Poly with problems

[knightsaber]

HI all. I ended up here after a very difficult time in my life, and having finally come to terms with who I am and what I want, having already had it and lost it because I didn't understand my feelings until it was too late.

I feel the need to tell this story and share with people who may understand, rather than those who will just dismiss it as disgusting and wrong.

I live in Sheffield, in the UK. I am currently seeing a married woman, Alina, with whom I am very much in love. Yet there used to be so much more.

About a year ago, friends approached me and my then-girlfriend Olive, about possibly being involved in a cross-couple poly relationship. It was something we had never ruled out of our relationship, and we were both open-minded individuals. So after some long talks we decided to give it a shot.

Initially it was supposed to be a once-a-month sort of situation, but we very quickly fell into a routine of seeing each other multiple times a week, at their house or ours, or going away for the weekends together. Everything seemed fine for a long time, but problems began to surface when I perceived that Olove seemed to be a lot happier, both physically and emotionally, when with the Carter, the other guy. Partly because we were growing apart, due to various health issues and home life. Olive said repeatedly this wasn't the case, but her actions spoke more to me than her words, and soon I became jealous. Looking back, this jealousy became all-encompassing, and actually blinded me to the amazing relationship we had with the other couple. There was so much love between the four of us, and I forgot to look at the good parts. Olive was so much happier. I was the happiest I'd been in my life. Yet I couldn't see it.

About a month ago, I decided I needed to end it with them, despite still having strong feelings for Alina. I ended it. Olive immediately left me, blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues over the breakup, rather than the fact she could no longer see Carter.

People tell me it's the loss I feel from losing Olive that makes me feel this way. But in all honesty, it isn't. After I forced us apart I realized the feelings I had for Alina were very strong. I had fallen in love with her but had blinded myself to it. I had taken Olive from someone she and I cared about very much and had hurt them terribly. I stopped and finally thought about the times we four had shared together, and realized I shouldn't have been jealous. The times we had all shared together were the best of my life.

Olive and I are now separated. She is now seeing Carter again. I am seeing Alina again. She makes me happy. I can accept the relationship as it is and for who I am. I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let one thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with Olive.

I am polyamorous. I want it as part of my life. Yet I think I may struggle to find another partner like Olive, who accepts this relationship the way it is.

 

[IndieSolo]

About a month ago I decided I needed to end it with them despite still having strong feelings for Alina. I ended it. Olive immediately left me, blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues for the breakup, rather than the fact she could no longer see Carter.

Why couldn't she continue seeing them and also be with you? You broke off your relationship with them. She didn't have to stop seeing them when you stopped.

Olive and I are now separated. She is now seeing Carter again. I am seeing Alina. She makes me happy. I can accept the relationship as it is and for who I am. I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let one thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with olive.

I am polyamorous. I want it as part of my life. I think I may struggle to find another partner like Olive, who accepts this relationship the way it is.

You got back together with Alina. And Olive is seeing Carter again. But you want Olive back, too? Is there a reason why can't you talk to her about it?

 

[knightsaber]

I should have probably pointed out, initially the relationship was arranged as a cross-couple situation on our side. If one wasn't happy we would stop. I pointed out my problems with seeing Olive with Carter, and that I was feeling jealous, because she seemed to want him and not me. In actual fact it was more of a problem in our relationship that was causing my issues of jealousy. Primarily my anxiety issues, and us not spending time together because of that, also led to me obsessing over certain things. My focus on making Olive happy was also focused on the wrong areas, and this only added to the strain. Unfortunately, I was so blinded by my issues at the time, I couldn't stop and look at the situation clearly.

Again, I don't believe I feel this way because I want Olive back. I do want her back. But this is how I feel about the idea of being in the cross-couple relationship, and being able to live without the restrictions of mono relationship. It's a wonderful thing to be able to have that freedom. Olive left me because that is what she wanted, and I was holding her back from it. It was only afterward that I realised how beautiful a thing that kind of relationship is. It allowed all that love into my life. I fell in love again, which was a wonderful feeling. I miss Olive. I miss Carter. I miss us all spending time together, like we used to.

Olive has already decided that my previous/ongoing issues are too much for her to live with. She no longer feels the same about me. That's why she's leaving me.

 

[Papillon]

I am the married woman ("Alina") in question. I've been on this forum for a while, but mostly only lurked rather than posted. Knightsaber didn't know I was a member when he joined.

