Changing Feelings-- Triad to Vee

C

CherryBlossomGirl

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I'm in a FFM triad. My husband and our girlfriend are head over heels in love and it's awesome to see. I love hanging out with both of them, and also love them both as people. We have a lot of fun, and when we have sex it is hotttttt...

Problem? I'm not experiencing the same level of love they are, or desire for sex they have.

It's super weird to be around people that are super in love, when I am in a space where I just feel like I'm hanging out with good friends. I've told them how it feels for me, and it just makes them sad. Because they're so in love, they want to make out and snuggle and talk all the time. I kind of just want to enjoy some regular nights watching movies and playing games, relaxing together, instead of always having to swim around in their love soup, y'know?

I don't know. It's just a weird place to be. I'm not even jealous, just kind of annoyed. I end up feeling left out sometimes, because they're so into it. I'm more interested in planning a vacation, or buying them both presents. It's not that I don't love them or dig how into each other they are.

ARGH!
 
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Check out some threads on "new relationship energy," "NRE," "unicorns," and "triads."

It's as common as mud for triads to go this way, the unicorn being more into one partner than another.

Get yourself another bf or gf and have your own NRE!
 
Hey Magdlyn. Thanks. My thoughts exactly. I've been thinking it would be good to find someone for me to be that into, so I'd have something "to do." Don't want to be a buzzkill, y'know?
 
BaggagePatrol said:
I've been thinking it would be good to find someone for me to be that into, so I'd have something "to do." Don't want to be a buzzkill, y'know?
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Buzzkill, I love that word. You made me LOL. But seriously, while this is great advice, and I wholeheartedly second it, at some point they've gotta get out of the clouds and see what affect they're having on you, don't they? Like, hello, movies, games, museums, and whatnot are also really great ways to connect and grow a relationship.
 
Museums FTW

Hey NYCindie. (Are you in New York?)

They do try to balance it out. We do play games and hang out. I guess I just feel left out and weirded out by the lovey-ness of their time together. Normally, my bf would never stay up until midnight on the couch talking after a long work week. He'd be bushed and would head to his man cave to relax, or maybe we'd watch a movie. But when our gf is out, he is *BOING* up and totally into talking foreevvvveeerrr.

I end up feeling guilty when I don't want to have sexy times, too, as they want me to be there for all the sexin.' I'm kind of like, "Can we just get to a place where you two can hook up and I can go watch some HBO?" They're "trying to be good," which is just driving me nuts. I don't WANT them to be "good"; I just wanna chill sometimes.

I need a therapist or something.
 
Different people have different ways of expressing love. It seems that they are very physical in their expression, while you are more of the type to give gifts. Neither ways are wrong, just different.
 
Well, wanting time to yourself and respect for your personal space is natural and what every person should have. If they want you to always be a part of their sexual activities, that is unneeded pressure. You shouldn't feel obligated, or like you're disappointing them, if you don't want that. It's your choice to have sex or not. Geez. They shouldn't pout about it. WTF?

It sounds like renegotiations are in order, where you ask for boundaries that work better and give you space; in addition to getting another squeeze for yourself.

Does the gf live with you? Can't they go to her place once in a while?
 
Different Kinds of Love

Hi BrigidsDaughter. Thanks. Yes, totally, but I bet it is WAY less frustrating to get boss gifts than it is to have a NRE mudpit to wade through all the time. The weird thing is that I have compersion, even though I'm annoyed. WTH?
 
The changes... oh the changes...

We started out with the rule of all three of us having sex at once, every time. I want to change that rule. They don't want to, because they think I'll freak out. Fair enough, we made it a rule for a reason, but we have outgrown it!!! TOTES to pressure. It's driving me crazy, and having some kind of weird depressing effect on my sex drive, which is usually through the roof. It's like because it's expected and desired every single time we hang out I'm just like... meh. I don't get it.

Like I said-- therapy.

So far, it's a no-go on gf's place. It's super cramped. Maybe it's worth bringing up. But they're stickin' to the threeway thing for now. Mostly it's my fault, as I was all like, "Let's stick to the rules, it'll make it easier." I guess we just need to talk talk talk it out.
 
Dealing with NRE can be frustrating; but rather than getting annoyed at how they behave when they are together, maybe it's time to talk to them about them being together when you aren't there.
 
Yeah, well, it isn't working for all of you if only two out of three agree on something. That's not an agreement, that's a dictatorship. I don't know why you think you need therapy in all this, as you are being quite reasonable, while they are not listening to you and dismissing your needs.

