What is trust?

[GalaGirl]

You trust a partner to treat you well and not "do stupid," and if they can't do this, you leave.

Yup. What else is there? I'm not going to hang around in unhealthy and/or incompatible relationships.

I have anxious attachment issues (my problem, I know). My GF (we don't live together) enjoys new men in her life frequently, which was not a huge problem for me, although anxious attachment is difficult when there are frequent partner additions, especially since she was my only partner, and finding new partners for me is extremely difficult (cis/het married).

Sounds like you don't want her seeking potentials from your group of friends. Like, she can date her own friends, but not yours. Is that it? What happens with mutual friends? Is that case-by-case, or just none? Have you talked it out? Kind of sounds like maybe you didn't realize it needed discussion until now?

I think, for me, it depends on proximity. I think dating friends is natural. It's not unheard of for a friendship to grow into something more.

At the same time, if this were your BEST friend, the one you usually turn to for help with problems, it could be hella messy. You can't turn to them for support in the same way anymore. Now they ARE the person you are having difficulties with. They are not able to be impartial or someone outside the dating system anymore. They are now inside the system.

The same goes for dating your roomie, your boss, your parents, etc. It makes for very weird dynamics.

I think there are enough people in the world to date without going right for the "messy people" that would make it weird. Some might be permanently messy -- like dating your parents AND you. Some might change over time -- like the roomie, if they stop being your roomie. Or if you change jobs, that person is no longer your boss. Once they are no longer your roomie or boss, it isn't as weird or messy.

If these things bother you, you need to tell her up front who is on your "messy people list," and ask who is on hers. You could say something like "In future, I prefer you not date these people: _____. They are too messy and weird for me. In exchange I won't date people on your messy list. Who are they?"

If she's not willing to skip dating your parents, your best friend, your roomie, your boss, etc., at the same time as dating you, you end it with her, and that solves it for you. She's free to date all those people, but she's not dating YOU at the same time as them. You are out.

You cannot ban the whole city, but I think it's reasonable to ask for a few that really just make things way too weird.

When I expressed how difficult was for me to have her dating a close friend, she said "I needed to trust her."

I could see her point of view if this was a "friend" or "close friend," and not "best friend." Some communities have a very small dating pool, and having some overlap is just a fact of life.

What are you doing to manage/heal your anxious attachment?

I once dated someone who was super anxious and fearful. I was willing to work with his reasonable and rational requests. He acted like he wanted to put me in a box and throw away the key. It was like I was supposed to lead a limited, circumscribed life and thus never "trigger" him, just so he could keep AVOIDING dealing with his issues AND get to date me.

I wasn't even dating his friends. It was just me going out with MY friends and doing things on my own without him. Coffee at the bookstore or shopping at the mall, or whatever. Really benign things.

He was always so worried someone "better" was going to hit on me if I was out and about and "take me away," that he wanted me to not lead my normal life. I was just supposed to stay home all the time, or only go out with him. He would not get therapy, so I broke up and left. He just didn't have a healthy relationship to offer me. I can't be in a relationship where I'm not trusted.

Galagirl

 

[Ariakas]

That's your experience, Ari! Your poly circle is a very self-conscious group of people who ID as poly/swingers/kinksters. I guess I am not a joiner. I don't even know if there is a "poly community" in my area with people who go around dating each other. I just date who I like.

That's fair. I do tend to say "in my experience" but forgot this time.

The British Columbia scene is huge but has a monsterous amount of overlap between 3 primary communities in 4 distinct geographic regions. Unless someone is new to the community there are always ties back to ex's and friends.

Narrow that down even further to compatibility and holy crap.. an example, my current meta and I have the same type. We actively pursue the same people by accident all the time..

 

[Ariakas]

I think there are enough people in the world to date without going right for the "messy people" that would make it weird. Some might be permanently messy -- like dating your parents AND you. Some might change over time -- like the roomie, if they stop being your roomie. Or if you change jobs, that person is no longer your boss. Once they are no longer your roomie or boss, it isn't as weird or messy.

Even in poly? What if you automatically exclude baby poly. I won't date new people to poly. I don't wanna train a mono person.

I don't find this to be true. The poly sea is tiny. Even though I live in one of the larger communities. Throw in natural compatibility...

I will date who I feel compatibility with. (I do exclude who I work with).

If these things bother you, you need to tell her up front who is on your "messy people list," and ask who is on hers. You could say something like "In future, I prefer you not date these people: _____. They are too messy and weird for me. In exchange I won't date people on your messy list. Who are they?"

It's nice to ask this... But potentially unrealistic. It's a decent boundary to ask for some grace, warning, maybe some rules to help protect themselves. But restricting like a no fly list is going to be difficult.

You say it below, person creates boundary for self to support the rule of no fly zone, if rule can't be followed, your boundary doesn't work and it's your choice to adapt or leave.

I met this woman in 1998. We were at a party and I wasn't open. I was there with my now very ex wife and sitting in the room with this new person..

The whole room couldn't stop staring the.. immediate connection was insane. Even though I was mono that attraction was so tangible I couldn't even be in the same room. My ex soon after cheated on me and also told me I could never date x person. Guess who I immediately dated. (We lasted 6 months total and I still think of her every day... )

If I was poly there was no way I couldn't date her. Same with my current A. I had a gf tell me I couldn't date A. So I broke up with the gf to date A.

No fly rules.. are not easy to follow when you are talking about connections in a limited pool of viable people.

 

[GalaGirl]

Even in poly? What if you automatically exclude baby poly? I won't date new people to poly. I don't wanna train a mono person.

Yes, even in poly I don't want DH dating my mom and dad. Some people are just way too weird to me.

If other people want to date both a parent and their adult offspring, and they are all cool with it, that's up to them. But for me it's a hard pass.

It's nice to ask this, but potentially unrealistic. It's a decent boundary to ask for some grace, warning, maybe some rules to help protect themselves. But restricting, like a no-fly list, is going to be difficult.

Everyone has a different limit of tolerance. The point is to talk about it and figure out compatibility.

You say it below-- a person creates a boundary for themselves to support the rule of the no-fly zone. If this rule can't be followed, your boundary doesn't work and it's your choice to adapt or leave.

Yup. Not compatible? Bow out. That is HOW one enforces a personal boundary.

Same with my current A. I had a gf tell me I couldn't date A. So I broke up with the gf to date A.

And you made the call, which is fine.

No fly rules.. are not easy to follow when you are talking about connections in a limited pool of viable people.

Yet one doesn't HAVE to agree to follow it. If someone asks me, "These are my messy people. Are you willing to skip dating them in exchange for me not dating yours?" I can say, "No, thanks. I don't agree to do that. I'm gonna date who I want." Then they can make the call. And it's the same the other way.

GG

 

[Ariakas]

Yes. Even in poly I don't want DH dating my mom and dad. Some people are just way to weird to me.

If other people want to date both a parent and their adult offspring? And they are all cool with it? That's up to them. But me? Hard pass.

haha.. fair. I guess I think of those as givens. I was leaning more into the friends vs blood relatives.

Friends for example aren't a given. The rule (especially considering how broad the term friend is used) could be a real nipple twister.

 

[GalaGirl]

In general, I prefer explicit communication. I don't think anything is a given in relationships. We'd like to think so-- manners, common courtesy, respect, etc. But in real life, nope, they aren't. Not everyone is mannerly, courteous, respectful etc.

It's best if the people who are dating each other talk all their things out. Some care about also dating their friends, and some don't. So they could get on with the business of getting to know each other and figuring out compatibility.

GG