When does it stop?

B

bohemiangoddess

New member
I just feel I need to go somewhere to tell my story about my 5th breakup with the same person over a 2-year period.

I have nothing bad to say about my ex-girlfriend. I love her and want her to be happy. We have had three major break-ups that lasted months before we would get back together. The other two were minor, lasted maybe a week.

This time it's for good. She broke up with earlier in the week and now won't even speak to me.

Where to begin? I am single woman who was involved for two years with a married woman. My needs were never being met. My friends don't treat me the way she did. It all sounds so silly to sit here and type this out.

At one point she told me she wanted to split households, how I was the love of her life, how she could meet my needs, how my needs and feelings were important. All this wonderful talk about being together more.

Her hubby told her no, he would never be okay with that. That he missed her the one time she stayed at my house. Then she turned around and told me she could only be a once a week gf to me, that this relationship was too casual for me, and that she would never be able to meet my needs. His feelings and needs will always come first. I would always only get scraps. She asked why I needed a label on our relationship. She said let's just see where it naturally goes. All this very confusing me to me because earlier she could be all of those things.

Every time I was at her house I could see the jealousy coming from her hubby. I could feel it. He got passive aggressive a few times.

Then suddenly she started ignoring my texts and emails for days. I ignored it and didn't say anything, but inside it was hurting me. My friends communicate with me more than her.

I would text her, "Hey, what are you up to?" Or, "Where do you want to meet tomorrow?"

This happened quite a lot. I started to think maybe she was dating someone else and afraid to tell me. But then I would think, "This is poly. Why would she do that?"

Finally, earlier this week, I'd had enough of this ignoring-me tactic. I texted her after the last ignore, saying, "If you aren't that into me anymore, just tell me. It's okay. I still love ya."

No response. The next day she sent me a Facebook message that her husband and her best friend had an intervention with her about me. That we are better off as friends. I responded, "Okay, if that's what you want. I understand that this isn't working. I am not happy with the relationship."

No response back.

So I sent her a message back asking again, "Are you just not into me anymore? Maybe you are the one not happy in this relationship with me."

No response back.

At this point I am pretty upset. So I asked her to send my house keys back to me. She responded, "Come to my event at my house this Sunday."

I was shocked. I told her, "No. You have hurt me repeatedly. No more."

She then called me emotionally manipulative, complicated and something else, then blocked me on Facebook. I texted her saying, "Real mature. Break up with me over Facebook, than block me. Why can't you tell me the truth? Is there someone else? Are you just not into me anymore?"
She responded, "Go away."

So I waited a few days and emailed her to say, "I am not angry at you. I am not even mad. I love you and hope someday we can be in each other's lives again as friends." Told her she was right, I wasn't happy. My needs were not getting met.

Ignore. This was two days ago. This tells me something else was going on. Maybe I was correct in my assumptions.

I am not innocent. I was pretty angry at her and said some mean things. I am in no way a victim. I understand now that she is not capable of meeting my needs, and maybe just wanted a casual FWB relationship, and she was changing the rules as we were going without me knowing. I reacted to the perceived way I was being treated.

I will miss her.

I need to figure out what I want out of a relationship. But for now I am taking a break.

I am monogamous by nature. I tried poly. She knew this about me. She also told me herself she is only poly because she likes women. I often feel like I was an accessory. When she was in the mood for a woman I was there. That's no way to live. I can't live that way.

I just hope someday she will speak to me again.

I have lost all my self worth as a lovable human being. Being in a "relationship" never feeling loved or told you were loved, ignored and barely spoken to by someone who claimed they loved you has to be one of the most hurtful things I have experienced.

I was never a nasty person. I just wanted some attention. I don't like being ignored. It hurts. A lot. And when I tried to mention it to my partner she blew up at me and broke up because I was hurting. What is that?

Maybe it's me. She told me I had too many expectations of her. Maybe she was right. However, I don't even feel like she was treating me like a close friend.
 
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I'm sorry this has been so frustrating and hurtful, and that you are in pain right now. It sounds really lousy.

I know what it's like to be on a roller coaster, in that you lose the trust in what the other person is wanting. I made a decision along the way that changed one of my relationships to being supportive, rather than romantic, basically, and it's doing us all pretty well. But that came from a place of deciding for myself what I wanted and who I wanted to be. It sounds like you've been reacting, seeking knowledge from her, seeking magic words to heal what's been happening.

What do YOU want? It sounds like the relationship is over for you, now. Of course there is grief, there is sadness, but this woman, as she has been to you, seems to be gone. She couldn't do the poly you wanted to do, said things during NRE that you've held on to but won't ever get, gives primacy to her husband in a way that leaves you left out -- and you don't want any of that! It sounds like you'd love to be with her as she could be, but not as she has shown herself to be. I'm sorry, and it sounds like it really hurts. Grief sucks. But sometimes, rather than holding on too tight, it's time to grieve, and just feel what you feel until you're done feeling it.
 
I am so sorry. Youve been very mistreated. IMO the cruelest thing one can do is to refuse to communicate.

While it's impossible to ignore the effect her husband's behavior may have had on her (as we are not privy to what he may have said to her), when it became obvious that she could not maintain the relationship with you the mature, responsible thing would have been to be upfront and honest about it. However, being responsible comes from owning your own behavior. It does not sound like she is prepared to do that, so she is childish.

While you must do what feels right to you, I would change the locks on my door and banish this woman from your life. I know you love her, but her behavior shows she is not worthy of you or your friendship. Letting her back in will only allow her to hurt you again.
 
