what would you do

R

riftara

New member
So I found out that T occasionally partakes in the smoking of certain herbal relaxants.

This is a deal breaker to me. I have kids that I dont have custody of, and I could loose my time with my daughter if I was "hanging out with drug users" and F is a sheriff deputy in the county we were in when she did, so it would mean bad things for her to get in trouble for it in that county.

And if its a deal breaker, she can't be around me or my kids. period. So if F wants to keep seeing her he will have to do it outside of the house. This is really hard for me because I am falling for her.

I didnt think she was a user bc she has kids of her own, but I guess that she doesnt see the harm in it.
Im worried about my kids and F's job here.

Am I being too harsh?
 
Shes promised she wont do it again, but I dont feel like I can trust her about it because she hid it from us originally.
 
Honestly, I think you're being a little harsh. It's a very, very common occasional habit for adult Americans, and (in my opinion) not objectively harmful when used in moderation except for the potential legal repercussions. If she promises to never do it in or around your house and to be extremely discreet at other times, is it dreadfully much of a danger?

It is your life and you should only accept as much risk as you can live with. But you probably know and spend time with others who partake whose habits you just don't know about.
 
Also, I wouldn't necessarily assume she's lying when she says she'll stop just because she was hiding it before. I mean, it's illegal, of course she's not going to be super open about it. Does she have a track record of being untrustworthy in any other way?
 
It isn't a big deal generally. But, it could have big consequences given the situation. I don't think you're over-reacting. If someone does something in my house that could get me fired, I react pretty definitivly to that situation.

Now, on the other point, I'm not sure that there's a trust problem. And, wouldn't generally rule someone out of my life because of the possibility of doing something that could be a problem. She now understands the implications and has promised not to do it. If there were no other things that impacted my trust level, I'd tend to trust and move on.
 
I wouldn't worry too much about F's job, they're not going to come after her for smoking in the past. And it wouldn't affect him unless she was toking while walking around the streets with him.

I wonder if she purposely hid it from you or just never considered it an issue. For lots of people, smoking pot is something trivial. She just might not have thought it would be a big deal, especially if it's occasional (but - what does she mean by that? Once a month, twice a week, every other day?). I was a total pothead when I was younger but after my 30s, I just lost interest. I broke up with a guy once because he had to smoke every morning when he got up. I'm just not interested in relating with someone who can't meet the day without some barrier between himself and reality. But very occasional use wouldn't bother me, and could feel kind of like a special event.

However, if you feel her smoking could impact your visitation with your kids, I don't think you're overreacting. You're in the south where people can be very conservative, so if you feel she can't come to your house anymore, that's a boundary you will have to establish. After all, F lives with you but it's the house you share with your husband, correct? And if your ex would freak out about it (if he knows about you being poly doesn't freak him out already), and keep you from seeing your kids, then it is important to draw the line.
 
I talked to her about it and she said she hadnt even thought of the repercussions, but she gave excuses that she had a bad night - which she did, but that is why we were out was to get her mind off her bad day, not to drug herself out of her bad day.

Im trusting her warily right now, Im still upset about it. Im sure once I get over it completely, I'll be ok with her again.

NNbel - I know its common and if it wasnt the situation of my kids and mostly F's job on the line, I wouldnt care. We do have friends who smoke and they all know the not around the house rule. Oh and the dont offer the cop any rule, and the dont talk about it in front of the cop rule
 
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