We're currently trying to adjust to a new routine based on the new set-up of relationships, which is a bit weird. But I'm hopeful. I'm always hopeful. I'm an eternal optimist.

My husband Carter has also recently started another relationship with someone new. It is currently long-distance but may not be soon, so that adds another factor into the mix.

 

[IndieSolo]

Hi and welcome!

Carter also recently started another relationship with someone new. It's currently long-distance, but may not be soon, so that adds another factor into the mix.

So, this latest person is in addition to Knightsaber's ex-gf, Olive, whom Carter is also seeing, correct? If Olive is still seeing Carter, but not speaking to Knightsaber anymore, does that create tension among you all and make things difficult?

I'm just trying to get clear on who all the players are, and the dynamic.

 

[Magdlyn]

About a year ago, friends (Alina and Carter) approached me and my then girlfriend Olive about possibly being involved in a cross-couple poly relationship. It was something we had never ruled out of our relationship. We were both open minded individuals so after some long talks we decided to give it a shot. initially it was supposed to be a once a month sort of situation, but we very quickly fell into a routine of seeing each other multiple times a week, at their house or ours. or going away for the weekends together. Everything seemed fine for a long time, but problems began to surface when I perceived that Olive seemed to be a lot happier when with Carter, partly because we were growing apart due to various health issues and home life. She said repeatedly this wasn't the case, but her actions spoke more to me than her words and soon I became jealous.

This is a common concern for poly newbies. (I've experienced it as well.) It's called "NRE," new relationship energy. The first few months of a new relationship are intoxicating. Infatuation causes all kinds of strong hormones to be released, leading to an obsessive feeling. The primary relationship can seem lesser for a while, since that relationship involves lots of day-to-day things (household management, illness, children, etc.).

There is an art to managing NRE. Do a search here on NRE to see how people cope.

I was the happiest I'd been in my life yet I couldn't see it.

You were happy in your own NRE with Papillon, yet Olive's NRE drove you crazy. If only you'd known it would fade over time (for all of you), and meanwhile knew the coping strategies to keep your primary relationship strong while you were both in NRE with others!

About a month ago, I decided I needed to end it with them. Despite still having strong feelings for Olive, I ended it. Olive immediately left me, blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues over the break up, rather than the fact she could no longer see Carter.

So, you had that kind of veto power over whom Olive could be with?

However, it's not "over." Both of you are still seeing the members of the other couple.

I had taken Olive from someone she and I cared about very much and had hurt them terribly. I stopped and finally thought about the times we four had shared together, and realized I shouldn't have been jealous. The times we all shared together were the best of my life.

Poly life lesson learned!

By the way, it's okay to feel jealousy. Most of us do. It's how you handle the jealousy that counts.

Olive and I are now separated. She is seeing Carter again. I am seeing Alina again... I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let one thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with Olive.

I am poly. I want it as part of my life. I think I may struggle to find another partner like Olive, who accepts this relationship the way it is.

Perhaps there is still a chance for you two to get back together, if you are able to educate yourself more around jealousy and NRE and show her what you've learned. How long had you and Olive been together before you started up with Papillon and Carter? How long had you lived together? Where are you and Olive living now?

 

[Papillon]

So, she is in addition to Knightsaber's ex-gf, Olive, whom Carter is also seeing, correct? If Olive is still seeing Carter, but not speaking to Knightsaber anymore, does that create tension among you all and make things difficult?

Yep, that's correct. He is seeing two people in addition to me, and I am seeing Knightsaber in addition to him. There is definitely tension at the moment. This all happened very recently and we're still trying to figure out exactly how things need to be now. It's also complicated by the fact that Carter has been upset/angered by some things that happened recently and it has jeopardised the friendship between him and Knightsaber. Carter and I don't have veto power, barring any exceptional circumstances where something was really adversely affecting our relationship. Anyway, he has already told me that he doesn't want to stop me doing anything in this case, as long as I'm considerate of his feelings, so my relationship with Knightsaber is not at risk.

I'm hopeful that they can repair their friendship. In the meantime, our 'rule' has always been that everyone has to be able to be civil, not that everyone has to be best mates. 'Our rule,' in this case, refers to Carter's and mine. It's one of the things we agreed on when we opened our relationship last year.

 

[IndieSolo]

Okay, thanks for the clarification. Now I have another question to both of you. What is it that the two of you, Papillon and Knightsaber, are seeking here on this forum?