Thank you for your responses. I wonder if it's true what she said about me. I just wanted the truth. Apparently I will never get it. I think she went back to the woman she was with before getting back with me. She has 6 lovers, no needs, no emotions. I feel I deserve better. I am only human. Does poly suck? Or was it my complicated situation for two years?
 
Poly can make things complicated, but there are just as many jerks among the monogamous.
 
I've been through a similar breakup, though in my scenario, I'm the married one. I thought I was getting a girlfriend, but she wanted to treat me like a fuckbuddy. It hurt like a sonofabitch.

I know you want answers, but you're not going to get them, and really, why she has ended the relationship is irrelevant. She just doesn't want the relationship. At this point you need to go no contact and get your sanity back. When someone tells you to go away, the best thing you can do for your own peace of mind is oblige them.

Clearly what you thought was being offered wasn't. Some things your girlfriend did constitute emotional abuse, namely the silent treatment, disappearing for periods of time, and calling you emotionally manipulative when you dared to feel hurt ("come to my event this Sunday?" WTF? Clearly she just doesn't want to give you answers, doesn't want to have to deal with an emotional scene.) You may not believe me now, but it'll be a good thing if you never speak to her again.
 
Thank you. I am really ok with poly. I'm an intense loving person. I just feel used bc her hubby does not pay her the attention she wants, so she always comes back to me, who would give her the world. He got jealous she enjoys that attention.

I feel used. I am a lesbian. I love to love. That's what I want. However. I love her. I hope she finds happiness. I don't like to be lied to.
 
My guess is her husband talked her friends into an intervention, played the "poor me, my wife is interested in another woman, gotta put a stop to that" card. They convinced her you were the bad guy trying to take her away from her husband with your feminine wiles, or some other nonsense. She's probably embarrassed that he would pull her friends into this, that she agreed to break up with you, and is angry that you wouldn't take her for her word about what she said happened, which is the reason why she's ending things.

Why keep pushing her to admit she's found someone else when her husband has been an issue since day 1?

Many guys are okay with their wives being bisexual and having a bisexual girlfriend, but less accepting of a lesbian, because they fear that the lesbian will "turn" their wife. A friend of mine from high school married a man and had children with him before coming out as a lesbian. She'd thought she was bisexual. Her ex was manipulative, controlling, abusive, and acts as if she is going to turn their son gay because she lets him take tap dancing.
 
It sounds like she carried out this relationship with you and perhaps others without her husband's enthusiastic consent. Perhaps it's even a symptom of a wider issue she has. That's why her husband and best friend had the intervention.

Despite wanting something with you, it sounds like she knew it was neither realistic or something she wanted to potentially sacrifice her marriage for. To make things worse, you obviously wanted something relatively intense and entangled and wasn't able to step back.

Believe it or not, I think she is doing the right thing. A clean break is necessary.
 
From the little bit of information we have, I've got to agree with london's comments.

Did the husband know and consent? Was it enthusiastic consent at first? Consent must be voluntary and enthusiastic for it to be real. That's just the truth.

Now if he did, and then changed, that's one thing. But if the wife didn't tell him, or at least set up a "don't ask don't tell" policy, then his actions are perfectly reasonable. I know it's hard, but think about it from his point of view. His wife cheats on him and he's supposed to instantly be ok with that? Nuh-uh.

I do hear you saying that she strung you along, which is never a loving thing to do. But if she gave you signals that you needed to back off and not take the relationship so formally, then part of the responsibility is on you. With any relationship, the only way not to get hurt is to make sure that you are ready for whatever might come at any time. Mixed signals? Pull back. Red light then green light then red light? Pull back. It's fine to have a discussion and tell her "here's what you're doing to me...x,y,z.", but then you have to be ready to act when they say "I need this to be more casual."

Don't get me wrong. We're all sorry that you're hurting. But we don't have enough information to really know the whole story.
 
There was no cheating. They have an open relationship. I guess I am just trying to figure out what I was doing for two years. Why we kept getting back together when it didn't work the last 4 times.*

Honestly, I am not hurt over the end of the relationship, but how it was done and why I was led to believe a lot of things. It really is ok. It was my fault for trying to make it something it wasn't. My fault for reacting to her pulling away. It was just never made clear what we were doing. One minute she would tell me she couldn't imagine me with another. The next, "You deserve better." We were even poly-fidelitous at one point. Then "You are the love of my life. I wish my hub would get a gf." Mixed signals and a lot of confusion. Perhaps for her too.

It was a learning experience and an adventure. The weird thing is I feel indifferent to the situation. What I hold on to is answers. The friend that will never be part of my life again, although I know that a friendship is unreasonable at this point.*

I agree her ending it actually was a relief. It was a hard situation to navigate. Always negotiating what it was, when we would would see each other, what she was allowed to do. She had to have permission, it seemed.*

When she broke things off I thanked her for trying her best. She did try. I tried too, but we are two different personalities that clashed hard. We got along, for the most part. It was my need for attention and communication that made it not work.

That is my version and what I saw/felt like. Her version is totally different, and that's ok.

I have no regrets. The only thing I regret is how I reacted.
 
That makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry you suffered through it, but I'm sure you've learned a lot.
 
Thank you for posting this. I'm in the husband's position, right this moment. My wife recently came to me and explained that she needed a GF. I knew she was bi when we married.

The main difference in my world is that I completely support my wife and her new GF. We do have the complication that her GF lives several hundred miles away.

Some men are fine with a casual "friends with benefits" situation, but if they see their wife becoming emotionally entangled, they get threatened. It sounds like cutting this off is the way it needs to go.

I'm so sorry you're hurting like you are. I hope you can find happiness.
 
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