Wants a Poly Family

Well, my bf is my primary, he comes first. I love them both, but my Son and I live with my bf. I only work part-time, it's because of my bf's hard work that my Son & I have the things we do. My bf runs the household, he pays the bills, he looks after us both. He loves my Son and my Son loves him, that is very important to me. My lover doesn't care about my son. My bf, by his actions deserves to be put first, and he is.

I never wanted things the way they are, it's just happened that way. I never set out to have a multi-partner relationship. I was with my lover first and I met my bf through a mutual friend, he kept asking me out, even after I told him about my lover. He was so sweet that in the end I said yes. I didn't think it would end up with me falling in love with him, I was tired of being on my own though, but could not give my lover up, even though I tried.

As I said, I love them both, but I know I love my bf more, that's just the way I feel, It's not something I can help, anymore than I can help the fact that sex is better with my lover. I like my bf, I feel that he is my best friend and that I always want him to be around, he is much more loveable. He adores my son & I and we both adore him and that is why he is my primary and he comes first, and always will.

I'm just trying to find a balance that suits everyone. I think I'm doing o.k.:)
 
redpepper said:
In my life I have a primary relationship with my husband due to our having birthed a son together, having a house together, having a joint account and debt together... etc. I do not see him as more of an emotional priority over my other partners at all. He absolutely is not my focus in my relationship life. I am my focus.
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I think I was unaware of the emotional charge behind "primary," and I appreciate your patience. I don't think of the person I'd share the electric bill with as a person more worthy of my affections - Many of my non-sexual relationships are deep and rewarding, but I'd murder the folks if I had to be deeply enmeshed with them regarding fiduciary junk, if that makes sense.
 
DevotedGeek said:
If two people loved each other and were truly committed to each other, then I didn't want that relationship to have the stigma of being "secondary" to anything. So I invited her OSO to be a full member of the family, an equal and "co-primary", and we're now a committed poly "V" family. I highly recommend it! :D
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First of all: I second that, works great in every regard :)

DevotedGeek said:
For example, my wife and I maintain separate finances and property from her OSO. I honestly struggled with that, because I felt we should combine finances for the good of everyone in the family... equal means equal in all respects. But I'm not aware of other poly families that do this (other than "cults" ;)), so I backed down on it... for now.
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Hm, cults, you say? Ok, never thought about that this way, but sure ... why not. Come join the Phy-Cult :D Free cookies for all!

Ok, more seriously spoken, this 'equal means equal in all respects' works well in our case. I never thought about separating anything there. I like to have things in order, meaning everyone knows what his/her part of the whole is, how much they have to contribute to make things work on an ordinary everyday basis. Maybe this is simply caused by living together. But we always share every bill and obligation that is there.

And in regard to the original post, yes, that is what I want and what we are planning/partially living right now. Multi-adult household, planning on raising children together. Don't know how successful we will be in the end, but the start looks promising. And you can't ask for more in regard to any relationship ;)
 
Phy said:
Hm, cults, you say? Ok, never thought about that this way, but sure ... why not. Come join the Phy-Cult :D Free cookies for all!
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You have cookies?!?!! Sign me up!

*starts checking airfares*

:D

(I'm in a goofy mood tonight)
 
Lot's of them, Sward and Lin are great in the kitchen :) If you join, we need your favourite cookie recipe and I want two every day, handmade, with care and love ^.^

(Early morning here, but a bit hyper as well.) Ok, back to topic:cool:
 
Thanks for all the responses. I understand where you are coming from, but in my world, primary and secondary are just ways of describing how involved I am with someone. It is not a reflection on their personhood or a reflection on how I treat them - I treat all my lovers with respect and caring, and I would never be thoughtless, disrespectful or manipulative to any of them, regardless of how far along out relationship was at that point.

Thanks very much for the thoughtful input!
 
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