Would you drop your current partner for confessing to not using a condom?

SweetSensations

SweetSensations

New member
Soooo, apparently I went out in the desert, came back with a few arrows in my ass, so you can learn from my mistake.

I am upset with myself because I didn't put the condom on the bedside table. I saw his cock and remember thinking, I don't want my saliva cleaned off. I don't want the oil cleaned off. Both men have put an enormous amount of trust in me to be condom safe. MM, even though he is a self-proclaimed germophobe, trusts me to use condoms outside our relationship. MM could lose his account in my city but is still willing to meet with me.

Wow, what a costly oxytocin-high mistake. New STD testing, and waiting 3-6 months to see if I have HIV, maybe getting Dr. Feelgood tested to see if he has anything.

Honesty or lies? I am way above average for truth. Would it behoove me to tell MM that the condom slipped off and so I need to go get STD tested ...yadda yadda? Should I suck it up and tell the truth, which will probably hurt him?

Dr. Feelgood texted me and said, "Come over for a rendezvous, in the Jacuzzi with conditioned water, and I will make you some gumbo and wine."

He asked, "Do you want me inside? All I could think was, "Please, oh god yessss, please stick it in."

Now I gotta tell MM that I was irresponsible and need to wait 3 weeks to get STD tested. I just can't believe I made a conscious decision to do that and that I wasn't thinking condom, I was thinking fellatio oil on penis. I usually also have an insulated cup with water by the bedside to wipe away most of the germs/oil. (BTW, grapeseed oil is good for a massage and fellatio. I didn't mind the taste. Gotta get those omegas somehow.)

About a month ago, I told MM to go ahead and look for a woman, in case he lost his account here, he had a better chance of being set up with a new woman in his own city, since he is so particular about her being clean. Wow, reality is sobering.

I come from a sexless marriage. These two men are my sexual mates, and I have a loving H.
 
Tell the truth now, and it'll be much better for you, and much less drop-worthy, than if you hold onto it and it comes out another way, which it likely will (guilt is a bitch).
 
For the record, I would drop someone in a hot second if they slept with me before telling me that they'd made this mistake with someone else. If they told me first, apologized profusely, professed disbelief that they could have done such a thing, and then did the waiting/testing like a responsible person, I wouldn't drop them.

But getting dropped or not shouldn't be your first concern. Doing the right thing should be.
 
Have not lost sight of telling him what I have done.

SweetSensations said:
He asked, do you want me inside? All I could think was please oh god yessss, please stick it in. Now I gotta tell MM that I was irresponsible and need to wait 3 wks to get STD tested. I just can't believe I made a conscious decision to do that and that I wasn't thinking condom, I was thinking fellatio oil on penis. I usually also have an insulated cup with water by the bedside to wipe away most of the germs/ oil.
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Telling him is a given, posting what I have done on this site is part of my personal smack down. None of you can kick my butt as well as I already have, but I did expect to be met with people who would chastise me for my actions. He or I usually already have the condom on the nightstand. Plus I can't blame him. I must take responsibility for my own part in this fiasco. All of us are STD tested clean 4 months ago. No, here is where it stops with myself. No one else will be at risk.

All partners are aware of each other. The only thing I am contemplating is how to tell him without hurting him.

Thanks, AnnabelMore.
 
Here's how I perceive your post. I could be wrong:

"I feel bad."

Your feelings about yourself right now are cruddy and blah. You could choose self-respecting behavior by just telling all partners what's up. You could forgive yourself your faux pas, to start returning to right relationship with yourself.

"I made a mistake and had risky sex."

Mistakes can happen, even to the best of people. Brain hormone dump can impair judgement. Condoms can break. People deal. You could choose to deal with it.

Would it behoove me to tell MM that the condom slipped off and so I need to go get STD tested? Should I suck it up and tell the truth, which will probably hurt him?
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I perceive that as:

"Should I tell all my partners so they can decide for themselves if they want to get themselves tested?"

