Hi I am a lesbian who has been with my partner for 6 years now in a mono relationship. My therapist and I started talking about polyamory due to a love for another woman that will always be there, and doesn't take away from my current relationship. I need to talk to my partner as I am processing these feelings, but it is making me sick. I do not want to hurt her. This is not what she was looking for.... i did not know i was either. Just reaching out to someone who may have been in a similar situation.
Thanks
Greetings utah,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Can I ask, does your partner know anything at all about your feelings for this other woman? I'm wondering if you have some foundation to work from, or if you'll have to start from scratch.
In any case I hope Polyamory.com will be a good experience for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
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Sorry you and your partner are both experiencing some painful emotions right now. You don't say whether or not you just want to be able to acknowledge or talk about your other love with your partner, or if it's something you want to work towards being able to act upon in future. There is a huge difference between the two. For many people, the first step is only that they wish to be heard and to literally talk to their partner - not a demand for immediate action in any direction. Try to be clear with her where you are on this issue as best you can, and expect many many many more conversations. Give her time to process your words, and be compassionate with yourself as well as her.
I am not sure. Right now it is just the acknowledgement, but then again she lives in a different state. My partner is hurting and confused. I had thought about saying to heck with the whole thing and just not acknowledge this love... but I cannot. She sees this as that I love the other girl more. Not the case.
Let me apologize up front if I seem a little insensitive. For some reason I don't experience jealousy, so it makes it hard for me to have empathy for people who do, but I do care, and I recognize that the pain that people feel is very real, I just can't get my head around the thinking that gives rise to the feelings.
As I've struggled to understand jealousy, two questions always arise that I've never been able to answer, and no one else has ever been able to answer them from their own experience:
How does the knowledge that someone you love loves someone else make your life any worse?
How does the way you are responding to that knowledge make your relationship any better?
A couple of people I said this to have told me that, after thinking about it for a while, they started to feel better, as if their feelings became less real because they couldn't justify or support them. Maybe they would have felt better in time anyway, and I know that not everyone thinks about their feelings this way, but for some people it might help.
