Coming out
- Thread starter mellsey
- Start date
Nicely articulated. I have more recently had cause to disclose to more people the nature of my relationship with Catfish and Rarechild and the more often I find "socially natural" opportunities to do this, the more confident I become in my ability to express it as matter-of-factly as I feel it. Few people ever get criticized for loving their family.
Co-habitation, poly marriage, coming out-- oh my!
I'm new to this forum, but I've been trying to read through some discussion posts that deal with these things.
My husband and I are fairly new to polyamory/polyfidelity. I had a hard time throughout my early adult years trying to figure out what was missing in my life. I thought swinging was all I needed, but I didn't want just random casual sex. I thought having a BDSM relationship was what I needed. Although enjoyable, it wasn't my choice of life.
I started trying to have another serious relationship on the side as a part of a quad, but the drama was too intense, and the other couple had too many issues to deal with, and we broke it off.
After that, I tried dating single lesbians, although that didn't work either. Tried dating a male, and that was a bust, as well.
I met my current girlfriend and things changed. She was what I wanted. I love her, her family, everything. Her parents already know she's not monogamous, they've known for years. Her sisters, friends, co-workers, etc. all know.
The only people who know on my side are my sister and a handful of friends.
I feel horrible for not "outing" our amazing quad family. However, I'm not sure how my family will take it. Friends aren't my issue; they can take it or leave it.
In reality, it's not my family I'm too worried about. I'm sure there will be some frowns of disapproval. Who I'm worried about is my husband.
His parents aren't exactly approving of alternative lifestyle types. They already aren't that into me (and we've been together 9 years!). His family is small and not as tight as mine. I don't want his family excommunicating him for it.
How can we go about letting people know?
The next two are kind of a merged topic.
I want to marry her. I want to have a home with my family and her family. I want all of us together. It's been 3 long years and we're so happy. Her husband actually pulled me aside a couple of weekends ago to tell me that he's never seen her this happy before. It just works.
They live about 2 hours from us. They have jobs in their area. My husband and I have jobs here. I don't know how to make it all work. I feel as if it's just all going to crumble apart and I don't want that. We're very happy with each other. We all want to be closer, and it doesn't seem as if that's going to work at all, because of family and finances (jobs).
I feel a little nervous about asking her the "big question," and I also feel nervous asking her if she wants to live with us. Ugh!
Sorry for this being so long. I haven't gotten this out and I just needed to talk to people in similar situations about this stuff. Please help me ease my mind and worries. Thank you in advance.
I'm new to this forum, but I've been trying to read through some discussion posts that deal with these things.
My husband and I are fairly new to polyamory/polyfidelity. I had a hard time throughout my early adult years trying to figure out what was missing in my life. I thought swinging was all I needed, but I didn't want just random casual sex. I thought having a BDSM relationship was what I needed. Although enjoyable, it wasn't my choice of life.
I started trying to have another serious relationship on the side as a part of a quad, but the drama was too intense, and the other couple had too many issues to deal with, and we broke it off.
After that, I tried dating single lesbians, although that didn't work either. Tried dating a male, and that was a bust, as well.
I met my current girlfriend and things changed. She was what I wanted. I love her, her family, everything. Her parents already know she's not monogamous, they've known for years. Her sisters, friends, co-workers, etc. all know.
The only people who know on my side are my sister and a handful of friends.
I feel horrible for not "outing" our amazing quad family. However, I'm not sure how my family will take it. Friends aren't my issue; they can take it or leave it.
In reality, it's not my family I'm too worried about. I'm sure there will be some frowns of disapproval. Who I'm worried about is my husband.
His parents aren't exactly approving of alternative lifestyle types. They already aren't that into me (and we've been together 9 years!). His family is small and not as tight as mine. I don't want his family excommunicating him for it.
How can we go about letting people know?
The next two are kind of a merged topic.
I want to marry her. I want to have a home with my family and her family. I want all of us together. It's been 3 long years and we're so happy. Her husband actually pulled me aside a couple of weekends ago to tell me that he's never seen her this happy before. It just works.
They live about 2 hours from us. They have jobs in their area. My husband and I have jobs here. I don't know how to make it all work. I feel as if it's just all going to crumble apart and I don't want that. We're very happy with each other. We all want to be closer, and it doesn't seem as if that's going to work at all, because of family and finances (jobs).
I feel a little nervous about asking her the "big question," and I also feel nervous asking her if she wants to live with us. Ugh!
Sorry for this being so long. I haven't gotten this out and I just needed to talk to people in similar situations about this stuff. Please help me ease my mind and worries. Thank you in advance.