You could choose to treat your partners with respect and report what's up. Then they will know so they can make informed decisions about testing, if they want it, or not, if they do not want it. It is up to them.

You could choose good intentions (honest, straight up, trustworthy) rather than bad intentions toward your partners, (dishonesty, lies, untrustworthy). Up to you how you want your intentions to be.

How to tell, when you do tell? Just tell MM straight up--
​
"I made a mistake in judgement. It resulted in no-condom sex. I wanted you to know asap so you can make your best health decisions from a place of being fully informed and knowing what's going on here."​

Keep it simple. You aren't a horrible person. Just do the job in front of you.
 
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Please don't misquote

Quote:
Should I tell my partners so they can decide if they want to get themselves tested?
This is not my quote^^^^^

See my quote above in bold, please. It is a given I am telling MM. (The other knows. He is the one who contributed.) I was just trying to find a gentle way to tell MM that he now has to wait 3 wks and understand it is confined to Dr. FG and me. MM will not have to get retested for STDs, as there is no need to. Dr. Feel Good and I are the ones who have to get retested. Dr. Feel Good has to have STD paperwork on file at the hospital. All of us have been responsible to this point, or at least I have.
 
Sorry, I was still working on it when my kid distracted me. I was trying to change it to bold and then continue. I apologize for the time lapse. Anyway, to continue, I added to the post above to complete my thoughts.

Again, you aren't a horrible person. Things happen. Just move it forward and keep doing the right thing by your partners, even in light of the new situation.
 
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Misquote in bold but I see what you mean.

Thanks for your help, GalaGirl. Just a slight misquote which really makes a huge difference. I will be confessing, for sure. MM will know there was no condom. I was just reluctant to tell him how reckless I was. Oh, believe me, we learned a rough lesson.
SweetSensations said:
I am upset with myself because I didn't put the condom on the bedside.... have put an enormous amount of trust in me to be condom safe...

New STD testing, and waiting 3-6 months to see if I have HIV, maybe getting Dr. Feel Good tested to see if he has anything.

Honesty or lies? I am way above average for truth. Would it behoove me to tell MM that the condom slipped off and so I need to go get STD tested? Should I suck it up and tell the truth, which will probably hurt him?
Now I gotta tell MM that I was irresponsible and need to wait 3 wks to get STD tested. I just can't believe I made a conscious decision to do that. I wasn't thinking condom, I was thinking fellatio oil on penis. I usually also have an insulated cup with water by the bedside to wipe away most of the germs/oil.
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Part of my problem was also that we usually do fellatio on the first and second rounds, and intercourse third round. We switched from fellatio on the second round, to him lying on top of me, and saying, "Do you want it inside you?" then immediate penetration. :( I know, goober behavior. But that is what we did.

I will tell MM today on the phone, or tomorrow in person.
 
Don't lie about it. You'll feel bad for lying, and it might come up later, at which point he will trust you less.

You were overexcited; you forgot to use a condom; you're sorry. Don't wait any longer to tell him all of that! You probably should have told him before you told any of us here. The only thing that would make a difference to me in how upset I would be with a partner is how long they waited.

If they told me right when they noticed, sent me a text from the other woman's place, I'd forgive them in a heartbeat. I'd be annoyed about having to use condoms, but that's that. If they waited until we were about to have sex, that would be the worst. I'm not even willing to consider that someone could have sex with me before they told me about it. I would be more upset than I can imagine, because it would actually be putting me at risk for no reason, and I would be more upset.

So, tell him as early as possible, and don't make up excuses. He might notice and it would make things worse. Plus you should be honest with yourself. That's part of making up for your mistakes: acknowledging them.
 
Here is my letter to MM

My Dearest MM,

I did have sex with Dr Feel Good. I am really ashamed to inform you that I lost my head and did not use a condom. I am horrified, and can't believe after being so responsible I screwed up that bad, and now I have to get retested for STDs.

He was originally tested, yes, and has to have paperwork on file with the hospitals, but none of that matters at this point.

