Don't even know where to begin...

[JustMe]

My husband and I had a dear friend, a best friend, a friend whom we'd known for three years before we invited him into our home to share our lives. It was wonderful. He was "just a friend," but we worked incredibly well as a household for 3 years. My husband has always been very jealous and so, when I developed sexual feelings for our friend, I didn't feel comfortable sharing them with him.

Then I did something really stupid. We started an affair. I lied to myself and told myself that I could have everything. I love them both so much, in slightly different ways. It has always been so clear to me that I love my husband deeply and passionately and want to share and build a life with him. I also always wanted to have this other person in my life and felt such a strong emotional connection. As it is with all deceits, we were found out. About 8 months ago, our entire world exploded and our friend was forced to move out. I can not express exactly how much I realize that I was wrong and committed the unforgivable betrayal.

My total comfort with the concept of polyamory opened it up for discussion as we have been trying to work things out. My husband had a good friend from a previous job that he often confided in as he struggled to work things out. One night, one thing led to another. He knew that I was okay with it, so he could explore that experience. He had never thought that it was possible to have that kind of love for two people simultaneously. He realized it was possible and that it had happened.

We agreed that he could explore the relationship, and acknowledged that my betrayal made it still too soon for me to have any contact with my former lover. If he decided polyamory wasn't for us, I was willing to make the choice live in a monogamous relationship. I could be, and was, for several years, happy this way.

However, he decided poly wasn't something he could deal with. The idea of me with someone else, especially this other person (the only one I really have any desire to connect to besides my husband), wasn't something he could handle.

He also has really fallen in love with this other woman and I truly want to honor that. I've been there and know the pain of separation. He's allowed me to have electronic contact with my former lover, but acknowledges that he's still incredibly angry with him. Angry enough that it scares him.

Sometimes, as I'm home alone, while he's off with his girlfriend (this doesn't happen often, once every two weeks or so) I start wondering if my guilt has made me overly compliant. The irony of my interest in polyamory triggering him having a new relationship, while I'm not allowed to, is not lost on me. His being with her doesn't make me jealous. But it makes me angry/sad/baffled that he can feel that connection and still deny me having it again. Is this fair? A suitable consequence for having cheated?

To be true to my beliefs, I feel like I have to allow the relationship to continue. Destroying something that I know is special and precious to him would make me feel like a heel. Selfishly, I also don't want to have to trade off "you can't see her" and losing the little remaining contact I do have with the person who was basically my best friend for years.

Has anyone ever had such an experience? Do any couples ever start an open relationship after an affair? Am I being foolish to let this continue in the hope that his views will continue to change and he will grow comfortable with me at least having a platonic relationship with this person? We talk and talk. I know he's tortured by it all, but I also know he doesn't want to give her up, or let me also be open.

 

[vampiresscammy]

Let me start off first with (((((hugs))))

My personal advice would be, you need to decide which one you want/need/love more, and choose him by letting the other man go completely. Your current situation is not a fair place to start being poly from. Your husband can't completely let go and move on until he feels the threat is gone, and your guy can't be free to love you with limitations.

As to his other lady, I say, if its bothering you, he should either slow down, or end it altogether, if it's that upsetting to you. You both should try to start on an even keel. If you want to try poly, meet new folks. Don't look to those from your past. There's always going to be too much baggage there. To be honest with one another, you'll never know for sure if it bothers you to see each other with someone if they're someone from your past. There is bound to be hurt/insecurities/issues about past interests.

You both need to sit down, really talk, and really listen. Decide whom you want to be with. Let the others go. Move forward, not back. Find new loves with whom neither of you have a past, then see if you can make poly work.

That's my advice, anyway. Take what you will and leave the rest. No harm, just words of experience. I hope it helps.

 

[chad]

Your story is like looking in the mirror. I too desperately miss my friend who was for so long part of our family. We fell in love and tried to contain it. We thought we could hide it and deal with it. But as you say, all deceits are found out. So much hurt... So we all had to part ways. I don't get to talk/communicate with her at all, and time just keeps going by.

After almost 2 years have gone by, I am still not sure I can even come close to understanding what the betrayal feels like to my wife. My wife is one of those super and unusual people. At the time of this all starting out, and though we had never heard the term before, she was probably naturally more accepting of polyamory than I was. But the betrayal changed it all. The hurt and anger, and worse.

