Yeah.
And maybe if you don't want to be seen as "one of the guys," you should grow a set of ovaries, not balls.
Unrequited love or unconsummated love
- Thread starter Luna393
- Start date
Yeah.
And maybe if you don't want to be seen as "one of the guys," you should grow a set of ovaries, not balls.
AnnabelMore
Active member
Another term to explore at some point -- commitment. What does commitment mean to him and to you? Why *wouldn't* you make a commitment, nominal or otherwise, to someone, even if you were then going to bone other people, perhaps a bunch of them? After all, that's what people in open relationships and swingers do, and it seems to work for many of them.
Is "commitment" exclusivity, focus, promises kept, a shared future? Only the first definition would preclude sex with others, though the second definition could arguably be somewhat compromised by sexual non-monogamy, depending on how you conducted yourself.
Though, of course, as others have pointed out, poly is not primarily, or sometimes at all, about sex.
Is "commitment" exclusivity, focus, promises kept, a shared future? Only the first definition would preclude sex with others, though the second definition could arguably be somewhat compromised by sexual non-monogamy, depending on how you conducted yourself.
Though, of course, as others have pointed out, poly is not primarily, or sometimes at all, about sex.
Imagination
New member
@Luna393
Talking of assumptions: I tried to make a date with the lady I had spent the night with and made a fool out of myself. She had said before, that she wanted to meet me by chance another time, and not plan anything, and I didn't quite take this for granted. Her lifestyle is rather "free love" with no responsibilities (except when she is in a mono romantic relationship, I suppose.) At least, that's what I heard. No judgement. This might be the best for her.
A good friend of mine frequently in vague situations takes what people tell him for face value, while joking much of the time himself. Often people really get confused when he believes what they say and sometimes they mean it (or they are not sure about it) and the same time, they don't expect others to act as if what they say is true. Other times they don't mean what they say, but they don't care if others believe them, or they play games intentionally, or they have other reasons, and they want you to believe that they are a different person than they really are.
Many times, we don't know, or we don't want to know, if people say the truth. I think, when we're not sure, it can be a good way just to respond according to the content, or to ask if we got it right and see what happens.
When people take my friend's jokes and irony for granted, he tells them that his comments were not serious.
By the way, with this guy and a (former) girlfriend of his, a few years ago, I got into a triad, which was I guess my closest experience to what one could call a poly relationship. The atmosphere was open and peaceful. I see the tendency, that with really good friends (where there is little competition and much solidarity from the heart), a poly relationship most likely can develop and grow. Taking this into account, luna 393, it certainly might work in your case.
@big guy
That's a good point. When I look back on the casual intimacy, or rather superficial romances and sex I had, I'd say, some of the communication and the touch and the sex felt good, but how these interrelationships turned out later usually was not so great. Sometimes conflicts came up, almost everyone is gone, the contacts mostly broke up.
I think if I had focused on romantic relationships in the sense of polyamory, I might have had less dates, but more quality and very special time, deeper love and deeper intimacy.
What is good or not? It's not a matter of black and white. I love all the experiences I have had, even being refused by that lady I was talking about. It is all meaningful, if we want to see it that way. But at the same time, I rather don't want to repeat a set of past decisions, that in the long run didn't get me/us where I/we wanted to be.
@Luna393 Sorry for partly taking over your thread. But I think it can be a good way to bring different opinions and situations together. It's all connected. We all learn from each other.
Talking of assumptions: I tried to make a date with the lady I had spent the night with and made a fool out of myself. She had said before, that she wanted to meet me by chance another time, and not plan anything, and I didn't quite take this for granted. Her lifestyle is rather "free love" with no responsibilities (except when she is in a mono romantic relationship, I suppose.) At least, that's what I heard. No judgement. This might be the best for her.
A good friend of mine frequently in vague situations takes what people tell him for face value, while joking much of the time himself. Often people really get confused when he believes what they say and sometimes they mean it (or they are not sure about it) and the same time, they don't expect others to act as if what they say is true. Other times they don't mean what they say, but they don't care if others believe them, or they play games intentionally, or they have other reasons, and they want you to believe that they are a different person than they really are.
Many times, we don't know, or we don't want to know, if people say the truth. I think, when we're not sure, it can be a good way just to respond according to the content, or to ask if we got it right and see what happens.
When people take my friend's jokes and irony for granted, he tells them that his comments were not serious.
By the way, with this guy and a (former) girlfriend of his, a few years ago, I got into a triad, which was I guess my closest experience to what one could call a poly relationship. The atmosphere was open and peaceful. I see the tendency, that with really good friends (where there is little competition and much solidarity from the heart), a poly relationship most likely can develop and grow. Taking this into account, luna 393, it certainly might work in your case.
@big guy
That's a good point. When I look back on the casual intimacy, or rather superficial romances and sex I had, I'd say, some of the communication and the touch and the sex felt good, but how these interrelationships turned out later usually was not so great. Sometimes conflicts came up, almost everyone is gone, the contacts mostly broke up.
I think if I had focused on romantic relationships in the sense of polyamory, I might have had less dates, but more quality and very special time, deeper love and deeper intimacy.
What is good or not? It's not a matter of black and white. I love all the experiences I have had, even being refused by that lady I was talking about. It is all meaningful, if we want to see it that way. But at the same time, I rather don't want to repeat a set of past decisions, that in the long run didn't get me/us where I/we wanted to be.
@Luna393 Sorry for partly taking over your thread. But I think it can be a good way to bring different opinions and situations together. It's all connected. We all learn from each other.
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Castalia
New member
In a conversation between Mad Scientist and Gamerboy, Mad Scientist said he wanted any long term relationship he's in to be non-monogamous. So at least he's not totally against the idea.
Like you said, any conversations we have had about alternative relationships have all been hypothetical.
I understand what you were saying about the fear of putting yourself out there and possibly risking offending him or losing the friendship. This is a regular thought of mine, too.
Like you said, any conversations we have had about alternative relationships have all been hypothetical.
I understand what you were saying about the fear of putting yourself out there and possibly risking offending him or losing the friendship. This is a regular thought of mine, too.
Imagination
New member
@ Castalia:
I think you're really quite clear how you see yourself being polyamorous. Then it is up to others, if they see it in a similar way. You have no control about that. We shouldn't try to convince anyone. But just asking and telling your attitude and your wishes is alright, in my opinion. No one should be offended by that, and if that is the case, that person should should do some reflection about their own love life.
Through this thread, I also see better what my real needs are, and those which I only think (sometimes) are good for me. When I'm really sure what I want, I can talk about it more easily.
Castalia
New member
Imagination,
Mad Scientist isn't easily offended. I think I am still overly concerned about the what-ifs. If I never tell him how I really feel, will I always regret it, or will I eventually get over my feelings? If he and I start some sort of relationship and it doesn't work out, then Gamerboy and I may lose a friend and I will feel like it was my fault. I know this isn't true, but I am in the middle of a pity party.
Mad Scientist isn't easily offended. I think I am still overly concerned about the what-ifs. If I never tell him how I really feel, will I always regret it, or will I eventually get over my feelings? If he and I start some sort of relationship and it doesn't work out, then Gamerboy and I may lose a friend and I will feel like it was my fault. I know this isn't true, but I am in the middle of a pity party.
Imagination
New member
Some of the realizations that came from this thread I used for my new blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19259