Well dang jealousy just gets uglier

Majikdancer

Majikdancer

New member
I know there was a thread on jealousy...

and its different forms.. but I can't find it .. i did a search but ended up with pages of stuff.... and not the one I was looking for ... can anyone help?
It was a thread dedicated to jealousy... about 7 pages long I think.. and talking about the different kinds.. and why it happens
 
did you try doing a tag search? There is only two pages that way... its a big topic of discussion... you might just have a lot of reading ahead of you....
 
I don't think I know how to do a tag search .. and it was a specific thread.. i read the entire thing this morning and wanted to add to it .. but i can't find it again :( And I don't want to "cross post".
 
Well dang jealousy just gets uglier (feeling very alone)

I thought that the thread about jealousy had room for this .. but it doesn't. I am fighting jealousy. But not about my Husband A and another partner. He doesn't have one. And even if he did I don't see a problem.

Not A having a problem with my partner... I don't have one and he has never had a problem with it in the past.

A has been in San Jose CA for almost 3 weeks now. He is with one of my/our best friends. There is no polly there just the best friends in the world.

The called me in June and asked if they could borrow him for three weeks. They needed physical help to do some home projects. They paid his way both ways, and paid my 12 yo daughters way to join him for the last week.

Of course I said yes. Why wouldn't I?

I wasn't invited because of a job issue. I don't have the vacation time built up yet. But it was made clear that as soon as I do they will have me down there too.

No problem. All good.

So of course he left. Msged me several times a day. And daughter was still here. So of course it was novel and fun for the two of us.

Daughter left Friday. A hasn't msged me without me calling. Which makes me look needy and stupid to them.

AND he is down there with the five most interesting adults I know. All in the same house. He also has my daughter.

AND my mom is gone to AZ and my two older kids are doing finals my neighbors are also gone my sis is gone camping.

So A is up in CA with the most interesting people I know just right there.

And I am here... alone .. really alone... I don't even have annoying adults to talk to.

And I am jealous.
 
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I don't know if this is as much jealousy as envy. It sucks to be the one on the outside seeing everyone else have fun. I have the very same feelings when I'm home with the kids (ages 4 and 6) and my husband is in some far away port posting pictures of him sitting on the beach with beer and his buddies and not a responsibility in the world for the weekend.

You have a need that isn't being met. Is it a need for company? Is it a need to find something interesting to fill your evenings? Is it a need for interesting conversation?

The difference between jealousy and envy is that with jealousy you don't want the others involved to have what they have whereas with envy you wish you had what they had. Either way find a way to meet your need. As a very smart woman I know says; be your own primary.

-Derby
 
I love this explanation.

A couple of weeks ago, my GF told me that her kids (she has 2, one who lives with her and another who is college bound), her BF (who lives in the same city as I - 200 miles from her) and her sister's family were all visiting. I was so happy for her yet found myself on the verge of tears. I felt left out... although there was no way I could have been there (no time to travel and no room) and I knew it was not a slight. However, I envied the time they would all have together... family time.

The next day, a dear friend who is like a sister to me, texted me that she was feeling lonely. She'd just moved about an hour north of me. I fixed my envy by driving up to hang out with her. I took her out for dinner and drinks and spent the night. I got the family time I needed. The universe really looked out for me.

Maybe you could arrange a gathering of close friends with whom you share a close bond to help fill the envy gap? It really worked wonders for me.
 
Derbylicious said:
. As a very smart woman I know says; be your own primary.

-Derby
Click to expand...

That would be RedPepper. And maybe you are right .. I don't actually want him not to be there ... nore do I wish my daughter wasn't there. I just wish I was .. and I wish if I can't be that he would msg me more (that is where I thought jealousy). And he msged me all day every day untill my daughter got there. Which is actually when all my grown up conversation went away. And I am left feeling really petty. And kind of angry.
 
Majikdancer said:
That would be RedPepper. And maybe you are right .. I don't actually want him not to be there ... nore do I wish my daughter wasn't there. I just wish I was .. and I wish if I can't be that he would msg me more (that is where I thought jealousy). And he msged me all day every day untill my daughter got there. Which is actually when all my grown up conversation went away. And I am left feeling really petty. And kind of angry.
Click to expand...

Ah, you need grown up conversation. There, you found your need, now you just need to find a way to fill it!
 
LoveWarrior said:
I fixed my envy by driving up to hang out with her. I took her out for dinner and drinks and spent the night. I got the family time I needed. The universe really looked out for me.

Maybe you could arrange a gathering of close friends with whom you share a close bond to help fill the envy gap? It really worked wonders for me.
Click to expand...