Your husband's anger, I can only imagine, is something that he has a hard time with. Maybe he stuffs it. Just to survive and keep us together, my wife did. But of course, that is only a band-aid to a very big wound. We are still working on this one.

Your husband having someone and you not... wow. I think that vampiresscammy could be right. Taking a break, a pause, that could be a good idea. I know that for me, being happily married for so long, I could never choose to leave her, even if she never wants to allow me to be poly. And that is difficult for me. But I also think that the we have to heal the bad stuff between us before we could ever include another. Like you, I am only thinking of my friend as someone that I would like to be with, even if only just friends again.

I don't think you are being overly compliant. But him not allowing you what he allows himself, there is something wrong with that, no? I know most folks would say that you have to find someone new, as there is too much baggage with the old flame. But I have to admit that it seems silly that we can't figure out a way to get beyond that, grow up together through the experience. I know that the friendship I miss was something rare and meaningful. I want that.

Well, I hope this gets you going. You are not alone. I think there must be a lot of folks out there in these kinds of messes.

 

[JustMe]

Thanks

It's just nice to hear that other people have made mistakes and have lived past them. I too can't imagine actually no longer being without my spouse (nor he without me), which, I think, will be a great asset to us in the future.

 

[River]

The irony of my interest in polyamory triggering him having a new relationship while I'm not allowed to is not lost on me. His being with her doesn't make me jealous but it makes me angry/sad/baffled that he can feel that connection and still deny me having it again. Is this fair, some suitable consequence for having cheated?

Certainly not! It is hypocritical. Your dishonesty, the secret affair, was a violation of his trust. But that violation does not get him off the hook for his hypocrisy. You should not allow yourself to be manipulated into believing otherwise because you feel guilty for having had the affair.

Please ask your husband to live one day at a time with you. That is, ask him to forgive you and to move forward with you in honesty and forgiveness. Tell him he can keep his girlfriend/lover... if you can likewise have your freedom to explore and express love outside of your dyad. If he doesn't agree, ask, "Why do you get to make the rules without my participation?"

 

[River]

Don't look to those from your past. There's always going to be too much baggage there. To be honest with one another, you'll never know for sure if it bothers you to see each other with someone if they're someone from your past, there is bound to be hurt/insecurities/issues with past interests.

I can't agree with this view. It seems to me that if her husband has the right to choose who he wants to include in his life intimately, that the wife ought to have the same freedom. I don't think it fair to allow him all of the freedom of choice and her none of that same freedom.

 

[Quath]

I can understand your husband feeling betrayed by that specific relationship. However, he has come into awareness that such love is possible without diminishing the love he currently has. So he should be working towards acceptance of your love, since he has found additional love, as well. He should try to understand how he would feel if he lost his current love and realize that is how you feel. Hopefully by trying to empathize, he will be able to handle the relationship you want to rekindle.

 

[theque]

I am JustMe's husband. First, I'd like to thank you all for your clearly caring and well-thought out responses to her message. This has been, and continues to be, extremely challenging for both of us. We both are needing support through this, and I fear she has not gotten as much as she really needs and deserves. Perhaps here we can both find some more.

I also wanted to share some perspectives on our situation that I hope might give a more complete picture to anyone wishing to chime in. I hope to speak solely for myself, and focus on where we are now as a couple. There is a whole boatload of baggage and issues, shared amongst all parties involved, that contributed to JustMe's affair. While those issues are relevant and deserve attention, they're not really why we're here. This may or may not be the place, but I don't think it's the time.

Historically, I have considered myself a completely monogamous person. Polyamory was not something I understood, nor did I want to understand it. For the last 12 years I was perfectly happy with my wife being my one love and saw no reason to pursue anything different. My best and oldest friend has for the last 5 years been the de-facto "mono" in a mono/poly relationship, and frankly, seeing his experiences with it really made me fear it. From the outside looking in, it often looks like a bad situation, despite his assertions it is not. It may be typical, it may not be. But that relationship has been the "face of poly" for me, and it has not been an example I have any interest in following.

