What does long-term look like?

[RDIAG]

Greetings. Here's my quick intro. For 26 years, I've been in a marriage that's compatible in many ways but sexually wildly incompatible. After decades of therapy, I've finally accepted the idea that my wife is essentially asexual, and that the fact that I want to have a sexual relationship isn't shameful. By the time I brought up the idea of opening the marriage, she easily agreed, and I began a wonderful relationship with my lover about a year and half ago. My lover is married as well. My wife reports being relieved and happy for me. I guess you could say that it's easier on her than on me, because of all the longings this has stirred up. I currently spend one evening a week (not overnight) with my lover, plus occasional short vacations. It's not enough. And at this point, though I am absolutely and completely open with my wife about everything, I'm not out with my teenage children, or with most of my friends. I want to work with both my wife and my lover toward a more open and sustainable dynamic.

I'd love to hear from long-term poly folks, especially those with a relationship in an asexual/sexual dynamic, about what this can look like long-term. What are possible configurations we could plan for and build toward? My marriage is deeply important to me, but I was dying without the sexual component. We have all those memories, children together, pets, a home, friends, and we perform music together. Now I have another relationship that is both sexual and romantic, and am building new memories and adventures with my lover. That's all good. But the two streams are too separate, and I need to find a different balance.

Lots more to tell -- lots! -- but that's a start...

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings RDIAG,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in a closed/polyfidelitous MFM V. The three of us live together. So that is one possible configuration you could plan and build toward. Maybe eventually the four of you could invest in a large house together. Just remember, there will be turbulence. As the saying goes, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." The first few years of my V were pretty rough, but things smoothed out eventually. Each person in a relationship is unique, and so, each relationship is unique. A certain amount of turbulence is necessary because you are trying to learn, by trial and error, what works for you.

The members of Polyamory.com are here to help, so invest some time into reading and posting on this thread and on other threads. Ask questions. Learn as much as you can about open/poly. There is an excellent book I would suggest for you; it is called, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. It's not too long and it's a friendly read; it will have questions for you (and your wife) to consider and answer. This will help prepare you for the forming/storming/norming stages up ahead. Also do lots and lots of communicating with your wife and your lover.

If I can be of help, just let me know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[icesong]

I'd love to hear from long-term poly folks, especially those with a relationship in an asexual/sexual dynamic, about what this can look like long-term. What are possible configurations we could plan for and build toward? My marriage is deeply important to me, but I was dying without the sexual component. We have all those memories, children together, pets, a home, friends, and we perform music together. Now I have another relationship that is both sexual and romantic, and am building new memories and adventures with my lover. That's all good. But the two streams are too separate, and I need to find a different balance.

What you describe isn't *exactly* like a couple of relationships in my polycule, but it has enough similarities to be relevant, I think. My Knight is not *a*sexual, but has a much lower desire I do and we are not wildly sexually compatible anymore, so while we have not completely closed that chapter of our life it's not a lot nor enough for me. My Artist's wife is much the same - they are platonic now but are still continuing to build their lives together (in fact they're currently searching for a house where they can still be together but have a little bit more separate space as right now I don't spend the night over there unless ArtistWife is gone, sound travels just a bit too much.

I do hear you for sure about feeling like the parts of your life are very separate - mine is less so, as (especially during PlagueYear, but even before that) Artist stays at my house 1-2 nights a week and these days that ends up being hanging out all four of us (Knight, Joan, Artist, me) and usually my son as well. So he's very much a part of *my* life as it is, though I feel less a part of his if that makes sense.

Are your wife/partner open to spending time with each other? I honestly find that that is the biggest thing that makes me feel like the parts of my life are integrated. Obviously this is harder with children you aren't out to. Perhaps that might also be a start - and I'm not going to say that telling them won't be hard (I'm very glad that polyamory has just always been a part of my kid's life so there's very little _explanation_ I have to do). But I imagine being able to be open about that with at least your children and especially more of your friends would help that sense of separation a lot too - having a secret second relationship is fun for a little while but eventually being or keeping a secret makes everything feel a bit tawdry, which is terrible for someone you love.

That's just my opinion based on the last 6 years though (well, almost six with Artist, there were a couple years before that with various unsuccessful relationship configurations).

Oh! A couple books you might want to consider reading are Rewriting the Rules and Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator (Meg-John Barker and Amy Gahran, respectively) - both have some more ideas for how commitment in the absence of practical entanglement can work. Also useful is the relationship smorgasbord - link - the idea is that you and your partner can look at it and take "helpings" of as much or as little of any given relationship component and that describes or helps create your relationship, and identify things you do want that you don't have or don't want that you DO have. It can also just be a personal thought exercise; I've found it VERY useful as a tool as my relationships evolve.

 

[Inaniel]

I easily empathize with your situation. My wife has not come out as asexual but I would not be surprised if she began Identifying with that term someday. My first relationship under the umbrella of poly was completely segregated, as in my ex-girlfriend did not want to ever see or talk to my wife and basically pretended like my kid did not exist. I knew I did not want THAT again…

When I began dating my current girlfriend, we all had trouble finding a balance. I think I spent two nights a week over at her house, and then it went to three, and then back to two… That was hard on me since I wanted to be around all the people I cared about, and not just one at a time. Today, we all live under the same roof in a home that we co-own. Obviously, we are out to my kid. We are also out to family members whom we encounter the most often.

I cannot write about it all here. It has been a process about 4 years in the making and it has not been easy. Poly can work in many different configurations. I would recommend, as I do for any aspect of life, create goals and a vision for yourself and stay steadfast to your vision. Other than that, give it time.

 

[RDIAG]

Oh! A couple books you might want to consider reading are Rewriting the Rules and Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator (Meg-John Barker and Amy Gahran, respectively) - both have some more ideas for how commitment in the absence of practical entanglement can work. Also useful is the relationship smorgasbord - link - the idea is that you and your partner can look at it and take "helpings" of as much or as little of any given relationship component and that describes or helps create your relationship, and identify things you do want that you don't have or don't want that you DO have. It can also just be a personal thought exercise; I've found it VERY useful as a tool as my relationships evolve.

Ha! I just came to check these posts while taking a break from listening to a podcast interview with Amy Gahran. I've also begun reading her book. I find her concepts, as well as the RA smorgasbord, to be very helpful. I'd like to be more purposeful about discussing those ideas with both of my partners.

It's so easy to fall into "performing monogamy" for public consumption, and my wife's asexuality also translates to a desire to think and talk about anything other than sex, because it just isn't that important to her. So that makes it even easier to drift along in this monogamous play-acting. It's a heavy lift to initiate a discussion of something like the relationship smorgasbord, though once we get into discussions she's incredibly kind and open-minded. It's an inertia thing. When I'm feeling unsettled I know it's time to push a bit, and I guess now is one of those times.

One thing that makes coming out to children difficult is that one of my sons is currently dealing with serious mental health and substance use challenges, so we're also careening from one emergency to another. Combine that with a pandemic, and it makes for a particularly challenging past year. But I have no doubt at all that we'll get there. I'm just beginning (more hard conversations) to work with my wife on planning how to explain our situation without making either of us out to be the "bad guy".

My wife and my partner have only connected online so far. They feel comfortable asking about each other, but I would love it if they could get to know one another in person. My partner wants that very much -- for my wife I think it's another inertia thing, easy to delay. The possibility of me connecting with my lover's husband is more remote, for various reasons. I'm being called away to go help with distance learning now, and will get into that later!

Thanks to all who have responded. It helps.