Is there a particular problem or circumstance that you need advice or feedback on, or is this just a safe place to vent some difficult feelings? In other words, how can we help?

 

[Papillon]

Like I said, I've been lurking here for months. I find it useful and interesting to read everyone's stories and see the advice that is given in various situations. I figured I'd post if I ever had a question I couldn't work out the answer to by reading other threads.

I saw Knightsaber's post, realised it was him, and figured I'd better point out that I am a member here. I said I was happy to either leave this thread to him, or post and add my perspective. He asked me to post. So I did.

 

[knightsaber]

As was said previously, I didn't realize Papillon was a member here. I joined because I've been struggling with my feelings and trying to figure myself out over the past month. It hasn't been as simple as breaking off with Papillon and Carter, Olive being upset, and leaving me, and that was the end of it. I just wanted to be able to talk to like-minded people and see what their point of view was on the situation.

Olive and I were together for about 5 and half years before we coupled with Papillon and Carter. We lived together for a year before it happened.

Less than a few days after breaking things off with Papillon and Carter, I realized something was wrong. I didn't just miss Olive; I missed Papillon a lot more than I'd realized I would. And I missed Carter. I missed what we had together. Initially this led me to say to Olive that I would probably be okay with the cross-coupling again, but needed time. She tried to work things out with me, but couldn't, as she said she no longer felt the same about me and the quad, and didn't want to be limited in her relationships the way I had proposed. So she ended it.

I have done a lot of soul-searching in the past few weeks, read a lot and written a lot about myself, Olive, Papillon and Carter. Everyone keeps saying my mind is changing all the time because I'm desperate to get Olive back. But regardless of if she will be with me again in the future, or never, I believe I want to pursue this. I love Papillon very much, but am now totally open to other relationships. I wouldn't leave Papillon if she had other partners. I wouldn't stop Olive from having further partners. Unfortunately it has taken this turn of events to actually make me realize this about myself.

Right now things are tense, because I still love Olive very much. Seeing her with Carter, and not being able to be with her myself, is hurting a lot. I am jealous of him for this. I don't want to be, but I am. I care for them both.

Olive is currently in the process of moving out. We are still living together, but she doesn't want to be there. It's very difficult at the moment.

I have made a lot of mistakes. I let jealousy rule my emotions when I should have been managing it.

 

[Minxxa]

You say you're changing your mind a lot right now. Well, duh!

You just opened up a huge amount of emotions, thoughts and feelings you never had before. You didn't have the skills to cope with them. That happens to a lot of people. I think it's great that you're actually working through the thoughts and feelings, instead of just reacting (though I'm sure reactions happen!). It's also not easy, and sometimes unpleasant.

Perhaps you need a bit of time to sit with what's gone on so far, and let it settle a bit. Olive seems to have made up her mind to move out, so you could let her have space and time for now, while you work through your stuff. I know that when things are shifting/changing it can make us cling more, or try to "work harder" to get everything to work out "right" (i.e., the way we want it). Unfortunately, sometimes things work out they way they want to, or should, and that's not always the way we'd choose.

I think maybe some time of just "being" might be nice for everybody, so that they can kind of assess what's gone on, assimilate the changes, and adapt a bit. You can see where you all are at that point. Just be caring, thoughtful and respectful in the meantime. I think some time will help.

 

[knightsaber]

I know it's very early after what's happened, but because of the way the everything has ended up, I fear I may struggle to form future meaningful relationships with other females, as I don't know if I'll find anyone that will accept my relationship with Papillon the way Olive did.

 

[IndieSolo]

You were together for over five years. Give yourself time to grieve before thinking about who else you will be with in the future. Just know there are other very understanding poly women out there.

 

[47newbie]

Knightsaber, perhaps it will help to remember that one person cannot always be "all" or meet all needs of another. I consider this the very essence of polyamory.

The topic which comes up from time to time when I discuss alternative relationships with monogamous friends is that I'm somehow cheating my wife by not asking for a divorce before pursuing other relationships. Honestly, I think the opposite is truth. I believe the other relationships fulfill needs not being met inside the marriage relationship, both non-sexual and sexual.

I'm new to trying to understand poly too. The one truth I have found is that complete honesty in communications both helps and hinders the journey. Also, you have to accept that jealousy is part of the emotional package. We all need to keep trying.

Intimacy without sex may be one option you could consider for starting new relationships. Everyone needs to be comfortable in their relationship status before the passions ensues. In my view, it gives you a safe corner if challenges force changes in the relationship.