As JustMe mentioned, the work we did on salvaging our relationship brought her openness to poly to light. It became something I started to give serious thought to. I've always considered myself to be a fair, open-minded, and thoughtful person, and I did not want to discount the possibility of polyamory out of hand simply because I was afraid of it. Casting about for ways to save us, and to make me feel safe with her again, made opening our relationship and eliminating the reason she had to lie to me intellectually appealing. Soon, the "one thing leading to another" with my friend happened, and I found myself in the middle of another situation I never imagined possible, and all my theoretical thinking on poly suddenly became practically relevant.

That was several months ago. In the intervening time, my opinions on the subject have swung wildly, sometimes from one moment to the next. There have been countless times I have convinced myself I don't really love her (call her Jane) "that way", and then the next time I saw her I marveled at my skills of self-delusion. I absolutely hate how Jane was elevated from "just a friend" to a lover, but having her as a lover has enriched my life in so many ways.

And yet, I am so very very afraid. Often times when I am with Jane, I wish JustMe was with her old lover (call him Bob) so that she wouldn't be alone. And when I'm alone at work, or with JustMe, I am plagued by thoughts of them together. I am so very, very angry, and I don't know what to do with it. I exist in a near constant state of elevated cortisol/adrenaline "fight or flight"; near constant fear, rage, heartbreak. It has been getting better, but I still have this static in my head. Like a TV in a bar that is turned up just loud enough that you can't quite tune it out, I have these fears, mistrust, and invasive images.

And then, on the high of my love for Jane, keeping JustMe and Bob apart seems like the most foolish thing in the world. In those moments, my idealism makes me wish for all the people I care for to have as much love in their lives as they can get, regardless of the source or focus of that love.

The visual I use when thinking about this is that of a continuum, with completely open polyamory on one end, and strict monogamy on the other. I was quite solidly on the strict monogamy end of the spectrum, but the events of the last year have kicked me into the air and now I'm floating above the spectrum, trying to figure out where I will come down. My old values seem wrong, but I can't yet embrace what seem to be my new values. My "emotional immune system" keeps rejecting them, just as solidly as my rational mind rejects the monogamy that I used to consider a given for me.

I do see the wrongness in the imbalance that currently exists in my relationship with JustMe right now, and I am tormented by it. I am trying to learn how to restore that balance, but "closed" is offensive to my mind, and "open" hurts my heart. Especially since "open" implies including Bob, my very very dear friend who helped nearly destroy my marriage, and through that, nearly destroyed me.

Anyway, there's a lot more to say, but I can feel myself going off the rails, so I will stop for now. Thanks for reading. I eagerly await any thoughts or wisdom you might be willing to share.

 

[vampiresscammy]

River, I meant both should give up their current interests and look for new ones, with no ties to either in their past.

JustMe and theque, I can only help based on my experience, having read both sides and going by what's been said. Again, I suggest letting these current interests go, taking time together to work out your issues, while seeking possible new loves and getting more of a neutral starting point to come back to giving poly a try.

Being open doesn't mean you have to do anything; it simply suggests you're open to try. My experience suggests there is simply too much pain and hurt surrounding these current interests you both have. To me, that suggests the best course of action is letting go and moving on.

You both need to do what's best for you, individually and together, talk openly and honestly, listen to one another, don't feel or be forced into anything. Both of you trying poly at the same time sounds like what you're interested in. Take baby steps, practice moderation, take it slow. Keep talking and sharing. Really talk, until you think it's all been said, then talk some more.

I wish you both the best, whatever you decide.

 

[Quath]

theque, I don't think you are alone in what you are going through. I think many people find polyamory from falling into it, as opposed to deciding that it is what you want from the beginning. So, like any other major change to your life, it can leave you very disoriented until you get your bearings.

I like your view that it is a continuum. Polyamorous people do tend to vary in the openness of their relationship, from polyfidelity to complete openness, with no rules whatsoever. Most poly people fit somewhere in between.

It sounds like you want to get over your anger and fear of Justme and Bob being together. Is that right? I had a hard time visualizing my wife with someone else. However, once I really thought about the idea of compersion, I realized I could focus more on her happiness and try to focus less on my jealousy.

I would suggest reading some books on polyamory, if you think that could help you. Sometimes it takes listening to what others have been through to help you find the ground for your situation. If you listen to podcasts, you could listen to Polyamory Weekly. It is a very good forum for a wide range of polyamory issues and discussions.