SourGirl
Member
That`s what I was going to type.
As for the OP, you have your ultimate dream. Be happy. Enjoy it. Don`t try to control the destination of that dream. There are lots of ways to live happily, if the relationship itself is happy.
Magic
In terms of finances and moving in together, I'd recommend a nature setting, with high level of self-sufficiency. Though due to America's war on their own people, a more portable solution may be advisable. Some polys use RVs and travel from place to place. It might also be quite doable with sailing boats. You'd be surprised how little money you really need. Can give people boat rides or farm workshops.
In terms of how to ask them about it, I'd recommend setting yourself up as an "intentional community." There are successful polyamorous intentional communities like Twin Oaks. Twin Oaks is highly organized and scheduled to make sure things get done. They share cars, tools, and export products made in the community. With an intentional community, you could have a sets of values, written agreements of preference, can vote on various common issues.
It would be best to let everyone partake in the decision-making process, such as what setting you'd like to live in, how you'd like to get your food and products, etc.
Simply spell out the ideal scenario. Let it magically appear.
Also could use pre-empting, also known as warming them up to an idea. To his family, things like, "You probably like having long-term relationships with many people." Can note how they have friends they've known and partied with for years.
In terms of finances and moving in together, I'd recommend a nature setting, with high level of self-sufficiency. Though due to America's war on their own people, a more portable solution may be advisable. Some polys use RVs and travel from place to place. It might also be quite doable with sailing boats. You'd be surprised how little money you really need. Can give people boat rides or farm workshops.
In terms of how to ask them about it, I'd recommend setting yourself up as an "intentional community." There are successful polyamorous intentional communities like Twin Oaks. Twin Oaks is highly organized and scheduled to make sure things get done. They share cars, tools, and export products made in the community. With an intentional community, you could have a sets of values, written agreements of preference, can vote on various common issues.
It would be best to let everyone partake in the decision-making process, such as what setting you'd like to live in, how you'd like to get your food and products, etc.
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BrigidsDaughter
New member
hurt and confused
One of our good friends has know we're poly for about two years now. When she and I first discussed my relationship with Wendigo she gave her approval. Prior to that conversation, and for a bit after, we flirted with the idea of fooling around, but in the end she was more afraid of losing her boyfriend (even though he gave the okay). I was more than okay with that, but every so often she will dangle the carrot in front of my nose-- hiding my birthday present down her shirt for me to dig for, showing me her new nipple piercings, letting Wendigo and I give her scratchies and massages while she moaned in our laps, and generally leading me on. A few times Wendigo has told her to make up her mind and so have I.
Runic Wolf and I outed ourselves to the rest of our Dag unit while at Ragnarok. One understood right off, our friends who already knew (and Wendigo) remained silent, but Friday morning I caught our good friend, T and our friend P talking about one of our unit heads who was being actively pursued by a member of another unit, but is married and refused to cheat. They were annoyed because everyone was encouraging him to sleep with her. His wife is ARMY and they're living separate lives sans sex, much to his dismay when he does see her. I actually was proud of him for not cheating, but never got a chance to say so.
P made a comment right in front of me that people who are in open or poly relationships must have something seriously wrong at home to make them want that sort of thing. I tried to say something about how it doesn't work for everyone, but P wouldn't let me into the conversation. T said that she'd never do it again. She didn't agree or disagree with him. She did notice me and say that some people can do it and said that she'd never ever do it again. Then she spent the whole rest of our time there treating me like I was less than her. I had already decided, in November, that I was done trying to get her to change her mind. I realized that no matter how attracted to her I am, I'd be settling for her when I really want Pretty Lady. Still, being treated that way, in front of everyone, really hurt. Especially after hearing how she's been done with poly for awhile, after she excitedly showed off her nipples to me for the first time back in May.
I'm torn and confused about how to react. On the one hand, I want to confront her, but after the dramas within our unit on Sunday, I don't want to make things worse. On the other hand, is her not standing up for me and treating me as less (which could be because she's letting her new rank go to her head) worth risking our friendship for, when I really don't want anything more?
One of our good friends has know we're poly for about two years now. When she and I first discussed my relationship with Wendigo she gave her approval. Prior to that conversation, and for a bit after, we flirted with the idea of fooling around, but in the end she was more afraid of losing her boyfriend (even though he gave the okay). I was more than okay with that, but every so often she will dangle the carrot in front of my nose-- hiding my birthday present down her shirt for me to dig for, showing me her new nipple piercings, letting Wendigo and I give her scratchies and massages while she moaned in our laps, and generally leading me on. A few times Wendigo has told her to make up her mind and so have I.