I am so sorry I have disappointed you. I can't begin to imagine what you must feel inside. I don't even know what to say to you, because I don't want to anger or hurt you. All I can do is correct my behavior and be responsible in the future, if there is one. If you do get angry and disappointed, I understand, and don't blame you.

I would love to say there is an excuse for my behavior, but there is none.

I really feel bummed and needed to apologize for my negligence. I will take steps to correct my behavior, if you will allow me to. I hope that you will forgive me in time. I know it is rather impersonal to write you, rather than wait for your call, but I was told to go ahead and write you immediately.

I know might you think Dr FG is partially to blame, because this is a joint responsibility. But I'm not blaming him. Condoms were my commitment to you and to myself. I take full responsibility for my actions.
 
In answer to the question-- no. But I would stop having sex with them until I felt the appropriate steps to regain trust and assess STI risk were taken.
It could be a year or forever, depending on my partner's choices.

As for lying, it's always wrong. No excuses. If I found out my partners lied to me about it, if they did it, I would leave. Period. No exceptions. Lying is a guaranteed termination of relationship. Lying not a mistake, it's a conscious choice to disrespect and dishonor me.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I would stop having sex with them until I felt the appropriate steps to regain trust and assess STI risk were taken. It could be a year or forever depending on my partner's choices.

As for lying, it's always wrong. No excuses. If I found out they lied to me about it... I would leave. Period. No exceptions. Lying is a guaranteed termination of relationship. Lying is not a mistake, it's a conscious choice to disrespect and dishonor me.
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This is what I was having a challenge with. I did not want to tell him this. Anything else but the insanity of the heat of the moment. I was told to make sure I left those details out of the conversation:

He asked, "Do you want me inside?" All I could think was, "Please, oh god yessss, please stick it in." Now I gotta tell MM that I was irresponsible and need to wait 3 wks to get STD tested. I just can't believe I made a conscious decision to do that. I wasn't thinking condom, I was thinking fellatio oil on penis.
 
Still unclear

He was very nice. Kind of silent at times. Then he would perk up and joke around. He said "You can't help it, you are just a horny little girl," and then started laughing. I thought, "Huh?" I thanked him for being kind and making a joke out of it.

I said, "So, does this mean I am not gonna get a spanking, or am I going to get a harder spanking?"

He said, "No more spankings for you." He said, "I want all of the details."

I said, "No baby, I can't."

He said, "I want to know all of the dirty details."

I laughed nervously. Then he started asking questions:

Which hotel?
Did you perform fellatio?
What was it, just the heat of the moment?
Why did you not have him wear a condom? You have plenty of condoms!
Did he make you cum?

I started answering his questions with as little detail as I could get away with. Then he thanked me for telling him and said I didn't have to confess to what I had done.

I said, "Do I get to see you tomorrow?"

There was this pregnant pause. He said, in his Southern accent, "Well, I don't know what we could do."

Tears came to my eyes. My voice dropped. I said, "Okay, Daddy."

Then his phone rang and he said, "I gotta get this. He has already called twice. I'll call ya back."
 
You told and got over the main bump in the road. He thanked you for the info. Now you are planning your next get together. It will be ok. Hang in there.
 
It will be okay. :) You guys will figure it out, and at worst, you'll wait until the test results are back to have unprotected sex with him again.
 
Thanks, Tonberry

I should be fine in the long run. I am not right now.

He said he doesn't want to see me today. He said, "You want to shag me so close to shagging him?"

I feel rejected.

I do have a slight glimmer of hope. I tend to spend well over an hour with fellatio alone, then riding him, then massage, so I would say way more than 75% of my time is focused on him. He may lose his account here, but I doubt he would completely drop me. He is a self-proclaimed germophobe, so I am sure the thought of sex unprotected flips him out.

I found it had more to do with sharing with another man that hurt him so much, even with all the talks about it. Actually following through was different for him.

C'est la vie. One way or another, I will be fine.

Thanks for your help. :)
 
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