouldn’t need to do it from a position where I need to reach for help.
I have been victim of abuse, gaslighting, pathological jealousy and controlling sexual behaviour in some of my previous relationships. I am also depressed, I have quite empathetic atypical brain with ADHD (with some autism spectrum traits) and I have sometimes communication problems. I have been over a year without any relationship and I recently met the most amazing person ever, who has also been a victim of abuse and also has ADHD.
Sharing our experiences made me understand how I had been abused in a better context. I had tried to forget some of the details, perhaps as self defence, and have not started a proper healing process yet. One month ago it was the first time after over eight years, when I remembered how my perception and sanity had being constantly questioned by my ex-partner. So I am just beginning my healing process.. I also understood that being a victim of abuse had sometimes made me play “their game” without even realizing it and adapting some abusive patterns myself, for which I am not proud of.
So I had met this wonderful person and then I ruined it. I totally fucked up. I ended up being a piece of **it abusive person myself.
We were hanging out and having absolutely gorgeous time, but I suddenly got very sad. I also felt sadness and shame because of my feelings being attached and connected to my partner so deeply. I wanted to avoid giving that emotional burden to them, because I care about my partner and I do not want them to be sad because of me. I did not know what to do and I was also confused, when I have been reading about emotional labour and we have talked about that concept. I knew it was very imporatant for my partner being consensual on this. I was totally lost, when I can’t really ask a consent for leaking my feelings perhaps telepathically.
So my partner sensed my sadness and asked if I am entering into some state sadness. I admitted it, but probably answered defensively and perhaps even tried to belittle my sadness. My partner thought I tried to hide my feelings or something like that, but also encouraged me that it is perfectly ok to have them and express them. For which I am grateful. Indeed I was probably trying hide them, considering the above. I just did not want to leak my shifting emotions into situation, when I was actually being super happy. So we ended up sharing this moment of sadness together.
But then my partner apparently panicked and got scared of their own deep reaction to my sadness and went into some state anxiety (we both having co-dependency issues). They said they needed some own space and after that we would have a walk to get some fresh air. I was not being explained what this was all about and I did not fully understand it. I also thought it is my fault. I was confused, because they said it would be perfectly ok and encouraged me to have and accept these feelings of sadness. I was still somehow managing it and being cool about it and didn’t worry too much.
I politely asked how much time they would need and they ended up saying 15minutes. So off I went and did my things and gave them around 30 minutes. After that I went back to ask that are you now ok, do you need any more time and would you be ready to take that walk. They said yes let’s go, but also suddenly announced feeling weird. I tried to ask what is this all about, but they did not want to talk about it. So I dropped it and they started to prepare to go outside anyway.
I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not want to blame them and I can now understand their reaction. I am trying to describe how I felt at the moment things happened and that does not mean I believe how I behaved was right thing to do, nor that my thoughts were very rational. It also hope it would help someone to not make the same mistakes I made and recognize the irrational thoughts you might have. The things is that I should have been just more understanding, but I was just incapable at that moment. I now get it that my partner was going through some really deep thoughts and emotions, which were in the first place brought up partly because of my moment of sadness and my reactions that can be triggering to a victim of abuse. I take full responsibilty for this.
When my partner said that they are feeling weird and refused to further explain it, I was starting to get triggered and I sat down to my bed to listen music that I had been playing. They started to put on clothes and came to ask if I am gonna come. I said that yes I will, I just need a few minutes. My partner asked if it is ok come next to me and I said sure. I understand that sitting to listen music without saying about it was a poor impulsive reaction from me, which is probably why they asked if it is ok to come next to me.
So we were listening music for like five minutes and I said yeah I am fine, let’s go. I had been able to overcome my anxiety about the situation. But then they didn’t want to go any more and said that either they or I should go alone. I got annoyed, because I did not even know what was going on. I have sometimes problems with my ADHD brain, when plans change suddenly when I am under a stress. Which is not an excuse and something I really should be capable of handling by now. I asked what is going on now, but I felt I got an angry response. For which I said something like that why do you appear so angry.
I think at that point my partner was ready to talk about what was going on in their head, but I wasn’t any more. My bugging brain went into some emergency mode. It thought it was not fair to get angry responses, when I didn’t even know what was going on. Also I felt that maybe I was being blamed of being sad. What I did not understand at that moment was, that they were clearly going through some personal trauma, most likely not related to me at all. Which my behaviour and bad reactions started to fuel even more.
I was triggered in situation where I was needed to keep my full emotional control, when my partner was having a mental emergency. When they are expressing their anxiety and emotions, it is not right time to get frustrated or offended. I just needed to be a caring human who gives them proper emotional support.