Yes, poly is talk-talk-talk. What's wrong with that? Why stew in this bullshit and feel like you have to put up with they want, while they don't pay attention to what you want? By all means, speak up. If it didn't really bother you, you wouldn't have posted here about it.
 
Exactly.

Thanks, BrigidsDaughter. Sage words there.

We did exactly that. I laid it all out this morning, telling them exactly how it was for me, that it was really disappointing and alienating that I didn't share the same level of emotion and NRE they were having with each other, and that it made me feel guilty and pressured to always be "up" with them, when I really just wanted to chill as a group. Like, I want to go at my pace sometimes, but I feel like I'm buzzkilling their groove, as they're so "in the moment" with each other. Great! For Them! Not for Me!

They didn't like it. In fact, both of them cried. Intense. Gf wouldn't look me in the face for like an hour.

Theories are great, but realities define relationships, and this reality is definitely changing.

Are there other posts that you know of specifically around this? I googled it to death. I don't know how many keyword combos you can try, but I didn't turn up much.
 
Talk Talk Talk

Hey NYCindie. Thanks for that. I didn't mean to make it sound like I wasn't into talking it out. It's just hard work/heavy-lifting right now.

Yes, it bothers me, for sure. I was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..."

There are no magic answers, though. The poly community is smallish, so finding a large average of people who've been through this might be tough, I guess. Although Mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.
 
Check out some master threads in our Golden Nuggets forum. And do search for the topics I listed.
 
BaggagePatrol said:
I didn't mean to make it sound like I wasn't into talking it out. It's just hard work/heavy lifting right now. I was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..." The poly community is smallish. Finding large average of people who've been through this might be tough. Mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.
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Yeah, it happened to me. However, our "unicorn" didn't want sex with me, at all, so not that part. I wanted sex with her, though. But she was just into my (now ex) husband, and their NRE was outa control.

It's a very common scenario in triads. And your original rule is often made, sex with all three, or nothing. That seems silly, of course, as people's sex drives can vary. For just one example, what if you're menstruating, bleeding, having cramps and just wanna curl up with a heating pad, while she is ovulating? Sheesh.
 
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BaggagePatrol said:
I was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us." Mags seems to think that it's pretty standard...
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Omigosh, yes, there are tons of threads here by people who have gone through the same or similar issues as you are now. The phrases and words Mags suggested can be searched either through the Advanced Search or Tags. See the bar at top of each page.
 
I was in a MFF triad for over two decades that ended due to the death of one member. Actually, we were a vee.

I'll have to give our husband credit. He worked very hard over the fairness issue ~ sometimes to the point that it drove us both nuts. I do think that is very important, for the first few years, or when there is a new major change in life that disrupts routine. But after a while, as you said, you outgrow the rules.

It could be that you have indeed reached the phase where you do not all have to be together all the time. Your mates are so incredibly sweet to want to include you and to so strongly look out for your feelings. If you want to take this next step, you need to reassure them and really mean it. If you can't really mean it, then you aren't ready. And part of the reassurance does mean making new rules, so everyone knows what the expectation is without having to guess.
 
Tag the words, thank you!

Thanks for the tags heads-up, and for sharing, Mags.

I feel stupid, as this rule was my suggestion. I had no idea that it would end up biting me in the butt like this. Oh wellz, can't read the future, or else I'd be buying WAY more lottery tickets.

Bookbug, I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. That is totally tragic.

Yes, they are working very hard to be careful of my feelings. I guess my frustration is just bubbling over.
 
I'm in a MFF triad, and our 'rules' change all the time! It is nice of them to worry about your feelings so much, but people do change over time. In my opinion, one of the tests of a relationship is if all the people can grow and change (as they MUST) and still love each other. I find that we go through ups and downs, like any mono couple does.

Sometimes two of us are more into having sex than the third, while other times, all three of us are raring to go. We try to just let things come naturally. Don't feel like coming to bed? Cool. We make it clear that there is an opportunity for sex, but if someone bows out, there is no pressure. Not that there isn't guilt-- we're still working on that part. This goes for activities other than sex, too.

Do you go on dates in pairs? We didn't do that at first, but after about 9 months, we started to do it to take advantage of our built-in babysitter quality. I never realized how much we were missing! It's great to have that kind of time to connect. I know it sounds weird, but we bring a lot of positive energy back to the triad relationship by dating in couples. Perhaps Owen and Phoebe could try that?
 
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