I hope you and JustMe can find the happiness you are looking for.

 

[Mark1npt]

As the saying goes: "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

Vampiress, I don't necessarily think they need to drop their original lovers/friends. They are often our best and deepest love connections. Why would they want to never see or love them again? That makes no sense to me.

 

[theque]

I think many people find polyamory from falling into it, as opposed to deciding that it is what you want from the beginning... it can leave you very disoriented until you get your bearings.

That's putting it lightly! I would think that after nearly 9 months I would have a better handle on what I want, or where to go, but I don't, really. I still feel just as uncomfortable and at odds with myself as I did in November when this suddenly became a real thing. In fact, in some ways it's gotten worse, in that I don't know if what I think I'm striving for is something I really want, or something I allowed myself to get involved in to numb the pain, and now I've just become used to to it. My desires and motivations have become well and truly muddied.

It is a continuum. Polyamorous people tend to vary in the openness of their relationship, from polyfidelity to complete openness with no rules whatsoever.

That is an image that a (non-poly) friend of mine introduced me to when I first came to him for support. He suggested that lots of people have happy poly relationships. Ironically, at the time, I discounted that as a possibility for me pretty solidly, even vehemently. But that conversation, that image, is ultimately what got me to really give it serious consideration.

It sounds like you want to get over your anger and fear of Justme and Bob being together.

At the minimum, I feel I need to get over the anger and hurt that thinking about what has already happened brings up. It's keeping me anchored in the past in an unhealthy way, and is really interfering with my/our healing. I'm reading some general materials on forgiveness which I hope will help with that.

I don't know what I want to do in the here-and-now.

One difficulty I've had with with a lot of cognitive therapy techniques I've looked at in dealing with this is that they feel like a form of self-delusion to me. They seem like ways to trick yourself into believing you are ok with something that you really are not, and that seems to be an undermining of oneself. Compound that with our severely compromised trust, and my general confusion about my own feelings on the subject, and I have a recipe for being highly resistant to attempting to actively manipulate my own thoughts. It just feels dishonest. It causes me a lot of stress to even write about it here.

In fact, we picked up a copy of Opening Up on a recommendation from elsewhere on the forum yesterday, and on the way home I had to ask JustMe to move it so it wouldn't be in my line of sight. Every time I saw it I got an adrenaline surge and it was interfering with my ability to concentrate on driving.

Also contributing to that resistance is the idea that if I do embrace this life, that JustMe will "win" through her deceit, ultimately being rewarded for all the hurt she caused. I know that's juvenile and simplistic, but it is yet another roadblock for me.

I know that, to a large degree, my value system has been learned during my 30 years, and I truly believe that a lot of those values are simply wrong. To reconcile this, I'm attempting to perform what I think of as a "values transplant." So I'm expecting a lot of discomfort as I tease apart what feels true to me, and what I simply accepted in the absence of a plausible alternative. Starting this process from a net-negative point of safety and trust is undoubtedly complicating it. But I really believe that I would never have started on this journey had it not been for all that pain. I'd have never opened myself up to all that has been and could be possible in my relationship with Jane. I just never would have seen the point.

I had a hard time visualizing my wife with someone else. However, once I really thought about the idea of compersion, I realized I could focus more on her happiness and try to focus less on my jealousy.

I believe I have experienced what I would now call compersion in a few instances, some of which were so... strong (?) that I actually felt an intense desire to participate in those imagined scenarios. These new-to-me, not strictly hetero feelings did nothing to clarify issues for me, but that's another subject. Those moments of compersion are very very rare, though, and seemingly becoming more rare.

When I first had the epiphany of how this all could be, I spontaneously had a handful of moments like that when thoughts of JustMe and Bob would materialize, but now I only get a shadow of them when I'm "high" from my time with Jane. It never happens outside of that frame of mind anymore. Overall, I think my thoughts on JustMe sharing intimacy with other people have gotten darker as my anger over all this has inexplicably started to grow again. That scares me. We had some pretty big waves this weekend that might have reversed that trend a bit for me. But only time will tell.

I would suggest reading some books on polyamory if you think that could help you. Sometimes it takes listening to what others have been through to help you find the ground for your situation. You could listen to Polyamory Weekly. That is a very good forum...