First I don't drive. So although I have friends it is always up to them to do the driving. Because it is and gas prices as they are I NEVER ask. Second all my "close friends" are either not here this week .. either at camp .. or camping .. or going to AZ ... or they are way back on the east coast.

I think I made the mistake of not making friends out here.. i had tons of friends ... and i had my family here.. but now .. damn ... i am behaving like a 3 year old
 
Majikdancer said:
First I don't drive. So although I have friends it is always up to them to do the driving. Because it is and gas prices as they are I NEVER ask. Second all my "close friends" are either not here this week .. either at camp .. or camping .. or going to AZ ... or they are way back on the east coast.

I think I made the mistake of not making friends out here.. i had tons of friends ... and i had my family here.. but now .. damn ... i am behaving like a 3 year old
Click to expand...

Well, it's never too late to make new friends, is it? Maybe you could go on a local adventure. Meet some people who live closer. Do you have a hobby or something you've been interested in trying?

I've recently taken up crochet to give me something to do in my down time. I just created a huge blanket for my GF, infused with my loving thoughts and energies from the time that we've not been able to see each other. Now, she has a huge hunk of me to keep her warm and secure on those lonely nights. And I have something positive to focus on.. (and will have tons of gifts for people this fall).
 
I do understand how you feel. Being poly can make 'alone' time difficult but truth be told, I don't feel a need for much alone time. If I want to stay home by myself and read for a couple hours one night, or decide for some reason to do something without my other partners, I'm fine. But when they're off doing they're own thing and my friends are all busy leaving no one for me to spend time with, I get irritated big time. If it's not me who initiates the 'alone time' there is resentment there. Of course, I completely own those feelings and do not dump them on anyone or even verbalize it most of the time. It's just me being cranky, my own shit to deal with. No one has ever excluded me or deliberately left me alone, it's just poly families, hell, life in general just gets busy sometimes.

I'm not sure I have any advice that you don't already know. Keep busy, try something new, etc. If I had to offer anything, I guess it would be that it's totally OK to feel bitchy or clingy or jealous or needy or whatever you feel. You own your feelings, they aren't right or wrong, they're just there. What you do with those feelings, how you act on them makes the difference. You can do what I often do, mope around the house for a bit until inspiration strikes for something to amuse myself. But sometimes, you just gotta be miserable and sit around in your PJ's curled up on the couch for a bit waiting for those jerks to call or message you :p
 
Majikdancer said:
First I don't drive. So although I have friends it is always up to them to do the driving. Because it is and gas prices as they are I NEVER ask. Second all my "close friends" are either not here this week .. either at camp .. or camping .. or going to AZ ... or they are way back on the east coast.

I think I made the mistake of not making friends out here.. i had tons of friends ... and i had my family here.. but now .. damn ... i am behaving like a 3 year old
Click to expand...

See, isn't delurking and getting that support you wanted nice? :)

To throw my tired and rather belated two cents in, I REALLY isolated myself after I got married. I was happy to spend all my time with my awesome husband. I mean, there are other factors that contributed to my dwindling social circle, but I didn't realize just how small my life had become until we moved about an hour away from where we had been living. My husband was still working in the previous city, so I was home alone by myself a lot, even after I got a job.

Funnily enough, we moved CLOSER to all of our friends... but in doing so I realized the nature of our friendships were not as intimate as I needed. Though I now had people to hang out with, I didn't have people I could count on to support me in the ways I needed to feel happy and whole, and for various reasons those friends were not ever going to fill those needs.

When I finally decided I needed to do something about that cocoon I had created, it propelled me into an amazing journey of self-discovery and relationship building with my husband. My marriage is more mindful, I'm much more vibrant and self-assured, and the great thing is that all the positive energy that comes from that draws people to me like a magnet. So while I haven't precisely found what I have been looking for, I have been occupying myself with meeting new people and having a wonderful time finding out more about myself and others. And the feedback from people has been phenomenal.

If you haven't taken the time to make friends where you are at, I would nudge you to take a step in that direction. At the very least you'll meet some interesting people, and I guarantee that in some probably unrelated and unexpected way, the friends you need will be drawn to you.
 
I think we all find ourselves isolated in one way or another. For example,I am the only one in my family and group of friends that hasn't had children and boy is that painful to deal with. My partner has 4 children and it makes me sad that I don't have that kind of bond. My partner actually suggested to me the other day that I turn the thought around,so instead of thinking what I don't have,focus what I DO have.
It would be good if you could get your driving license because then you will have more freedom to try new things and meet like minded people,not nearly so restrictive ;)
 
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