Since deepening relationship with "secondary," feelings changing for "primary"

This is what I fear in my own relationship, as well-- will my partner find that she is getting more out of her new relationship than she gets with me? She says she's open with me, but she really isn't. Much of what I do know about her was learned from her relationship with other people. She just never told me that she liked all sorts of different things, and I don't know why she kept them from me.
 
sarahfina said:
My relationship with my secondary has developed significance and deep emotional involvement. (This is not the case between my husband and his secondary, which is mainly sex- and activity-focused, with a friendship basis). My secondary and I are very similar and we are both having the experience of having needs met by one another that our primary partners have never met.
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I can't really add much to the great advice already given in this thread, but thought I'd let you know that you're definitely not alone, and you've come to the right place. My own situation is VERY similar to yours, and I'm still working on figuring out what's NRE and what isn't. Trying to figure out my wants/needs and expectations for this poly relationship hasn't been easy, but this forum has been immensely helpful. Keep us posted.
 
Thanks for the continued responses. The input, feedback and reflection has been really helpful.

Things are still as they were when I first posted. I guess my main approach right now is to avoid jumping to quick conclusions and decisions, while also being as honest with myself and my others as possible. The counselling is helping, and is reaffirming my own process around identifying what I truly want in relationship, and then reflecting on my options. Well, I'm not actually reflecting on options yet. I am enjoying what I have and trying not to feel the pressure of wanting something more/else. There is no rush.

I do feel very conflicted many days, though. I suppose I innately have a monogamous mindset that seeks to build a life out of the emotions I share with my OSO. And the polyamory is an accommodation to my husband's desires, which I understand and support on a logical, practical level, but which isn't my own innate disposition or desire, despite clearly enjoying my own other relationship. It's complex. (When is it not though, right?)

My own thoughts and honesty about this process with my husband have certainly stirred up a lot of instability in him, and have propelled him towards engaging with me a bit more on some of the topics that are issues for me. I'm hoping there will be some long-term growth between us.

And in the meantime, I am also deeply enjoying the connection my OSO and I share, in this moment, as it is. In many ways, I am blessed to be experiencing this. I've never been loved like this before in my life and it is extraordinary.

Anyway, that's my update!
 
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