I will check it out. Perhaps getting the information delivered via a means other than text will help me get over the block I currently have in really researching and learning about all this.

Thanks again.

 

[Mark1npt]

theque, you sound just like my wife in all your arguments/statements. I mean that in a good way.

 

[Quath]

I don't know what I want to do for the here-and-now. One difficulty I've had with with a lot of cognitive therapy techniques I've looked at in dealing with this is that they feel like a form of self-delusion to me. They seem like ways to trick yourself into believing you are ok with something that you really are not, and that seems to be undermining of oneself. Compound that with our severely compromised trust and my general confusion about my own feelings on the subject, and I have a recipe for being highly resistant to attempting to actively manipulate my own thoughts. It causes my a lot of stress to even write about it here. We picked up a copy of Opening Up yesterday, and on the way home I had to ask JustMe to move it so it wouldn't be in my line of sight. Everytime I saw it I got an adrenaline surge and it was interfering with my ability to drive.

I am very similar in my feelings about therapy. However, one thing I had to learn is that the brain is not a pure thinking machine. It has a lot of biases and flaws naturally. One example is PTSD. A person can get stuck on a memory so bad that it feel like the memory is real and all else is an illusion. So sometimes therapy helps push past biases in our brain which may be stuck on feelings or patterns.

It sounds like you have been through a serious amount of stress that you are trying to overcome. You seem to have a lot of powerful associations that bring you back to those feelings. I am no therapist, so I can't really recommend much. However, I think it is something that could help you out.

Also contributing to that resistance is the idea that if I do embrace this life, that JustMe will "win" through her deceit, ultimately being rewarded for all the hurt she caused. I know that's juvenile and simplistic...

Yeah, I understand that feeling. It will seem that you have ultimately rewarded her for giving you pain. Maybe it will help if you see that she suffers for the pain she gave you. That could lead toward some stronger forgiveness.

But at the same time, I know that my value system has been learned, and I believe that a lot of those values are simply wrong. In an attempt to reconcile all this, I'm attempting to perform what a values transplant. I'm expecting a lot of discomfort as I tease apart what feels true to me, and what I simply accepted. I believe that I would not have ever started on this journey had it not been for all that pain. I'd have never opened myself up to all that has an could be possible through my relationship with Jane.

I went through this, but without dealing in trust issues, a long time ago. It is disorienting, but I think it is healthier long term because the values you derived will be yours, not just something you inherieted.

I believe I have experienced what I would now call compersion, some of which were so. strong that I actually felt an intense desire to participate in those imagined scenarios. These new-to-me, not strictly hetero feelings did nothing to clarify issues for me. Those moments of compersion are very very rare though, and seemingly becoming more rare. When I first had the epiphany of how this all could be, I spontaneously had a handful of moments like that when thoughts of JustMe and Bob would materialize, but now I only get a shadow of them when I'm "high" from my time with Jane. it never happens outside of that frame of mind anymore. Overall, I think my thoughts on JustMe sharing intimacy with other people have gotten darker as my anger over all this has inexplicably started to grow again. That scares me. We had some pretty big waves this weekend that might have reversed that trend a bit for me, but only time will tell.

It sounds like you are really opening yourself up for a lot of re-examination. Does it bother you mostly to think of JustMe being with your Bob,or is it the thought of her being with anyone?

Thanks again.

I wish you the best in this. It sounds like you are on a rough journey.

 

[River]

Theque,

It is a matter of some serious curiosity to me that some people are emotionally triggered so intensely by the thought of their lover also having another lover, which is a different issue, altogether, from the matter of deceit and hiding of an affair. Part of my curiosity relates to the fact that I'm not entirely sure how, in every detail, I transitioned to the place I am. What I am sure of is that if my partner, Kevin, loved (and made love with) someone else, as well as me, it would be fine, so long as he took appropriate precautions vis-à-vis STDs, was honest and open with me about that relationship, and didn't retreat or neglect my need to share quality time with him.

That wasn't always the case with me. I used to be situated on the monogamy end of the spectrum pretty solidly. I think that was mainly because I bought into the pervasive belief/attitude that love ('romantic' love) is only love, really, when it's expressed in a dyad--and anything "less" would cheapen or ruin it. I suppose I got that from the culture (parents, society, Hollywood).

