You have a set of rules. Do you have a set of consequences?

[Elorahd]

In that case, substitute "In a poly relationship" for each instance of "poly" in my previous post. Yes, there are many mono people happily involved in poly relationships. It doesn't sound like you'd be one of them.

Reading your reply to GG doesn't clarify the situation—assuming by "the situation" you mean his failure to spell it out in words of two syllables or less that the conversation about how he wants a poly relationship, followed by the two of you getting romantic, meant that he thought he'd conveyed the fact that a relationship with him would be a poly one. It says to me that you were hearing only what you wanted to hear. I don't think he could have spelled it out any more clearly.

Effective communication requires that the listener actually listens, not just that the speaker is clear in their words.

He absolutely could have spelled it out more clearly. We spent one romantic weekend together and for all I knew, that was going to be it. We talked about polyamory in theoretical terms, as it concerned his life, not mine. He never asked me how I felt about it. He never asked me if I would be interested. What part of that is perfectly clear? I hear so much on this forum about communication and being honest and straightforward, and that is not what happened here.

 

[Emm]

I'm going to use a food analogy again. Perhaps that means I need to stop for lunch soon.

You and a friend are strolling down the street. You are telling them how much you like Indian food. They smile, nod, and offer their opinion on their favourite spices. It's near dinner time and your friend says they're hungry, so you mention the new Indian place that's just opened up on the next block. You tell them about the rave reviews it's been getting, and as you continue walking the two of you talk about your preferences for really spicy curry vs. something milder like butter chicken. You get to the restaurant, walk in and are seated. When your friend looks over the menu they're distressed to discover that they can't get take-away fish 'n chips.

True, at no point did you say "would you like to eat some Indian food with me today?", but can your friend honestly say—after the discussion and voluntarily walking in to an Indian restaurant—that they thought they would be offered anything else?

 

[BoringGuy]

He absolutely could have spelled it out more clearly. We spent one romantic weekend together and for all I knew, that was going to be it. We talked about poly in theoretical terms, as it concerned his life. Not mine. He never asked me how I felt about it. He never asked me if I would be interested. What part of that is perfectly clear? I hear so much on this forum about communication and being honest and straightforward, and that is not what happened here.

Maybe he never asked if you're interested because HE is not interested in YOU that way. Maybe all he wants is a friends with benefits relationship with you or something in between that and what you have in mind. Maybe he doesn't think that the poly factor is going to be relevant for the two of you because he doesn't think of you as girlfriend or serious partner material, or whatever you want to call it. There could be an infinite number of explanations for why he hasn't brought out the skywriter planes and Ta-Da! Now Hear This! ASKED YOU TO BE INNA POLY!!!!!!!! RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!! I Repeat - POLY i said POLY P as in purple peacock O as in oreoreo L as in lalala i-can't-hear-you and sometimes Y

POLY RELATIONSHIP #omgomgheaskedmeout

 

[LovingRadiance]

This is what I'm hearing the most and sounds the most important. Communication and trust. It sounds like it would be prudent for us to very consciously try and cultivate those.

In my experience, very prudent. I went the route of "fuck up every single way you can first to see what happens" and I definitely suggest taking time to avoid as many of the common traps as possible. Lack of great communication skills (as individuals and together) and trust are definitely two major steps towards avoiding some major pitfalls.

So, are you saying not to do this because neither one of us has never done it before or because he's not perfect at relationships?

Neither. I'm just saying that the tone of your writing is sending a message-and the response you are getting from many posters, that you feel is judgment (and condemnation) is more of a visceral reaction to them already have experienced pitfalls that they see you facing in light of A) your tone combined with B) the situation as you have explained it thus far

 

[LovingRadiance]

Ok, I'm confused. Aren't there plenty of people on here that are mono but in a relationship with a poly? Isn't that what I'm trying to do?

There are monos here who are in a poly dynamic because they love someone and want to be, and there are monos here who are in a poly dynamic because they don't have the balls to tell someone that they love, "I am never going to be happy in this dynamic, so goodbye."
(The same could be said opposite by switching poly/mono everywhere.)

The important question is, which one are you?

Example: My mono boyfriend has devoted himself to me for 20 years, knowing from day one I would never be mono with him. We didn't have these terms then, but I was pointblank he wasn't going to ever be my "one and only". He is completely accepting of my other loves, and has been, whether he was my sexual partner or not at any given time.

But my husband, he's only decided in the last 6-12 months that he is actually devoted to our relationship and willing to accepted that he will never be my one and only. He fought it for years, and it created so much havoc and headache in our lives that any number of posters here will tell you they would have walked out a long time ago.

He absolutely could have spelled it out more clearly. We spent one romantic weekend together and for all I knew, that was going to be it. We talked about poly in theoretical terms as it concerned HIS life. Not mine. He never asked me how I felt about it. He never asked me if I would be interested. What part of that is perfectly clear?? I hear so much on this forum about communication and being honest and straightforward.......and that is not what happened here.

This is still a two-way street. He has a responsibility to be upfront; you have a responsibility to ask questions about how this pertains to you personally. You may have thought it was a one-off. He may have also. Now it's more than that, so you both have a responsibility to address to each other-- "Now what?"

 

[YouAreHere]

Ok, I'm confused. Aren't there plenty of people on here that are mono but in a relationship with a poly? Isn't that what I'm trying to do?

I'm probably one of those mono folks who, if I had known the type of emotional reaction I would have from time to time, and had been able to articulate it, would have been warned off from ever being in a poly relationship.

No, I don't want to "be poly" (I'm not, so that's a moot point anyway), and no, my preferred relationship style is not a poly one. However, I thought a relationship with my partner, regardless of the nature of that relationship, was worth the work it was going to take. And yes, it has taken a lot of work, much of it the self-introspective type.

I do, at the almost-two-year-mark, still have difficulties (although the nature and number of issues has changed and gotten easier over time - not everything is a potential land mine to trip over). I do, sometimes, still question if this will be viable, long-term. When that happens, I remind myself that my MARRIAGE was not viable, long-term, so that's probably a moot point as well. Having a plan doesn't mean it's going to hold. All the communicating we do ("Talk til ya puke" seems to be our motto) does help.

If this relationship does end with a breakup, then no, I will not be inclined to ever be in a poly relationship again, but in this instance, with this person, it is worth it to me. I accept it, I respect and like his OSO, and we have all made compromises. I seem to have won the lottery when it comes to partners and metamours, because we all seem to have the utmost of respect for each other, even when we have no idea what planet we're all from. None of us wants to have any control over the other, and we all genuinely care for each others' feelings. I seem to be in a damn good V, but no... I still wouldn't choose to be in another if this relationship ends.

Listen to the warnings, understand why people are giving them, assess your own situation, and do what you're going to do. You'll at least have an informed starting point. Something I should have done, but I can't ever do things the easy way.

 

[Elorahd]

Yeah, I don't think I'll be tap-dancing around any subjects for fear of hurting his feelings anymore. I did that at first because it was new and I didn't want him to feel unaccepted (which he has a sensitivity to). So I gave him the choice: Do you want me to be perfectly honest or do you want me to temper my opinions so that you feel understood? He chose the former. I have no problems being assertive with how I feel, but that can be overwhelming for some people, and I don't want to chase someone away, because I can be a bit intense at first blush.

I've been reading a lot of articles and reference materials and I'm taking away some really good guidelines. I was wondering if any of you had found certain questions especially helpful in getting to know the other person and their TRUE feelings about what they wanted and what their personal boundaries were?