When does polyamory get the blame?

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dingedheart

Well-known member
I've read on several threads in which the relationship(s) collapse-- "Don't blame polyamory." Or, "The problem wasn't poly, it was bad communication, or the lies and dishonesty." In my own situation, people have said similar things, and I wouldn't argue it at all. But it seems like when it works, polyamory gets the credit-- "The best thing that we ever did," "We are so so much closer, and I'm so much happier now, and partner is happy that I'm happy. It's just a big ball of loving happiness. It's a win-win."

When it fails, it was the bad communication skills, the dishonesty, the cheating, deep marital issues from years earlier that were never properly dealt with. Someone being inflexible, not willing to "do the work," to go to therapy and work on their issues with the new dynamic, etc. The concept of polyamory is never blamed.

Or, is this a case of "Everyone dies of heart failure"?

Has anyone seen a situation in which they could blame polyamory for the break-up of a relationship? I don't think I've seen that yet.
 
dingedheart said:
It seems like when it works, polyamory gets the credit...
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I wouldn't necessarily give poly the credit. As I see it, the statements above are likely due to the fact that the couple are BOTH putting in extra time and effort to make their relationship work. They are paying attention to each other's needs and sensitivities, not just to get something in return, but because the relationship is worth it. The couple will talk/communicate more, make the effort to schedule more time together, make the effort to calm each others insecurities, etc.

Just as polyamory can be "the straw that breaks the camel's back" of a marriage, it can also be the catalyst for each partner to make the extra effort.
 
My current boyfriend ended a relationship with his girlfriend of 4 years because he wanted to explore polyamory, and she couldn't/wouldn't. They were good in most other respects. It really was the start of the poly idea that was the beginning of the end, and they both seem to think so.

But do people ever blame imonogamy as a concept when their relationship fails?

How do you separate out the concept from the people practicing it, or attempting to? I guess for those two, you could say it was the poly concept to "blame." But really if you look closer, they had fundamentally different ideas about freedom, obligation, etc., that probably would have manifested in some other way had he decided poly was something he didn't want.

I'm just thinking about it now... What would that even mean, blaming poly alone, as some abstract concept? So, you try something new in your relationship, you love it or hate it, then essentially what happens next is actually all about communication, honesty, etc. What else is there?

As far as I see it, relationships work when good people get together and commit to treating each other well. The details of how that's organized seem secondary, so I would imagine that blaming polyamory would also be a symptomatic thing.

Or, of course, life just goes on and relationships end. :p
 
Polyamory and monoamory are both ways of having loving relationships. For some people, the structure really is the problem, because they're just not cut out to do it any other way, and that can go in both directions. But even then, the problem is not the structure itself, the problem is the pitfalls of trying to get someone to accept something that just fundamentally clashes with how they find their happiness. Like, if I absolutely cannot deal with my partner seeing anyone else, and she absolutely cannot deal with only seeing me, so we split up, is monogamy to blame? Is polyamory? No, we were just incompatible in that respect.

People lie, manipulate and make mistakes within both structures and, again, it's not the structures that are to blame. Poly can spur some people to become more honest and more happy, and can spur others to become dysfunctional, but so can monogamy. It all depends on who you are. I put it all on the individuals involved to recognize what works for them.
 
I agree with what has been said before me. Looking at polyamory or monogamy as the problem misses the real issue.

The challenge is finding a way of relating and loving that is compatible with our needs, desires, etc. Incompatibilities exist and relationships end. Mistakes are made and relationships end. Those incmpatibilities or mistakes may rub up against the "expectations and understandings" of a particular form. But, are the forms themselves "to blame?" These things happen irrespective of relationship form.

The real issues are deeper.
 
MindfulAgony said:
The real issues are deeper.
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i agree and i see the same happening whenever the terms are straight or gay, not only mono or poly.

BTW blaming poly way of living IMO is like blaming nakedness for its existance.
 
The thought or question was born from comments written here many times. I guess to distill it further : the decision to try poly...similar to a standard monogamous marriage contract. It has been said here many times " I read this book and I think I'm poly and I need help in telling my spouse because I'm afraid it will end my marriage. Or the pursuit of this lifestyle will end my marriage. AND it has over and over. Is that just standard rollover or an additional stressor.