Anyway, you've got SO MANY issues to examine and re-examine all at once. I think it is best to deal with them individually, rather than let them all be a mush of interconnected confusion. They are all intertwined in some way, but can be teased apart enough to be examined individually. First, you need to decide whether you are willing to forgive and move on about the matter of your having been deceived, cheated on. It really is cheating when there is hiding or deception. You have every right to feel hurt about that. But you have to decide if you are willing to forgive, and also whether you are using your justified hurt, anger, resentment as a manipulative ploy. I'm not saying you are, but you need to look at that carefully and ask yourself whether that's happening, and how you feel about it. Just because anger or resentment are justified is no good reason to harbor them. It isn't good for you or your relationship.

Also, look to see if there isn't any past experience (wound) being triggered here -- one predating this present experience. If there is such, this may be contributing to the intensity of your hurt, anger, fear, resentment. By seeing that the present experience and the past experience are distinct from one another, you may begin to discover how you can better deal with these feelings.

 

[chad]

Theque,
Something I wrote earlier to Justme, but it is worth saying again maybe, is that your being betrayed must really mess with you. I think that the foundation of your world comes apart when you are betrayed by the people you love and trust most. It is a hard thing to heal about. I don't think you are very juvenile, but just coming out of the other end of experiencing deceit. You all seem like good people and like you are trying to do the right things. Good job and best wishes.

 

[theque]

The brain is not a pure thinking machine. It has a lot of biases and flaws. One example is PTSD. A person can get stuck on a memory so bad that it feels real and like all else is an illusion. Sometimes therapy helps push past biases in our brain which may be stuck on feelings or patterns.

It sounds like you have been through a serious amount of stress that you are trying to overcome. You seem to have a lot of powerful associations that bring you back to those feelings.

Very true, hence my continued effort to push past these blocks. There are times where it seems impossible. I've been on the verge of just giving up more times than I care to count.

Yeah, I understand that feeling. It will seem that you have ultimately rewarded her for giving you pain. Maybe it will help if you see that she suffers for the pain she gave you. That may could lead toward some stronger forgiveness.

Right. I do try to focus on things like that. In my heightened state of distrust, my natural tendency is to question virtually everything she does; to examine if it might be some sort of manipulation. This includes a lot of her outward signs of pain, particularly when I am "in it" and my mind has become very black. Those are the times where it is most difficult to open my heart to the empathy that I know I need to have.

I went through this, but without dealing trust issues a long time ago. It is disorienting, but I think it is healthier long term, because they values you derived will be yours ant not just something you inherieted.

That is my hope as well.

It sounds like you are really opening youself up for a lot of re-examination.

I am, and this is something that I have not done in a very, very long time. I "matured" very early and have not made any substantial changes in my basic world views, beliefs, etc., since I was about 15 and turned my back on the Lutheranism I had been raised with. Until this, of course. In contrast, JustMe has changed substantially in the time we have been together, far more than I had guessed.

Does it bother you mostly to think of JustMe being with Bob, or is it the thought of her being with anyone?

Both. However, to different degrees, and both substantially less than it used to. There was a time where those sorts of thoughts would make me physically ill. (I plan to go into this more in my next post.) That is no longer the case. Now the primary emotion when I think of JustMe and Bob is anger, and it is very strongly directed at him. More generally, I'm not sure how I feel about it. If I had to classify it now, I'd call it "negatively neutral," in that I don't like it, but I don't feel particularly strongly about it. I wonder, though, if that is partly due to the fact that I've become so acclimated to such extreme emotional swings in the last 9 months.

I wish you the best in this, you are on a rough journey.

I am. Thank you again for your time and compassion.

 

[theque]

I want to reply to this message in more detail and after more thought than I have time for right now. But for now I want to address this:

Also, look to see if there isn't any past experience (wound) being triggered here, one predating this present experience. If there is, this may be contributing to the intensity of your hurt, anger, fear, resentment. By seeing that the present experience and the past experience are distinct from one another, you may begin to discover how you can better deal with these feelings.

I know that I have past experiences that are contributing negatively to this, and were likely indirect contributors to JustMe's affair in the first place. I have a problem with recalling the past. Beyond a certain point, my memories tend to lose their chronology, with everything falling into a single bucket of the past. Hopefully, if I get anything substantive wrong in this chronology, JustMe will correct me.