But instead I panicked, got frustrated and offended when they did not come forward what was their emergency, what was their anxiety all about in the first place and did not use the personal space I tried to offer. When conversation finally started I felt it was with an angry reaction to a fair question. I was annoyed that my partner thought they could just say something like "Ok let's go out, but by the way I am feeling weird". I did not think they could expect me to be just fine with it. I want to be perfectly clear that I do not blame my partner for this. This is understandable from the victim of abuse.
We tried to discuss what is happening. But the problem for me was that I felt they thought the situation had only started when I got annoyed that they didn’t want to go out any more. I got triggered because of the words they used, like “your first reaction was” referring to the moment when I got annoyed when they finally wanted to share their feelings. They thought I am tone policing them, which I might have been with my poor choise of words. For example when I asked that could you just not make assumptions say things like "your first reaction” and instead describe how you felt.
I was trying to explain how I felt hurt when someone is saying things like that. I explained it was not my first reaction. I felt like I was being accused of having some knee-jerk reaction just out of nothing and not caring. When in fact I had put huge efforts to cope with the situation and keep my calm. I had really tried to consider their mental well-being to the best of my best abilities and give them the space they needed. It is still a little bit unclear for me why I had such strong reactions like that, which I could not put into rational context. Maybe because of being gaslighted and abused, I felt like my actions and words might be twisted or misunderstood. At the same time I also wanted to say that look I was really trying to be supportive and understanding. We both could not get out of our loops and ended up being triggered more.
I remember saying, that our behaviour is not rational at the moment. So I somehow knew still what was going on at some part of my brain. Obviously it does very little to someone else, when you are unable to respect that advice on your own. After some discussions the situation did not really resolve, but I think we still avoided exchanging bad words about each other. Just arguing about things like I didn’t yell at you. I even think at many times we both agreed that by yelling they meant a different thing (talking over). Which accusation I will full accept. I was in fault. We were just too tired.
I know my feelings, reactions and responses were immature and self-absorbed and they clearly show that I need to go through some serious personal development and healing. My behaviour was not acceptable and I don’t want hide it. I should have just put my own feelings aside and listen what they had to say when they had their emotional emergency, like I said. My partner probably felt they are not getting any compassion from me and I can perfectly realize that now.
CONTINUES IN ANOTHER POST. POST TOO LONG
This is my first message to this forum and I wish I wouldn’t need to do it from a position where I need to reach for help.
I have been victim of abuse, gaslighting, pathological jealousy and controlling sexual behaviour in some of my previous relationships. I am also depressed, I have quite empathetic atypical brain with ADHD (with some autism spectrum traits) and I have sometimes communication problems. I have been over a year without any relationship and I recently met the most amazing person ever, who has also been a victim of abuse and also has ADHD.
Sharing our experiences made me understand how I had been abused in a better context. I had tried to forget some of the details, perhaps as self defence, and have not started a proper healing process yet. One month ago it was the first time after over eight years, when I remembered how my perception and sanity had being constantly questioned by my ex-partner. So I am just beginning my healing process.. I also understood that being a victim of abuse had sometimes made me play “their game” without even realizing it and adapting some abusive patterns myself, for which I am not proud of.
So I had met this wonderful person and then I ruined it. I totally fucked up. I ended up being a piece of **it abusive person myself.
We were hanging out and having absolutely gorgeous time, but I suddenly got very sad. I also felt sadness and shame because of my feelings being attached and connected to my partner so deeply. I wanted to avoid giving that emotional burden to them, because I care about my partner and I do not want them to be sad because of me. I did not know what to do and I was also confused, when I have been reading about emotional labour and we have talked about that concept. I knew it was very imporatant for my partner being consensual on this. I was totally lost, when I can’t really ask a consent for leaking my feelings perhaps telepathically.
So my partner sensed my sadness and asked if I am entering into some state sadness. I admitted it, but probably answered defensively and perhaps even tried to belittle my sadness. My partner thought I tried to hide my feelings or something like that, but also encouraged me that it is perfectly ok to have them and express them. For which I am grateful. Indeed I was probably trying hide them, considering the above. I just did not want to leak my shifting emotions into situation, when I was actually being super happy. So we ended up sharing this moment of sadness together.
But then my partner apparently panicked and got scared of their own deep reaction to my sadness and went into some state anxiety (we both having co-dependency issues). They said they needed some own space and after that we would have a walk to get some fresh air. I was not being explained what this was all about and I did not fully understand it. I also thought it is my fault. I was confused, because they said it would be perfectly ok and encouraged me to have and accept these feelings of sadness. I was still somehow managing it and being cool about it and didn’t worry too much.