So if the converse happened. Two people who had been in numinous poly tangles and for whatever reason they find each other and "decide" to be monogamous FOREVER, its LOVE:D... marriage contract/vows blessings by the Pope. It was a beautiful affair but 5-7 yrs in it fails. :( Was it the communication ...lies. etc. etc
 
I think it's still the same response.

People may try something out and find it doesn't suit them, their preferences, predilections, etc. Or find that it brings out their worst behaviors, fears, and or tendances... Regardless, it's about fit or about behavior... the relationship form is just the vehicle through which the drama played out.

This is how I think of my experience with monogamy. But, it's not monogamy's "fault." Instead, it's the particular match between my own sets of abilities, preferences and neurosis that made it not particularly suitable.

In a more general sense, what I do fault is the lack of widespread awareness and acceptance of a broader set of choices. Not having (or not perceiving that I have) a choice of relationship style was to blame; not being supported in finding the right relationship form that best suited my and my partner(s) personality, preferences etc. and being able to "re-choose" at any time (because things change) would be the culprit to blame as "at fault."
 
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I think it all just comes down to how you behave in relationships. If you are a selfish person who has no empathy and doesn't take other people's feelings into consideration, you're going to have problematic relationships whether you are polyamorous or monogamous.

If you are a caring person who takes care of yourself but also cares about those who you are involved with, if you express empathy and are trustworthy and can communicate well, or at least attempt-- you will most likely have rewarding relationships either way as well.

After that it all just depends on how well you choose your partners to match the type of relationship you want to have...
 
MindfulAgony said:
the relationship form is just the vehicle through which the drama played out.

But, it's not monogamy's "fault." Instead, it's the particular match between my own sets of abilities, preferences and neurosis that made it not particularly suitable.

what I do fault is the lack of widespread awareness and acceptance
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ok, we go through what we need to "grow up" within our precious re-newal so that symptons and signals get the same "weight" and it's definitely up to us to chose from within our awarness and Presence;..but i wanted to add that neurosis in particular is brought up whenever sourroundings force us to deny ourselves what's natural that we would reach; it's obviously more difficult being Present when "associations" are confused with someone less "alert" than we are*.
usually i don't like the word "blame" 'cause i balance more on responsability and awareness in counsciousness (?! ehm, i chose the right words, i hope..), but we may not deny that every effect comes from one/more cause, inner or external; about "mariage" and sex we know that the most part of neurosis comes from a thousands years imposed external institution. and we still deal with it sooo much!

Minxxa said:
After that it all just depends on how well you choose your partners to match the type of relationship you want to have...
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*yes, do we want to say it's also about "personal structure" and/or karma?!
hi, minxxa, happy we met :)
 
In my personal experience if there had not been an affair in our mono relationship we never would have stepped over into poly. Our problem was 1) we were not ready for it (poly) as a couple 2) we always had communication issues 3) because of said affair there were trust issues 4) after stepping over into poly more underlying issues came up. Now, with all of that being said, i do not blame being poly as the reason my marriage ended. It was already well on its way to being over. However, i do believe that poly was what gave it the final push.

Now, yes, I am still poly. My x, I don't know if he is still trying poly or not nor do i care. I have become a better person with more understanding and patience. I like who i am becoming and i love where i am. Taking the step into poly has been and still is good for me.
 
I wonder if trying ethical non-monogamy (I wouldn't call it poly exactly) hastened the end of our relationship. It didn't cause Beloved and I break up though.
 
As I already stated this question sprung to mind after reading carma's blog and thread by poobah stating "it" was over....(not his marriage but his poly involvement). With two sides to every coin and issue its likely that you'll find disagreements on root causes associated with the assigning blame.

Opalescent, how does beloved view the break up? I don't know anything of your story so forgive me.

PolyFiTri, sorry I don't know your history either but it sound like there is some similarities with carma's story. Sorry it didn't work out.

Mindful, What I was suggesting was the fault lie in the decision to try monogamy. Knowing the history and character and patterns of the individuals prior to the decision.
 
dingedheart said:
Opalescent, how does beloved view the break up? I don't know anything of your story so forgive me.
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Dinged,

I answered solely from my perspective. From my perspective, we broke up because of not communicating well on sexual issues, because of weakening in our connection caused by physical distance, and because we are very, very different people and that, suddenly (for me), became a problem and not a strength.