Runic Wolf and I outed ourselves to the rest of our Dag unit while at Ragnarok. One understood right off, our friends who already knew (and Wendigo) remained silent, but Friday morning I caught our good friend, T and our friend P talking about one of our unit heads who was being actively pursued by a member of another unit, but is married and refused to cheat. They were annoyed because everyone was encouraging him to sleep with her. His wife is ARMY and they're living separate lives sans sex, much to his dismay when he does see her. I actually was proud of him for not cheating, but never got a chance to say so.
P made a comment right in front of me that people who are in open or poly relationships must have something seriously wrong at home to make them want that sort of thing. I tried to say something about how it doesn't work for everyone, but P wouldn't let me into the conversation. T said that she'd never do it again. She didn't agree or disagree with him. She did notice me and say that some people can do it and said that she'd never ever do it again. Then she spent the whole rest of our time there treating me like I was less than her. I had already decided, in November, that I was done trying to get her to change her mind. I realized that no matter how attracted to her I am, I'd be settling for her when I really want Pretty Lady. Still, being treated that way, in front of everyone, really hurt. Especially after hearing how she's been done with poly for awhile, after she excitedly showed off her nipples to me for the first time back in May.
I'm torn and confused about how to react. On the one hand, I want to confront her, but after the dramas within our unit on Sunday, I don't want to make things worse. On the other hand, is her not standing up for me and treating me as less (which could be because she's letting her new rank go to her head) worth risking our friendship for, when I really don't want anything more?
serialmonogamist
New member
The problem is knowing what to say when it does. Awkward silences can be unpleasant. I think a good way to come out about having poly relationships would be to prelude with how morally terrible you find it when people lie and cheat in relationships because they need to maintain a facade of natural monogamous feelings. I'm guessing many monogamous people would feel their own hypocrisy when you put it that way. Just say that you and your partner talked openly about your feelings and realized that you both felt limited by monogamy, but love each other too much to lose each other. If you get negative reactions, it's probably just out of jealousy and frustration that people feel in maintaining their own facade.
IndieSolo
Active member
Found a website for poly peeps who are "out"
Just discovered this site where people share stories of being "openly poly," and thought some folks would find it useful and interesting:
http://www.openlypoly.net/
Just discovered this site where people share stories of being "openly poly," and thought some folks would find it useful and interesting:
http://www.openlypoly.net/
River
Well-known member
I agree with this 1000%!
I'm simply astonished at the level of fear of coming out I read and hear about. But I'm the B in the LGBT, and I have caught the flame of the broadly framed civil rights movement, the spirit of courageous public nakedness and honesty, the passion for visible truth!
Stand up, people! Join arms and hands with your brothers and sisters, with pride!
River
Well-known member
To the documentary filmmakers among us: I pledge $100.00, American, to the doc maker who will commit to a serious project under the title: The Polyamory Underground. (Okay, the title is just a suggestion.) I want to see a film made where the invisibles (with disguised voices and faces) talk openly about their "underground" life, their life of hiding in the poly closet, trembling in fear. I want to see comparisons with pre-Stonewall gay America and the post-Stonewall era as a dream. I want our invisibility visible.
Who will pledge money to this project? Let's collect $10,000 as a grant/gift to entice the right folks. And we can choose an existing poly org to decide among filmmakers who can/will apply for the grant money encouragement.
I'll create a topic for this called "Pledge Drive" in General Discussions.
Who will pledge money to this project? Let's collect $10,000 as a grant/gift to entice the right folks. And we can choose an existing poly org to decide among filmmakers who can/will apply for the grant money encouragement.
I'll create a topic for this called "Pledge Drive" in General Discussions.
Openly Poly also really needs new stories! So, if you have something to share, please get in contact http://www.openlypoly.net/contact-us/ !
OpenandCountry
New member
Didn't know where else to put this...so here it goes. In one of my master's courses I had to write a paper about my undergrad experience. Being poly and bisexual, and the process I had to go through to find that identity, was a huge part of my conflict as a young adult. I go to a very liberal school, so I don't fear any repercussions from my professor, but he is the first person I've come out to other than my sisters and close friends....in other words, someone I'm not close to. I feel nervous, yet surprisingly relieved.
rory
New member
I'm totally out to all my friends and they are all supporting as hell. I'm really lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. <3
I consider my friends and partners to be WAY closer to me than any of my "family." I guess, of my parents, I'd say I'm closest to my father, although we only see each other about once a year, plus exchange a few e-mails/texts during the year. So he's not a big presence in my life, but we mostly get along, and we talk about all kinds of stuff. We have quite different values, as he's a fundamentalist Christian.