I politely asked how much time they would need and they ended up saying 15minutes. So off I went and did my things and gave them around 30 minutes. After that I went back to ask that are you now ok, do you need any more time and would you be ready to take that walk. They said yes let’s go, but also suddenly announced feeling weird. I tried to ask what is this all about, but they did not want to talk about it. So I dropped it and they started to prepare to go outside anyway.
I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not want to blame them and I can now understand their reaction. I am trying to describe how I felt at the moment things happened and that does not mean I believe how I behaved was right thing to do, nor that my thoughts were very rational. It also hope it would help someone to not make the same mistakes I made and recognize the irrational thoughts you might have. The things is that I should have been just more understanding, but I was just incapable at that moment. I now get it that my partner was going through some really deep thoughts and emotions, which were in the first place brought up partly because of my moment of sadness and my reactions that can be triggering to a victim of abuse. I take full responsibilty for this.
When my partner said that they are feeling weird and refused to further explain it, I was starting to get triggered and I sat down to my bed to listen music that I had been playing. They started to put on clothes and came to ask if I am gonna come. I said that yes I will, I just need a few minutes. My partner asked if it is ok come next to me and I said sure. I understand that sitting to listen music without saying about it was a poor impulsive reaction from me, which is probably why they asked if it is ok to come next to me.
So we were listening music for like five minutes and I said yeah I am fine, let’s go. I had been able to overcome my anxiety about the situation. But then they didn’t want to go any more and said that either they or I should go alone. I got annoyed, because I did not even know what was going on. I have sometimes problems with my ADHD brain, when plans change suddenly when I am under a stress. Which is not an excuse and something I really should be capable of handling by now. I asked what is going on now, but I felt I got an angry response. For which I said something like that why do you appear so angry.
I think at that point my partner was ready to talk about what was going on in their head, but I wasn’t any more. My bugging brain went into some emergency mode. It thought it was not fair to get angry responses, when I didn’t even know what was going on. Also I felt that maybe I was being blamed of being sad. What I did not understand at that moment was, that they were clearly going through some personal trauma, most likely not related to me at all. Which my behaviour and bad reactions started to fuel even more.
I was triggered in situation where I was needed to keep my full emotional control, when my partner was having a mental emergency. When they are expressing their anxiety and emotions, it is not right time to get frustrated or offended. I just needed to be a caring human who gives them proper emotional support.
But instead I panicked, got frustrated and offended when they did not come forward what was their emergency, what was their anxiety all about in the first place and did not use the personal space I tried to offer. When conversation finally started I felt it was with an angry reaction to a fair question. I was annoyed that my partner thought they could just say something like "Ok let's go out, but by the way I am feeling weird". I did not think they could expect me to be just fine with it. I want to be perfectly clear that I do not blame my partner for this. This is understandable from the victim of abuse.
We tried to discuss what is happening. But the problem for me was that I felt they thought the situation had only started when I got annoyed that they didn’t want to go out any more. I got triggered because of the words they used, like “your first reaction was” referring to the moment when I got annoyed when they finally wanted to share their feelings. They thought I am tone policing them, which I might have been with my poor choise of words. For example when I asked that could you just not make assumptions say things like "your first reaction” and instead describe how you felt.
I was trying to explain how I felt hurt when someone is saying things like that. I explained it was not my first reaction. I felt like I was being accused of having some knee-jerk reaction just out of nothing and not caring. When in fact I had put huge efforts to cope with the situation and keep my calm. I had really tried to consider their mental well-being to the best of my best abilities and give them the space they needed. It is still a little bit unclear for me why I had such strong reactions like that, which I could not put into rational context. Maybe because of being gaslighted and abused, I felt like my actions and words might be twisted or misunderstood. At the same time I also wanted to say that look I was really trying to be supportive and understanding. We both could not get out of our loops and ended up being triggered more.
I remember saying, that our behaviour is not rational at the moment. So I somehow knew still what was going on at some part of my brain. Obviously it does very little to someone else, when you are unable to respect that advice on your own. After some discussions the situation did not really resolve, but I think we still avoided exchanging bad words about each other. Just arguing about things like I didn’t yell at you. I even think at many times we both agreed that by yelling they meant a different thing (talking over). Which accusation I will full accept. I was in fault. We were just too tired.
I know my feelings, reactions and responses were immature and self-absorbed and they clearly show that I need to go through some serious personal development and healing. My behaviour was not acceptable and I don’t want hide it. I should have just put my own feelings aside and listen what they had to say when they had their emotional emergency, like I said. My partner probably felt they are not getting any compassion from me and I can perfectly realize that now.
CONTINUES IN ANOTHER POST. POST TOO LONG
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