I have a blog here, called Postmortem, that blathers on about some of this stuff a bit more, if you are so inclined.

But Beloved almost certainly has a very different perspective on non-monogamy and why we broke up. I will ask her.

My dating men really bothered her. I thought she didn't like the men I was seeing but she told me in our breakup conversation that the whole thing -not just who I was seeing - really bothered her. Unfortunately she didn't tell me this months before, when we decided to try non-monogamy, when I talked to her about seeing SW (I didn't do anything before talking it over with her) and so on. I don't know why she didn't tell me. This is something that bothers me to this day. If I had the information I have now, I might have made different choices. It might not have saved our relationship - our problems really were internal and not based on outside people - but I wonder.
 
Opal,

I did go back a read up on your history, got a wonderful education on fisting...ill hold my questions on that til later... very sorry things didn't work out.. by the way.
She was sort of poly all along right? 10 yrs before you met. You said decades. And was your decision to date after she left town? How much effort did you put in to find a job out there? When there's a will there's way type thing.

Maybe it did really bother her but because she moved across the country to follow her dream she felt she couldn't say anything .....oh ya she had a guy too ...the hypocrisy might have been another factor.

In my own situation my wife blames her decision to push this as the beginning of the end. (if you can rally believe that or it's someone saying what they think you want to hear) I can see the logic behind that and perhaps its true ...but I would blame her mental health or things much further back. I blame myself for the candidate/ partner selection process.. clearly failed, I blame myself for NOT listening to my gut. And add half dozen more to round things off.


Edit: the problem with mentioning fisting in a thread is you know who will come running ... hint ...starts with S and rhymes with Earl. Wink
 
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Huh ? What ? Did somebody say fisting ?


dinged ? --> ..l..

That`s a fist, with a middle finger, telling you you`re # 1 ! :D


Back on topic :

If poly is something that cannot be 'blamed' directly, only indirectly, then does that settle the battle on polyamory being a 'choice' vs orientation ?

....Something to think about.
 
Can I get a link to Carna's story/post?

I don't post much in the way of my story because its rather long and quite complicated and I'm not sure where to start with it.
 
Is poly to blame?

Our marriage almost disintigrated when he was involved with someone else.

For years and years and years, he'd do something slightly disrespectful, I'd not like it, and in order to keep the peace (because we loved each other and really those small transgressions were not worth the trouble of a fight - for 11 years we'd only had a handful of "fights") i would let it slide.

And then he started seeing someone.

And she'd do something disrespectful. And he would blow it off. I felt disrespected by HER and then by HIM, and I stopped letting things slide. In the space of 6 months, we went from 11 years of not fighting (except that handful) to fighting every other DAY.

Was poly to blame? No, not really - it was simply the catalyst that forced us to re-examine how we interacted with each other. In the end, we stayed together, and we are stronger and more stable than we've ever been (the word divorce hasn't been mentioned in over a year... YAY US!) and if it wasn't for "poly" we wouldn't have the level of communication and trust we have.

So is poly to blame? LOL... yes and no :)
 
PolyFiTri said:
Can I get a link to Carna's story/post?

I don't post much in the way of my story because its rather long and quite complicated and I'm not sure where to start with it.
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Check the Life stories and blogs forum, she has a couple of threads there. Or do a search for her username. You can click on a member's profile to see all of their threads.
 
Sourgirl

well ,well well, what a surprise.....nice of you to flip in. Your creativity is amazing ...don't thing I've ever been flipped off in writing...another first. God you made me laugh.

The answer to your question is ...No

And you now owe me 27.50 cash ...USD

Polyfi...it could be a typo...but you had Carna its Carma, just wanted your search to work and be the right person.

MBG,
It seems those who make it through and are successful are like war buddies or survivors of some tragic event. My dad was in WWII and got together with guys in his unit ...(NJ to California) til the last one died all in their 80's so bonding like that might occur. I guess that's different thread topic but it goes to the idea of giving poly the credit for a great relationship and being on the benefit side of things.

And whatever happened with your sound problems????Speaking of that Cindie did you use the duct tape on the neighbors mouth?
 
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