Anyway, I came out to him maybe two years ago about my bisexuality. It wasn't something I needed to tell him, but it goes against my nature to be in a closet. He didn't take it well (as I knew he wouldn't). He's not judgmental to my face (as in saying I will burn in hell or something like that). But in general he does think that same-sex action is a sin and sick and all that. This summer I mentioned to him that I'm not monogamous with my husband, and I exchanged a few e-mails with him about that (and some other stuff) just today.
I'm getting tired of feeling sad about the fact that he isn't able to accept me as I am. I don't want this in my life; I want to move on. My childhood was based around me trying to get acceptance from my parents, and I'm done with that. In general, I don't care what anybody thinks about me unless it's somebody close to me. I hate that I still give so much power to his thoughts, i.e., that he still has the power to make me so sad. I don't know if I can move on while having the (almost but not quite non-existent) relationship we have now. But we can't really have more, and not having any kind of relationship at all feels sort of drastic.
I don't really know what I'm looking for with posting, and this is probably sort of incoherent and incomplete. Kind of just wanted to share with some people for whom coming out is relevant in their lives.
I consider my friends and partners to be WAY closer to me than any of my "family." I guess, of my parents, I'd say I'm closest to my father, although we only see each other about once a year, plus exchange a few e-mails/texts during the year. So he's not a big presence in my life, but we mostly get along, and we talk about all kinds of stuff. We have quite different values, as he's a fundamentalist Christian.
Anyway, I came out to him maybe two years ago about my bisexuality. It wasn't something I needed to tell him, but it goes against my nature to be in a closet. He didn't take it well (as I knew he wouldn't). He's not judgmental to my face (as in saying I will burn in hell or something like that). But in general he does think that same-sex action is a sin and sick and all that. This summer I mentioned to him that I'm not monogamous with my husband, and I exchanged a few e-mails with him about that (and some other stuff) just today.
I'm getting tired of feeling sad about the fact that he isn't able to accept me as I am. I don't want this in my life; I want to move on. My childhood was based around me trying to get acceptance from my parents, and I'm done with that. In general, I don't care what anybody thinks about me unless it's somebody close to me. I hate that I still give so much power to his thoughts, i.e., that he still has the power to make me so sad.
I don't know if I can move on while having the (almost but not quite non-existent) relationship we have now. But we can't really have more, and not having any kind of relationship at all feels sort of drastic.I don't really know what I'm looking for with posting, and this is probably sort of incoherent and incomplete. Kind of just wanted to share with some people for whom coming out is relevant in their lives.
IndieSolo
Active member
Just as parents need to accept that their children are adults making their own choices, part of the growing-up process is accepting that our parents are no longer our parents. It is possible to see them as just people. Yes, they are the people who gave us life, instilled their beliefs and values in us, loved us, nurtured us, and raised us, but they aren't parenting us anymore, and at some point there has to be a disengagement from the emotional need for their approval.. . . I'm getting tired of feeling sad about the fact that he isn't able to accept me as I am. I don't want this in my life; I want to move on. My childhood was based around me trying to get acceptance from my parents, and I'm done with that. In general, I don't care what anybody thinks about me, unless it's somebody close to me. I hate that I still give so much power to his thoughts, i.e., that he still has the power to make me so sad.
The only way I know how to do that is to stop thinking of them as our parents. Really, to step back a bit and start looking at them as almost strangers you are just getting to know. That doesn't mean we don't honor them and show respect for what they gave us, but it is a letting go of any romantic notions that they still have power over us.
It can be done. I know people who have, and they have wonderful friendships with their parents because of it.
I was able to do that with my father, which freed me a great deal from unhealthy attachment to him, but I couldn't completely do that with my mother. It's a process, but it starts with proactively choosing to see them differently.
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I suppose I "care." That's why I don't share this interest with everyone openly and haven't shared with any of my family members. However, I also feel somewhat the same. Once I've told some friends, I figure they will either like me, or not. So far, a good group of them are okay with it. Yay! Now there are some my husband and I are holding back on, since we pretty much know their viewpoints, and heck, not ALL our friends/family etc. need to know EVERYTHING, right?
S.
S.
AnnabelMore
Active member
Today is National Coming Out Day, btw! I posted on facebook about being bi, which is no secret anyway. Not quiiiite brave enough yet to post about poly, even though all those close to me know. I *did* put up photos of Gia, Bee and Davis in my office at work, maybe I'll be brave enough to say who they all are to me if someone asks.