I have had only one other "serious" relationship prior to the one I have with JustMe. It lasted almost 3 years. Shortly after it ended, I discovered that my partner in that relationship had been sleeping with an ex-boyfriend for about the last 6 months we were together. That set me up to have a lot of fear and mistrust around fidelity.

After JustMe had been dating a couple years I had my first "attack." I had this intense fear that she was cheating on me, going to leave me, lying to me, etc., the kind of fear and anxiety that keeps you from working, collapses you on the floor. It degraded to a low-level anxiety that lasted a couple weeks, and then went away. A year later, we married and moved to our new home.

Some years passed, and the anxiety was more or less absent, until I noticed that JustMe was changing, becoming a very different person, in a lot of ways. Her interests, and most importantly, her spiritual views were changing quite a lot, and becoming seemingly less compatible with my own. The anxiety returned.

I know it's irrational; I have no reason to doubt JustMe. She's never lied to me, she's never lied to anyone, as far as I know. She is one of the most forthright people I know. That's part of why I love her.

I tried to control the anxiety on my own, but I couldn't, and eventually I entered counseling to get a handle on it. Of course, I talked to JustMe about it, but never made any accusations, because I knew full well solely my problem. The counseling helps, I get things under control, and move on. By this time Bob has entered our lives, but is not yet living with us. Time passes, and we get closer with him, and the anxiety flares up again. Shortly after this, he moves in with us.

The anxiety continues. I go back to counseling off and on, and manage to keep it as a "dull roar", but it gets to the point that it is genuinely interfering with my ability to work, to live my life. This is not helped by the obvious strong connection between JustMe and Bob. So I try cranio-sacral therapy, which I know looks like total shamanism snake-oil, but it worked for me. After several sessions, I have an "emotional release" (laughing/crying hysterically in the car on the way home) after which the anxiety basically just stops. I enjoy a few months of a quiet mind.

And then it returns...

But now, it's not the undirected anxiety it was before, the outlandish imaginings. I swear I'm seeing things, knowing looks, casual brushes of the hand, etc., etc. But of course, I'm so accustomed to having my mind generate these things, I count it as another relapse. Until, finally, I find some things I cannot deny, and the truth is squeezed out. I learn that all of the shame and disappointment I felt about relapsing was for nothing, because I hadn't relapsed, what I was seeing was real.

*Boom*

So yeah, I definitely have some pre-existing baggage here...

 

[Quath]

Wow, theque, that sounds rough. I had a similar, but not as bad experience. My highschool sweetheart and I were together for 4.5 years. Since I was in college, I was moving around a lot, and half the time, I was a state away. So I find out one summer that she met this guy and he was sleeping over for a few weeks before she told me. We broke up. A month later, she was married and pregnant (by choice). That did a lot of damage to my trust issues.

It took me a couple of years until I was ready to start dating again. I was definitely not as innocent as I once was. However, I think I understood people and human nature a little better. And I kept relearning lessons on trust. I have been in an open relationship where the woman I was with lied about who she was sleeping with, even though it was ok with me.

It sounds like you and JustMe are doing some heavy growth and changing of values, spirituality and feelings. I hope you can grow in the same direction so you can work it all out.

Do you ever try to talk to Bob and work it out with him? It is hard letting go of feelings that don't quite want to leave. I hope that if you keep re-examining your life and morals, you will be able to align your feelings to your beliefs.

 

[Lemondrop]

Also contributing to that resistance is the idea that if I do embrace this life, that JustMe will "win" through her deceit, ultimately being rewarded for all the hurt she caused. I know that's juvenile and simplistic, but it is yet another roadblock for me.

This really stood out for me. I don't feel qualified to hand out advice, but I think you might want to ask yourself if you want to hurt her. Are you trying to punish her? If so, what would that achieve for you? I think you should try to figure out what direction you want your relationship to take.

I just read a wonderful part of a book on polyamory that really resonated for me: it's not productive to tell yourself that you shouldn't have certain feelings, because you obviously do. Perhaps you need those feelings acknowledged before you can move on. Also, maybe reading a book on polyamory can help you identify how you feel about it. I know I've certainly had quite a few "aha" moments in the last hundred pages.